CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER NINE
This was the woman who would become his queen. This woman who was more interested in the cockpit of the plane than the private bedroom.
“I… Yes,” he said, looking at her as if she had grown another head.
“What?”
“I’ve brought other women on this plane, and they are not usually interested in the cockpit.”
“Don’t talk to me about other women,” she said, looking annoyed. “You show me the cockpit.”
“All right,” he said. Declining to make the joke about how they usually wanted to see half of that word anyway.
It occurred to him as he brought her in to view the state-of-the-art instruments and plush chair that she really was irked that he had mentioned other women. She wasn’t just being funny, or playing up again. She was less experienced than the other women he had been with, and he had to be a little bit more careful. He wasn’t used to that. He was used to people like him, who saw sex as a game.
But Stevie clearly didn’t. Which meant…
He had never imagined a marriage where he was…monogamous. Many people thought that it was an outdated concept, which really was a return to the way people had often conducted themselves in the air of dynastic marriages.
Monogamy was, in his opinion, the bastion of the middle class.
But his future wife was middle-class.
He was suddenly agog at that.
“Can I sit for a moment?”
“Go right ahead,” he said.
She sat in the captain’s chair, stroking the yoke lovingly, and he thought she had only just looked this excited when they made love.
“The royal advisors will probably have issues with a princess who wishes to fly,” he said.
She looked at him fiercely. “Flying is part of who I am.”
“I understand that. Though, they may not wish you to fly me.”
“Oh, why? Because I crashed with you just the once?”
“Maybe.”
They went back to the seating area of the plane, and settled in. And he thought now might be the correct time to broach the topic of fidelity.
“I do not mind if you take other lovers,” he said.
She went visibly red. “Well, I mind,” she said. “And I wouldn’t want you to.”
“I see.”
“What?”
“I had thought that might be the case.”
“That I would have an issue with my… My husband sleeping with other women? That seems pretty par for the course.”
“Not for people like me.”
“Well, I’m people like me. I want… I don’t want you going around being with other people. I don’t want you to lie to me. Or trick me.”
“A marriage is very long,” he said. “Who knows what you want in the future. Perhaps you will crave some adventure.”
“Then I’ll go fly a plane in an ice storm in Montana. I’m not especially amped for adventure at the moment.”
“You have had a lot of it lately.”
“I never really saw flying as an adventure before,” she said. “My dad was a pilot. Before everything went wrong.”
“Before your mother died?”
“Yes,” she said.
He wondered what that was like. To have experienced a loss like that, but not to be haunted by the specter of the person.
Not to know whether or not she could come back. It was a whole different situation from what had happened with him, and objectively a bigger tragedy. And yet in some ways he did think she might be right. It might be easier to reconcile. Because at least then nobody chose to leave you.
And they couldn’t come back when they felt like it.
Couldn’t reinjure you, reopen the wound.
You’d have no one to flaunt your lifestyle at, no one to fight with even when they weren’t there.
“Your father didn’t recover from that?”
“No.”
“In many ways, I don’t think my father recovered from my mother’s betrayal.”
“Did he develop a debilitating drinking habit?”
“No,” he said. “My father became more of what he was. Ruthless. Firm and controlled. Not cruel, not in any regard. When I say he’s ruthless, I mean with himself. If there have ever been other women since my mother, I have not borne witness to it. Neither has the nation. My father took all the transgressions of my mother inside of himself, and turned them into honor.”
“Like he was doing his best to neutralize them. To counter them.”
“And what is your father going to think of me?”
“He was not best pleased with my decision,” he said. “But I’m never going to be the King that my father is. And what I need in a wife is different than what he seems to think I need. Because I need differently than what he does.”
“Of course I actually know who you are,” she said. “I didn’t ever follow tabloid stories about you, but I know of you. By reputation. It seems to me that you would want a wife who is as worldly as you are. Sophisticated. Well-traveled.”
“You’re a pilot. You aren’t well-traveled?”
“I fly one route across the country, and anyway, I meant that as a euphemism for sex . Because I’ve only ever had sex with you.”
He felt that like a gut punch. He had never considered that she had been a virgin when he had taken her so roughly in the plane. And now he felt… He felt something that was strangely like guilt, and guilt wasn’t something that he was accustomed to.
“You… You had never had a lover before?”
