15. 열다섯 ‘yeoldasot’
‘You stayed.’ Elijah smiles as I open my eyes.
I did…The realisation warms my heart and I give him a small smile.
He serenely brushes the hair on the side of my face with his backhand and tucks it behind my ear before his eyes travel down.
My eyes follow his, and I notice my bare chest. In a hurry, I grab the sheet and pull it up.
‘Oh…I was enjoying the view.’ His mouth forms a dramatic pout.
I divert the subject to hide my shyness. ‘Do you have something to eat?’
‘I don’t remember, but there must be something in the fridge,’ he says.
I get up and grab his shirt and my panties. I’m glad he was wearing an oversized shirt last night. It will cover enough for me to go to the kitchen.
As I’m rummaging through the fridge, footsteps sound behind me. I don’t give them much importance because my mind goes to Elijah joining me, but when someone clears their throat, I know it’s not him.
My body tenses and I stand up to turn around.
‘Lilah?’ Moon Hee frowns. His grip tightens around the sleeves of the grocery bags he brought home as he stares, mouth slightly opened, at me.
‘Moonie,’ I say, pushing my shirt’s hem down as much as it can go.
Our eyes interlock, and the air around us thickens. I feel like I’ve been caught doing something I shouldn’t by the one person who shouldn’t know, and I don’t know why.
Thankfully, Elijah interrupts us—nothing on his body but his boxers. Bloody hell, I keep forgetting how hot he is until he stands in front of me.
‘Hey mate,’ he says to Moon Hee—whose eyes are still on me—moving to my side and placing his arm around my shoulders .
‘Did you find anything to eat?’ Elijah asks, shifting his gaze to me.
I shake my head and look back at Moon Hee, who I’m guessing is still trying to wrap his head around the situation.
‘Hmm…’ Moonie’s big doe eyes now hang low, looking around the room. He puts down the shopping bags he brought with him on the counter. ‘I should go.’
‘Moonie!’ My mind didn’t even think of what was coming out of my mouth. A sense of desperation fills my body, and it doesn’t even make sense to be reacting like this. I don’t like Moon Hee like that.
He comes to a sudden halt in the middle of the room, as if he’s waiting for me to continue speaking. However, as I find myself devoid of any remaining words, he eventually departs.
‘Is he okay?’ Elijah asks.
‘I don’t know…’ My voice is low as I stare at the door.
***
I lie in my bed, repeatedly playing Moon Hee’s glance in my head. The look in his eyes, as if seeing me there with Elijah hurt him. I know it was unexpected to see me there, but why would that hurt him?
As I turn to my side, the sound of paper being crumpled reminds me I left Daldust’s letter under my pillow yesterday. I get up to a seated position on my bed and grab the pillow to take the letter and re-read it.
Now, when I need a minute in my world, it’s them who I want in it with me. There’s a sense of security I get with every letter that warms my heart. It’s a feeling that I didn’t know I was missing, yet I’m becoming addicted.
I walk over to my desk to write back so I can send it tomorrow.
“I see you didn’t answer my questions, but I’ll answer yours.
I have a bakery here in London, so I’m a baker for a living and I love it. It’s my dream job.
I don’t have a close relationship with my parents. I talk to them probably once a month. It’s not that we dislike each other, but I don’t feel comfortable around them at this point in my life. They support my career. Actually, it thrills them. After my grandma died, they loved that I continued her legacy, but I’m a twenty-seven-year-old single woman who spends most of her time at home, and they keep questioning and pressuring me to find someone—which I’m not looking for. I’m not up to being let down at the moment, and honestly, I don’t think I could handle it.
If I were a man, they wouldn’t say anything. They would think, ‘oh, he’s just living his 20s, let’s give him a break,’ but because I’m a woman all they want to know is if I found a man. If they want a man so much, they should adopt one!
Sorry about the rant, but this rankles me.
Delilah”
Ms Julie was right when she suggested I get a pen pal. On paper, I let out my true feelings. I say things I couldn’t even imagine saying in person, but I’m getting that tiny curiosity to know them.
‘Hey,’ Elisa says, knocking on my half-opened door.
‘Hey.’ I turn around from my desk.
‘I passed by Moon Hee today and he seemed weird. Did Elijah comment anything about him?’ she asks.
I sigh and tell her what happened.
‘Oh, fuck.’ She grimaces. ‘Now I get it.’
‘Get what?’ I ask.
‘Why he seemed so wrecked.’
‘Wrecked?’ I furrow my eyebrows.
‘Lilah, you are not going to tell me you have never seen it…’ she says, appalled.
‘Seen what?’
‘The way he looks at you. That man definitely has feelings for you.’
‘What? Why do you say that?’ I’m the appalled one now.
He’s always been nice to me, and very understanding, but I don’t think that means he likes me. It means he’s a reliable friend.
‘He just glows whenever you are around.’
‘You are probably imagining it.’ I chuckle.
‘You’ve never considered him? To date, I mean?’
‘Moonie? No, he’s like a little brother to me!’ I don’t remember such a thought ever crossing my mind.
‘Just because he’s like two years younger?’
‘I mean…yes. I do like him, and I might have a deeper connection with him, at least more than Elijah, but as friends. ’
‘Well, that’s too bad. I think you’d make a very cute couple.’ I’m still processing her comment when Elisa shifts the focus to our other male friend. ‘And how are things with Elijah? You spent the first night out in five years, Lilah!’ She claps her hands with a tiny movement of jumping up and down.
‘It’s been better than I could’ve ever imagined. He’s so much fun and oh, so good in bed.’ I bite my lip, thinking of all the times we’ve spent together.
