Chapter 26
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
RYE
Pulling up at the end of the long drive leading to my dad’s barns, I wanted to throw my seat back and wallow in my truck for the next week. When I couldn’t see her face anymore, the thought of losing Aubrey made my heart race and put a pit of some nasty feeling in my stomach.
Being the guy stuck carrying hope around all the damn time sucked balls sometimes.
The land sale hadn’t gone through yet. I could rescind my offer. I could stay where I was. My dad would take me back, and I could go back to… doing the same shit I’d done my whole fucking life and getting no credit or satisfaction or pride out of it. Whether Aubrey loved me or not, I needed her to be proud of me, like I was a kid again, proving I’d never fall off my horse.
But dammit, I needed to be proud of me too.
With a Thermos of coffee in one hand and some of her homemade banana bread in the other, my mama was waiting for me in front of the barn. I’d smelled the bread baking all the way down the lane at my cabin before I left this morning.
As I approached her, I tried to walk tall. The last thing I needed was for my mother to know I’d failed again. That I’d fucked up the only thing I’d ever really wanted:
A chance to love Aubrey.
Now, doubt warred with all that hope in my head.
Goddamn. I’m so sick and fucking tired of this feeling!
My parents and their lack of faith in me had worn me thin, and now doubt had infected things with Aubrey. Had I come on too strong?
Mama smiled cautiously. “Thought you might need a pick-me-up.”
Shit. She already knew. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how the fuck she got wise to every single thing I did when I was in town, but I had a feeling she and Uncle Red’s girlfriend had made friends, which made zero sense because Liluye was just about the most accepting person I’d ever met. I hoped her kindness would start to rub off on my mama.
She read the frustration on my face. “Yes, Liluye called,” she confirmed without me even saying a word. “She said you left the bookstore lookin’ defeated. Things didn’t go well with Aubrey?”
“No,” I said, “didn’t go well at all.”
“I’m sorry, Ryder. Truly I am. I thought when I went to talk to Aubrey, she understood?—”
A red haze washed over my vision. “You did what ?”
When she saw the anger flashing in my eyes, she fumbled to explain. “Y-yes. I needed to run a few errands in town anyway, so I stopped to see her Monday mornin’. I wanted her to know that it isn’t her I don’t approve of. It’s the situation.”
“Dammit, Mama. You wouldn’t approve of anyone I love, even if she was the goddamn queen of England! How could you do it? What’d you say to her?”
“Well, I just told her I understood that she needed to be a mother first, and if her boys weren’t ready for her to be in a relationship again, then she’d need to figure that out before you two jumped into anything serious, and if you’re set on this new business idea of yours, then she?—”
Manners be damned this time.
Throwing my head back, I screamed at the sky, “Fuck!” But then I remembered who I was speaking to and tried to tamp down my temper. “Mama, I don’t give two shits about your approval. My choices and decisions have nothin’ to do with you. I need you to hear me right now: Butt the fuck out!”
“Ryder,” she breathed. “You’ve never spoken to me like this.” She pursed her lips, and if I had gauged the look on her face correctly, she was trying to hold back tears.
Goddammit! Now I’d made my own mama cry?
“There’s your Gemini twin comin’ out. Thank God we only see him once or twice a year.” She sniffled quietly, collecting herself and looking past me into the morning sun. When she could speak in her normal voice again, she said, “Well, have I made it worse?”
“Yeah, I think you did.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, guilt filling every syllable. Maybe she’d finally realized she’d crossed a line she shouldn’t have. “But she’s too old for you, Ryder. You know she is.”
Nope. Guess not.
“Damn you, Mama. She is not. Listen to me now. I don’t want kids. I never have. Even if Aubrey and I don’t make it, I will not be havin’ kids with anyone. There’s nothin’ wrong with me not wantin’ children, so it’s time you accept it. Process it. Do whatever you gotta do, but stop houndin’ me about it. Hear me?”
There were those tears again. But what did she think? That I’d pop out some toddlers easy peasy just so she’d be happy?
“You have three grandkids already. Maybe you oughta focus on them instead of me for a change. Take a damn vacation and go see ’em.”
Her breath hitched in a series of hiccups. “I-I just couldn’t stand it if she broke your heart.”
“Too late for that,” I said, turning to go… somewhere. Anywhere that wasn’t the inside of my head. Everything was falling apart. I wanted to rip my hair out. I lifted my hands and gripped it at the roots. “Fuck.”
“You really love her?” Mama asked.
I laughed. It was the only sure thing I knew.
Looking out at the mountains, I drew in a deep breath and let it ground me, let it slow my racing heart. “Yeah, I love Aubrey, Mama. When I look at her, I see the rest of my life play out in front of me like a movie. She’s in every scene. I love her the way you love Dad. The way he loves you. Why can’t you accept it?”
There was true sorrow in her voice now. “How can I make it right?”
That stopped me in my tracks. If there was one thing my mama was good at, it was making young men feel guilty and then want to work their fingers to the bone to mend the fences they’d busted.
And I just happened to know of two newly unemployed targets she could set her sights on.
“Hey, cowboy,” a woman slurred when I took a stool at the local bar in the little farm town I found myself in up in Oregon. I ordered a Bud from the bartender as the woman ran her finger over my wrist on the bar top. “You lookin’ for a little fun tonight?”
