Chapter 18
CHAPTER 18
Tisera
I knew the two men standing guard outside the Dragoons’ compound in the third ring of the city. “Harik, Beson.” I nodded to them. “I need to speak to Kel… now.”
I must have looked like quite the sight, and certainly my tone didn’t allow for any questioning. Perhaps the late hour also lent a bit of immediacy to my demand, I wouldn’t be coming now if it wasn’t important.
Harik nodded and slipped inside without a word.
Beson nodded to me. “Tisera. Long time.” Beson had never been one for long speeches.
I responded in kind. “It has.”
And that was the extent of our conversation.
Harik returned soon enough. “He’ll see you,” Harik said. As if he’d had a choice. “You know where his room is?”
“Did he take Drako’s old room or stay in his own?”
“He’s in his own room. Drako’s is empty.”
I nodded and strode into the compound. Harik closed the door behind me.
I made my way through dark and quiet corridors to Kel’s room. I didn’t know if he’d been up or if Harik had woken him, but faint light outlined the door. I didn’t knock, just went in.
Kel’s room may have been large compared to some of the other quarters in the barracks, but they were far from extravagant: a standard bed and large wardrobe, three stacked chests on one side of the room, the other side held a large desk. Kel sat behind the desk, a lantern flickering before him. He motioned to one of the three chairs in front of the desk.
“Tisera,” he said softly.
Interesting. He must have also sensed that I wouldn’t have come now if it wasn’t important. He’d used my full name, not Sera. He hadn’t tried to goad me.
I looked at the chair, but I couldn’t sit. Instead, I went and grabbed the back of it, leaning forward a little. “I’ve come for the truth, Kel.”
He raised a brow. “Which truth would that be?” he asked, his tone cool. I could see his perceptions shifting. He’d thought this was business but was becoming aware it wasn’t.
“I need to know, Kel, where did you go when you left Vestrea?” My throat constricted, my jaw tightened. “You… you left me and you never came back. You… What the fuck did you do? What was so important? Why did you leave me!” I couldn’t stop myself from shouting.
He blinked at the vehemence of my outburst, but his surprise only lasted a moment. Then his face turned hard.
“Is that what you think?” he said. His jaw twitched. “You thought…” He laughed, a harsh thing. “You thought I left you?”
“You did!”
He slammed his fist on the desk, then rose in a rush, leaning forward, looming and outraged.
I matched him stare for stare. I didn’t know why he was so upset.
“You’re the one who shacked up with Sergeant Tomas the instant I was gone!”
I blinked.
“Tomas?” That threw me. Yes, I’d had a single — not particularly rewarding — night with Tomas, but only after… “You’d been gone five days !”
“And that’s all it took for you to forget me!”
I blinked again.
This wasn’t going how I’d thought it would. I needed to take control.
Charging out from behind the chair, I circled around behind the desk, next to Kel. He was taller than me by a head, but that didn’t stop me from getting up in his face.
I spoke quickly, giving him no room to break in.
“No, Kel, you left. You said you had something you needed to do, and you’d be back, but you didn’t say how long. You didn’t say you’d be gone for one day or two, let alone months! I waited for you, first for hours, then one day, then another.”
A righteous wrath filled me as I railed at him. “You say five days like it was nothing, but it was an eternity ! Vestrea was an open wound. It was horrible. I needed you and you weren’t there!”
Feeling the need to do more than just shout. I punched him — not too hard — in the shoulder. It didn’t make me feel any better.
Tears leaked from my eyes as I tore more of those vicious memories from my soul and spoke them aloud.
“I’d been shredded by… by… you know what we went through! And I’d thought maybe our moments in the dark had meant something. But then you left and took my heart with you and never came back.”
Tears streamed over my cheeks, despite my desire to contain them.
“Yes, I had one less-than-satisfactory encounter with Tomas, but that was because I needed something from someone Kel. And. You. Weren’t. There!” I poked his chest hard with each word.
“Those five days felt like five lifetimes for me. The war may have been over, but I needed you more than ever and you’d run off, never to return! What the fuck, Kel? What the gods-damned bloody fuck was so important? Where did you go?”
His shoulders fell, the fight going out of him. He looked at me, mouth agape but with nothing to say.
Ha!
Yeah!
That was how this was supposed to go, none of this “You’re the one who shacked up with Tomas” shit.
“I’m sorry, Tisi,” he said softly, slowly, swallowing hard. “I… I didn’t know. I thought everything was good once the war was over. I… did want to be with you.” He turned away, ashamed.
Gods-damned right! He should be!
“You want to know where I went?” he asked, voice low.
“Yes!” I bit out, harsh and furious.
