21. Julian
TWENTY-ONE
JULIAN
Ifeel a warm hand run faintly over my stomach though I’m still half asleep. Then lips press to my shoulder. “Jules. We have to get up.” I groan, rolling over, then feel him engulf me in his arms. “We have to get to the airport soon.”
“Ten more minutes—holy f-fuck.” Warm lips wrap around my dick. My eyes flutter open, looking down between my legs as I widen my thighs for him. “Fuck, Ian.” Hard as a rock, I watch as he sucks me slowly.
Well, now I’m awake.
My fingers slide into his hair as he drives me crazy with that wicked mouth.
“I think we need to do one thing before we leave.”
“Ungh.” My back arches. “What is that?” I moan softly.
He’s quiet and I blink through the pleasure, looking down at what he’s holding in his hand. “I mean, you haven’t played with him once since we got here.” He waves my toy around, making it flop side to side obscenely. “I think he’s feeling a little left out.”
“I’ve had a great substitute.”
Ian’s lips drop open in mock horror as he wraps his hand around the head. “Don’t let him hear you say that.” He looks at it. “He doesn’t mean it.”
I reach for my balls, squeezing, just desperate to feel something. “Fuck me, Ian.”
“Spread your ass for me.” He bites his lip, looking between my legs as I move and settle, pulling my cheeks apart for him.
“Fuck, Jules.” Rubbing his fingers over my hole, he looks up at me.
“You want it, huh?” Slowly he enters one finger, curling it just right and forcing a moan from my lips.
I nod fast, feeling the way he touches and spreads me open.
He enters two then slips them out. “On your stomach, baby.”
I roll over, back arching, desperate for whatever he has in mind.
I feel him lift from the bed, then it creaks with his weight as he returns, one foot on either side of my body.
He taps one cheek. “Lift a little. Arch that beautiful back for me.” I get into position and feel his fingers smooth over my hole then slip inside.
My fingers twist into the sheets. “You want two?”
I nod, not that he can see it. “Yes.”
Two enter me, thrusting gently, and he moans as if this is giving him just as much of a thrill. I want to see him, but there’s something in not knowing what’s coming next.
He slips his fingers out and I feel the cool tip of the dildo enter my body. At this angle, it slides right over where it needs to. My chest sinks into the mattress. I try to look, craning my neck with no luck. My fingers lock tight around the blanket underneath us.
He thrusts the toy while his fingers play with my rim, sending little shocks of heat through me. “Fuck, Jules. You’re so fucking sexy,” he groans.
I reach between my legs, fisting my dick faster with every thrust of the toy. Playing with it has never felt this good. “Ian, fuck me.”
He chuckles as if I’m not losing my fucking mind.
“This is so fucking hot.” His hand squeezes one cheek as he fucks me faster.
I’m pushing back now, fisting my leaking dick.
His fingers travel over my balls, squeezing them in his hand.
Pleasure tugs at my core, and I can’t think of anything but needing more. “Harder, Ian.”
He fucks me roughly with the toy, and my fingers squeeze the comforter hard. Pleasure crawls up my spine. My body hums with every soft wave of heat as he pushes me closer to the edge. My face pressed into the bed, I come hard onto the blanket below. “Fuck. Fuck yes. Ian. Yes.”
I sag against the bed and feel his warm weight sit on my lower back, his hand on my ass. The bed is softly shaking. He grips one cheek, spreading me open, and I strain to look back at him, watching his hand work himself furiously. Fuck, I want to see.
“Fuck. Fuck, Jules.” Warmth runs down my hole as he squeezes my ass hard. “Fuck,” he hisses. He gives me a light smack then leans down, and I feel his lips land over my hole, soothing me with his tongue. Fuck me, if he doesn’t stop, we’re going another round and we’ll miss our flight.
He lifts off me as I roll over, and I’m instantly rewarded with his body on mine.
Cupping my face with his thumbs, he smooths along my cheekbones, a smile growing on his lips.
His eyes look greener now, darker. Clearer than I’ve seen them in years.
I reach out and pull him to me, kissing him slowly, aware we have to get up but I don’t want to leave this bed.
Everything I want is right here.
I just need to be brave enough to go for it.
I pull back to look at him, thumbing over his cheek. “I love you.”
His brows pull tight, his lips drop open slightly.
He doesn’t say a word, but I feel it. It’s faint, but it’s there.
A sudden shift in his body. Rigid where he was just pliant on top of me.
Sharper than his silence is my clarity. “I um—” He shakes his head, looking away.
