12. 열둘 ‘yeoldul’
I woke up extra anxious today—not sure if it’s the good or bad kind—but I was sweating, so my hopes aren’t high.
The day at work has been calm, and I had time to send the letter to Daldust during lunch. Right now, I’m cleaning the tables and getting everything ready to close as fast as I can. With only an hour in between leaving work and my dinner with Elijah, I have to make the most of it.
The gold bell on top of the door rings, and I look in its direction.
‘Hi,’ Moon Hee says, pushing his black hair back. It looks longer every day.
‘Hi.’ I look at his arm. ‘How is it healing?’
‘Good,’ he says, moving his eyes to the same place as mine. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Good…’ He stares at me, knowing bloody well I’m lying. ‘Nervous,’ I admit, and he gives me a small smile.
‘Yeah…I wanted to check in on you before your date, since you know what happened.’
‘Thank you, I think I can do this.’ I move behind the counter.
‘Well, if you need any help—at any time—just send an SOS text and I’ll be there to help,’ he says, walking in my direction.
My mouth’s edges lift and I nod in agreement. ‘Do you want anything to eat or drink?’
‘Hmm…sure…I’ll take one of those muffins to go,’ he says, rubbing the back of his neck.
‘You don’t seem very comfortable with your haircut. You keep pushing it back.’
He chuckles. ‘ I’m still getting used to having any hair at all. I went to the military two years ago and after that I kept shaving it because it was easier to handle. But I want to grow it longer now, so it’s been a journey.’
‘The eighteen months of mandatory military service you have in South Korea?’
‘Exactly. They called me and even though I had just started to work with Elijah, he said that once I came back I could have a spot next to him, so I went. It was better to go right away than to go now, for example.’ His gaze lowers on my face.
‘How is it better?’ I ask, packing his muffin.
‘Before I didn’t have anything going on, and now I do…my job and you…you guys, I mean. I’ve been having a lot of fun with you…all.’ He clears his throat and grabs a glass and the jar of water I placed on the counter for people to serve themselves.
He’s always so sure of his words, so unfazed when speaking. This is like watching a piece of his mask slipping out of place; a breach in his composure.
‘I’ve been having fun with you…all…too,’ I say, handing him his pastry.
Moon Hee smiles and turns around to leave. As he approaches the door, I watch his head turn to me and he says, ‘Remember, anytime,’ before leaving.
***
‘So? What do you think?’ I ask my flatmate as I finish putting on my heels.
‘Elijah is going to have such a hard time taking his eyes off of you,’ she says, a naughty look beaming off her eyes.
‘Oh, shut up…’ I swat my hand at her arm, my cheeks warming up.
The doorbell rings, and before leaving my room, she gives me her reassuring smile. The one she used to plaster on when she dropped me off at Ms Julie’s office door, right before I walked in.
I inhale and take a step to walk out of the room, but the moment I hear Elisa saying the name Elijah, I stop. A rush of reasons for not going burst through my head, so I grab Daldust’s last letter and read the paragraph where he talks about how we should embrace ourselves. I read it twice and look at the mirror I uncovered to do my makeup.
Glimpses of the old Lilah Scott appear through my eyes—the outgoing and fun Delilah, the popular one. I grab onto those glimpses.
‘I can be like that again,’ I think and leave the room with my head held high.
‘Hi.’ I smile as I enter the living room, where Elijah and Elisa are sitting on the sofa, talking.
My date gazes in my direction, and his eyes travel up and down.
‘Fuck, Lilah. Why have you been hiding all this time?’ He gets up to greet me, taking my hand to kiss it.
I hope the warmth I’m feeling on my cheeks gets mistaken for makeup, because I’m burning hot.
‘Have fun, but Elijah…not too much fun.’ Elisa raises an eyebrow at him.
He chuckles and grabs my hand, leading us outside the flat.
His words keep echoing in my mind. ‘Why have you been hiding all this time?’ I wish I knew.
‘I made a reservation for us at Gangnam . I know they have vegan options and since it’s fairly new, I was hoping you hadn’t tried it yet,’ my date says as we get into his car.
‘Korean food with vegan options…you are really trying to impress me.’ I chuckle. ‘The odds were slim, but you are in luck. I haven’t tried it.’
His gaze stays on the road, but I see the corner of his lips lift.
Everything still seems like a mirage. Never in my life did I think this exact moment would happen. My life has been changing so much that the unexpected shouldn’t surprise me anymore, yet it still does.
‘You don’t go out much, do you?’ Elijah asks.
‘Not anymore, no,’ I say, looking out the window. Fluorescent lights fill the streets, with shops decorated for Halloween, waiting for its arrival in just a few days.
‘Can I ask why?’
I spot the restaurant near us and a parking space on my side. ‘You can park here. It’s close enough to the restaurant and I don’t see any open space nearer,’ I say, changing the subject.
He nods and parks where I suggested. As we get out of the car, I notice what he’s wearing—I was so nervous before I didn’t get to check him out.
‘You look really good too.’ Elijah keeps with his signature colour; he’s wearing a black shirt with rolled-up sleeves and a few open buttons, letting everyone get a peek at his tattoos. The black suit pants and shoes complete the look.
‘Thank you,’ he says, reaching his arm for me to hold as we walk towards the restaurant.
You don’t even need to know him to know he’s done this a lot of times.
‘Reservation for Park,’ he says to the hostess.
‘Follow me, please.’ She smiles.
We sit at our table, and I absorb our surroundings.
‘Reminds me of some places I visited in Korea,’ Elijah says.
‘It’s beautiful.’
