22. Ian
TWENTY-TWO
IAN
My head is pounding.
I didn’t sleep much last night, but I also didn’t bother moving from my bed. Instead, I just lay there, staring into nothing and letting the hours pass. I should unpack. Besides taking Maddox’s ashes out of my bag, which thankfully didn’t get lost this time, I haven’t done much.
For some reason I kept thinking about the last day Maddox and I were together.
In our shop. I’d pulled a muscle in my back, and he babied the hell out of me as if I’d broken a leg.
I was so angry at him. Not at him, I guess, but it always upset me when he’d brush away my fears.
I just wanted to feel them. He was always so positive, diving head first into shit.
I just wanted to slow down and have a chance to think.
I remember that now because there’d been this air through the shop.
It felt heavy. There was just something off about it.
I’d felt it all day, but I didn’t know what was going on.
If I could go back in time, I’d tell us to stay.
Don’t go to that party. Don’t let them go either.
Have a party for Luci at the shop and don’t let them leave.
What if . . . I wish I could . . . if only I could go back.
All of it’s pointless, though, because we did go.
We went to that party, and I drank too much and stayed behind.
Maddy did leave me and never came back. I lost the love of my life.
He was part of me, and I’ve never really faced this.
Nothing will bring him back. Not me being miserable.
Not hiring new artists. Not being a dick to the people I love most. We lost three friends that night, and there’s nothing that will ever make them come back.
What I have is now. It’s something tangible and fucking incredible.
If I don’t stop living in the past, I’ll lose everything all over again.
Maddox will always be the love of my life, but I know that’s not right either.
Maddox isn’t there alone. Julian is everything good in my life.
Every day I wake up just excited to see him.
These last two weeks were the best moments I’ve ever had, and I know the truth.
I’m in love with Julian in the least platonic way possible. I love him so much, and I broke his heart. I need to see him, but he asked for space. I’m trying to respect that.
Everything is a mess and I only have my fucked-up brain to thank for it.
Why did I freeze like that?
I decide to get up and get dressed. In my kitchen I drop onto the breakfast nook and scrub my hand down my face.
What am I waiting for? Honestly.
I know grief looks different for everyone, but I think mine is slowly killing me. I’m done with this feeling. It’s like I’m stuck in wet cement while the world around me keeps on moving. It feels impossible to move my feet and take a step.
The hard truth is this.
Jules is right.
Madd isn’t coming home. There will never be another him. Not in this lifetime. I bury my face in my hands, sucking in a deep breath, just feeling it. I let it hurt and suffocate me. For the first time I just let myself feel it.
He’s never coming home.
He’s never coming back to me, or Anna, or Jamie.
He’s never going to tattoo or say horrible pick-up lines to me.
I won’t ever fall asleep with him beside me.
I won’t ever wake up to him snoring in my ear.
He’s gone, and my life with him is also gone.
I have to make some sort of peace with it. Maybe not peace, but understanding. I’m alive. I’m here. And if I don’t start treating the people around me right, I’ll be alone, and that’s the last thing on earth I want.
The shop is mine whether I wanted it or not. Tough shit. It’s mine. It’s my responsibility. I was twenty-one and terrified when Maddox bought this place, but that version of me is gone.
I’m not the same person I was before he died.
Back then I didn’t want this responsibility, but now . . . now I do. I want it to succeed. I want to honor him, but I need to do it my way.
No.
Our way. Jules’s and mine, because he’s part of this too.
I grab a spiral notebook off my table and flip it open. Ideas. Change. Things I want to do for the shop. Things I want Jules’s input about. I’m feeling stuck.
My gaze drifts to the ashes on the counter.
For years I’ve lived my life trying to do what I thought Madd would want, making myself miserable in the process. The truth is hard, but it’s reality. Maddox is gone. Anna is here. Jules is here.
I am here.
It’s our shop now.
I jot down immediate changes that can be done quickly with little money involved.
We need to move the appointments for the rest of the month, and I hope Anna can take care of that on Monday.
We need this month to reset. We can’t keep burning ourselves out like this.
I can’t keep asking that of Julian. We need help.
We also need to hire people.
I pause, pen hovering over the page, then look back at the ashes. I don’t want to scatter them. He always wanted to visit the island, but I like to think he’d want to be here with me more. In the shop. Beside me while I tattoo.
At his station.
The knock on my door is violent enough to rip me out of my thoughts.
My heart lurches. Ever since the morning Maddox died, sudden knocks send me into a panic. Another round of knocks echo. I get up and wrench the door open.
