Chapter 46
For once,I wake before Damon. The room we’re in is pitch black. His arms wrapped around my torso, he holds me tightly, so tightly I fight the urge to pee to lie next to him a little while longer. I feel his soft breath against the back of my neck while Brinkley’s heart beats against my feet. Given what all happened yesterday, it doesn’t seem possible to smile, but I do. It’s fleeting, just like the danger we faced, because even though this moment feels normal, yesterday revealed to me how quickly things can change and how easily I can be ripped away from my little bubble of happiness and love. Recognizing that is the scariest thing of all. And I don’t know how I’ll ever truly shake this fear. Maybe I’m not meant to. But I also don’t want to live in it. I guess I just have to figure out a way not to.
Quietly, I scooch out of bed and fumble in the darkness for my phone. I find it on the bedside table, along with some water and medicine I’m meant to take. With it and the water and pills in tow, I use the flashlight feature to guide me to the en suite. Brinkley hops off the bed and follows behind me, per usual. As I reach the bathroom and flip on the light switch, both of us are stunned by the bright light that beams from the antique bronze fixture and my reflection in the black-framed mirror before me. My reflection makes me crave the darkness in more ways than one. Perhaps I could live in it until— But I know healing doesn’t work that way. Processing the deaths of my parents taught me as much.
I set the things filling my hands on the countertop to touch my cheek and then my lip. The pain has subsided and the split of my lip is drastically better than it was yesterday, but there is still a lot of bruising on my pale skin. I avert my eyes then, take my medication, and follow that up with the salve waiting on the marble countertop. I read the instructions on how to apply the jellylike substance and do so. While I’m at it, I slip off my pants and apply a little to my knees and shins where I find small cuts and scrapes from the glass and rough concrete. It instantly makes them feel better. So does relieving myself after being pumped full of fluids.
I remain on the toilet a bit longer than I need to, thinking, resting, taking it all in until my mind becomes too overwhelmed to think at all. I stand, wipe, wash my hands, and return my eyes to my reflection once more. I’m tempted to take off my baggy clothes and examine myself closely. But I don’t. Even though I know I can’t avoid what happened, I want as few mental reminders of last night as possible. When my scars and bruising fades, hopefully so too will the most painful of memories. Until then, I think it might be best to avoid mirrors and people and distract myself with something happy. Happy? Like a wedding? I shake my head. I’m deflecting. And how can I picture myself wearing a wedding dress when I look like this? But you won’t always look like this, Anastasia. As the thought comes to me, I hope it’s also true that I won’t always feel like this. “I won’t always feel like this,” I tell myself. It’s a lie I’ll repeat until it’s the truth.
It’s then that I notice the ring on my finger. It was hidden by the long sleeve of Damon’s shirt and I suppose I’m too out of it to notice the unfamiliar sensation on my left hand. Then again, maybe I didn’t notice because it was always meant to be there, just like I’m meant to be here, even if here is hard right now.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Damon asks then. I jump at the sudden intrusion and pinch my eyes closed. “Oh, sorry. I should’ve knocked or something.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” I say, turning to face him. “I’m thankful for the interruption. Keeping my mind occupied and my eyes away from the mirror is probably best right now. Although this, this is certainly a worthy distraction.” I hold up my hand to show off my ring.
Damon smiles and extends his hand. I take it. Gently, he pulls me closer to him and I step into his embrace, placing my hands on his chest. He looks at me and says, “It was my mother’s. I hope it’s to your liking. If not, I can always make up for it with the wedding band, anniversary gift, birthday gift, you name it.”
“I love it,” I assure him. “The rubies are a nice touch—different, beautiful, fiery, strong. All things I aim to embody, even though I don’t feel so in touch with those parts of myself right now.” I lower my eyes and they gloss over as my lips fall into a flat line.
