14. 열넷 ‘yeolnet’
It was fun indeed. Last night Elisa came home around one in the morning and by then Elijah had already gone home. Before that, we went for a second round and even a third one in the shower.
I haven’t felt like that in so long. It was as if every concern I had disappeared. For the first time in five years, I felt free.
‘Good morning,’ my flatmate says, staring at me as I walk into the kitchen.
‘Good morning.’
I walk to the other corner of the room towards the fridge, but she never ceases to stare.
‘What?’ I ask.
‘So? How was yesterday with Elijah? When I left, he was going to talk to you.’ Her big eyes tell me she’s expecting something good and wants all the juicy bits.
As I’m figuring out what to tell her, the doorbell rings. It’s cliché, but I love that saying saved by the bell .
I open, and a smirking face greets me.
‘Hey,’ Elijah says, entering the house and closing the door before grabbing my waist and pulling me to him, connecting our lips.
The soft pillows of his mouth relax me, our surroundings vanishing. His back meets the door as I melt into him, one hand on my lower back and the other on the side of my face. Mine tug at the small amount of fabric they can pull off his skin-tight shirt.
‘Lilah, who is it—’ Elisa asks, coming into the hallway and catching us right in the moment.
I pull away the moment I hear her gasp, and Elijah looks at her.
‘Oh, I didn’t know you were here,’ he says, moving both hands back to my waist.
‘I guess it went well,’ Elisa responds to her previous answer.
I clear my throat and release myself from Elijah’s arms, saying, ‘I have to go get ready to open the shop,’ and walk away to my room.
‘Fuck,’ I say under my breath, leaning on the closed door inside my bedroom.
I sense a wave of anxiety creeping out on me, so I focus on my breath, counting backward from ten.
Ten…nine…eight…Breathe, Lilah…six…five…It’s okay…This is normal…You are okay…one…
Inhale…
Exhale…
When I calm down, I remember I still have a pen pal letter I didn’t get to open yesterday. I grab it and sit on my bed. Daldust’s words have constantly brought me happiness.
“Dear Delilah,
You are very welcome. I hope you start caring less then.
You have a shop? What kind of shop? What do you do for a living?
Me…I’m an artist. I do a bit of everything art-related. I’m an illustrator, photographer, tattoo artist, and all kinds of things.
My family wanted me to have a regular job, but as I stated previously, I don’t care. They don’t approve, not because they don’t think I can succeed, but because they don’t know how to succeed in something that isn’t conventional. That’s what they learned.
I believe they’ll understand better in a few years. The world is constantly evolving and people need to keep up or they get left behind, and my mum isn’t one to quit. I’m like her that way. She’s very caring and even not approving 100%, she has given in to me following my dreams and sometimes I even catch her smiling at my work.
Do you identify with your parents in any way? You don’t need to answer if it’s too personal.
Yours truly,
Daldust”
A knock sounds on my door, and I shove the letter under my pillow. ‘Yes?’
‘It’s Elijah.’
‘Come in!’ I shout.
He walks in and I notice the outfit I only felt before; a tight black T-shirt grips his chest and grey tracksuit bottoms leave for imagination what I already saw yesterday.
The sight of him gets me tingling in places I hadn’t in a long time until last night.
‘I had a great time last night.’ One of the most handsome men I’ve seen smiles.
‘Me too, the greatest I’ve had in a while,’ I say as he walks closer to me.
I can’t understand why, but just him doing that gives me butterflies.
‘I was wondering if tonight you’d like to have another great time at my place.’ His index finger goes under my chin to lift it up, so my eyes meet his.
‘I guess I can arrange that.’ I push my bottom lip between my teeth, and his thumb traces my lip, plopping it out while his finger remains on my chin.
‘Great.’ His voice is husky when he takes a step backward, walking out the room. Leaving me stranded, longing for him.
I hear the front door of the flat and then mine opens abruptly.
‘Girl, I need details now!’ my best friend demands, and I laugh.
‘Yes, things went very well yesterday. Three times very well, actually.’
‘Ah!’ she exclaims, her pitch higher than a squealing duck. ‘That’s my girl.’ She comes to hug me. ‘I’m so happy for you.’
I give her a blushing smile, reminiscing about yesterday’s events. ‘It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt like this, and it’s so weird to think that I did it with Elijah.’
‘Last year Delilah could never.’ She winks before the corners of her mouth drop. ‘But seriously, I’m really glad therapy is working.’
‘Thank you for encouraging me to do it,’ I say. In all the times fear almost made me miss my appointments at the beginning, Elisa stood by my side and helped me go.
‘But now I really need to go to work,’ I say, and she nods.
On Saturdays, I enjoy to either close the bakery earlier or only do a half day. Today I’m doing the latter. I want to visit the boys at the tattoo parlour. I’ve been curious about it for a while and after my session with Ms Julie where she said how with each thing I’m doing out of my comfort zone I’m going back to living and enjoying life, I decided it was time. If only she knew I took a tremendous step with Elijah after our session. The last she heard of the story was the date.
