Chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
Kelric
I stared at the door for a while after Tisera had left.
I was…
Gods! I was as much a mess as she was.
I sat heavily in my chair behind the desk and stared at my hands, at anything, as long as I didn’t have to think.
Yet I couldn’t help but think.
What had I done?
Had it been me or her?
True, I hadn’t told her where I was going, but at the time… the war had been over and I’d thought she’d been well enough. She’d been my rock during the siege, nothing could break her. I hadn’t told her… because I’d wanted to surprise her… but gods, that was just idiotic! Why hadn’t I told her? Why hadn’t I just said, “I love you, Tisi, marry me, let’s go see your father before he dies.”
Why?
I didn’t have a good answer. I’d made a mistake, a massive mistake. I’d left her and I’d — in some ways — taken her father from her.
And though those five days had passed quickly for me — excited and riding hard, a plan in my head and love in my heart — I could see how five days might be an eternity of waiting if she didn’t know what she was waiting for.
Shit…
… But still… how could she have fucked Tomas?
I shuddered.
It had been petty of me, but as soon as my father had handed control of the Dragoons over to me, I’d given the man his walking papers. I couldn’t stand to be around him, let alone work with him.
But she’d only gone to Tomas because she’d needed someone. She’d wanted me, but I hadn’t been there. And apparently, he hadn’t been the best lover. I took some small solace in that.
But still…
How had I messed things up so badly?
By not communicating, that was how.
It was that simple.
I’d been excited and — for some unknown reason — wanted to surprise her, but I hadn’t asked her what she’d needed. I’d wanted to get the blessing to marry her as soon as possible, but what did it matter if her father had blessed us? She was the one that mattered. Why had I not asked her ?
Gods, I was an idiot.
And now… I’d asked the queen to make me a general. How could I be a general if I couldn’t even handle one simple situation with the woman I loved, if I couldn’t say what needed to be said?
Groaning, I rested my head on my crossed arms on my desk, sighing heavily.
“Captain?”
The voice roused me from a dreamless sleep. I lifted my head — instantly regretting the position I’d accidentally fallen asleep in — and groaned.
“What?” I said a bit too harshly.
“It’s well past breakfast,” Midros, my aide-de-camp said, standing over me. “Usually, you’re up by now. Is everything well?”
“No, everything is not well!” I barked at the poor man. He didn’t deserve this. I sighed. “Sorry, Midros. I didn’t sleep well.”
The man’s look said he saw that clearly enough. Thankfully, he said nothing.
“Please bring me some breakfast, whatever you can find. I’ll eat here.”
The man nodded. He hadn’t been dismissed so he waited.
“And…” My mind was heavy and hazy. “What do I have on my schedule today?”
“You have an inspection of the new recruits this morning, a little more than one bell from now. This afternoon is free, I believe you’d wanted to review the provisions and accounting for last month.”
Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen. I could manage an inspection, but my mind was too befuddled to do heavy work with numbers. “I’ll be taking a ride this afternoon instead,” I said. “Please make sure that Broadsword is saddled and ready for me after lunch.”
“Yes, captain. Is that all?”
“Yes.”
Midros left and I rose, groaning again. I just… needed more time to process what had happened last night. I went to dress, then reconsidered, catching a whiff of my own heady scent. I’d have Midros pull a bath for me after breakfast. So… I paced, waiting for my meal, and tried to make sense of things.
For four years, I’d thought Tisera had betrayed me by sleeping with Tomas, but now… Had she?
Or had I betrayed her first by running off without a word?
I didn’t really know. As much as I’d made a mistake, I still felt all the pain of seeing her with another man. Even if he’d been horrible in bed, she’d certainly seemed to have been enjoying it. Or perhaps that was just my memory of the event four years later. Perhaps I’d just been so hurt I’d imagined she’d been enjoying herself? I didn’t know and no answers lay down that road, so I stopped.
None of this was easy or clear.
I started over again.
I’d made a mistake.
And it had brought about grave consequences. We were both hurt and we’d both been hurting all this time. She’d been brave enough to face me first, to come to me and ask what had happened.
Now we knew.
Last night had been a royal mess, but now everything was out in the open. So… what did that mean?
Was there still a chance for us?
Because everything I’d felt for her had returned when I’d held her close last night. Even if she had been crying and beating on me.
I massaged my bruised chest and shoulder. I would gladly suffer her assault, if it meant I could hold her again.
Gods, I loved that woman.
But I wasn’t sure I’d ever told her. Not even in those moments we’d stolen from the darkness during the siege. They had been immediate and hard and needful and afterward, before we’d returned to the barracks, we’d lain together in silence, there had never been any words. But now… I knew. She’d loved me and I had loved her, and we’d both been too closed off to say anything.
And I… I loved her still.
But the question that haunted me as I ate, then bathed, then… went through the motions of the day was: did she still love me?