30. 서른 ‘seoreun’
My bedroom’s ceiling has been through multiple luminosity stages as I lay in my bed, gazing at it. Tonight’s events marked on my mind.
Not only tonight’s event, but him. He’s marked on my mind. The way his round, beautiful dark eyes weren’t so rounded as his desire shone through. The way he couldn’t stop staring at my lips, enticing my own desire to kiss him, for the second time.
It’s weird how this came out of nowhere. I’ve tried to pinpoint the moment I stopped seeing him simply as a friend, but I come out blank every time.
He came to me as a small splash in the ocean that as it went over it collected more water and grew, and when I finally saw it, it had grown so much that it drowned me.
During the film, I couldn’t concentrate on the plot. All I saw was him, and he saw me. Whenever I took a glimpse of him, he was already looking at me. I’m not even sure if he ended up watching the TV screen. We kept our distance, though. I sat next to Elisa on one end of the sofa and he sat on the opposite. We decided it was better because we were afraid of anyone seeing what we saw. The invisible fire that surrounded us, that tempted to burn us with its beautiful, yet extremely dangerous, flames.
The funny thing is that because of him, a day that I would have spent reminiscing about the past otherwise became a day to remember for all its good. Vance’s visit was shocking to say the least, and all the memories that it brought to the surface were overwhelming at best, but that one brief moment with Moon Hee overshadowed everything once again.
The more I think of him, the more my heart wants to burst, palpitating so hard as if it’s trying to leave my chest. My mind floods with every memory of him.
All the times he held me as I broke down, in a way no one else had ever done. I used to be alone in those moments, but suddenly someone that started as a stranger appeared in the background, ripping my bubble to hold my hand and tell me everything would be okay. And it was, because he was there.
A stranger that for some reason feels like someone I’ve known for years; someone that was dormant in the deeper parts of my heart and erupted like a volcano, covering it with lava.
The day has risen through my window and without checking the time, I give up on sleep, getting up to move to the kitchen. I went to bed earlier than the rest because I needed to calm my mind, which ended up backfiring on me, so it comes as a surprise when I walk to the living room to find two men sleeping.
I quickly return to the hall and peek in my flatmate’s room. The bed is made, and she’s nowhere to be seen.
What the hell happened after I left?
I walk to my room and grab my phone to check the time and see if she texted.
Ten past seven. And a message from three hours ago.
*Sleeping at Sofía’s. The guys fell asleep watching another film*
I place my phone back on the nightstand and when I go to turn on my door’s nob, a slight tap on the door comes through.
‘Lilah?’
His voice stops me midway. My heartbeat speeds up again, overriding all of my previous doubts and thoughts.
I open the door, grab his hand to pull him inside, and close it again.
He’s facing the window, the sunrise glimmering over his features. His eyes stare at me, pupils widening. I wonder if it’s from the light or because of me.
‘I heard you walking around,’ Moonie says.
‘It surprised me to see you sleeping there.’
‘Yeah, we fell asleep.’ He rubs his hand on the back of his head, tousling his silky black hair.
‘I couldn’t sleep.’ My eyes meet the floor, and I turn around to watch the sunlight. ‘So, I was going to bake something.’
‘Let’s do it.’ His hands brush my shoulders, landing as a feather on my skin.
My face turns to my right to find him gazing outside.
I walk back until my back meets his chest and his arms wrap around me, hugging me from behind. The warmth in his body transfers to mine, reaching places the sun can’t. We stand like this for a while, watching the bright light rise through the window until I say, ‘Let’s go.’
He unwraps me from his arms. ‘Thank god, I’m starving.’
I laugh, and he gives me a wink back, waking up the butterflies.
We enter the kitchen in silence. I place my index finger vertically on top of my lips, signalling to sound-asleep Elijah, and I grab the ingredients to make pancakes.
‘You can sit there while I make breakfast. This is fast,’ I say to Moon Hee.
He walks close behind me. ‘I would love to stay back and appreciate you wearing only that shirt, but I don’t know how much I would enjoy seeing Elijah’s eyes on you when he wakes up.’
I glance down at my white baggy shirt. I’m not used to having men around in the morning.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll grab you some pants,’ he says, leaving me to prepare our food.
While I’m mixing the pancake batter in a bowl, by hand as to not wake our guest up, the man that has been stirring all the emotions in me returns with black trackies.
‘I apologise in advance if I took anything out of place in your room, but I had to rummage through it a bit to find these.’
I chuckle. ‘It’s okay, thank you.’
I put on the pants and heat the pan.
‘The only vegan pancakes I’ve tasted were from when I made them for you,’ he says, looking at the batter. ‘I also never had any other dessert vegan before entering your shop, and I would have never guessed if you hadn’t told me. But I’m sure yours are way better than mine.’
