31. 서른하나 ‘seoreunhana’
Elisa’ s POV
‘Did you have fun at the arcade on Tuesday?’ Lilah asks me, cleaning plates to store them back on the shelves.
‘Yes, but I’m sure it would have been better with you there,’ I say as I sit on the table, a blank page on the computer staring back at me.
I don’t normally work here, but I needed a change of scenery.
‘What did you do?’ I ask. I know she spent time with Moon Hee because when I was walking in the hallway to the flat, I saw him leaving our place.
‘Not much…I cleaned the house, wrote a letter to Daldust, and then Moon Hee showed up here.’ Even though she has her back turned to me, I can hear it in her voice, how normal she wants to make it pass by.
‘Seems like a productive day.’ Maybe by pretending to play along, she’ll tell me something more. ‘How are things between you and…Daldust.’
The way she stopped before I said the last name makes me want to laugh. Something is definitely going on between her and Moon Hee.
‘Everything is going well. I’ve been really enjoying getting to know him. I feel like we connect, you know? He’s been a good teacher too.’
‘Moon Hee, hi!’ I say. My flatmate almost breaks a plate at the sound of my voice, turning to the entrance of the kitchen in a flick of lightning.
‘Elisa, what in the bloody hell?’ Her eyes widened at me, one hand on her chest and the other holding her to the counter.
‘Did you hear a doorbell?’
‘No…’
‘They don’t have a key, do they?’
‘No…’
‘Then how would it be him?’ I chuckle. ‘What’s been going on between you two?’ I’m not that patient of a person.
‘It’s weird. We both know we have feelings, but we can’t seem to cross the line.’
‘That’s so funny, thinking you and Elijah didn’t exactly have feelings but crossed the line so easily.’ I close my laptop’s lid. This conversation is pulling me more than the report I need to write for the efficiency analysis of a website I created a few weeks ago.
‘Yeah, life is funny like that.’ Lilah pulls out a chair from the table to sit nearer to me.
‘Have I told you how proud I am of you?’ The eyes that once sat on the table rise to mine.
‘Proud?’
‘Fucking proud. One year ago you never went out unless it was for work, and then therapy. The simple mention of me bringing someone home would lock you in your room. Six months ago, you actually started walking around the house with others here, like a tiny mouse running around trying not to be seen, but it was progress already. And now? When was your last panic attack?’
‘A month ago…I’ve been able to stop myself before I got there.’
‘A fucking month ago! You just had a dinner party. Never did I think Delilah fucking Scott would organise a dinner party. You went on holiday with me and three other people. You even hang more with your other friends. And being around guys? Even if you’re still cautious about all the others, you’ve become friends with two! Not just one, two! One that got you active in bed again.’ I wink. ‘And another that’s stealing your heart. So yeah. Proud.’
‘Looking back, it’s like the snowball effect,’ she says. ‘For a long time it didn’t seem to be working, but little by little I think I progressed and since I started writing to Daldust, it’s like he opened my life to all kinds of possibilities.’
‘He might have helped you, but you opened your life to possibilities. You took the first steps, you went out of your comfort zone, and you kept growing.’
‘Do you remember five years ago?’ she asks, now playing with her thumbs.
‘After Vance?’ I ask, and she nods. ‘I remember coming home and not seeing you or hearing you for a week, seeing a shadow walking around the flat, simply existing. Your skin was so pale all the time.’
‘Yeah…I think the biggest difference from then and now is how alone I was. And when you are used to going through everything alone for so long, it’s weird to know that you have someone you can count on.’
‘The thing is, Lilah, you were never alone. You felt alone, but I was there for you every time you needed it, just like you are for me and as I’ll continue to be. I gave you space back then because no matter what I did, you were existing inside your mind. I remember being the one to clean your room and change your bedsheets. Making sure you always had something to eat in the fridge.’
‘You did all that? I honestly don’t remember. For an entire month, my life was a blur and after that many hours of the day were too. Thank you for doing those things.’
