Chapter 23 #2
I shiver at the memory, fear gripping me anew as shame mixes in from my reactions.
"He just stood there at first, silent and unmoving, then approached me slowly like he was savoring my fear building up. He cut my cheek shallowly with a knife, not deep but enough to sting and leave a mark. Said I looked beautiful when I’m scared in this voice that confused me because it stirred something else inside me.
Then he left without doing more harm. But now I worry about Ryan.
If that night was real, did something bad happen to him?
I haven’t heard from him since, and the thought terrifies me that he might be hurt or worse. "
Dr. Nathaniel nods thoughtfully. "That’s a valid concern to have about Ryan. Have you tried checking on him or contacting anyone who might know his status?"
I shake my head, fear making my voice waver as tears fall freely. "No, I’m too scared to go back there or even call because what if the stalker did something terrible to him, and I walk into danger or discover something I can’t handle?"
Dr. Nathaniel reassures me softly. "We can discuss safe ways to check on him if you want to explore that option later. Has something else been happening that adds to this overwhelm you’re feeling?"
I continue, frustration building as I recount more, the isolation stinging anew.
"Then, he seems to be spreading rumors about my video at work.
Using someone else to do it, like a colleague named Mike who started whispering about why I was hired, saying it was sympathy after the video incident at university. "
Dr. Nathaniel looks a little confused for a moment, but he changes his expression quickly to one of focused concern. "Rumors at your workplace? How do you know or suspect it is connected to the stalker specifically?"
I feel tears flowing freely now, the isolation from work hitting me hard and making me sob. "It has to be him. Who else would know those intimate details and use them against me like this to make my life miserable and turn everyone against me?"
Dr. Nathaniel's voice is gentle and steady. "All of this sounds incredibly frightening for you. You did the right thing by coming here today to talk about it and seek support before it became too much."
I nod, sobbing now as the weight of it all crashes down on me. "I feel like I am breaking down completely. So many things are happening at once, and I needed to talk to someone, anyone, before I lose it entirely and do something I regret like I almost did before."
Dr. Nathaniel picks up the phone on his desk without hesitation, his tone professional and decisive. "Olivia. Please cancel my next appointment and reschedule it for later this week if possible." A pause. "Thank you for handling that."
He hangs up and turns back to me with a reassuring look that helps ease some of my immediate panic. "We’ve more time now to discuss this properly and thoroughly. Let's talk through it step by step. How are these events making you feel beyond the immediate fear?"
I take a shaky breath, feeling a bit of relief from his willingness to listen and make time for me despite his busy schedule.
"I feel scared all the time, like I can’t trust anything or anyone around me anymore.
The fear is constant and exhausting, draining me of any energy I have left and leaving me paranoid about every little thing. "
Dr. Nathaniel nods encouragingly, his voice calm and supportive. "That fear is a natural response to the trauma you’ve been experiencing repeatedly. What specifically scares you the most about the stalker and his actions toward you?"
I think for a moment, tears still falling as I try to articulate the depth of it.
"His control over everything in my life.
He appears and disappears whenever he wants, ruins parts of my life without me even seeing how he does it or being able to stop him.
And last night, he could have hurt me badly but did not.
It confuses me so much and leaves me questioning my own reactions. "
Dr. Nathaniel probes gently. "Do you feel any other emotions toward these events besides the fear and confusion?"
I hesitate, shame creeping in as I admit the truth that has been eating at me. "Sometimes... there’s this arousal mixed with the fear. Like when he cut me last time. It shames me deeply to even say it out loud because it feels so wrong and twisted."
Dr. Nathaniel remains neutral and non-judgmental, his tone reassuring and without any hint of surprise.
"That’s not uncommon in high-stress situations where adrenaline is involved and can confuse the body's signals.
Do not judge yourself harshly for a physiological response that you did not choose or control. "
I feel a bit of relief from his words, the shame easing slightly as I process them. "How do I handle that feeling when it happens? It makes me feel even more confused and guilty about myself."
Dr. Nathaniel suggests calmly. "Acknowledge it without attaching shame to it. Recognize it as a body's reaction to extreme stress, not a reflection of your character or desires."
I nod, absorbing his advice as best I can amidst the emotional turmoil. "Okay. I’ll try to remember that."
We discuss more about the incidents in detail, the conversation helping to untangle some of the knots inside me.
Dr. Nathaniel shifts the topic slightly to practical coping strategies. "Regarding potential breakdowns, if you feel one coming on, try this deep breathing exercise. Inhale slowly for four counts, hold your breath for four counts, then exhale for six counts."
I practice it with him right there in the office, following his lead. "Like this? Inhale, hold, exhale."
He guides me patiently. "Yes, exactly. It helps calm the nervous system and brings you back to the present moment when emotions feel like they are spiraling out of control."
I feel calmer already after a few tries, the tension in my shoulders easing a bit as my breathing steadies.
Dr. Nathaniel continues with more advice.
"Also, if you don’t have anyone to talk to right at that moment, jot down everything in a journal.
Write your thoughts, your feelings, and what triggered them in as much detail as you can.
It helps keep your emotions organized instead of letting them build up unchecked. "
He pauses, studying me for a moment. "I suggested journaling to you before. Did you ever try it?"
I hesitate, my fingers tightening in my lap. "Not really." I admit quietly. "I thought about it a few times, but I never actually did."
Dr. Nathaniel nods slowly, not sounding disappointed. "That's alright. Starting is often the hardest part.
