26. Hollywood
26
HOLLYWOOD
“L ook at your sorry ass,” Trojan said, giving me one of his killer smiles. “Don’t tell me you got shot again.”
I laughed and nudged him with my shoulder. “Fourth time’s a charm, or whatever they say.”
My brother shook his head, his long chestnut hair glimmering in the dreamy sunlight. The sounds of bird, crickets, and cicadas sang from the trees on either side, accenting the calming rush of water over the rocks in the river in front of us. He held a fishing pole in one hand and a beer in the other, and all of it felt so damned familiar.
We’re in a memory.
He’d taken me here during the weekends when things got tough, when it was just him and me trying to take on the world. I couldn’t count the hours we’d spent in this exact spot.
“Is this real?” I asked. “You’re dead, aren’t you?”
Trojan shrugged and reeled in the line. “Who the fuck knows what’s real anymore?”
“Am I dead?” A strange relief eased in my chest at the question, as if it might be okay with me if I was, as if being dead would ease the burden of being alive. At least I’d get to stay with my brother. At least we’d be together while we waited for our other family to join us.
“I don’t think so,” Trojan said. “I’m pretty sure you’re dreaming.”
“Oh.” I took a sip of my dream-beer and grabbed my dream-fishing pole to check on my own dream-line.
“How ya doing, Matty?” Trojan reached across the bench to grab my shoulder, giving it a fraternal squeeze. “You taking care of everyone?”
“I’m trying,” I said. “But it’s fucking hard.”
He barked out a laugh and nodded, resetting his line before casting it back out into the river. “No one ever said life was going to be easy.”
“I’ve got a girl now,” I told him, grinning as I thought of V and how much I cared for her. I could only pray she felt the same way for me, too—that when she thought of our love, she swelled with the same sort of heat and pride. I’d make things right as soon as I woke up. I had to. “It’s Verona.”
Trojan widened his smile, flashing the same dimples we’d both inherited from our mother. “I always knew there was something special between you two.”
“She makes me happy,” I told him. “Hey, if I’m here with you, where is everyone else?”
Again, Trojan shrugged. “Don’t know. But it’s peaceful here, isn’t it?”
I nodded, letting my dream-self indulge in the symphony of that summer by the river.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” I said, suddenly remembering the reason why I’d been knocked out so cold I was imagining the ghost of my dead brother. “Did we lose a lot of people?”
Trojan hummed to himself and nodded. “It’s bad. But it’ll get better.”
I turned to face him, all the things I’d always wanted to tell him bubbling up in my chest. “I’m sorry this happened to you,” I said, my eyes burning as I choked out a sob. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to save you. I’m sorry, I—I’m sorry I let Marissa run off. I haven’t talked to her. She won’t take my calls. I can try harder.” The words were pouring from me faster than I could stop them. I had to get it all out, even if this was fake, even if this was in my head, I needed him to know. “I miss you so much, every day. I love you, brother, and I’m so sorry.”
Trojan didn’t say anything for a moment, just let me blubber the things I needed to get out. Once I caught my breath and wiped away the tears, Trojan bumped my shoulder with his again, drawing my attention back to his familiar friendly features, ones I’d been staring into ever since I was a baby.
“I know that,” he said. “You don’t need to say it. You don’t need to carry it anymore.”
“I feel it every day.” I shook my head, taking another long sip of beer to clear the choking in my throat. “It should have been me. I should have died instead of you. They needed you more, the Roses need?—”
“You shut the fuck up right now,” he said. “If it shoulda been you, it woulda been you. But it wasn’t. It was me, and you need to come to terms with that.”
I winced like he’d slugged me in the gut. “What if I can’t?”
Trojan made an amused sigh, shaking his head like he used to do when I’d fucked up at school over something stupid. “Still that same boneheaded idiot, aren’t you?”
I narrowed my eyes, shocked he’d used whatever spiritual/memory/hallucination this was to insult me.
“You’ve got a good woman now, someone who loves you more than anything else in this world. Your job is protecting her, protecting the club. If you’re so dispensable, she wouldn’t have given you the time of day and you fucking know it.” Trojan wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer as I broke down from his words, the proverbial father figure consoling his son. Given the relationship Trojan and I had growing up, that wasn’t too far from the truth. “And I better never hear you say you shoulda died again. I swear to God, Matty, I’ll come back from the dead and kick your ass myself. Enough of this heroic martyr shit. You hear me? Enough now.”
I nodded and sat upright, taking a deep breath to calm the sobs before I wiped my eyes. “Enough now.”
“Hmm.” He reeled his line in again before throwing it back out to the water. “It really is peaceful here, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I repeated. “Yeah, it is.”
“Don’t worry about Marissa,” Trojan said. “I’m watching out for her. You worry about you and Verona. You worry about taking care of Mom. And when the time is right”—he set his stare on me again—“ really right, I’ll be here, waiting for you, little brother.”
