3. Raleigh
Raleigh
3
My knee bounces as I wait for my communications class to end. I’ve been a wreck ever since I emailed my professor after my last exam, requesting a chance for some extra credit or a re-do of the exam to try and claw my way out of the hole I seem to be digging. He emailed me back saying he’d like a chance to review my work over the past year to see if my failing results are a lack of understanding or a lack of asserting myself.
He said he’d have an answer for me in a week’s time, and over the past week, all I’ve been able to focus on is the fact he suggested I’m just not trying hard enough. Because let’s be honest, it’s not that I don’t understand the coursework. I know what I’m doing, and I understand the work. Hell, I’m spending every waking hour studying as well, yet when it comes time to sit down for these exams, I just . . . can’t.
I bomb every time. It’s like there’s some kind of mental wall that slams down and prevents me from going any further along this journey. It’s as though I’m doomed to remain as this nothingness I’ve become, no matter how hard I work to claw my way out.
This is my only hope to save myself. I have no choice but to pass this class. Giving up and returning home isn’t an option. I’m in this for the long haul.
The class ends, and I watch as the students around me begin packing up. There are a million of them, and it seems to take forever before they’ve cleared out enough to offer me some sort of privacy to talk with the professor.
Getting up from my small space in the amphitheater, I make my way down to the professor, my whole body shaking with nerves. I clutch my bag tightly, each step bringing me closer and closer to doom.
By the time I reach the bottom step, the room is completely cleared out, and as I somehow manage to hold my composure, I approach his desk. “Excuse me, Professor,” I say, inching toward him. “My name is Raleigh Stone. I emailed you last week in regard to the recent exam. I was wondering if you—”
“Had the chance to review your work?” he finishes for me, not looking very pleased to see me standing here as he pushes his glasses up his nose. “Yes, Miss Stone, I have, and let me tell you, I am not impressed.”
I swallow hard. “I’m sorry?” I mutter, not having expected him to be quite so bold.
“I have been considering your request all week, and I am honestly dumbfounded,” he says. “Where on this green Earth do you get off thinking it’s acceptable to request a re-do of an exam? You are one of three hundred students, and I don’t know if it’s because you believe you are superior to the other students taking my course who are actually putting in the work, but in no way, shape, or form, would it be fair for me to allow you to re-take this exam. It was designed to test your current knowledge and understanding of the course work, and a re-do would be nothing but a slap in the face to those who are actually putting in the effort to pass this course.”
“I . . . that’s not at all what—”
“Being the sister of a rockstar does not give you advantages. This isn’t high school. This is the real world, Miss Stone, and unfortunately, it’s time for you to adjust your expectations. You won’t sail through riding on the coattails of your brother’s success. If you wish to succeed, put the effort in just like everyone else.”
“With all due respect, Sir. You are making an unfair assumption about me,” I tell him. “It was not my intention to suggest I get advantages over the other students. I’ve worked hard to ensure that doesn’t happen, and I see now how foolish it was to ask for a re-do of an exam. I didn’t look at it in that light. However, I don’t believe it’s an unfair request for extra credit. I’m sure if you look back, you will see that I am a good student. I work hard, and I believe I have a fair understanding of your course. I really want to pass this class, Sir. I need to pass.”
The professor sits back in his seat, his gaze locked on me as the silence in the room becomes unbearable. “Okay, Miss Stone,” he finally says. “I will allow you one final chance to prove that you belong here. Let me down, and you’ll leave me with no choice but to fail you. Is that clear?”
“Yes, Sir,” I say with a heavy sigh of relief. “I won’t let you down.”
“See that you don’t.”
I scram, all but racing out of there before he gets a chance to change his mind. It wasn’t exactly how I imagined that conversation to go, and I’m not going to lie, the assumption that I would try to use my brother’s fame as a free ride through college is offensive. But what matters is that he’s willing to give me a chance.
All hope has not been lost.
Assuming the professor will email my extra credit work, I make my way back home after quickly stopping for a late lunch.
