21. Julian #2
We park and unload our bags. He thanks our driver and everything on the outside feels normal.
People passing by don’t notice that my heart’s breaking, and I don’t know what I can do to fix this.
There’s no going back, and I don’t know what that means for us now.
I don’t want it to be like that. Just because Ian doesn’t love me the same way doesn’t mean it’s the end of us, right?
Except that’s exactly what it feels like.
Inside the airport, Ian checks his bag and I carry mine, hoping Maddox will have a less chaotic trip back to New York. We get cleared through TSA, IDs, tickets. Apart from that we don’t speak.
We couldn’t get seats together on the plane, and I was disappointed at first, but now I’m glad. I need space.
When we take off, I close my eyes and breathe through the panic.
Ian’s voice plays in my mind.
Five things. The tray in front of me, the leopard purse on the floor, a baby next to me, my bouncing knee, the screen on the back of the chair in front of me.
Four things. The seat, my jeans on my skin, my mother’s necklace around my neck.
My heart breaking. Three things. I hear the movie next to me, the wheels on the food cart, and Ian’s voice telling me it’ll be alright. Even if that’s in my head.
Abruptly Ian appears next to me, looking up the aisle. “I’m not going to force you to talk to me,” he says quickly. “But I need you to know it’s not that I don’t feel things for you. I do Jules, I—”
I swallow. “Ian, go back to your seat.”
“Listen, it’s not that I don’t feel these things, it’s just—”
“Go back to your seat!” My jaw clenches.
“Sir, you need to return to your seat, you can’t block the aisle,” I hear a flight attendant say. Ian straightens and concedes, going back to his seat, and again he could have said he loved me.
But he didn’t.
Maybe it’s not fair to be this angry, but it takes too much energy to be rational right now. Our car pulls up to my apartment building, and I just don’t know what to do. “Jules, wait. Can I have a minute please?” he asks the driver. He nods and Ian follows me out of the car. “Please listen to me.”
“I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.” My voice feels hollow. “I respect how you feel. I understand this is hard for you. But I can’t keep doing this anymore, Ian. I’m done waiting for you.”
I don’t know what it’s going to take, but I know I can’t have him in the way I want to. Ian gave his heart away and there’s nothing left for me. I’m tired of being lonely. “It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just—”
“He’s not coming back, Ian.” I hate the way he flinches, and maybe I shouldn’t say this, but I have to.
It’s the truth. “He’s not. I don’t know what it’s going to take to make you see me.
You said you’re tired of being lonely, and you know what?
I am too. I can’t keep accepting less than you’re willing to give me.
I understand there’s a part of you that will always belong to him.
But I deserve more than bits and pieces.
I can’t force you to feel things you don’t, though.
It’s not fair to either of us. I need some space, okay? I’ll see you next week for work.”
I pull myself away, hurting so bad it takes everything in me not to turn back to him. I’m breaking, but I can’t do this anymore.
I’m done chasing Ian.
I almost don’t answer the knock at my door.
Once Ian left earlier, I fell asleep. I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until I got home. It’s dark now and I glance at the clock. It’s nearly ten. Shit, I slept a while. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I make my way to the door, hoping to hell it’s not Ian.
When I swing the door open I look down. Anna’s baby-blue hair is pulled into a high ponytail, and a small smirk slips onto my lips when I see the fleece pajama bottoms she’s wearing. Bubblegum pink. So not what I’d picture for her. “Well? Do I have a stepdaddy?”
“Not now, Anna.” I disappear inside and hear her shut the door softly.
“Oh no.” I hear her footsteps behind me. “What’s going on?”
“You haven’t gone to Ian’s?”
“Why the hell would I do that?”
“Why the hell are you here?”
“Because I want to know if we’re all going to live happily ever after. I’m very invested in this. I get away with more when Ian’s in a good mood.” I ignore her, going to the kitchen and putting my kettle on the burner. I find a mug and grab myself a tea bag.
“You want some?”
“No.” I hear one of the bar stools at the island scrape as I set up my mug. “What’s going on, Jules?”
The tone in her voice snags my attention.
“Don’t do that.”
She blinks. “Do what?”
“I don’t know. That voice. It’s weird.”
“Weird?”
“Like you’re concerned.” She rolls her eyes. “Go back to hating me, that feels right.”
She sighs and I want manic Anna back right this second. I don’t know what to do with this. “I don’t hate you, Jules. You know that.”
“What I know is we fight, bicker, and play pranks on each other. We don’t talk, we battle.” I squeeze honey into my cup. “I can’t handle sympathy right now.”
The teapot whistles and I pour hot water into my mug. “What happened?”
I turn to her. All her teasing’s gone. I join her at the island, not meeting her eyes as I steep the bag. “Nothing,” I say softly. “Just had the best week of my life all to tell Ian I’m in love with him and have him completely freeze up on me.” I take a sip, burning my tongue.
“What did he say?”
“He said ‘I love you but.’”
“Oh, not the but.”
“A big but.” I take another sip now that I’ve burned my tastebuds. “I’m done, Anna. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Oh, Jules.”
I shake my head. “No. Nope. Call me names, do something else. I need manic Anna right now.”
“What you need is a friend.” I’m not used to this, and I’m not sure she isn’t breaking me right now.
My jaw pops. I focus on the tea bag. “I don’t know what it’s going to take,” I say softly.
“If he was going to love me, he’d be in love with me by now.
Right? It’s been seven years. If this were going to happen, it would.
It would have.” I sigh. “There’s no room for me. He will always belong to him.”
Anna’s quiet for a moment and I know how awkward this must be.
“Maddox was my best friend, my brother, my soulmate. He was everything to me, and he loved big. If he claimed you, that was it. You were his to take care of. He loved his people and he loved Ian. I don’t know what’s going on in Ian’s mind, but I refuse to believe he feels nothing for you. ”
I shake my head. “He’s had all the opportunity, Grems. It’s not taking. I have to respect his feelings. I can’t force things that aren’t there. It’s just how it is.”
“Jules.” I look up at her. “You can respect him and how he feels and still feel sad. Respecting him doesn’t mean not feeling what you need to. You have every right to be upset.”
I look at her, shocked by the sincerity in this tiny chaotic tornado. “Anna, please be mean to me. I can’t handle whatever this is.”
“Asshole.”
“You can do better than that. Keep it coming.”
Instead, she hops down and makes her way around the island. “I’m going to do this once, and we will never speak of it again.” I’m confused before her tiny arms wrap around me.
The contact must shock something loose, because once her arms go around me, I’m done. I lose it. Everything I’ve held onto since meeting Ian just crumbles. I hug her tighter, probably too tight. She rubs my back and waits for me to come back to the surface.
“You deserve all the good things, Jules. Never settle for less than you deserve.”
I finally pull away from her. “Shit.” I laugh softly, shaking my head and wiping my eyes.
“What is it?”
I look at her then pat the top of her head. “I think you’re my best friend.”
Anna’s pierced brow lifts. “Oh, Jules.” With a lopsided grin that makes her snakebites stick out, she grips my bicep, giving me a quick squeeze. “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”