‘I’m happy for you. Do you think it’s going to turn into something more than friends with benefits?’
‘Honestly, no, and I’m truly okay with that. Like I said, our personalities don’t match that much. We don’t have much in common. Besides, it’s Elijah…When does he ever catch feelings?’ I chuckle.
‘Maybe you’re right,’ my flatmate says, her tone lacking confidence. She turns around to leave my room, but not before adding, ‘Talk to Moon Hee.’
I nod, but her back already faces me. My mind keeps replaying the word glow .
He glows when we’re together?
No. It’s Moonie. He’s the one I’ve never felt self-conscious around, the one that holds me when I’m falling apart. If anything, he’d be a best friend, not a lover.
I leave my flat and knock on the door on the other side of the hall.
‘Yes?’ Moonie asks.
‘It’s me.’
It takes him a few seconds, but he finally opens the door.
‘Elijah isn’t here,’ he says, looking at the floor.
‘He’s not the one I’m here for,’ I say, and his eyes lift to mine. ‘Can we talk?’
He stares at me in silence, only opening more of the door and moving to the side so I can walk in.
I sit on the sofa and he follows, waiting for me to say anything else.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, fiddling with my fingers. ‘For not telling you that it was me who was spending the night.’
He sighs and turns to face me as we sit. ‘It’s okay, I was just caught off guard.’
‘You wouldn’t have been if I had told you yesterday when you commented about his date.’
‘I just…didn’t know it was going so well. It surprised me, that’s all.’ I can sense his discomfort. He doesn’t look me in the eye like he usually does when he speaks.
‘Trust me, I wasn’t counting on it. It totally surprised me when you said that he’d planned for me to spend the night. I think that’s why I panicked,’ I admit.
‘I guess you didn’t have to worry about it. It went great by the looks of it.’ Moon Hee smiles, moving his gaze to mine. A wave of relief washes over me.
I reach out for his hand and hold it between mine. ‘I’m sorry if I made it awkward.’
He smiles again. ‘Don’t worry, you didn’t. I did. I’m happy if you are. Are you?’
‘I am strangely happy.’
Elisa was mistaken, after all. He doesn’t glow. He might sparkle a bit, but it’s all in the name of friendship.
‘You are an amazing friend, you know? One of the best I have right now,’ I say.
He stays silent with a smile.
The front door unlocks and Elijah walks in, not noticing us, so I signal Moon Hee to not tell him I’m here as I hide behind the sofa.
‘Hey mate.’ Elijah greets his flatmate and sits where I was before. ‘Those five-hour tattoos can really get the best of me sometimes. I’m dead.’ He leans backwards to relax.
I reach my hands to cover his eyes, startling him.
‘Guess who,’ I play.
‘Bloody fuck, Lilah. You scared the fuck out of me,’ he says, and both Moon Hee and I laugh.
‘Hey,’ I say, sitting next to him.
‘Hey,’ he whispers, pulling my face to his and kissing me.
‘Well, this is my cue. I’m going to my room,’ Moonie says, getting up from the sofa and leaving the area.
Elijah doesn’t even acknowledge him. His lips don’t want to depart mine and I don’t mind. Once Moonie is gone, I get on top of Elijah and he places both hands on my waist.
‘Do you want to stay over again?’ he asks. ‘Moon Hee bought breakfast this time.’
‘I don’t know…’ My voice is low. I still feel strange about this morning.
‘We can watch a film to relax,’ he says, trying to convince me.
‘Just a film?’ Could we even just watch a film? Every time we are together, our bodies can’t unglue.
Just the other day when Elisa caught us in front of the door, the day after our first time, I had to pull him away, and still, I felt the warmth on my waist. The touch of his fingers was one I easily got used to.
‘Maybe…’ He smirks, as his eyes face the bottom part of my face. I close my eyes at the soft trace on my left cheek in an attempt to soothe my mind, yet I can’t help but feel uneasy.
Am I thinking too much into this? We’re just having fun.
Fun I hadn’t had in years.
But as much as I try not to, those thoughts linger in my mind, creeping at every calm moment.
‘Enjoy it while you can. It won’t last long,’ one says.
‘It’s just a matter of time until I have you on the floor, reaching for air,’ the other joins.
‘Elijah will get bored soon. How will someone so pathetic entertain him enough?’
‘You are not enough. You never were, you never will be.’
‘Are you okay?’ Elijah holds my face, the skin between his eyebrows wrinkled.
It’s not until his thumb runs under my eye that I notice the wetness. Tears drip down my face, and my lower lip trembles uncontrollably.
I lift myself off his lap, and the back of both my hands spread the tears throughout my cheeks, attempting to wipe them off.
‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what went over me,’ I say, my eyes drifting away from his to the left.
There’s a slight click of the door’s lock that makes me look in its direction. An empty hall stares back at me, so I return my attention to the man in front of me, the one whose eyes haven’t moved an inch.
‘You’re such a mystery to me, Lilah Scott,’ he says, getting up. My neck stretches up to keep his face in sight, and the sofa makes more noise than when I got up.
‘I’m sorry.’ My eyes meet his hands as they reach for mine.
‘No, I’m sorry that I’m not much of a comforter. I never know the right words to say.’
‘It’s okay. I just think I killed the mood for a film. I’m going,’ I say, briefly closing my eyes to prevent spilling once more.
His mouth parts, but no words come out. He knows I killed the mood. I’m a killjoy; I’ve always been.
My back turns to him and I don’t stop until I reach the other side of my bedroom door. He doesn’t try to stop me.