It’s been a day, and after being blindsided by the pictures splashed all over social media of Demon’s Curse partying it up in Sydney after wrapping the Australian leg of the tour, I’m so ready to call it a day. It’s bad enough seeing pictures of your brother snorting coke off a hooker’s tits, but to see just how fucked up Devil Spawn was . . . Well, those are the pictures that always kill me.
Ezra is far from being the incredible man I fell in love with. The man who would sit at the end of my bed and scrawl lyrics while I talked shit. The man who held me after my mother died. I don’t think the real Ezra Knight even exists anymore, and nothing is more gut-wrenching than that.
Getting home, I make my way into my bedroom and drop my bag onto my bed before pulling out all of my books. If I’m going to pass this damn class, then I’m going to have to get my shit together and learn how to block out the world around me. I can’t allow myself to fall to pieces every time someone captures Ezra in a compromising position, otherwise, I’ll never live a normal life.
Hell, it’s been six years. Why can’t I seem to move past this already? He’s nothing but a figment of my imagination.
I start cramming as though I were preparing for a test and going over everything I’ve ever learned in my comms class, even the stuff I feel I already know better than my own black heart. I won’t fail this class. Like I said, it’s not an option. Not just because I owe it to Axel after he so generously paid my tuition fees, but because going back to that house in Michigan is something I will never do.
It’s just after five when I hear Madds come in, and as I track her footsteps through our small apartment, I lift my gaze, sensing her right outside my door. She kicks it open a moment later with a huge candle in her hand and her nose shoved into it. She inhales deeply. “Holy shit, girl. You have to smell this. It’s Fireball.”
I arch a brow and stare at her as she hurries around my bed and shoves her brand-new candle in my face. I take a whiff, and a stupid smirk stretches across my face. “Those of us who aren’t alcoholics refer to that as cinnamon.”
She rolls her eyes. “Those of us who make a point to enjoy the smaller things in life would disagree,” she tells me.
My jaw drops. “I do enjoy the smaller things in life.”
“Says the girl currently sprawled across her bed on a Monday afternoon, buried under a pile of textbooks.” I stare blankly, and she puts the candle down on my bedside table before sweeping the books off my bed to make space for her ass. “Is this because of your comms class?”
I nod as a heavy sigh tears from deep inside of me. “Yep. He’s giving me one last shot to pull my shit together, otherwise, he’s failing me.”
“What? That’s bullshit.”
“No, bullshit was when he suggested I was a freeloader who thought she was going to sail through college on her brother’s fame.”
“No,” she gasps. “Tell me you’re lying.”
“I wish I were,” I say. “So now on top of needing to raise my grade, I also have to prove I’m actually good enough to be here, and that my admission wasn’t just accepted because I’m Axel Stone’s little sister.”
Her face scrunches with distaste before her eyes light up. “You know what you need?” she asks, watching me a little too closely. “Dick. You need a lot of dick. Like a big, thick dick that’ll take you to pound town.”
“I do not need a dick.”
“The girls who say they don’t need a dick are the ones who need it the most. Just a wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. It’ll be done and dusted in twenty minutes, and assuming he knows how to use his equipment, you’ll be left feeling like a whole new woman.”
“I don’t think so.”
“You know, it’s scientifically proven that releasing all that pent-up frustration is great for the mind. Once you come and throw him out, you can get back to your textbooks and your mind will be like a little sponge soaking up all the communications drivel that nobody actually cares about.”
I give her a blank stare. “You made that up.”
Madds shrugs her shoulders. “It could be true.”
I roll my eyes, but before I get a chance to tell her how ridiculous she is, she pulls her phone out. “Listen, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I ran into this guy yesterday who said that he saw us together last week and wanted to know if you were single, and of course I told him you were available. He’s really cute and seems super down to Earth, and I think you should go to dinner with him tonight and see where it goes.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Don’t be a bore. We’re twenty-two years old. This is our time to fuck around and have a good time. Before we know it, college will be over, and we’ll be out there in the real world, and when you look back on these days, it won’t be with fondness. You’ll be bummed that you wasted your youth holed up in a stinky bedroom, reading over textbooks you already know back to front.”