‘Elisa loves it when I make them.’ I smile.
‘Oh, I believe it. You have magical hands in the kitchen.’
‘Not just in the kitchen.’ I lick the spoon of batter, my eyes fixated on his.
Moon Hee licks his bottom lip before one corner of his mouth lifts and when his breath brushes my ear, he whispers, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
That’s all I can think to do with him now.
The sizzling from the pan startles me, liberating my mind of those thoughts, at least for the time being.
He sits back on the table, and I finish the pancakes. As I’m plating them, a silhouette shows up on my left.
‘Yummy…What smells so good?’ Elijah says.
‘You’re up.’ Moonie states the obvious, eyes wide.
‘Yeah, the smell woke me up. I’m starving.’
‘Go sit then,’ I say, grabbing an extra plate for him.
‘ Kamsamnida (Thank you). This looks so delicious,’ Elijah says.
‘They’re delicious,’ Moonie says.
I smile at them and satisfy half my cravings. The other half are sitting next to me, and I’m not sure if we’re ready to tackle them.
‘Are you feeling better?’ Elijah asks me, pouring syrup over his pancakes.
‘Yes, thank you for asking.’
Moon Hee’s possessiveness surprises me. I didn’t take him for that type of person, but the glare he’s giving Elijah makes it crystal clear. I never noticed his reactions before, so I don’t know if this is something new or not.
I reach my hand under the table to his and squeeze it gently. His gaze turns to me and I give him a soft smile.
‘Elisa and I are going to the arcade today. Do you want to join us?’ he asks.
‘Hmm…I’m not in the mood to go out today,’ I say.
‘So, both introverts stay.’ He chuckles, lifting another bite to his mouth.
‘Why aren’t you going?’ I ask Moon Hee.
‘I’m also in the mood to stay home.’
We’re both staying behind. Alone.
Is this a sign?
Don’t be stupid, Delilah, you stay behind all the time. Why would this time be any different?
I’ll stay in my house, and he’ll stay in his. That’s it. Nothing more.
I sense his gaze on me while I murder my pancakes by poking on them with my fork.
‘Should I come over later?’ he whispers to me.
My fork drops and my eyes look back and forth between him and his flatmate, who’s distracted by scrolling through his phone. I lift my eyebrows and point with my eyes to him, as if telling him, ‘Are you crazy? What if he heard you?’ but he only smirks at me.
I’d never seen him smirk before, and it’s happened twice today already. There’s a whole new side of him I’m unfamiliar with, and deep down I’m eager to discover it.
Once the boys leave, I embark on a frenzy of cleaning, scrubbing every surface in sight. From the ceiling to the floor, this house gleams with cleanliness. Baking is my go-to remedy for stress, but I wouldn’t say I’m feeling stressed at the moment. Faced with a cluttered mind, I tackle the task of cleaning the house, hoping it will bring some mental order as well.
Not long ago, I ended things with Elijah, and even though he took it well, I still know how he feels about me. Moon Hee is his best friend, and I’m afraid us together would hurt him.
Elisa left to meet Elijah a few hours ago, and there has been no sign of Moon Hee. Maybe he was joking before about coming here.
I sit on the sofa, nodding to myself. I guess it’s for the best.
I reach for the remote and zap through the channels. Nothing sparks my interest, so I stand up once more. I walk to my room and glance around at something to do, but there’s nothing out of place.
Daldust.
That’s right, I picked up a letter yesterday before I went to the bakery. With everything, it completely slipped my mind.
I go through my bag in search of the letter and when I find it, I sit at my desk to read.
“Dear Delilah,
It seems like you’ve been through a lot relationships-wise. I’m glad you know your worth now and that you have people you trust, people who love you.
After that girl I tried dating, but nothing ever lasted because she was always on my mind.
Are you interested in someone now? If it’s okay to ask, of course.
You got me curious and you already know I’m interested in someone ;)
Yours truly,
Daldust”
I do have people who I trust and love. That’s so foreign to me. It has been only me since my Nana died. She was the one and only form of love I knew in my childhood. I’ve had fleeting love, but nothing compared until now. I found people I know I can count on, where we’ll be there for each other, to support and cheer.
This might sound weird, but I know I’ve known Elisa for the longest time and she’s been the closest form of love I had, but somehow these past months we’ve gotten even closer. Perhaps it was me who learned how to let people in, perhaps we both grew in ways we hadn’t before. Either way, I can’t wait to see where the future takes us because this friendship still has a long course to go.
“Honestly, I am.
But I’m scared to fuck up our friendship.
I’m just so grateful to have him in my life. To be able to talk with him without any insecurities. He’s one of the few people that can relax me and increase my happiness.