‘Can I ask what happened?’
My friend leans back in the chair and takes a deep breath before telling me how one normal evening became the turning point in her life. How Vance left her with someone that violated her private space, and even though he never penetrated her, he touched her every crease, kissed it, licked it. Got off of seeing her tremble—afraid he would go back on his word at any time—rubbed himself on her, came on her skin, and recorded the whole thing.
‘What a sick psycho…Wait, was that the video I heard people talking about?’ I ask, remembering some chats.
‘People saw?’
‘From what I remember, no, they saw the thumbnail of the video, but if they went to click it, it wouldn’t work. Your parents must have taken it down right away.’
‘Having that around would ruin their reputation.’
‘I don’t believe it was just that. I remember your mum coming here when you wouldn’t leave your room. She came a few times after too, but the same way you didn’t see me, you never saw her.’
Lilah’s eyes stare at me with raised eyebrows, her mouth slightly parted as she interiorises my words.
Faint as the wind on a clear sunny day, I catch her saying, ‘She did?’
‘I know you two don’t have a good relationship, but she texts me sometimes, asking how you are.’
I stand up from the chair and walk to my room to grab my phone that had reached eighty-eight percent in charging. I hand her my blue-cased phone with the chat from her mother opened on the screen, backing five years of texts.
‘She texts at least once a month…’ Her finger keeps scrolling up. ‘Why didn’t she just ask me? I rarely hear from her.’
‘I don’t know. I think that’s a conversation you should have with her.’
‘Thank you for showing me this,’ she says, handing me the phone back. I smile, taking my computer from the table and returning to the office space I created in my room.
I place it on the left side of my corner table, turn on the desk computer, and click the little button under my two lower screens and the top one—to give me a more ample view of the workspace. I grab my workout ball today and sit on it while putting on my black and blue headphones that match the aesthetic of my cloud blue room.
The purple, grey, and blue clouds projected on the ceiling and the blue LED lights on the walls are enough light to focus on getting this report done. When my one-hour Ghibli piano soundtrack ends, I write the last dot on the Word document, finishing up the work I had for this Saturday afternoon.
I grab my phone and send a text to Sofía.
*Are you free today?*
*One more hour and I’ll go to you 3*
It’s funny to think this little Spanish woman brightens up my days. I haven’t had someone like that for a while.
I’ve always seen myself as a self-sufficient person, happy, single and surrounded by others. But the truth is, even though my nights were roaring loud, my days felt lonely, especially when the one friend I have was going through so much she couldn’t spend all the time I wanted with me.
We always had our film nights and meals together, but as an extrovert, every time she held herself in her room, my day became gloomy. That’s why meeting our front-door neighbours and having another extroverted friend was a game changer for me. I would still do my work, workout, and play a game for a while, but whenever I was done with my entertainment, I could just call Elijah and they would come over.
I’ve been living on my own since I was seventeen and from all the people I’ve met throughout the years, I can say I’ve found my crew at twenty-seven. It took me twenty years, but my dream has come true.
The lights in front of me blur together as I reminisce on seven-year-old Elisa sleeping in a room with five other girls, all wishing for someone to come take them to their new home—one where they could finally say they have a family .
Mine might not be the standard formation, but it’s the one I’ve built and will accompany me as I extend it in the future.
I know Lilah has always seen me with a cool aunt vibe, but deep down I long for a big family, to be the mother of boys, girls, and all they choose to be.
And as strange as it might seem, because I’ve met her so recently, I see that future with Sofía and I know she sees it with me.
I grab my copy of The Last Of US Part I and insert it into the PS5. I can almost play this game with my eyes closed by now.
When Sofía texts me saying she’s finished work, I stop the game and walk up to open the front door.
‘Hey babe,’ my gorgeous girlfriend says.
Her delicate chestnut lips tease me as they touch with each word she speaks. I place my hand behind her head and pull her to me.
I can’t imagine getting tired of kissing her in this timeline. Our lips were made for each other.
