Chapter 13
MILA
“You just what?” Aiden asks.
I shake my head, tears of frustration pooling in my eyes.
“You can talk it out,” Tobias encourages me. “Just say everything you want to say without having to worry about anything. We’ll follow along as you tell us.”
“I don’t know,” I mutter.
“You aren’t going to hurt our feelings with what you say. Just talk and get everything out that you want to get out. It’ll help you,” Tobias says.
My mind goes back and forth on whether I should say everything I’m thinking or not. What if I say something that I’ll regret later and they get mad at me?
“You’ve got this,” Aiden encourages me. “If you want, pretend like you are talking to Billie.”
I… I can do that. I take a deep breath and look down at my hands.
“I’m so unsure about everything,” I start off.
“I feel comfortable around you, Tobias, but things are still unsure between us. We’ve known each other for two weeks, and while it feels like a lifetime, I know it’s also really short.
My mom would be telling me to get away from you with all the thoughts running through my head.
But my older brother might tell me to be with you because you are the first person who has made me feel this safe and comfortable.
You see right through me and know when I’m lying.
You just seem to know everything, and it frustrates me but also makes me feel seen. ”
I shake my head. I am absolutely crazy for just saying everything that is on my mind right now.
“I’m worried that if I do stay here, that later down the road you are going to regret it.
That you are going to see I’m so much more work than you wanted and tell me to leave.
What then? If I move out here with all my things, break my lease to my apartment, I wouldn’t have anywhere else to go.
If I’m not working either, then I won’t be able to do anything anyway because I won’t have any money.
That thought alone is just scary to me because I don’t know how I’m going to survive after living with you and having you take care of me every single day,” I rush out.
“And I know Aiden will try to take me in until I can get back on my feet, but what if he finds the love of his life? I don’t want to stay with them and be the third wheel.
I don’t want to move in, then be reminded of everything that I had with you and what I can’t have any longer. ”
Tears are running down my face freely at this point.
“I know that if I stay here, I’m going to love it so much, but also wonder if it’s ever going to go away.
If this is all too good to be true and that…
it’s all a dream. I’m worried that if you kick me out that I’m going to lose myself and not have the will to live any longer.
I’m scared and worried. I don’t know what I’m going to do and I don’t know what I want.
My mind is a mess right now, and I have no idea what I’m even thinking or saying at this point.
There are so many things to consider and think about,” I ramble as I run my hands through my hair.
“Things are just getting to be too much, and I don’t want to make any more decisions.
But how can I not make decisions when I’m an adult and the thought of letting go to allow someone else to make them is scary?
I’ve made my own decisions for so long that I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to just stop and fully let go without worrying. ”
I bury my face in my hands and sob while Tobias holds me against him.
“Oh, Little One,” he whispers. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“You don’t have to sell the apartment if you don’t want to.
I can make payments on it instead so that it can give you the security you want until you are ready to let it go,” Tobias explains.
“And I want you to know that I will never get tired of you. I will never grow bored or think that you are too much work because I love taking care of you and making sure that you have everything you want.”
He runs his hands up and down my arms.
“I didn’t know you were so worried,” Aiden whispers. “I didn’t know you were going through so much and thinking so far in advance.”
“How can I not?” I whisper. “I am responsible for me and only me. There are so many decisions to be made about everything that it’s very overwhelming.”
“Then allow me to take some of them away from you. Allow me to take one or two right now so that you get used to the feeling. When you are ready to let go of some more, then I can take on more responsibility,” Tobias says.
“We can do it slowly that way. Right now I’ll make you a promise, and if I need to say it every day, then I will.
I won’t ever get rid of you. I won’t ever get tired of you.
I won’t ever think you are too much work. I won’t ever tell you to leave.”
“Bu—”
“No buts. If I have to write it on a piece of paper and tape it in every room, I will. I want you to believe it, and I’m willing to wait as long as you need.”
“If I need help reminding you that he won’t leave you as well then I can,” Aiden says. “You are going to be loved here.”
“Can I think about it?” I ask.
“Do you think you can make a decision in a week?” Tobias asks.
“Maybe?” I reply honestly. “I don’t actually know, but I can try.”
Daddy kisses my forehead and hugs me close to him. “It’s okay if you can’t.”
“Well, I’m going to go for now,” Aiden replies. “I can see that I’m no longer needed here.”
“Aiden, I’m sorry,” I whisper as he stands up.
“Sorry for what?”
“Sorry for making you worry so much. I didn’t mean to.”
Aiden bends down and kisses my forehead. “I know you didn’t, and I’m not mad at you. But let’s not keep secrets from each other from now on, alright? Not unless they are for birthdays or Christmas.”
“Okay.” I nod.
Aiden walks out of the house, and I turn to Daddy.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
“Tired,” I mumble.
“Do you want to go take a nap?”
I shake my head. I don’t want to be away from him right now.
“Do you want to go sit out on the porch and rock in the rocking chair with me?” he asks.
“Please?”
Daddy picks me up, walks out of the house, then sits down on the rocking chair, and holds me close.
“What do you want to do for the rest of the day?” Daddy asks.
“Nothing,” I murmur as I snuggle into his body. “Just be with you.”
Because if I do leave, then I want to spend as much time with him as I can.
“I do want you to know that I have some work the day after tomorrow,” he gently says. “I can’t get out of it, so you will be on your own for a couple of hours.”
I pout. “Really?”
He nods. “I know, Little One, but there isn’t anything I can do about it. It’s only going to be for a couple of hours, so you don’t have to worry about it too much.”
“Couple of hours is too much,” I grumble.
Daddy chuckles and holds me tighter.
“I do have something I want to suggest,” he says.
I hum.
“Another woman who lives here at the lodge wants to meet with you when I have to work. Do you think you could meet her?” Tobias asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know her.”
“She doesn’t know you either, but she wants to make friends with you.”
“Even if she knows I may not stay here?” I ask.
He nods. “Yes, even then. She wants to get to know you because she knows that even if you leave, you two can still be friends and that you’ll visit because you know two people here. I think she’s also secretly hoping that you’ll come and visit her if you do decide to leave.”
Everything depends so much on whether I am leaving or not. How am I going to make a decision when there are so many people and reasons to stay here?
What if I want to leave to go back to my apartment and live a miserable life from now on? It’s what I deserve because I was asleep in the car when the crash happened. I should have been awake so that I could warn them or died along with them.
But I had to survive.
“What are you thinking?” Daddy asks.
“Nothing,” I mutter.
He doesn’t need to know about my thoughts. He wouldn’t like them anyway.
“No, we aren’t doing that,” he says in a stern voice. “I don’t like the look that went across your face.”
Sighing, I look up at him. “Just thinking about the crash and living a miserable life after. If it’s something I deserve,” I can’t help but say.
Daddy cups my face in his hands. “You don’t deserve to live a miserable life because you were asleep when the crash happened.”
“But I do. I really do. What if I had been awake?”
“But you weren’t. You can’t go back in time and change what happened.
What would your mother and older brother say if they saw how you were treating yourself right now?
” He asks. “Would they be happy that you are making your life miserable, or would they be sad because they would want you to live your life in the most foolish way?”
“I don’t know,” I mumble.
“I think you do, and I want you to really think about it. What would they say to you?”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“You don’t have to say it out loud, but I want you to be honest with yourself about what they would say,” he murmurs.
“They would be sad that I am treating myself like this. They would be telling me to get myself together and enjoy life,” I say, my voice cracking toward the end.
“Then that’s what you need to do. It’s not going to happen right away, but you are going to get better slowly and start to enjoy life.” He kisses the side of my head. “I’m going to help you through it.”