You said you lost her because you realised your feelings too late and didn’t tell her about them.
I’m learning from your mistakes. I don’t want to regret my life and not be able to have a relationship because he’s always on my mind. So I’m going to tell him soon. I’m just gathering the courage to expose myself in that way.
And isn’t it about time I get to know your real name?
Delilah”
We seem to have an unspoken connection, clear from everything that has transpired, but until we voice our feelings, it remains a mirage within my thoughts. Uttering those words will bring them to life, and I’m not sure if I desire that reality.
Not that I don’t fantasise about it, but I dread all the consequences that might come with it. As I wrote to Daldust, I’m scared to fuck up our friendship, not just mine and Moon Hee’s, but the group’s. I don’t want to unbalance our energy.
I fold the letter and place it in an envelope, saving it in my purse, so when Monday arrives, I can send it.
When I step out of my bedroom, a loud thump sounds on the flat’s exit door. I turn my attention to it and go check what’s on the other side. My hand lifts the little black peephole cover, but all I see is the top of a head.
‘Who’s there?’ I ask.
‘Moon Hee.’ The voice outside sounds strenuous.
I open the door to find my front-door neighbour picking the lid of a pot off the floor.
He looks at me and chuckles. ‘ Ottoke haeya hanayo … (What do I do…) I hit the pot on the door when I went to knock and the lid fell down.’
I smile and grab the pot away from him. ‘Come in. What is this?’
‘Just some seaweed soup I made,’ he says, closing the door behind him.
‘But it’s not my birthday.’ I’ve always seen them make that soup on someone’s birthday.
‘I know. I just had the ingredients and wanted to do something home-cooked for you, especially after the wonderful pancakes you fed us for breakfast.’ He’s the only man who can make me question every previous thought I had when I was alone.
‘Thank you.’ I walk to the cabinet and take out two soup bowls. ‘Let’s eat while it’s still warm.’
He nods and sits across from me at our little dining table.
‘I was beginning to think you were joking about coming here,’ I say.
‘If there’s one thing you need to learn about me, it’s is that I never joke when it comes to you, Delilah.’
A thousand sun rays involve my heart as those words leave his mouth. ‘What else do I need to learn about you?’
‘Whatever you want. For you, I’m an open book.’
‘Why did you recently start calling me Delilah?’ He’s the only one who does it, everyone else always calls me Lilah. My Nana was the only one who used my full name.
‘It’s funny, but I didn’t know you were Delilah until recently because everyone calls you Lilah all the time. Why is that?’
‘Oh…’ I reminisce about kindergarten times. ‘When I was young, there was another Delilah in my class and my parents refused to have me be common , so they began calling me Lilah, saying to everyone it was a variation coming from lilac, a colour that is sweet, endearing, and welcoming. That’s why my grandmother called me Sweet Delilah and why I named it my bakery. In her honour and because that’s how I want people to feel as they walk into it.’
‘My lovely lilac,’ he says, reaching his hand to my face, wiping a tear I didn’t notice.
‘Sorry, I tend to tear up every time I think about her.’
‘She must have been a wonderful person to have raised such an incredible woman as you.’ There is no one besides him and Daldust who understands me so well. Him even more, as he can see through my eyes, deep into my soul.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this,’ I say, standing up from the table and walking into the living room.
‘Lilah, wait!’ He rushes after me. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘I can’t do this.’ I point between us.
He holds my hands near his chest. ‘Why not?’
I stare down at the ground, avoiding his gaze. If he saw my eyes, he could tell right away.
‘Talk to me,’ he says, leading me to the sofa.
We sit down next to each other, hands warming one another. I watch the pot on the counter from across the room and sigh.
‘I don’t want to make it awkward between us and Elijah. He’s your best friend and I know he has feelings for me.’
‘I understand.’ One of his hands lets go of mine, moving to my chin and pulling it towards him. ‘I also know how he feels about you, but he knows how I feel, too.’
My eyes, which had been avoiding him, lock with his in a heartbeat. ‘He does?’
‘Yes, before the two of us got any closer, he and I spoke. He knew I would be speaking to you soon. It was sooner than expected, but I guess it was when it needed to be.’
‘For today, can we just talk?’ I ask.
‘I would love nothing else,’ he says. ‘Now let’s go eat the soup before it goes cold.’
I nod and we move to the table once more.
Time with Moon Hee slips through my fingers like grains of sand, impossible to hold on to. Ever since our first encounter, I’ve realised that everything else pales in comparison, as he becomes the sole focus of my attention.
The room grew darker as our conversations flowed, K-Drama episodes played, and we indulged in snacks. The peculiar thing is that the same peacefulness I feel when I’m alone, engrossed in my passions, is mirrored in his presence, only heightened by the knowledge that I’ll never feel alone again.