My shoulders sag as I gaze up at her. I haven’t been with anyone since starting college, to the point I’m becoming quite fond of the cobwebs growing in my vagina. Fucking around with random guys isn’t really my style. He Who Shall Not Be Named Out Loud ruined me for that, but the idea of being touched by a man . . .
Shit. I have mixed feelings. I have a whole closet of trauma that I refuse to look at, but at what point am I supposed to claim my life back? My years with Ezra were amazing, but after they left me alone with him . . . It destroyed me in every way.
Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.
I have more scars than any woman should ever have to deal with, and they’re all packaged up inside of me. But every day, I feel the seals of that package begin to weaken, like little tendrils of a rope, slowly breaking fiber by fiber, and eventually, it’s going to tear wide open, and I’m terrified of the day that happens.
I’m not coping. I can feel myself falling to pieces, but maybe Madds is right. Maybe holding out on myself isn’t the key. Maybe it’s time to let go and try to enjoy the smaller things in life. Who knows, maybe this guy is the one who’s going to light a match inside of me and ignite the fire that Ezra burned out.
“Alright,” I finally tell her, feeling the small amount of hope I just mustered up already fading fast. “Give me his number.”
Madds gapes at me. “Wait. What?” she stutters. “For real? I was just talking shit. There’s no way I thought you’d actually agree. I was already thinking about ordering Thai food.”
“Do you want me to go or not?”
“Yes!” she screeches, flying up from my bed. “Oh my god, yes! We need to figure out something for you to wear. Holy shit.” Madds pauses and looks at me, tears forming in her big blue eyes. “My girl is finally going to get laid.”
Well, shit. What could possibly go wrong?
Two hours later, I walk into the only fancy restaurant in town, and by fancy, I mean it’s the only one that offers napkins and clean cutlery. Apart from this, our options were McDonald’s or the college bar. At least here I could maybe get a decent steak.
Making my way to the hostess, I offer her a small smile. “Hi, I’m meeting someone. I’m not sure what he looks like.”
“Do you have a name?”
I cringe. Shit. Why’d she have to hit me with the hard questions? “Uhhh . . . Brad. I think?”
The hostess looks over her booking sheet, trailing her fingers through the names. “Ah, yes. Brad. We have you right here. It doesn’t look as though he’s arrived yet. Can I offer you a seat at the bar while you wait, or would you like to go straight to your table?”
“The table will be fine, thank you.”
“Sure thing.”
The hostess leads me through the restaurant and shows me to my table, and as she scurries off, I take my seat and gaze over the menu.
The waitress comes by, and I order a glass of water while I wait. As the time passes, I stop watching the door with anticipation and stare into my empty glass.
By the thirty minute mark, any remaining hope I had for tonight plummets out of existence. The waitress brings me a fresh water, and I let out a sigh as she places it down in front of me. “I’m embarrassing myself, aren’t I?” I ask. “I should leave and save my dignity.”
“Girl, I would have left twenty minutes ago. Any man who makes you wait thirty minutes on a first date is not a man worth waiting for.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I say, getting up. “Sorry for wasting your time. You could have been waiting on a decent table instead of watching me sulk for half an hour.”
“It’s fine, honey.”
She gives me a pitying smile before disappearing. Trying to save what’s left of my night, I make my way toward the exit of the restaurant when the door opens and a tall beast of a man strides in. His gaze shifts around the restaurant, quickly scanning the faces before finally landing directly on mine.
A forced smile cracks across his face as he approaches me. “Hey, Raleigh, right?”
My gaze shifts up and down his tall frame. There’s no denying that he’s hot. Almost perfect, actually, but I’m not impressed. “I take it you’re Brad?”
“Yeah. Shit. How long have you been here?” he questions, not giving me a chance to bail before stepping into me and bustling me back toward the table I just vacated.
“Long enough,” I tell him. “I’m out.”
“Don’t be stupid. Sit down. Have a drink,” he says, leaning back as though he’s got this in the bag. “Relax.”