The space is not big but the dark decor, with the black chairs and metal round tables, reminds me so much of the ones I see in K-Dramas.
‘One day we’ll all go there.’ My date shows his perfectly lined pearly-white teeth, tucking a strand of my hair behind my ear.
‘So Elijah, tell me, what made you open your tattoo parlour?’ I ask, trying to get to know him better.
‘Well, I love tattooing and wanted to have my space. Nothing too out of the ordinary,’ he says, licking his bottom lip at the end, staring straight into my eyes.
The waiter brings our dishes, and we dive into the wonderful cuisine.
‘And you? What made you have a bakery?’
‘I’ve always liked to bake. Is makes me feel closer to my grandmother,’ I say, stirring my bibimbap .
He says nothing. Maybe I made him uncomfortable. A dead grandma isn’t probably something to discuss on the first date.
‘It’s funny how when we are all together, you barely speak to me. Hell, for the longest time you didn’t say a word, but when we are alone, you can speak so freely.’
‘It’s not like you even knew of my existence until recently.’ I chuckle, but his face turns serious.
‘I knew. Trust me, I knew. I just didn’t know how to approach you. I’m used to dealing with people like Elisa. I have no idea what to do with a Lilah,’ he says, lighting up at the end with a smile.
‘Well, I always assumed you knew with women. You are bloody Elijah Park.’
He laughs and tilts his head, smirking. He places his hand on top of mine. ‘And who is bloody Elijah Park?’
‘You know exactly who you are.’ I avoid his gaze.
‘Maybe, but you don’t seem to know who Lilah Scott is anymore. ’
My eyes travel to his instantly. ‘And you do?’
‘No, but I remember the one people talked about in the past. What happened to her?’
‘You knew me?’ The Parks are friends with a lot of The Elite’s families, but I had never heard of Elijah during that time.
‘Not personally, but you used to go to my parties with Vance,’ he says.
My heart squeezes at the sound of that name, and my hands tremble. I look down at my spoon vibrating on the rice.
‘Lilah?’ I hear my date saying between the loud beating of my heart in my ears, holding my hands to prevent them from shaking. ‘Are you okay?’
Words fail to leave my mouth, all the moisture having left my throat. I release one of my hands from Elijah’s to reach for my glass of water, but my hand shakes so much that I end up spilling it, so he gives me his.
I take a gulp, my eyes scanning the spinning room.
‘Air,’ I manage to whisper. ‘I need air.’
He gets up and places my arms around his neck for me to hold on to as he lifts me by the waist and leads me outside. When the breeze of the cold air meets my face, I inhale as if I had been underwater for too long and lean on the wall next to the restaurant.
‘Maybe I should call an ambulance,’ he says. I can tell how freaked he is by the way his wide eyes stare at me.
‘No, it’s okay. I’m okay,’ I say in a low tone, glancing down and still focusing on my breathing.
‘Lilah, you don’t seem okay. I think it’s best to at least go home.’ Elijah places his hand on the side of my cheek, lifting it so my eyes meet his.
‘I’m okay, really,’ I assure him, placing my hand on top of his and giving him a little smile.
Why is this happening? Why is it always with him? Why can’t I be normal?
I’m so fucking tired of this bloody bullshit.
I sit on the floor and he sits next to me. ‘I know it’s none of my business, but how long have you had these panic attacks?’ my date asks.
‘Five years.’ I glare at the flickering light above the door of the store in front of us.
‘And are you getting help for it?’ His eyes dig into mine, and his thumb strokes my hand in a soothing gesture.
‘Yes, trust me, I’m a lot better. Old Delilah would have never agreed to go out tonight.’
He smiles, relaxing his shoulders. ‘I’m glad. So what do you want to do?’
‘I want to go finish my meal before the waiter thinks we just left without paying.’ I half-laugh.
He chuckles and agrees. ‘Let’s go.’ Standing on his feet, he reaches his hand to help me get up.
The rest of the dinner goes by without a hiccup. We get to know more about each other and even though I notice the lack of similar interests, being in his presence is still enjoyable.
When we reach my flat’s door, I turn my back to it and he places his hand next to my head, holding himself on the door, looking at my lips.
‘This night was definitely interesting.’ He spreads his famous smirk.
‘Yeah, sorry about that…’ I say, looking down.
He moves his other hand to my chin to lift it. ‘Don’t be. It’s not what happens that matters, it’s with whom it does. And I enjoyed every minute with you.’
‘Me too.’
His eyes travel back to my lips, and he moves in closer to demolish our distance. A sudden tingle arises in my skin and I try to take a step back, hitting hard on the door, throwing my hand between us to stop him.
I know what he wants to do, and I can’t say I don’t want it, but a foreign sensation is preventing me. ‘I’m not ready yet.’
He nods and backs away, clearing his throat. ‘Have a wonderful night, Lilah.’
‘You too.’ I smile, and he smiles back.
I turn to open my door and wave at him before closing it.
The second I’m inside my house, I lean my back on the door and slide to the ground, looking up.
A swirl of emotions hits me, so many I cannot grasp how to react.
Why do I feel like crying when I just had a date with the one person I was crushing on for the past year? I had a decent time, so why do I feel like throwing up?
I get up and move to the lavatory. As I enter the shower, water runs down from my eyes, and I turn on the tap.
Time doesn’t seem to pass as I sit in the tub, warm water flowing through my back, so I stay there until I’ve gathered enough energy to get up and move to my bed.
I lie awake, with no notion of time, numbness overflowing my body as I try to understand what the hell I’m feeling.
My goal is the only clarity in my mind: to get better. I want to come back from a date and smile, a date where I didn’t have a panic attack.