Chapter 1 #2
The morning after the Astley ball, he had come to accept that he was at a crossroads.
He could either embark on the path to becoming a better man or resign himself to becoming a grotesque caricature of the late earl.
The realization that he was well on his way to emulating his father—a man whose selfishness and irresponsibility had led Richard’s mother to an untimely death—was the prod he needed to reevaluate his life.
Who did he want to be? What legacy did he wish to leave behind?
In the past two days, he had finally acknowledged the pain he had caused his longtime friend and former betrothed, Annabel.
His cavalier treatment of her feelings and his rakish pursuits had wounded her deeply.
Despite the shame of his actions, Richard now felt a sense of gratitude that his cousin, Philip, had stepped in to marry Annabel in his stead.
At the time, Richard had railed against Philip, but now he saw the truth: his cousin had been a true gentleman, doing what was best for Annabel.
She deserved a real marriage—a partnership built on respect and honor.
Richard knew he would not have changed his ways to be worthy of her, and he was grateful she had found the life she deserved.
He resolved to make changes in his life and become a man worthy of the title gentleman—a man his mother would be proud of.
With this newfound determination, he had already begun making adjustments, though he knew there was much careless behavior to atone for.
He could only hope it was not too late to change his course and become a better man.
He also hoped it was not too late to earn the regard of a woman of substance.
Miss Sophia Hayward, with her cutting remarks and sharp wit, was never far from his thoughts.
Her forthrightness, when unobserved by society, reminded him of the easy honesty he had once shared with Annabel—before he had ruined their friendship.
No one had ever delivered such an unvarnished dose of truth to him.
Of course, Miss Hayward was unaware of the impact her words had made, but her determined spirit and intelligence had left an indelible mark on him.
If he could convince her to trust him enough to reveal her true self, perhaps there might be a chance for something more. The thought of seeing the intriguing young lady again that evening lingered in his mind, though hours still stretched before him.
In the meantime, he had work to do. He would meet with his man of business to put certain inquiries into motion.
It was time to ensure there were no lingering consequences of his past choices—choices he had once thought harmless but now viewed with remorse.
Though he had always been careful to avoid fathering a child, the mere possibility gnawed at him.
Regardless of what his inquiries revealed, he owed apologies—and in some cases, financial recompense—to those he had wronged along the way. It was a daunting task, but one he was determined to face, step by step.
Before his meeting, Richard rang for his butler in his study.
When Radcliffe arrived, Richard handed him a list of two housemaids with whom he had behaved improperly—a fact he acknowledged with deep regret.
Both young women had been flirtatious at the time, and he, succumbing to his own weaknesses, had not acted as a gentleman should.
He informed Radcliffe that each would receive a handsome sum to ensure their financial comfort and instructed the butler to locate suitable new positions for them, if they so wished.
The hawkish butler would bring the girls to him one at a time so he could meet with them to that end.
His conscience demanded he take responsibility, and he knew he must clean house if he was to embark on a new way of life.
Though Richard managed not to wince during the discussion, Radcliffe betrayed no reaction—the impeccable English butler that he was.
Or perhaps he already knows about the girls.
For Richard, however, this was not merely about rectifying wrongs—it was about setting his life on a better course. His resolve to embrace a more honorable way of life required a fresh start. Though he maintained a calm exterior, discussing the matter brought an unmistakable sting of shame.
He reminded himself that facing these truths was necessary if he was to become the man he aspired to be. He intended to go courting in an honorable manner, and it would not do to have his past temptations dusting the banisters, reminding him he did not deserve this second chance he sought.
Once he had met with the two maids and made arrangements, his man of business arrived for their meeting. This marked the fourth uncomfortable discussion of the day.
Richard sat at his desk, pensive, as he stared at the bottle-green wallpaper while waiting for Johnson to absorb his instructions.
Johnson, visibly disconcerted, stared at the list in his slender hand. A competent man integral to Richard’s financial success, Johnson looked inordinately like a banker, with his bulbous forehead, meticulous black hair, and close-shaven beard lining his narrow jaw.
