Chapter 28
The restaurant was called Maré and it sat at the end of the town’s waterfront, perched on a terrace above the rocks where the harbour opened onto the open ocean.
Helena’s family had been eating here since before she was born and the owner, Jorge, had known Helena since before she could talk.
When he saw Helena walk in he came around the bar and hugged her like a long-lost friend.
“Helena! Minha querida!” He held her at arm’s length, grinning. “It’s been months,” he continued in Portuguese, “I was wondering if you’d ever come back. Your parents tell me you’re busy with work?”
“I could never stay away for too long,” she replied, before switching to English. “Jorge, this is my friend Caitlin. She’s visiting from America.”
Jorge turned his attention to Caitlin and his grin widened. He kissed her on both cheeks and said, with a heavy accent, “Welcome. Helena’s friend is my friend. We must celebrate, I’ll bring wine.”
When they were seated on the terrace Caitlin leaned across the table and whispered, “What are we celebrating?”
Helena grinned. “With Jorge, life.” She shrugged.
“I know you know your wine,” she added, acutely conscious that Caitlin had told her a turning point with Zoe was when she had punished Caitlin for ordering the wine for them, “and anywhere else we go I’d love for you to be the one who orders, but here, when Jorge says he’ll bring wine, it’s a gesture.
And the house white is perfect with the food anyway. ”
An understanding smile twitched across Caitlin’s lips. “Completely understood.”
“I said we didn’t need to dress up,” Helena said, with a nod towards the other tables on the terrace.
“You said it was the best restaurant on the coast. I wasn’t going to go to the best restaurant on the coast in flip-flops.
” Caitlin had changed into a white, loose dress which, with only the necklace as jewellery, looked incredible.
Caitlin knew it, too, which only made her even more deeply attractive.
They ate well. The menu was seafood caught that morning by, Jorge claimed, his cousin’s boat, and as usual it was all very good.
They shared two dishes because Helena wanted Caitlin to try both the grilled prawns and the octopus salad.
Caitlin ate with the appetite of someone who’d spent the day swimming, lying in the sun, and working up an appetite from what they did in the ocean and at the pool house later on.
“These prawns,” Caitlin said, closing her eyes and making a noise that Helena had heard her make several times already that day. “Helena.” She opened her eyes again and shook her head. “These prawns.”
“Good, right?”
“I’m going to leave you for Jorge’s cousin.”
“I’ll let Jorge know. His cousin’s wife might be disappointed.”
Caitlin grinned. “She’d cope.”
The conversation started out light and easy, but it shifted when the second carafe of wine appeared.
“Can I ask you something?” Caitlin said, putting her glass down.
“Anything.”
“What do you need from our relationship? I can call it that, can’t I?
” Helena nodded and Caitlin continued. “Good. It feels fast but it feels right. But my question, I don’t mean the dominant-submissive thing…
that’s a given and I love it. It’s a huge part of it.
I mean the rest though. What do you need from a partner? From someone you’re with?”
Helena looked at her across the table and reached across to take Caitlin’s hand in hers. The candlelight did something unbelievable to Caitlin’s features… her dark eyes seemed deeper somehow. Helena could get lost in them, easily.
“Honesty,” she said eventually.
“Honesty?”
“Honesty. That comes first. I need someone I know will tell me the truth, even when it’s difficult. I’ve had relationships where people told me what they thought I wanted to hear and it’s a quick fix when really it corrodes everything.”
Caitlin nodded slowly. “What else?”
“A partner, not a project. Someone who has their own life, their own ambitions, their own identity. I need to be with someone I respect, someone whose strength matches mine.” She paused, thinking. “And I need someone who can see when I need to let go. That’s harder to explain.”
“Try. I’d like to understand.”
“We’ve touched on it before, but being dominant is…
it takes energy. Constant attention, constant calibration.
Reading someone, holding their trust, being responsible for their pleasure and their safety.
I love it, it’s who I am, but it’s exhausting sometimes.
And I need a partner who understands that.
Who can see when I’m tired, when I need to stop being in charge, when I need to kneel for them instead.
” Helena looked at the ocean. The dark waves caught the lights from the restaurant.
“Juliana gave me that sometimes. The switching. But that was different because she became the dominant all the time. She wasn’t the same as having a partner who does it because they know me, because they can feel when I need it and do it without needing to check with me first.”
Caitlin was quiet for a moment. “How can I give you that?”
“Sunday night you did. That was perfect. The way you took the initiative and…” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “…and totally claimed me. It was amazing and exactly what I needed. You didn’t do it because I asked, you did it because you sensed I needed it. That’s what I’m talking about.”
“I did sense it. You’d been in charge all day, and it was incredible. But that night, lying there, I could feel how tightly wound you still were. I thought: she needs to let go. And I wanted to be the one to help you.”
“That’s exactly it. That’s what I need. But one thing…”
“Anything.” Caitlin was watching her intently.
“It doesn’t just have to be in bed. It can be any time. You can decide it’s time and we switch.”
“How do you mean?”
“Like, we could be in a shop or out for dinner, and if you see that I need it you should do it. And I’ll obey. Instantly.”
“Your philosophy,” Caitlin replied. “That me as the submissive is the true dominant.”
Helena grinned and raised her glass to Caitlin. “You’ve been paying attention.”
Caitlin raised her glass too. “I can do that. Definitely. Not often, of course, but when I do I will.”
“Perfeita.” Helena looked at Caitlin. “Your turn. What do you need?”