Getting the feeling he’s the type to cause an embarrassing scene, I drop my ass back to the seat and swallow my pride. Who knows, maybe he might have some redeeming qualities buried in there somewhere. It’s unlikely, but would I be the kind-hearted person I’ve always claimed to be if I didn’t at least give him a chance? Perhaps he got a flat on the way. Maybe he spilled water down his pants and had to head home to change so he didn’t look like he’d pissed himself. There could be any number of excuses for why he’s late.
Brad clicks his fingers at the waitress. “Yo, baby. Hit me with a menu.”
The fuck? Is this guy for real?
The waitress comes back over and hands Brad a menu before turning her body to face me. She meets my eye and pulls a face, and I do what I can to swallow my laughter.
Brad scans over the menu, looking less than impressed with the options as he makes an attempt at small talk. “So, you’re Raleigh Stone, huh?” he asks, glancing up to show me the deceit in his eyes. “Is that any relation to Axel Stone from Demon’s Curse?”
Well, fuck. I should have known.
How could a man possibly be interested in me when he could use me to get to my brother instead?
“The one and only,” I say blandly, realizing within an instant that Madds was so off the mark with this one. There will be no dick tonight, no solid pounding up against the wall, no Earth-shattering orgasm to clear out the cobwebs.
This guy is a fucking joke.
“Oh, cool. So like, they just wrapped up their Australian tour, right? So that means they’re heading back to the States.”
“Yeah. Sure, I suppose.”
“So, I guess you see your brother a lot, then?” he questions, his brow raised. “Will he come see you now that he’s got a few weeks off? Like surely you’re his first stop on his way back to LA?”
I shrug my shoulders, and as I watch him closer, it occurs to me that this asshole is trying to figure out if he fucks me for the next few days, what his chances are at meeting Axel.
Holy fucking shit. “You know what, he doesn’t usually come out to see me mid-tour.”
“Oh.”
His whole face falls, and he does what he can to mask his disappointment by looking back down at the menu. The discomfort at the table is almost comical, and as I look around, I catch the eye of the waitress. She gives me a thumbs up before flipping it upside down, silently asking me how it’s going, and I don’t hesitate to return her thumbs down.
“Fuck, this place is shit,” Brad says, stealing my attention from the waitress. “Glad I just stopped for a burger on the way.”
My eyes practically burst out of my head. “Excuse me?”
“No big deal, baby. Just grabbed something to eat,” he says before winking. “Figured we wouldn’t be here long.”
“You left me waiting here for you for thirty minutes while you stopped to get yourself a burger?” I question, trying to wrap my head around this. “Holy fuck. You’re a piece of shit.”
“What?”
I stand and grab my purse. “I see men like you all the time. You think you can fuck your way into meeting my brother, but the joke’s on you because after finding out that you left me waiting for thirty minutes while you stopped to feed your arrogant ass, he wouldn’t even give you the time of day. And for what it’s worth, meeting the fucking waitress was more thrilling than sitting opposite you. I honestly pity the poor woman you end up with.”
With that, I hightail it out of there, and as I pass the hostess, she holds her hand out for a high five, and I don’t fucking miss. Only the second I get back into my car and the silence surrounds me, all I feel is empty.
I used to have it all, and now this is what I’m subjected to.
How the hell have I fallen so low?
I’m pathetic. Nothing more than someone else’s meal ticket to my brother . . . or Ezra. The number of girls who’ve asked me if I can give them Ezra’s number is just insane.
Tears roll down my cheeks as I pull out of my parking space, and by the time I’m halfway back to my apartment, there are enough tears to fill the Nile, and I have no choice but to pull over and wait for it to run its course.
The tears just keep coming, and before I know it, heavy sobs tear through my chest. I’m fucking pathetic. I’m failing my classes, I’m a joke to those around me, and on top of that, I’ve lost my happiness. Every day is a struggle, and I feel myself breaking. Hell, I think I’m already there.