“Hey,” Damon says, doing his best to pull me back to him and out of my thoughts. “You are beautiful, Anastasia. Beautiful, different, fiery, strong, relentless, passionate, intelligent, and so many other things. In every moment, the happy and the tragic, you are everything. But if it makes you feel better, know that this moment will pass. And, with the help of Dr. R, it’ll pass sooner than you think.”
“I hope so.” Once more, I lift my eyes to meet his gaze. Damon leans down and offers me a kiss but he waits for me to take it. I can sense how nervous he is. He’s unsure of how to handle me, what to say, what to do. Even though he’s doing an amazing job, he doesn’t want to hurt me or make me feel uncomfortable or trigger me. Little does he know, he’s the one person who makes me feel calm, the one person who makes me feel safe, the one person who gives me hope. “I love you,” I whisper. At that, his lips draw up into a smile.
“I love you too.” He kisses me again, gently yet passionately. “Now, are you hungry? There’s a really nice spread downstairs. Though, fair warning, a few of the guys from last night are still here.”
“Guys?” I ask, my brows crinkled.
“The ones I work with,” Damon clarifies. “The ones who helped rescue you. It was really late after the debrief and there’s plenty of rooms here so… But I understand if you don’t want to see anyone. I can just bring you up a plate?—”
“No, no, it’s fine. If I stay cooped up in this room—or any room, for that matter—I don’t know where my mind will take me. I should try to eat, or at least try to act like I’m alive.”
Damon nods. “And who said you weren’t strong?”
He wraps his arm around me and I grab Brinkley, snuggling him close to my chest. The two of them are my safety nets as we step outside the bedroom door onto a balcony with a railing made of intricate ironwork. Jeez, this place is huge. There’s a large courtyard down below. It’s full of the sounds of male chatter, the soft trickle of water from the gorgeous fountain in the middle, and the enticing aroma of a brunch spread like I’ve never seen. It smells so good, I might actually work up an appetite by the time we make it downstairs.
“What is this place again?” I ask as we maneuver down the iron staircase.
“It’s our place of business mostly, but also my place of residence and a place to stay for any of the men of BB who don’t have other accommodations. It’s also fortified with bulletproof glass, security cameras out of this world, and all the weapons needed to keep you safe. Not to mention, no one gets in who doesn’t belong here. It’s why I brought you here last night instead of your place. I wanted you to feel as safe as possible. Plus, we have plenty of medical supplies.”
I lean my head into Damon’s chest to show my appreciation. When we reach the end of the stairwell, the sounds filling the echoey space quieten. I meet the eyes of several men whose names I don’t know and yet they risked their lives for me. I know I should say thank you, but I don’t think I can without crying. So, instead, I just nod my head and try to muster a smile for them. They smile and nod then go about their conversations. I take a deep breath, feeling a bit more at ease without their eyes on me, when one comes up to Damon and me.
He seems a bit older than the rest and introduces himself as Gio. He has kind eyes and a gentle demeanor about him. Though something tells me he could kill a man in a matter of seconds and probably did just last night. He hands Damon and me each a plate, points us in the direction of the large wooden table covered with food, and offers to take Brinkley out for a potty break while we serve our plates. I look to Damon, surprised this stranger knows Brinkley’s name. But it’s clear Gio isn’t a stranger at all. “Thank you,” I say, handing Brink off to him. I know I should be the one to take him out, but I’m not ready to step outside the safety of this fortress yet. Nor am I ready for Damon to leave my side, even if it’s just for a moment. This is something I weirdly think Gio understands.
“Come on, let me get some food in you before Brinkley comes back and eats half your plate,” Damon says, moving us toward the brunch spread.
“Be nice,” I scold him. “Besides, he’s your son now too. So he’ll expect you to share as well.”
“He will? Or you will?” Damon asks, cocking his eyebrow. “Besides, if we both feed him, he’ll be thirty pounds and in a damn doggy wheelchair.”
“Well, as long as it’s Chanel or Louis Vuitton, he would have nothing less.” At that, Damon and I share a smile, one that lasts a little longer than the previous one. It’s nice, normal—hopeful.