Caitlin’s thumb moved absentmindedly across Helena’s knuckles as she thought.
“I need to be seen. All of me, not just the highly competent version that the world sees. I spent years building this persona as the force of nature and it worked, professionally at least. I thought that that was all that I needed… be the strong one, the reliable one, the one who never breaks.” She shook her head.
“You showed me how exhausted I was, and how alive I could feel breaking free.”
“The whole of you is magnificent, Caitlin. I spent weeks working for you knowing that. I wish more people could see how amazing you really are.”
“I need someone who values me, too. Not tolerates me or indulges me or spoils me… values me. Zoe saw the submissive in me and wanted to own it. She wanted to control everything. You see the submissive in me and want to cherish it. That’s different.”
“It’s very different.”
“I need my independence. I need my partner to trust me to live my own life, to be someone who doesn’t need to control my schedule or my friendships or my career. Who gives me structure when I want it and freedom when I need it.”
“I could never take your independence. Your independence is something that is so attractive about you.”
“Really? You think?”
“Absolutely.”
Caitlin smiled. “One other thing… I need warmth. I didn’t know that about myself until recently.
I got all the warmth I could want from Zoe when she was happy with me, but when she was unhappy she was ice cold.
I thought when I was seeing her that I needed intensity, that I needed to be overwhelmed, because that first experience I had of submission with you in Houston was so intense that I thought that was all there is to it.
But what I actually need is warmth. Laughter.
Someone who ties me up and spanks me and makes me climax harder than I ever have in my life, and then makes me laugh about making dinner together ten minutes later. ”
Helena laughed. “I can do laughing about making dinner.”
“You can do all of it.” Caitlin’s expression was serious beneath her smile.
“Everything I just described, you do it naturally. You might make me do it naked while you’re clothed, granted…
that’s so, so hot by the way… but you see me, you give me independence, you cherish the parts of me that other people don’t even know exist. And you’re warm.
” She squeezed Helena’s hand. “Nobody has ever been as warm with me as you are.”
“I want to be warmer.”
“Then be warmer.” Caitlin held her gaze. “I’m not going anywhere.”
They sat in silence for a long few moments, the conversation they’d just had settling over them. It just got serious, Helena thought, and in a very good way. I knew I was in this for the long haul, but I know she is too. Whatever we have to do, however we do it, she’s worth it.
Jorge appeared to clear their plates and offer a digestif, which they declined, and then they were alone again at their table on the terrace with the ocean and the candle.
Helena paid, over Caitlin’s protests, and they walked out of the restaurant into the warm night. The town was quieter now, the bars closing. A few couples walked along the waterfront. The moon was up, nearly full, painting a silver path across the ocean.
“Beach?” Helena suggested.
“Absolutely beach.”
They took off their shoes and walked hand-in-hand along the sand just below the tide line, letting the waves wash around their feet. The moon was bright enough to walk by and the beach was empty so that, as they left the town behind, it felt like they were the only people in the world.
“I’m glad you’re here,” Helena said. “I’m glad you came. I’m glad you’re in my life.”
Caitlin looked at her with eyes that were bright in the moonlight and said, “I know. I’m glad too.” She hesitated and Helena gave her time. Eventually, she added, “I owe you a proper apology too.”
“An apology? Whatever for?”
“For all those months. I should have been in touch sooner. I knew, all along, even when I was convincing myself that me and Zoe were the real deal, that it was you.”
“There’s no apology needed.” Helena leaned in closer so that their shoulders were touching. “None at all. You had to discover what you wanted. You simply did what we agreed when I left Houston.”
“But I kept you waiting for me.”
Helena shrugged. “I kept myself busy.”
Caitlin looked at her and grinned. “I suppose so. Still, I’m sorry. I wish I’d come to you sooner rather than waiting until Miami.”
“Apology accepted, even though none was needed. We’re here now, together. That’s all that matters.”
They walked on until they could see the gate to the beach house through the trees.
“Wait,” Helena said, stopping and turning to face Caitlin.
“What?” Caitlin was looking at her with the half-amused, half-excited expression that signified she’d guessed something might be about to happen.
“Do you want to play, Gatinha?”
Helena swore she saw Caitlin blush in the moonlight. “Yes, Minha Dona. Very much.”
“Good.” Helena looked around her at the empty beach. “There’s nobody here.”
“And…?”
“And I seem to recall my overenthusiastic kitten felt playful this afternoon, didn’t you? When you forgot to put your bikini on?”
Caitlin laughed quietly. “I didn’t forget. It was very, very deliberate.” She looked around herself. “And also, as I now know, very, very illegal.”
“Would it be illegal if nobody but us can see?”
Caitlin tilted her head to the side, lips pursed, but Helena could see the brightness in her eyes that told her she was amused.
Then, saying nothing more, Caitlin leaned down and unfastened her sandals.
When she straightened up again her fingers went to the buttons on her dress, unfastening each one slowly, her eyes locked on Helena’s.
When the dress was loose she let it fall, before she took off her lingerie, leaving all of her clothes in a pile on the beach.
“I certainly hope not,” Caitlin said, playing innocent. She toyed idly with the necklace.
“Oh Gatinha, you’re too perfect.” Helena leaned down to scoop up Caitlin’s discarded clothes. Holding out her free hand, she took Caitlin’s hand in hers. “Come on… I don’t have all my toys with me, but I’ve got enough to show you just how perfect I think you are.”