My phone rings, cutting through the Bluetooth in my car, and instead of rejecting the call until I find just a semblance of composure, a wave of anger infects me. Before I know it, I’m answering Axel’s call.
“Hey Turd—”
“It’s all your fault,” I rush out between my heavy sobs, barely able to catch my breath. “Do you have any idea what life is like for me? As long as you’re my brother, I don’t stand a chance of having a normal life.”
“Rae—”
“No. Don’t Rae, me,” I cry. “You have no idea what kind of hell I had to endure after you left. You were my only protection, both of you were, and then you were just gone. Do you have any idea how that feels? What he did to me? What it’s like to have to go through that night after night? How could you leave me to endure that?”
“What?” he says, a shift in his tone that sends searing hot panic through my chest.
Fuck.
I wasn’t supposed to say that. I’ve gone six agonizing years without saying a word, and in one fell swoop, I’ve word vomited it all out onto the pavement. My heart races as horror leaves me absolutely speechless.
“What the fuck did you just say, Raleigh? What are you talking about? Did someone touch you?”
“I . . . I . . . It’s nothing. Just forget I said anything,” I tell him, my whole body shaking with unease.
If he knew. If they knew.
I’ve gone out of my way not to breathe a word of my past to Axel because the moment he discovers the truth, his career is over. He would be back in Michigan within an instant, undoing everything he’s worked for. And the guilt . . . It would cripple him.
“Rae. I’m not fucking around. What are you talking about?”
“Really, I’m fine,” I tell him, wiping my tears on the back of my arm. “I’m just having a really shitty day. Madds talked me into going on a blind date, and after making me wait for over half an hour, turns out all he wanted was to fuck me in the hopes of getting an in with you.”
“The fuck?”
“Welcome to my life,” I say with a heavy sigh.
“Shit. It’s happened before?”
“Not that specific situation,” I tell him, feeling my heart begin to ease. “But as a whole. Yes. All the time. Just today my communications professor accused me of being a freeloader who thinks she can get a pass through college because I’m Axel Stone’s little sister simply for asking for an extra credit assignment. This is just my life, Ax. I don’t get to be normal.”
“Fuck, Rae. I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “Do you want me to put in a call with the dean and see if I can help?”
An unladylike scoff tears out of me. “Hell no,” I tell him. “Are you trying to make everything worse?”
“No, I just—”
“It’s fine, Axel. I know you mean well, and I swear, I didn’t mean to worry you. It’s just been a rough week, and you just happened to call right at the worst time. I just need the night to feel sorry for myself, and I’ll be good as new tomorrow.”
There’s a slight pause before a slow “Mm-hmm” comes through the speakers.
“You’re on your way home, right?” I ask, trying to act as though everything is right in the world. “You get two weeks off to relax.”
“Yeah, we’re on the jet now,” he says with a slight hesitation in his tone.
I force a ridiculous smile across my face. “After partying it up in Australia with hookers and coke?” I ask, trying to be supportive of his night, despite how the idea of Ezra being involved seems to eat me alive.
“Fuck,” he mutters, and I can all but hear the cringe ripping across his face. “You saw that, huh?”
“More like who didn’t see it? It was splashed across every news page in the country. You and Devil Spawn practically broke the internet.”
“Devil Spawn?”
“He Who Shall Not Be Named.”
“Right.”
“Yeah . . .”
An awkward silence seems to settle between us and, not being able to handle it, I quickly wrap up this nightmare. “Listen, it’s starting to rain, and it looks like it’ll be a nasty storm, so I better go before I get stuck driving in it.”
“Okay, sure. I’ll ummm . . . drive safe, alright? Text me when you get home so I know you’re okay.”
“Sure thing, Ax. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Turd.”
My thumb sweeps over the hang-up button on my steering wheel and as the car falls into a heavy silence, I feel another piece of my soul crumble. Then after looking up at the crystal clear sky, I finally dry my face and get my ass back home where I can spend the rest of my night wishing that my life could have been different.
Wishing that Axel never left.
Wishing that Ezra never broke me to pieces.
And wishing that he never even looked my way.