“When would I have had the time? I was busy. Taking care of my family, working, I… You know, I never especially wanted to be in a relationship. Not after what I saw happen with my father. I don’t ever want to love somebody so much that losing them makes me lose all of myself. My father was never a cruel drunk, Adonis.” She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t know how I feel about that name.”
“Nobody does. But it grows on you.”
“Does it?”
“No,” he said.
“Anyway, my dad was just sad. He was sad, and he couldn’t ever find himself again. I never want that. It’s hard enough to lose somebody. Hard enough to go through grief let alone when it’s…your person. The one that holds you up. I never wanted to be dependent on someone else to hold me up. It’s impractical.”
“I don’t disagree. Though I come at it from a slightly different direction. Human beings are liars. And whatever they say, it is to accomplish their immediate goals. I don’t see myself ever having enough faith in another person to feel the way my father once did about my mother.”
“It’s all the same, really. Love is just too expensive.”
“Indeed,” he said. He looked at her proud profile. She was a strange little creature. She seemed to be soft skin stretched over bones of steel. She had supported so much, carried so much for so long, and it was apparent in the way she held herself now. The way she vowed with her words to never depend on another person. It was a good thing. Because he needed her to be strong. And because no other person had ever depended on him, and he would hate for her to be the first one.
“You probably know most especially that I shouldn’t be counted on.”
“You’re going to lead a whole country. Is that what you’re going to tell your people?”
He smiled. “No. But I think we can both agree that perhaps being depended on to be a symbol, and being depended on as a spouse are two different things.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about me.”
“I’ve been through a plane crash with you, Stevie. I’m not especially worried.”
As they took off, she looked out the window, her expression resolute. “I love flying,” she said. “Because it’s about freedom.”
“Is it?” he asked.
“For me it is.”
“And you need freedom, don’t you? From the burden of family?”
She looked at him, her expression fierce. “I would never call my family a burden.”
“Love can be a burden,” he said.
Unfortunately he knew that from experience. If he didn’t love his mother, then there wouldn’t be a problem that she had left.
The scorched earth left behind by love was something he was all too familiar with.
“The crown is a burden. Having to marry and produce children is a burden. And I do it. It’s even something that I want to do, in some ways.”
“What’s your point?”
“It doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.”
“Family isn’t heavy.”
“That just isn’t true. How long has it been since you’ve done anything for yourself?”
“A life spent serving your own self is an empty life. Surely you must feel that.”
“I don’t. What I feel is that life can be brutal and short. And if you can obtain pleasure, then you ought to.”
“Is that what I was? Your response to the short brutality of life?”
“Yes. But I was the same for you.”
Her cheeks went pink. “I didn’t want to die a virgin. Who does?”
“Nuns, I would think. If you don’t die a virgin, you kind of lost the game.”
“Very funny. I’m not a nun, anyway. And I wanted a little something nice. But that was different.”
“Different for you than for me?”
“A little bit,” she said. “I wanted something I hadn’t experienced before. You just wanted a little bit more.”
“What if I told you that it was different?”
She frowned. “I wouldn’t believe you. Because how could I be different than anyone else?”
“You can be. Because you’re you. I’ve never met anyone like you.”
“Because you’ve never met a feral girl from the mountains.”
“I haven’t, it’s true. Stevie, I really do think that you’re going to bring something valuable to the country.”
“Well. I’m very good at being valuable.” She shook her head. “Just don’t act like you’re invested in reducing my burden when in fact you just want to hand me a new one. And I’m taking it. I’m taking it because my father has very valid worries about our future. I’m taking it because… I am tired. Does that make you happy? I’m abandoning my own principles, about hard work, and about self-sacrifice, because I’m tired. If I miss work, then we might lose our house. If I can’t do my job then I don’t know what’s going to happen to us. We don’t have a safety net. And all right, it’s true. That is a burden. It is a terrible burden, and I am tired of carrying it. So you got me. I want to carry something with the other arm. But it doesn’t mean I’m not carrying something.”
“I don’t want this to be a bad thing for you. I don’t want you to be hurt.”
“But you don’t care if I’m happy.”
“I think you and I both know that happiness often doesn’t come into it, does it?”
She looked at him for a long moment. “No. I don’t suppose it does.”
* * *
She had never been to Europe, and she had never dreamed of being anywhere as beautiful as Olympus. It was a crown jewel, set into the center of a crystalline sea. Absolutely glorious in every single way.
She forgot about the things she was angry about. She forgot about the downsides of this arrangement. She forgot about the conflicted feeling that she was carrying around in her chest. Especially when she saw the white spires of the glorious palace.