They had worked together for years, yet Richard suddenly realized he knew nothing about Johnson’s personal life.
Did the man have a wife? Dependents? Richard had never inquired, assuming that women and men alike were eager to please him.
Johnson was more than willing to work long hours for a generous salary, but had Richard unwittingly stolen time from his family?
“My lord, respectfully, I will repeat my understanding of your instructions to ensure I am perfectly clear,” Johnson said.
Richard cleared his throat. “Go ahead,” he replied hoarsely, fidgeting with his cravat. Oddly, the cravat had felt perfectly tied earlier, but now it was a hangman’s noose squeezing his throat shut.
Johnson continued in a strained voice. “I am to seek, with the help of runners if necessary, four housemaids with whom you—ahem—indulged over the past several years. Two of these you do not recall by name, only by their descriptions and respective households. I am to establish their current circumstances and report back to you. We will then arrange meetings so that you may … apologize …”
Richard interjected smoothly. “I will meet with them discreetly to apologize for my past behavior and offer financial settlements to recompense them for my disrespectful advances. If any of them are in untenable circumstances, we will ascertain what improvements they desire and assist in securing them.”
Johnson looked aghast but managed to respond, “Then once these housemaids?—”
Richard interjected, “I do feel that if I ruined them, they would be the most immediately in need of assistance due to their lack of financial resources and connections.”
Johnson cleared his throat. “Indeed. Then I am to continue the investigation and locate a further eight widows in order to determine their current situations, along with any consequences from your past … acquaintanceships.”
“That is correct. I did not include courtesans or women whose paths were already set in a direction similar to my own when we … interacted, as I determined I was not the cause of their circumstances. That responsibility lay elsewhere. After all, the list must have a finite endpoint, don’t you think?
” Richard gave a hollow laugh, the sound devoid of true mirth.
Johnson echoed him with his own lifeless chuckle. “Yes, my lord. After all, an infinite list of amends would require infinite access to funds.”
Richard and Johnson both looked away, suddenly finding the furnishings in the room far more fascinating than the endless parade of women in Richard’s past. Redemption, it seemed, was proving to be as mortifying as Richard had anticipated when he first contemplated this restorative rite.
Earlier that morning, he had sought advice from his cousin, the Duke of Halmesbury.
Fortunately, he had not encountered Annabel during the visit.
Halmesbury had been visibly appalled by the scrawled list of paramours, though Richard had refrained from revealing any names.
The list had merely served as a prop to facilitate their discussion about taking responsibility for his actions.
Sharing the actual list, he thought wryly, would surely be the height of poor taste.
Richard shifted uncomfortably in his chair, his face warming as he recalled the meeting.
His cravat, which had felt perfectly fine earlier, now seemed unbearably tight.
Thankfully, the duke had given his wholehearted support and provided practical guidance on how to make amends in various situations.
The stilted silence in the room stretched on, threatening to deepen into something truly excruciating.
Taking a steadying breath, Richard broke the quiet. “I need regular reports, and, of course, you will let me know when there is a meeting I must attend.”
Johnson nodded, tucking the lists safely into his portfolio.
A sudden thought struck Richard. “Johnson, instead of taking my lists with you, copy them out for yourself and leave me the originals. I would not want something to happen to them and then be forced to make them again.” Clearing his throat, he added, with a faint attempt at a smile, “Please.”
Johnson’s eyes widened, momentarily startled. “Please?” he echoed, as though the word were foreign to his ears.
A fresh wave of shame swept over Richard. “Please,” he confirmed firmly.
Egads, how pompous must he have been in the past for Johnson to be astonished by such a rudimentary display of manners?
This restoration of honor business was proving to have endless ramifications for his peace of mind.
He could not decide whether he welcomed or resented his new awareness of how others perceived his behavior.
But it was imperative that his quest began in earnest before he attended Viscount Moreland’s ball that evening.