He whispered, “I went to ask your father for your hand in marriage before he died.”
I staggered back, as if I’d been gut-punched, followed by an upper-cut to my jaw. I reached out for the wall, but it was too far away and I fell, collapsing.
No…
Five days… Two days hard ride from Vestrea to Pearlia, one day here, then two days back.
No…
Kel turned back slowly. He continued in that soft voice.
“And I got back just in time to find you… in that tavern outside the city… with Tomas. I returned with your father’s blessing and found you…”
Oh… gods… no!
My mind whirled.
But confusion sparked my anger again. I surged to my feet.
“Why?” I shouted at him, voice hoarse and cracking. “Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me what you were doing, how long you’d be gone? I could have waited if I’d known… But instead. As far as I knew, you left and never came back! You abandoned me!”
His jaw tightened and he let out a harsh laugh, though it sounded a bit self-deprecating.
“We both failed each other, it seems.”
He fell back into his chair, heavy and tired. “All I had to do was tell you where I was going, and all you had to do was wait just a little longer. By Aestric and Assa! By all the gods we were so close and we… gods, we fucked it up royally.”
The fight left me as quickly as it had returned. I swallowed hard.
“So… you saw my father… before he died?” He’d been gone by the time I’d gotten back to Pearlia.
Kel nodded.
“He was weak, so far gone, it was… it wasn’t easy to see him like that.” Oddly, a flicker of a smile caught his lips. “But even through all that. When I asked him for your hand, he smiled and sat up and took my hand as if he was ten years younger and not on his deathbed.”
Kel’s gaze was distant, remembering. “He nodded and said it had always been his hope that you and I would unite. He gave his blessing and smiled and…” He sighed heavily. “I don’t know for certain, but… he seemed so at peace after that. I think it allowed him to let go and find the peace in Assa’s Arms he’d been seeking for years.”
I turned away to hide the new tears in my eyes.
One of the horrible parts of the waning sickness was how slowly it ate away at a person. My father had only begun suffering from it when the war had started six years ago, and it had taken him two full years to die…
…While I’d been away, fighting the war.
I’d not been there for him. It still ate at me after all this time. But Kel had seen my father and… and brought him some peace, which it seemed had allowed him to let go and pass on… but that also meant…
“You… if you had waited.” I choked back sobs at the pain searing my heart. “If you had stayed with me and we’d returned together… perhaps I’d have been able to see my father one last time.”
I shouldn’t blame Kel for my father’s death. But I’d come here to yell at him, to have things out once and for all, to get rid of all of the pent-up pain. And this was just another affliction I needed to express.
He sighed heavily. “You don’t know how many times I’ve wondered the same thing. I… I thought I was doing the right thing, but I messed everything up.” He sounded defeated.
Good.
I spun on Kel again, the pain of not being with my father when he passed a new fuel for my anger. My shouts now were nearly incoherent through tears and snot and a throat swollen with emotion.
“That’s right! You did! It’s all your fault Kel! It’s… How could you!” I wanted to keep going but the fatigue from Daz’s healing, which I’d been powering through, finally caught up to me. I stumbled, falling forward.
Kel was up in an instant and caught me. And when he did, those strong arms gathered me close to him and held me tight.
I hated him and loved him for it at the same time.
I pounded my fists against his chest and wept onto his shoulder, mumble-shouting meaningless words. The words didn’t matter, he just needed to know how I felt.
“I know,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry, Tisi.”
I stopped pounding on his chest and let myself melt into him, supported by him, held and warm and…
No…
No! I didn’t want to be comforted, not by him, not now.
I pushed away violently and almost fell back. This time I did manage to catch myself on the wall.
Gods, I was weak as a kitten. I shook my head slowly.
“No,” was all I managed to say, though I didn’t really know what that meant. I only knew I had done what I’d come to do, but this hadn’t gone how I’d imagined at all.
Knowing his side of the story only made things worse.
I rushed out as fast as my staggering legs would carry me, slamming the door behind me. I stumble-ran, wiping my tears on a sleeve, so very thankful no one else was about in these dark halls.
Kel didn’t follow.
Part of me was very glad.
Part of me broke a little more.
Gods, I was a mess. I’d come here to sort myself out and now I was a hundred times worse.
I’d hoped I would be able to face Daz after I’d talked to Kel. I’d hoped I could come to terms with Daz’s admission of love, but that, added to everything else, only made my emotional load all the heavier. I couldn’t deal with any of this!
I burst out from the compound, past Harik and Beson, and fled into the city.
I didn’t return home, I couldn’t, not yet.
I found a dark alley and alternated between heaving sobs and punching walls. Neither made me feel any better.