She had never dreamed of a place like this. It was like something out of a Disney film. It didn’t seem real.
And yet it was.
The plane landed on an airstrip very near the palace, and a gorgeous, well-appointed car whisked by to get them. Then they drove up the smooth, white road that brought them to that gilded palace.
Even the gates were gold.
They opened slowly as the car approached, and she thought she might be blinded by the gleaming brightness of the palace before them.
“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” she said.
“Yes,” he said, his voice filled with wonder, as if he had never truly considered it before. “It is quite beautiful.”
“You grew up here?”
He nodded. “Yes I did. It was a wonderful place to be a child. So close to the ocean. And, of course, even in bad weather—which we rarely have here—there are so many places to run and hide inside the palace. A small boy’s dream.”
They would have small children. It was an overwhelming thing to think about. She still hadn’t quite accepted that she… That she’d said yes.
But it was just too compelling of an offer to refuse, especially in light of what her father had said to her. But almost even more so, was the reality that if she didn’t marry him, someone else would. If she didn’t have his babies, then there would be another princess in line to do so. And part of her, a petty, feminine part of her that she had never known existed before, simply couldn’t cope with that.
He had chosen her, and part of her felt renewed by that. Proud of it. She felt… Well, she felt special. And maybe that was ridiculous. Because she still wasn’t 100 percent entirely clear on why he had chosen her, but it was no matter. He had.
He had chosen her, and something about that soothed something inside of her that she hadn’t known was wounded.
Because she took care of her family out of necessity. She hadn’t been selected to do it because she was especially strong, especially brave or especially special.
She had been thrust into that position. Because there was no one else. Because of her age.
She was important, but it really had nothing to do with her. She had risen to it. To the challenge. But… She wondered very much if she truly mattered at all. And that was a difficult thing to contend with. She didn’t often think like that. But he could’ve chosen anyone.
Or, you just happened to be the person he got in a plane crash with, and you saved his life.
At least it was something she had done.
Like crash the plane?
She was getting annoyed with that little voice inside of her. Because it was being a snarly jerk.
When they pulled up to the front of the palace, her door was opened for her immediately. There were ten attendants there just suddenly. And everyone looked happy to see her.
“You are Stevie Parker,” one of the women said, walking forward, the expression on her face elated. “My name is Miriam. I’m going to be your lady’s maid. We are so excited to have you here. So excited that you’re marrying the Prince.”
“Oh,” she said.
She hadn’t even given a thought to the fact that people might know about the arrangement.
“Of course the staff knows,” he said. “It has not been announced yet to the broader world, but it will be soon. Everyone here keeps the strict confidence of the royal family.”
“Indeed,” said one of the men. “I’m Johannes. I’m the advisor to the Prince, and will also act as concierge for you, should you need anything from outside the palace.”
“He’s very good at his job,” said Adonis.
And as she was swept into the palace, she felt it was not dissimilar to how it had felt when the plane was falling out of the sky. And her thought then had been that she was very regretful that she was dying without being taken care of.
But here… Here she was being taken care of. Being offered whatever she wanted? A lady’s maid?
And she felt guilty. Guilty that there was part of her that was enjoying this. Guilty that there was part of her that even wanted it.
Because it made her feel soft and silly. Like she was doing this for herself, and not for everyone else. She had told him that it was because she was tired, but was she? Was she simply self-indulgent?
She had been. She had been when she had slept with him when they had been stranded out there. She had done such a terrible job of reining in her baser desires. The desire for softness. The desire to be coddled. The desire to be held.
All of that was coming up now.
Had he made her so addicted to his touch, to his general pleasure seeking, that she had so easily given in to this? And she had told herself that it was all in aid of being a bigger help to her family?
But then, she didn’t have time to contemplate it.
“I am off to see to some business,” Adonis said. “Miriam will look after you.”
Which was how she found herself being whisked through gleaming halls with the other woman just in front of her.
“I can’t wait for you to see your room,” she said cheerfully. “It’s stunning. Adonis had it outfitted in a way he thought you would like.”
How would Adonis even know what she would like?
It didn’t make any sense to her. Miriam opened gilded double doors, to reveal a bedroom that was so airy, so light, so soft, she could scarcely breathe. It was all shades of blue. The colors of the sky.
Soft layered fabrics on the bed, around the bed, acting as a canopy.