The soft touch of her hand on my back sliding down to my behind makes me grab her hand and lead her to my bedroom. When she closes my door, her soft touch turns ferocious, pushing me to the bed and standing on top of me, lifting my chin so our mouths connect again.
My hands grab the hem of her shirt and lift it above her head. I love a braless woman.
Sofía follows my lead, leaving us exposed.
The sweet gaze she has when she looks at me is one of many things that made me fall in love with her. Her kindness is boundless.
‘Can I tell you something?’ I say, popping myself on my elbows as she stands in front of me at the edge of the bed.
‘Always.’
‘I’ve never…done it…with a girl, I mean.’ I bite the inside of my lip.
‘I know.’ She smiles.
‘You know?’
‘When your friends talked about all the relationships you had, on your birthday weekend, I thought to myself how odd it was for a woman so open with her sexuality and seemingly so active with it too, to be dating me and every time I try to go a little further, for the last two months to avoid it. I just figured you were taking your time.’
‘But, they talked about women too…didn’t that make you think about it? ’
‘At first, yes, I thought it could be just a me thing. Maybe you wanted to take it slow, but I could feel it in your touch, your nervousness when I touched you in certain places.’
‘I guess you do know me.’ I chuckle. ‘Every girl I was with, we only made out dead drunk. In the morning, they wouldn’t remember half the night, so they never questioned if we ended up doing something.’
‘The one thing I haven’t quite figured out is…why didn’t you do it with any of those?’
‘I wanted to be sober for my first time.’
She gets herself on her knees in front of me and asks, ‘Are you sober now?’
I nod and kiss her drug-like lips before sitting nearer the edge of the bed.
Both her hands pull down my yoga pants and panties in one go. I instinctively close my legs, but she puts her hands on my knees and opens them again.
Her face gets closer to me, disappearing between my legs. When something wet, hard, and with a rough texture touches my clit, I gasp, energy buzzing through my spine.
I close my eyes, allowing myself to enjoy every slide, touch, and movement. When her lips join the mix, followed by her fingers, every fragment of negativity or bad vibration leaves my body, making me feel closer to a higher dimension than any drug I’ve tried has.
I’ve always let my sexuality flow where it wanted. I’m not attracted by outer organs, but by the inside nature of a person. And at this moment, Sofía is all I’m attracted to.
Attracted to the small mole under her eye as she stares into my soul, attracted to all the parts of her body that she uses to pleasure me, and the ones that make her love me. Attracted to the soft hair touching my legs, the warm hands holding my thighs and the devious smile she has on now that she has tasted me.
Everything she’s doing is enough to make my heart beat faster than a Formula 1 race. My legs tremble more than an earthquake and the air slips out of my lungs as if I’m being drowned by the only sensation I feel: euphoria.
‘So, was it worth the wait?’ my girl asks.
‘Every bit of it.’ I open my eyes to watch her lie down next to me on the bed. ‘My turn,’ I say.
She chuckles as the back of her fingers caresses my cheek. ‘I’m okay. Seeing you was all the pleasure I needed for now.’
‘Are you sure?’ I ask.
‘I am. But don’t think you’re off the hook…I have so much I want to do with you.’ She winks.
‘Can you pass me the water bottle?’ I ask, and she lifts herself to grab the bottle on the nightstand near her. ‘Thank you.’
‘You and your big ass water bottle. You don’t go anywhere without it.’
I laugh and look at my three litre bottle. ‘I need to keep my water intake in check.’
‘Health freak,’ Sofía jokes.
‘Have you been drinking enough water? Are you using the reminder I installed on your phone?’ I take a sip of water and place it on the floor beside me.
‘Yes, mum.’
‘Good.’ I smile and wrap my arm around her, pulling her closer to me.
Her head lies on my chest as I look up at the projected clouds on the ceiling and play with her hair.
Serenity fills me as I picture my future. Seven-year-old Elisa couldn’t fathom dreaming of something as beautiful as my reality.