Anna stands there. Furious.
Her snake bites stick out because she’s clenching her jaw so tight. “You’re a fucking idiot.”
“Aw, I missed you too, baby girl.”
Her tiny fist twists into my shirt and I’m shocked she doesn’t punch me. Instead she shoves me backward and slams the door behind her. “You know I don’t get involved in men’s bullshit, so I’m really pissed off.”
“You’re kind of red.”
Her jaw clenches tighter. “Do you know where I was yesterday?”
“Some crevice you carved out near the gates of hell?”
Her lips purse. “Jules.”
Oh shit.
“You’re a fucking idiot, Ian!”
I move toward the coffee maker. I’m going to need caffeine for this.
I haven’t slept since we got back, and I’m trying very hard not to think about why.
“You’re lucky I took an edible before I came over here or my fingers would be so tight around your throat right now!
” She mocks choking the air. “Do I have to physically drag you to a watering hole and shove your head inside to make you drink?!”
“I don’t think that’s how the saying goes.”
“Ian! You love him!” she snaps. “Holy shit, we all know you love him, and you hurt him!”
“I—” I think of my hesitation and fear. Worse. The look on his face. “I know, but I’ve thought about—”
“You. Love. Him!” She buries her face in her hands and screams, then drops them, eyes shining. “I can’t do this anymore. I miss him too, you know. Not that you ever ask me how I feel, but I do!”
“You don’t like to talk about it. I just thought—”
“I know I don’t!” she yells. “But I would like you to at least try.” She swallows hard.
“Ask me how I’m doing and I’ll tell you to fuck off, but you ask me anyway, Ian.
It’s what friends do. You still check in, even if it makes me uncomfortable.
I’d rather be uncomfortable than feel like you don’t give a shit. Ask me!”
“How . . .” I’m so confused. “How are you doing, Anna?”
“I’m fucking miserable, Ian. I’m miserable and I fucking miss him!
I hate this! I fucking hate this! I hate how unfair this is.
I hate how hard he worked while he was alive to achieve something he never got the chance to see!
I hate it!” I wince at her scream. She shakes her head, her pale skin growing blotchy.
“He was yours, yeah, sure, but he was mine first! He was my best friend. My brother. You have no clue what I’ve been through. No clue what he meant to me!”
She drops onto the floor crouching with her head tucked into her arms resting on her knees.
Her small body shudders. I crouch down on the floor beside her, tentatively trying to put my arms around her, awkward and not knowing where to place them. When they do make contact she sags into me. I blink the burn in my eyes away. I rub her back and let her cry.
“This is so weird,” I whisper.
“I know.” She sobs harder.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “I’ve been a shitty friend.” She nods. “I’m going to be better, though. I promise.”
“I miss him so much.”
“Me too.” I hug her tighter. “Could you imagine if he were a ghost and could see this right now.”
A laugh bubbles out of her throat. “He’d be laughing his ass off.” Finally, she pulls her face back. Her cheeks are streaked with makeup. She reaches for me, and I think she’s going to hug me, but instead she wipes her makeup onto my shirt.
She slowly stands, taking a deep breath and glaring at me. “We are never to speak of this again.”
“Until I ask you how you’re doing.”
“Yeah, well, I’m going to tell you to fuck off.”
“And I’m going to ask anyway.”
She pats her eyes with her sleeve. “You need to stop hurting Jules. He’s the best thing that’s happened to us since Maddy died. If you fuck this up and he leaves, I’m done. I won’t watch you destroy the one good thing we have. He’s the best fucking man we know, and I know you love him.”
I can’t move or breathe. “You’re right,” I whisper.
“I know I’m right!” she yells, then rubs her eyes again.
“I think I thought that wanting anyone else meant betraying him.”
Anna let’s out a watery laugh. “Owning the shop with us was his dream, Ian. He wouldn’t want us doing this alone.” She softens. “Stop hurting Jules. He doesn’t deserve it.”
“I love him.” The admission cracks something open in me. “I love him. I love him so fucking much.”
“No shit.”
She tries to pull away, but I hold her in a tight hug until she relaxes in my arms. “I hate you.”
“And I love you.” I kiss the top of her head. “I’m really sorry, and you’re right. I need to check in with you more.” I squeeze her arms. “Even if it makes you want to puke.”
“Go make this right with Julian.”
“He said he’s done.”
“Then make a move, Ian.” she snaps. “For once in your life make a fucking move. Now!”