I nod, making a mental note to buy a journal on my way home to start this habit. "I’ll definitely try that."
Dr. Nathaniel asks. "Do you think the stalker might have done it as some form of twisted protection or justice?"
I shiver at the thought, nodding slowly as confusion mixes with the fear. "Maybe. If he’s protecting me in some twisted way, that scares me even more because it means he’s invested in me on a personal level."
He explores further. "How does that idea make you feel? The possibility of him acting on your behalf without your knowledge or consent?"
I admit honestly, the words hard to say. "Scared but strangely intrigued. Like he wants me in a specific way, and that confuses everything I thought I knew about him and myself."
Dr. Nathaniel says reassuringly. "Complex emotions like that are okay to have and explore. We can unpack them over multiple sessions if needed to make sense of them and help you process."
The session stretches on, with me pouring out more emotions than I expected, the relief of being heard and validated easing the burden slightly but not erasing the underlying fear.
As the therapy ends, I feel lighter, like a significant weight has been lifted from my shoulders, though the fear still simmers beneath. "Thank you, Dr. Nathaniel. This helped more than I can express right now."
"You’re welcome." He says gently. "See you at our next scheduled session, but please call if you need to come in sooner for any reason or if things escalate."
I leave the office and head straight to work, the emotions from the session still raw but more manageable now that I have talked them through and gained some tools.
When I arrive, Hazel greets me at my desk with concern etched on her face. "Iris. Are you holding up okay?"
I force a smile. "I am holding up. Just dealing with some personal stuff."
Hazel nods with understanding. "If you need to talk about it or take a break at any point, let me know. Here are some files for today to keep you occupied and distracted if that helps."
I take them gratefully. "Thanks. I’ll get started right away."
I dive into the work, but soon notice Mike looking at me from across the room with that unsettling stare. His gaze makes unease settle in my stomach like a heavy stone, stirring up discomfort that I try to ignore but cannot fully shake because it feels too pointed and invasive.
‘Why is he watching me like that?’ I think to myself, glancing away quickly to avoid meeting his eyes and encouraging him.
I focus on the screen in front of me, but the unease lingers persistently, making it hard to concentrate fully on the article and adding to my anxiety.
During lunch, Sarah approaches my desk with a friendly smile that lifts my spirits a little. "Iris, a few of us are heading to the cafe down the street for lunch. Want to join us? It’d be nice to have you there."
Thankfulness warms me deeply because it means not everyone is treating me differently. "Sure, Sarah. I’d love to join."
In the cafe, we sit at a large table. The group chats casually about work and weekend plans, the normalcy helping to ease some of my tension. "How's your latest article coming along?" Sarah asks me with genuine interest.
I smile. "It’s going well. A bit challenging with the details, but interesting to piece together and research."
Tom joins in from across the table. "Crime stuff is always intense. Glad you are handling it so well."
Suddenly Mike arrives and sits right beside me, his chair scraping closer than necessary, which immediately stirs discomfort inside me like a warning bell. "Mind if I squeeze in here next to you, Iris? The other seats are taken."
I shift uncomfortably in my seat but nod politely to avoid a scene.
He gets cozy immediately, his hand brushing my thigh "accidentally" under the table as he adjusts his position, sending a wave of unease through me. "Sorry about that." He says with a grin that feels insincere and calculated.
It happens again moments later, his elbow grazing my chest as he reaches across for the menu on the table, the contact making panic build in my chest. "Oops, my bad." He laughs casually, as if it was nothing intentional.
I jolt up from my seat abruptly, my heart racing with unease and a surge of fear that makes my hands shake. "I just remembered I have some work left to finish back at the office. Hazel will have my head for it."
Sarah looks concerned, her brow furrowing with worry. "You okay, Iris? You look upset."
I nod quickly, forcing a smile that feels strained. "Yeah, I’m fine. Just need to get back and wrap things up. See you all back there soon."
I hurry out of the cafe, the discomfort lingering like a bad taste in my mouth that I cannot shake, leaving me feeling violated and angry.
Back in the office, I sit at my desk and take out a notepad I bought after visiting Dr. Nathaniel, starting to write about what Mike did.
I start it with the rumors then his inappropriate touches in the cafe that made me feel unsafe and objectified. Anger and fear pour out onto the page, the words helping to release some of the pent-up emotions that have been building inside me.
I take deep breaths as Dr. Nathaniel suggested, inhaling for four counts slowly, holding for four counts, exhaling for six counts gradually. Calmness settles slowly over me, the exercise helping to relax my tensed muscles and clear my mind a bit from the immediate panic.
I feel a little more in control now, the emotions less overwhelming and chaotic, allowing me to think more clearly.
I go to Hazel's desk, gathering my courage to ask for what I need. "Hazel, can I take tomorrow off? I need a day to recharge and sort through some personal things that have been weighing on me."
Hazel agrees without hesitation, her expression kind and understanding. "Of course. Iris. Rest up and come back refreshed."
I thank her sincerely, relief washing over me. "I appreciate it more than you know."
I finish the rest of the day at work, pushing through the lingering emotions, and head home, relieved that there is no sight of the stalker following me this time.
Anxiety still clings to me, making my eyes search every shadow along the way, but for the first time in days, the feeling of being watched isn’t there.
No weight pressing between my shoulder blades. No sense of eyes prying from the dark corners or tracking my every step.