Chapter 20
CHAPTER 20
Tisera
I could be deathly quiet when I wanted to be. And since I wasn’t ready to speak to Daz, I snuck into the cottage in the hazy light before dawn and grabbed some clothes for the day. Then I had a cold bath — which did wonders to help revive me after a rough night — and left again.
I had to escort Veora to the palace that morning, but I still had time before I needed to get her, so I had breakfast at a rough tavern in the third ring of the city, secretly hoping some drunk would pick a fight with me. Though my bandaged hands and bloody knuckles — from punching walls last night — probably couldn’t have taken it.
But still…
And when I picked up Veora, even before she said a word, I launched into a rant about men.
“I don’t understand men!” I began, and her brows rose. “They’re just so… frustrating and confusing! Some say they love you when you’re not expecting it, and some betray you, but not really, because they’re trying to marry you, but they don’t say anything, so you don’t know what’s happening and you mess everything up by fucking your sergeant. But it’s not my fault he didn’t say anything! And… I just, don’t understand anything!”
Veora’s voice was calm, soothing when she said: “It sounds like what you really don’t understand is how you feel.”
“I know how I feel!” I said heatedly. But then I deflated a little. “I feel… confused.”
“That’s not really…” She sighed. “What are you confused about? I don’t claim to know everything about men, but I like to think I know a thing or two.”
I knew one place to start: “Why do they say things at the wrong time… or… don’t say things?” I was still confused, trying to figure out Daz and Kel at the same time.
“Ah… well, that I might be able to address.”
I was curious and looked over at her.
She seemed to think, lips pursed, perhaps finding the right words before speaking.
“Men can be brave in the face of danger, but when it comes to women, they don’t know how to fight that battle. They’re feeling things most men don’t know how to put into words. It’s a lack on their fathers’ parts, not teaching them how to be true men and express their feelings. And when faced with a woman, they retreat and run for cover. They stumble over words. They say the wrong thing, or sometimes they say the right thing, but at the wrong time. And even more often, they say nothing at all when they should be saying the most important thing.”
That sounded exactly right.
“Men,” I muttered.
“Is there a particular man?” Veora asked. “Perhaps this Leo you have mentioned from time to time? Did he say something stupid, or nothing at all?”
Leo? “No… actually. Leo is a complete gentleman.” I gave a breath of a laugh. “Actually, when it comes to Leo, I’ve been the one who’s tongue-tied and awkward. I’d like to have a little fun with him, but… I don’t know how to say it. He’s a gentleman, and… I don’t know if he’d be up for a roll in the hay. I don’t think he thinks of women or sex that way. But… I know I can’t marry him. He’s a noble. So… I’d be up for a bit of fun, but… how do I tell him that?”
“Ah…” Veora said. “So… then, who was the man saying the wrong thing?”
“Men,” I said with a grimace. “Two of them.”
“Two? Two other men… other than Leo?”
I laughed. “Yes.” She made it sound like I had a whole court of men.
I sobered quickly. I really should talk to Leo. Lack of communication had led to years of pain between Kel and me. So, being honest with Leo seemed prudent.
And Daz had been very clear about his emotions, but I had yet to respond. Here again, if I didn’t tell him how I felt, it might lead to pain, for one or both of us. The trouble was, I didn’t know how I felt about Daz yet. I needed time, and I assumed he’d give it to me. I just shouldn’t take too long.
As for Kel… We’d talked a lot last night. Perhaps too much, but nothing had really been resolved. Did he think… there was still a chance for us?
Was there?
I didn’t know.
That meant I might possibly have three men who wished to be with me… and who I might wish to be with. That was… complicated.
Fuck me.
“Perhaps if you just tell me everything, I can help?” Veora asked.
So, as we walked, I laid everything out for her: Leo’s charm and how that made me feel. Daz’s admission of love and how that had thrown me. Then, Kel… everything we’d learned and the truth of what had happened, and that I had no clue what to do now.
“Oh… my,” Veora said softly when I’d finished. “That is definitely complicated.” Veora looked at me before cocking her head to one side and smiling. “You don’t see it do you?”
“See what?”
“That you have at least two men, perhaps three, who are interested in you, who respect you and may love you. I know women who would kill to be in your position, having several handsome men vying for their attentions.”
“They’re not… vying.” Are they?
