Chapter 17
CHAPTER 17
Tisera
I couldn’t rest, tired as I was. Daz’s revelation had left me stunned, with a mind too whirling and boggled to sleep. I rose and threw a shirt on, not bothering to change out of my leggings. I didn’t plan to go far.
Daz’s healing had left me feeling energized. Fatigue would set in again soon, but after the rest I’d had that afternoon, I felt good enough for a bit of a walk.
I left the cabin and my feet led me to the small, one-room hut next to the barn, where Shorine and Avela lived. Despite the late hour, I could see light through the windows and knocked lightly on the door.
Avela answered. As she did, a grumbling voice from within mumbled, “Talk outside.” Shorine must have been trying to rest.
Avela grabbed a light shawl and the small candle-lantern she’d had lit and slipped out.
“Mistress Tisera, I’m glad to see you well.” She looked a bit haggard and worn herself.
Some distant part of my memory — feverish and hazy as it had been — recalled seeing her as I’d stumbled down the lane and into the house.
“Did you… get Daz?” I asked softly, making that connection now. “Did you know where he was?”
She grimaced, clearly abashed. “I did, yes.” Which answered both questions. “He was so distraught when he left. He said he’d be at the Blue Goose for a few days. That he needed some time and space to think about things.” She looked at me directly then. “And by things , he meant you.”
Oh.
Avela and I sat on one of the benches under the trees beside the well. “Did you… know… how he felt?” I asked.
“Yes.” She sighed heavily.
“I…” I couldn’t quite make sense of this. “Aren’t you and he…? You spent so much time together in the garden and you’re a beautiful woman and… I just assumed he saw you that way and…”
She laughed a little. “I… was interested in him, yes, but he never felt the same for me. He’s always loved you. My charms were lost on him.”
“I find that very hard to believe.” Avela was the picture of womanly beauty: a perfect hour-glass figure, curved and full, with that gorgeous blond hair and golden eyes, like a sunrise.
“You may not think yourself attractive, but he’s completely taken with you,” she whispered, then drew a deep breath.
“He told me once how he sees you. He spoke of colors, of your deep reds and vibrant oranges. His mystical training gives him another way of seeing the world and through that, you are… truly a beautiful woman to him.”
“Huh,” I said, a bit distracted. Daz didn’t see the world quite like other people. He’d told me a bit about the colors and auras and stuff, but…
Slowly it sank in. He did… anything and everything for me. He cooked and cleaned, he tended the garden and occasionally helped with other chores around the grounds. I’d thought he was doing all that because that’s what interested him — and maybe it was — but I could see now, he was doing them for me as well.
And… it wasn’t like he wasn’t a handsome man. That bronzed skin and thick, dark hair. His soft, caramel-brown eyes, and a body, which was broad and tall. He was fit and strong, even if it wasn’t battle-trained strength. And the way he smiled at me: always so open and free and… loving. I’d thought it a fraternal love, but now…
“Oh…” I whispered.
“You can see it now, can’t you?”
“Yes.” I shook my head. “I’ve been so blind. I’ve been an idiot!”
“You’ve been distracted and not seeing him as he sees you, that is all. Now that you do… what will you do about it?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. I still didn’t truly believe he could love me like that. I didn’t believe anyone could love me like that.
Kel had been a lover, but those had been trying times, when the heat of our coupling had banished the darkness for a moment or two. Some of the other men in my troop had lain with each other to do the same thing. I’d just thought… we’d been like that… just another troopmate. He’d never really loved me.
I wasn’t built for love.
I was built for battle. That’s what I’d trained my entire life for. Other girls are taught ways to attract a man, to live with him and work with him and be with him. I was taught how to kill a man or protect him if he was on my side.
Avela laid a hand on my knee. I looked up at her, those golden eyes and her bounteous beauty. Why would any man wish to be with me instead of her?
“You still don’t think yourself worthy of love?” she asked softly. She had always been perceptive. “Not beautiful?”
“No,” I said plainly. “I don’t.”
“You need to take a long look at yourself in a looking glass someday,” Avela said. “There is a lot more to you than your work. You’re tall and proud, strong and sure. Some men like a woman who knows what she wants and is sure enough to go and get it.”
I was nearly certain that wasn’t the case, but I let her go on.