“Listen, I just—I mean, of course I love you, but—”
I nod, pulling away. “But.”
I can’t keep doing this with him. I just can’t.
I love him, but I can’t keep putting my heart through this.
“No. Jules, wait—”
I get up. “We should get packed.” I find my jeans and a pair of briefs and bolt to the bathroom.
Locking the door, I brace my hands on the sink, squeezing so hard I’m shocked it doesn’t crack.
Embarrassment hot in my ears, I look into the mirror.
I can’t do this. I press my palms to my eyes, taking several heaping breaths.
Ian can’t love me. He just can’t. Not in the ways I need.
I shouldn’t have said it.
And what? Do this for the rest of our lives?
It’s just a label, right? Why is it a big deal?
He’s clearly attracted to me. I know he loves me, but it’s not the way I need him to.
“You’re alright,” I whisper to myself, trying to find some ground.
“It’s okay. You’re okay. Just breathe.” Big breaths. In and out. “Just calm down.”
I twist the faucet, spraying water onto my face, then brush my teeth. I feel numb. A knock makes me jolt. “Jules.”
“I’ll be right out.”
I look at myself and I can barely hold my shit together.
I dress, my brain going into fight or flight. A space where my thoughts can’t reach me. Not right now. I can lose it when I get home. It feels like my brain has been plunged into water. I’m drowning.
Why did I say that?
“Jules, please let me in.”
I rest against the counter, staring at the bathroom door like it’s the enemy.
I can do this. I just need to make it through the day.
I open the door and look at him. Dressed now. “We need to hurry. The airport’s going to be a nightmare.” I push past him.
“Will you talk to me?”
I look at him. “I can’t right now.” Because if he loved me, he would have said it. He didn’t. He could even say it right now. But he’s not. “Just get ready, okay. We can talk when we get back.” I’m barely holding onto shit as it is.
“Jules—”
He doesn’t get to call the shots right now. “Please, get ready.”
Downstairs I’m running on autopilot. I have three modes when I’m upset.
The first is what I like to call the thought tornado, where my brain cycles through question after question after question in an endless loop and I can’t think about anything else.
When this happens, my entire day is spent thinking about whatever’s bothered me.
Another is anger that sometimes makes me want to cry, which pisses me off more.
It hits me so hard it’s like my soul is vibrating.
The other is this. A numb void. No emotion. Nothing. I hate this the most.
Right now, it’s what I need.
“Thank you both. We hope you guys had a nice stay, even if it wasn’t what you had planned.” Alexander smiles.
Ian looks at me, but I keep my eyes on Xia and Alex. “We did,” he says finally. “Thank you, we had a great time.”
“Will you come back soon?” Violet asks.
“Violet—” Alex chides her.
“We’d love to,” Ian says, opening his suitcase. I’m confused until he grabs his vacation fund and puts it on the counter. “When we get home, we’re going to follow you on BlueVibe. If it’s okay, I’d like to post some pictures on our socials. I want to tag you guys in the photos we took.”
“Oh, yes.” Xia smiles. “That would be nice, thank you.
“And this . . .” I watch him push the jar toward them.
“It’s not a lot, not in the grand scheme of everything, I know, but there’s a little over three grand here.
Hopefully you can get a few rooms back up and running.
This place is amazing, and you guys have made us feel like we’re at home.
No hotel chain can do that. We appreciate everything.
I know that if my boyfriend were alive, he would want you guys to have this. ”
Confused, she takes the jar and opens it as if she doesn’t believe it. She snaps the lid closed, shaking her head. “We can’t take this.”
“Please. I insist.” Ian smiles. “We’ll never forget our time here. Honestly.”
Xia looks at Alexander, clearly at a loss for words. “Thank you both. We look forward to seeing you guys again.” I feel his eyes on me, but I keep mine forward, watching them.
I realize then they’re waiting for me to say something.
I find my voice somehow. “Thank you. It’s been um, been great. You both are amazing. Thank you again.”
“You two have a safe flight back.”
With that we’re out the door and I’m one step closer to being alone.
The drive to the airport is doused in silence.
I stare out the window, watching the trees blur past in green streaks. It’s raining again now, though not as much. Just a little sprinkle. My leg bounces, but once I realize I’m doing it, I stop. Thankfully he hasn’t tried to talk to me. I’m skating a razor-sharp edge.
He could have said it. I think that’s the worst part. He could still say it, but he’s not.
Because he doesn’t feel this way.
Every so often I sense him looking over at me. My heartbeat picks up when I feel it. I try so hard not to look at him.