I’m getting good at controlling my anxiety, but the panic screws with me. Both she and Moonie told me to listen more to my body and find the triggers. But I have to be honest, with the hot yoga I’ve been doing with Elisa and what’s happening with Elijah, I feel a bit more confident, which helps with the rest.
As I walk into InkPark, I soak in the red and black decor. Elijah is behind the counter fiddling with some papers and Moon Hee is nowhere to be seen.
Elijah puts down the papers and looks towards the entrance when he hears the footsteps, only to be greeted by my smile.
‘Lilah!’ The corners of his lips lift. ‘Couldn’t wait until the night to see me?’
‘Ha-ha, no, I just closed my shop and decided to visit yours. I was curious about how it looked.’
‘Are you sure you didn’t come to collect your first tattoo?’ Elijah reminds me of his promise.
‘Not today.’ I get closer to the counter and look around once more before asking, ‘Where’s Moon Hee?’
‘He’s in the back with a client,’ he says, grabbing the papers again.
‘Hmm, okay…’ I rock back and forth on my feet.
A door sounds open, and voices come out of there.
‘You can go directly to my colleague at the counter to pay. Please tag us if you post it on social media. We would love to check out how it heals,’ one voice says.
‘Of course, thank you so much, I love it,’ the other replies.
The client moves to meet Elijah, and Moon Hee goes back inside the room. I decide to go to him.
‘Knock knock,’ I say near the open door, making my friend turn around in my direction.
His raised sleeves show his latest tattoo. He’s wearing black tracksuit bottoms and a matching shirt. Elijah was also all in black, which must be their work attire.
‘Lilah.’ His beautiful smile pops. ‘Come in.’
‘It’s beautiful,’ I say, pointing at his no longer covered arm.
‘Thank you.’ He glances at it.
‘Does it have a special meaning?’ I pry.
‘It’s a reminder of how beautiful but fragile life can be, so we should appreciate every moment before time runs out.’
That explains the broken hourglass with flowers growing inside and butterflies spreading to the background, while shards of glass and sand lie on the bottom.
‘Are you here to do one?’ Moonie asks, cleaning his instruments.
‘I just wanted to check out the space.’
‘That was my last client. I’m leaving in a few minutes to go pack for tonight,’ he says.
‘Pack?’ I ask. Is he going somewhere?
‘Yeah, I’m spending the night at my mum’s. Elijah is having someone there to spend the night, so he asked me if I wouldn’t mind giving them privacy.’
‘Oh.’ My voice is lower than a whisper. I wonder if I should tell him it’s me; if Elijah didn’t and knows him for longer, maybe it’s best I don’t.
He said to spend the night…I thought I was going there for a couple of hours and then leaving…I’m not ready to spend the night; I don’t even know if I want it yet.
Fuck, breathe, Delilah. Breathe!
It’s okay, it’s okay.
Why is this triggering me? Am I just self-sabotaging?
Arms wrap around me, and I look up from the ground. I hadn’t even noticed that I’d already dropped to an Asian squat, hugging myself.
‘You’re okay, Lilah. Everything is okay. I’m here. You are not alone,’ Moon Hee says behind me, holding me in his embrace.
We count together until my breath steadies, and he releases me as soon as the door opens.
Elijah glances at us, frowning, and asks, ‘Is everything alright?’
Moonie quickly jumps in and answers, ‘Yes, Lilah just dropped an earring and I was helping her find it.’
I stay silent. My strength is still not enough to put together a sentence.
‘I’m going now. I’ll see you both tomorrow,’ Moonie says.
‘I’m just going to finish up some things here and then close up too,’ Elijah says and turns to me after his flatmate leaves adding, ‘I’ll knock on your door when I’m ready,’ giving me a peck on the forehead.
I nod and walk to my flat, still a bit in my head. I am trying to listen to my body, to figure this all out.
Why is dating so triggering for me? Sure, my last relationship wasn’t the best, but that’s not enough to be triggering. I wish I could remember what happened that night. They say ignorance is bliss and sometimes it’s true, but in this case, it’s driving me crazy.
I text Elijah, asking if I can be the one to knock when I’m ready, before I go to a hot yoga class to clear my mind.
My body is tired as I enter my building, but my mind is a lot calmer. I can focus on the positive now.
As I turn to open my flat’s door, the one behind me opens.
‘Hey,’ Elijah says.
‘Hey, sorry I took so long. I needed to clear my head.’ I turn around to him.
‘It’s okay…’ He looks up and down at me. ‘I was about to take a shower. Do you want to join me?’
I stare at him as I consider my options.
‘Actually…that sounds perfect.’ I bite the inside of my lip, trying to keep my blush invisible.
I follow him inside his flat as he grabs my wrist to guide me to his lavatory.
The door closes, and Elijah pushes me against it.
‘Wait, I’m all sweaty,’ I say, avoiding his kiss.
He smirks and holds my face still with one hand, whispering in my ear, ‘I don’t care,’ before locking my lips with his.