“You promise?” I didn’t know why, but the thought of knowing Trojan still had my back, still loved me, still protected me, even if this was a hallucination, it made going back to the land of the living that much easier.
“I promise.”
I sniffed and cleared my throat, drinking down the last of my beer in blissful silence. Something tugged at my line, just a small nibble at first but gradually becoming more feisty, and that too was from my memory.
“Oh shit,” Trojan said, pushing to his feet so he could help me with the pole. “You got one.”
“I got one!” I shouted, rising to reel it back in. “I got it! I got it!” The words were still on my lips when I opened my eyes to a dark, blurry room with loud beeps in the background and a warm body next to me. Everything hurt—my ribs, my head, my legs. I couldn’t move, and when I tried, my companion stirred and sat upright.
“Hollywood?” came V’s soft voice as she lifted her head from the pillow next to me, peering down at me with those big violet eyes.
“I got it, V,” I told her, certain she would understand. “I got the fish.”
“Let me get the doctors,” she said, furrowing her brows.
“No.” I tightened my fingers around her hand in mine, hoping to keep her close. “No, stay with me.”
“Okay,” she said, relaxing again. “How are you feeling?”
I winced and swallowed against a dry sandpaper throat. “Is there water?”
She reached for the cup on the table next to the bed and held a straw to my lips, letting me have barely a sip before she pulled it away again.
“I’m not sure if you’re supposed to have any,” she said, running her fingers over my face. “I love you, Hollywood. You scared the shit out of me.”
“I love you,” I tried to say. “I’m sorry.”
“Me, too,” she said. “About what I said before you left. I was scared. I do trust you. I do. And I want everyone to know you’re mine. I want everyone to know how much we care about each other. I can’t stand the thought of losing you. Ever.”
I smiled, despite how drugged up I was and how hard my heart pounded. “Good.”
“Don’t almost die again,” she said. “You hear me? You’re not allowed to leave me. You and I are going to die at the same time, you understand? And not a fucking minute sooner.”
“That’s really fucking deep,” I said, pleased as warmth spread through me that had nothing to do with the morphine drip. That’s my fucking girl. Yeah, she was dark and gothy and would rather hiss at strangers than spark up a conversation, but I loved that about her. I loved everything about her, and I always fucking would. “I want you to be my old lady. Would you ride on the back of my bike?”
She leaned in to kiss me, delicately tracing her lips over my face before murmuring a quiet, “I’d ride with you anywhere, pretty boy.”
It was with her affection and adoration warming my heart that I fell back asleep. I didn’t dream of Trojan that time, and when I woke again, KC and Bear were on either side of my bed, talking over me like I wouldn’t hear it. Bear stood, but KC had been relegated to a wheelchair.
“Berkshire says the charges are heavy. The judge is unlikely to set a bail,” Bear said. “Dad’s stuck there until we can figure out a way out of this.”
“If there even is a way out,” KC said, shaking his head. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“What happened?” I groaned, blinking my eyes open.
“Hey, there he is,” KC said, giving me a small grin. “You look like shit, but I’m glad you’re talking.”
“How do you feel?” Bear ran his hands back through his hair, but I noticed the dark, heavy bags under his eyes and the strain around his lips.
“You look like fresh, rotten hell,” I said. “What’s going on?”
“Don’t worry about that right now,” KC said, wheeling himself back as a team of doctors and nurses came in to check on my progress. They mumbled a bunch of medical shit I’d heard before. The bullets went clean through my chest and out the other side. I had a collapsed lung when they brought me in, not to mention the internal bleeding, but they managed to clear all that up. They wanted me out of bed and walking around to ensure I didn’t get clots, but as long as things held steady, I could go home tomorrow.
The nurse promised to return with the walker to help me do a lap, but after they left, I returned my attention to my brothers.
“Where’s V?” I asked. “Where’s Crow?”
Bear sighed and shook his head. “The Feds raided the clubhouse. The place is a fucking clusterfuck. We lost a lot of people when the Caputis attacked us. Slip, Coins, Picasso, just to name a few.”
“V’s making funeral arrangements,” KC added. “She’ll be back as soon as she can.”
“She hasn’t left your side, brother,” Bear said. “She really cares about you.”
“I love her,” I said. “I want to marry her.”
“Goddamn, how long has this been going on?” KC’s eyes darted from me to Bear and back again.
“Three weeks,” I grumbled. “Since the auction.” Fuck, that reminded me I hadn’t even had the chance to take her on a proper date yet. Some boyfriend I was.
“Must be the pain meds talking.” Bear snorted. “Let’s talk marriage once you’re sober, huh?”
I shook my head. Even though they’d been pumping the good stuff through my IV, I knew it in my bones. V was it for me, and no matter what they said, that would never change.