I wasn’t the sort of woman who’d have three men after me… and yet, I did.
Fuck me. How had that happened?
“And instead of being surprised and elated and overjoyed that you have a choice of men, you’re… upset?” Veora asked.
“Yes!” That much I knew for sure. Although…when she said it that way.
No, I was upset! I’d resigned myself to being… unlovable. Given how most men had treated me, I’d always suspected I was different and troublesome at the least. Then Kel had abandoned me and I’d known it. I’d been so sure of it. I’d been certain I was fated to be alone. I’d come to terms with living a simple life, on my own .
Only I wasn’t alone. Daz had almost always been there for me. I liked that… but now that I knew why he’d been doing it… so that hopefully someday I might feel as he did… What was I to make of that?
Did I love Daz?
Yes. I did… in a special way, not like a lover. I loved his caring, his attention, his smile, his laugh, and the comfort of his presence. But having him in my bed?
Whereas Kel… I couldn’t stop thinking of him and me, half-dressed in some dark corner of Vestrea, grunting and gripping, all physical passion. But I couldn’t see him cooking my meals and doing chores around the house.
And Leo… He was the oddest of them all. I wanted him to sweep me off my feet and show me all his passion, but if he did that, he’d stop being… Leo, the upstanding gentleman.
Also, Leo was a noble and there was no way we could have anything other than a fling.
And the thought of him making my meals and cleaning the house almost made me laugh.
So yes, I was frustrated and upset, because my entire life had been turned upside down and none of it made any sense!
I said as much to Veora.
“Oh, I see, that is a challenge, yes.”
“With you and the prince, your choice is easy,” I said softly. “Either you’re with him or you’re not. I want to be with each of these three men in different ways. I want to have Daz take care of me, and be soft and intimate with Leo, and fuck the brains out of Kel.”
“My situation with Prince Victor is not so easy. I am, to a degree, at his whim. If I deny him…”
I could see how that would be hard. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say…” I wasn’t sure what I’d meant.
“It is of no consequence, Tisi. I am happy with the prince and if he tires of me, I shall be happy with that, but that is not my choice. You at least have a choice. Perhaps you could… explore all avenues open to you?”
“I could?” That didn’t seem right. “Don’t I have to choose?”
Veora shrugged. “Not if you’re open with all of them.” She smiled broadly. “Tell them you wish to court them, but that you are not being exclusive. Make it clear others will be courting you. It may give one or more of them greater incentive to be all of who you want them to be. And at the same time, you can explore elements of what it’s like being with them. Have Kel cook for you. See what sex with Daz is like. As long as you do it with no expectations afterwards, then they can’t be too upset if you choose another.”
“Oh…” That did sound… curious and appealing. A shiver ran down my spine. What would it be like to have three men pursuing me… actively? “Oh!”
“Oh indeed.” Veora laughed.
“What would I say to them, exactly?”
Veora counselled me on the right words. She was very good with making things seem reasonable.
“Tell them you wish to explore a relationship with them, but that they will not be the only ones. If they balk at this, tell them it is their choice. If they back out now, it will make your choice easier in the end. And if each man knows there are others wooing you, I suspect they will try even harder to win you, and they can’t be too upset if another man does more than they do. Be honest, be open, lay it out. Tell them what you wish to try with them and that you will have the final say. Make it clear that if they wish to be with you, this is the only way.”
I nodded. That made a lot of sense. I hoped I could remember that.
But… “I don’t even know if Kel wants to be with me. We left things a bit… confused and uncertain last night. I did… run out on him.”
“And if he loves you then he’ll seek you out, or patiently wait for you to return to him.”
Yeah, that made sense.
Suddenly I wanted to go talk to Kel right away. Unfortunately, Veora and I were still ten minutes out from the palace and I’d have to wait for her there. I’d go to him this afternoon… No, I had training with Leo this afternoon. And I’d probably see Daz first. I’d talk to Daz, then Leo, then go to see Kel. Yes, that would work.
Gods, suddenly I was more nervous than I’d been for any battle.
Who was I to do this, courting three men at once? I was a warrior-woman, not a flirting courtier. Yet my heart raced like it did in the heat of combat. I was going to have three men court me and… I could choose who I wanted.
The only problem was: what if — after all the courting was done — I wanted all three of them?