“Your features may not be as soft as some women, but you are far from unattractive.”
She moved a hand up to brush back some of my wild hair. “Some men like a bit of a wild look to their women.”
She gave a breathy laugh. “And though your cheeks and chin and nose are a bit… sharp, they are not unappealing.” She traced a finger down the side of my face. “Your lips are full, with a natural tinge of red, which many men find beautiful.” She flicked her finger off my chin. “And you are not portly, nor old. Your body is fit and you have enough of a bust for men to see you’re a woman… when you’re not in your armor, that is.”
I looked at Avela, curious. The way she spoke made me think she was fond of me.
She must have seen something in my look for she smiled broadly, with a hint of her own blush. “You know what I did before Shorine found me, yes?”
I did. Her life had not been easy at all. She’d been sold to a brothel by her parents as a child. She'd done other duties until she’d been old enough to bed a man, then she’d been put to work in the usual way. She had not been specific about her time at the brothel, but I could see it had left its marks upon her soul.
Then she’d caught the waning sickness, which had lingered within her and she’d not been able to see customers. Despite her beauty, she’d been a burden on the business and the mistress had cast her out into the streets. That’s when Shorine had found her and brought her in, nursing her back to health. Avela was one of the lucky few who had come through the waning sickness regaining full health.
She went on. “Well, not all of those who visited me… were men.”
Oh… That I had not known.
She smiled softly. “So… I have learned to see beauty in many faces.”
I shouldn’t have asked, but I was too curious now, “What… is it like? Were there any you were with who were good lovers? I… I’ve never…”
I’d only ever been with one man, Kel. And our couplings had been to push away our fears and sorrows, physical and immediate, hard and needful. I’d never been with a man in the way others were: soft and sensuous and loving.
She looked away. She didn’t like to talk about those days and I shouldn’t have asked.
I quickly said, “I’m sorry, you don’t?—”
“There were a few,” she whispered. “Men who had truly fallen for my charms, who brought me gifts and fawned over me.” She smiled faintly. “And… sometimes, one of the other girls would come to me. We’d… comfort each other. It was through her that I’d come to know… all the ways to be loved.”
She gazed off into the darkness, drawing long deep breaths before going on. “I don’t know if I loved any of them, but I could feel their love for me and that was… nice. The touch of a lover, of someone who seeks only to bring you pleasure can be very rewarding.”
She hesitated. “I… I could… teach you, if you wish?”
“No,” I said softly. “That is not your job here and I’d never ask it of you. I truly appreciate the offer, but…” I shrugged. “If a man ever does love me that way, than I’m assuming I’ll know.”
Avela laughed lightly. “Oh yes, you will.” She looked at me then. “Daz would love to show you.”
I smiled.
Curious, I brought to mind the image of Daz with his shirt off, round muscles on a lean frame. He had many handsome features, but… to think of Daz being with me as Kel had been… even if it was soft and loving… was still a little too weird.
But then… Maybe Kel was my problem.
Maybe I couldn’t imagine being with any other man because part of me was still stuck on the pain that Kel had put me through. I had fantasized a little about Leo, but a part of me had been terrified to approach him. And Daz… I didn’t know what I wanted from him, but… What he felt for me was far different than what Kel and I had shared.
Kel… hadn’t loved me. We’d had lust and heat and passion and need. Picturing myself with anyone else in the same way — which was all I’d ever known of sex — just seemed odd and awkward.
“Thank you, Avela,” I said and patted her knee. “I know what I need now.”
“If you ever need to talk about… anything, I’m here, mistress. You and Shorine have been an amazing blessing upon my life. I am happy to help any way I can.” She rose, nodded to me, and — taking her lantern — returned to her house.
I sat, lingering in the darkness.
I knew what I needed to do. I needed to face Kel and get rid of the stain he’d been — and still was — upon my life.
I rose and strode purposefully away, down the lane and across town. It was only much later that I realized three things: first, it was the middle of the night and Kel was probably asleep. Second, I was still in my padded-armor-leggings and must look a mess. Third, my fatigue would soon return.
I shrugged that off. It didn’t matter what time it was, nor what I looked like, I was going to have it out with Kel once and for all. And my determination gave me the energy to overcome my exhaustion as I marched off into the night.