No, I sure wasn’t. I wouldn’t be having any fun without Aubrey, and I’d spent the last two days up to my elbows in cow shit and crops of clover and, just for the irony, rye. So no. No drunken fun for me.
Scanning the dimly lit, barely occupied bar that looked like someone had thrown up neon and argon all over it, I noticed the woman’s purse and keys on the bar five stools away. The bartender caught my eye and nodded. He swiped her keys, pocketed them, and then he called her name.
“Marie, how ’bout we call your daughter to come pick you up?”
“I’m just havin’ some fun, talkin’ to this cowboy here, Johnny.” She turned back my way just as Johnny set my beer in front of me. “You’re not from around here, are you?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Ma’am?” She scoffed. “I’m not your fucking mother.”
“I mean no disrespect, but I got me a woman back home. I’m not lookin’ to replace her for the night.”
Thankfully, Johnny had already begun to dial his phone to call her ride.
“Whatever,” Marie said.
She stumbled away on too-high heels to the back of the room where some other guys sat around a high top, drinking cans of Pabst and playing a game of cards, and I nodded my thanks to the bartender while he spoke to Marie’s daughter.
The drive to Oregon had been long and lonely. The whole time, all I could think about was the look on Aubrey’s face when she’d tried to set me free. I tried calling her to what… apologize for my mama? Yeah, and for pushing too hard. And for loving her more than she knew what to do with. I knew this wasn’t easy for her to navigate.
She didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure if leaving had been the right thing to do, but I knew if I’d shown up on her doorstep, shit would’ve gone sideways fast.
She knew how much I wanted her. She knew I loved her. I’d spent the last several weeks drilling home the point. But she needed to figure us out on her own.
And I needed her to choose me.
Yeah, there’d be obstacles. Aubrey’s boys’ disapproval was one hell of a mountain to climb, but if it were up to me, their discontent wouldn’t stop me. I’d lived with Calla Graves far too long to be bothered by a little naysaying.
But that was me. It had always been my style. When I wanted something, I went after it hard, and Aubrey was the only woman I’d wanted for as long as I could remember. But I couldn’t force this. As much as I wanted to, I knew this time I had to be patient and wait for Aubrey to decide.
She’d spent the entirety of her adult life letting men, dead and alive, walk all over her.
If Aubrey didn’t come to terms on her own, whether she chose me or didn’t, she’d never feel secure in the choice.
I wanted that surety for her more than anything. She needed to figure out on her own how to follow her heart again, how to choose something good for her.
With my eyes closed, I held my phone in my hand, trying to will Aubrey to make the right choice. I’d checked my notifications fifty times over the course of the day, hoping to see a missed call or text. I was desperate just to hear her voice, but then, finally, my phone dinged, and when I looked at my screen, relief filled every cell inside my body.
It seemed my Spitfire wanted me too.
SPITFIRE
I miss you.
Goddamn. The way that little text bubble filled me up! Relief flooded my chest and lifted up the hard, empty box my heart had become over the last few days.
SPITFIRE
But the boys have jumbled everything up, and I’m still scared. I don’t know how to be your girlfriend.
You’re not my girlfriend. You’re my everything.
And I’m sorry about my mama. She shouldn’t have said that shit to you.
SPITFIRE
You know?
She told me. I’m not proud to say I cussed her out.
SPITFIRE
Was she right though? Am I getting in your way? You lent me that money. Is it affecting your ability to buy Bax’s land?
You saw my bank account. What’s 5 grand gonna do?
SPITFIRE
Right.
Have you laughed today?
SPITFIRE
What?
I know this is hard for you. I hate thinking about you alone inside your head again, so I wanna know if you’ve laughed today.
SPITFIRE
No. I don’t think so.
I’m in Oregon, a couple hours’ drive from the coast by a little town called Sweet Hill, and on my way here, I drove by an Italian restaurant, and their outdoor sign said: Why did the tomato blush?
SPITFIRE
What? Why?
Because it saw the salad dressing! ;)
She started to type out her reply. Three little dots hovered over where her text would appear, but then they disappeared and my phone rang. A picture of Aubrey’s beautiful face popped onto my screen, and I answered faster than I ever had before in my life.
In a quiet voice, she said, “I thought you said you didn’t want kids?”
“I don’t.” Confused, I asked, “Why?”
“Because that was a dad joke if I’ve ever heard one.”
I laughed out loud while she chuckled in my ear.
“Miss you, Spitfire.”
She sighed. “I miss you, too, but I feel silly missin’ you.”
“Why silly?”
“Because when you’re not here, it feels like the last month didn’t happen, like it was all a dream.”
It made me sad, thinking that in order for her to feel loved, she would have to be dreaming.
“It’s not a dream, baby. I’m real. The love I feel for you is real. Trust in that and do whatever you gotta to feel okay about lovin’ me too. I’ve waited a lifetime for you. A few more days won’t kill me, but you can’t have one foot in and one foot out the door.”
I heard her breathing, but she didn’t say anything more.
“Will I see you Sunday?”
“Rye.”
No. No maybes today.
“I’ll see you Sunday,” I said, and I hung up.