Simply glorious. Everything was soft and indulgent, and nothing like the cabin. And yet, somehow, it was her. Entirely.
She didn’t know how he had figured that out. Or maybe it was a lie. Maybe he hadn’t been the one to decorate the room at all, but it was…wonderful.
“I will draw you a bath,” Miriam said. “You must be tired after the journey. There will be a dinner tonight in your honor.”
“Oh,” she said.
“And I know your family is due to arrive tomorrow.”
“Are they? That’s the first I’ve heard about it.”
“Yes. Everything is being prepared for them. Your sisters will all have their own rooms.”
She felt…stunned by that. And whatever the reasoning behind her agreeing to this, she knew resolutely that she had made the right choice. Because all of her sisters would be getting something so wonderful out of it. And her dad would be getting peace of mind.
“Your father will have medical staff on hand to see to his needs. And he will have a room with everything he could possibly want.”
“I’m… I’m still quite stunned about all this.”
“I think it’s wonderful,” said Miriam. “That the Prince has chosen to marry someone who’s more like… More like all of us. Someone who knows what it means to work and to struggle.”
She nodded. “I do. And when I am princess, I promise you, I won’t forget about it. I promise that I will advocate for all of you.”
“We’re lucky. We have good leaders. But… How can royalty ever really know what it’s like for normal people?”
She shook her head. “They can’t.”
And she made a vow then and there that she would never forget what it was to be a normal person. Even amid all the silk, and all the finery.
The bath that was drawn for her was amazing. The water was scented, the tub itself sunken into the floor, and placed next to a window, which offered incredible views of the sea. She loved Montana. But of course… It wasn’t by the ocean. And this was extraordinary.
When she got out of the bath, there was a beautiful dress laid out on the bed waiting for her. And once she had put it on, she was… She was ambushed by a team of people who did her hair and makeup.
When she was done, she didn’t recognize the stranger in the mirror. Her eyes looked brighter, her skin perfection. Her hair was tamed in a way she was certainly never able to manage on her own.
And when she was ushered into the dining room, she didn’t know what she expected, but it hadn’t been…him.
Resplendent in a suit, the table set just for the two of them.
“I thought that it was meant to be a welcome dinner,” she said.
“It is,” he said. “But I felt as if it wouldn’t be fair to spring my father on you just yet. Or indeed, a significant crowd.”
She was quite tired. Though she felt like she was in a dream, which made it difficult to really say how she felt.
“I hope that the menu is to your liking,” he said.
And as if on command, the doors opened. Servers came in with trays heavily laden with plates. And the food that was set before them was a culinary adventure like she had never seen before. Yet again, she felt…a sense of deep happiness. Excitement over this life that she found herself thrust into. She hadn’t expected this. And on the heels of that excitement came guilt yet again.
Because she had fancied herself more stalwart than this. She had not imagined that she would be a person who would be so easily impressed by the soft and finer things in life. And yet here she was, simpering over soft fabrics and lovely food.
And just for a moment she decided to let herself enjoy it. Because she was here. Because the decision was already made. Because he was glorious, and because the meal looked good.
And why should she fight it? Why should she fight it when she had already decided?
“You look like you’re waging a war inside your head,” he said.
“I’m not continuing to,” she said. “I promise. I might even relax and enjoy this.”
“Have you ever relaxed and enjoyed anything?”
“Not as a matter of course.”
He chuckled. “Oh, Stevie.”
“Hard work is the most valued thing in my family. It’s the thing that keeps us all going. My dad built his cargo transport business from the ground up. My mom… She raised animals for food at the homestead, she planted a garden, she made bread, she was… She was everything. Everything to everybody.”
“And somehow you ended up doing both her job and his job.”
“Well, I let the farm animals go. Frankly, that wasn’t my calling.”
“Yes,” he said.
“But yes. I did. I did end up doing all of that.”
“And so perhaps you should not be filled with so much consternation over a change in fortune.”
“I don’t trust it,” she said. “Respectfully.”
“I guess you have no reason to trust me. Though, as you pointed out, I was your first lover.”
She looked up at him, trying to keep from blushing. “Yes. Though, you shouldn’t be quite so full of yourself about that. It’s really because I never had the opportunity before.”
“You do know how to make a man feel special.”
“Well, why does it need to be special for you? I’m certain that you deflowered half a dozen virgins in the last week alone.”
“There has been no one since you, Stevie. And no virgins ever. I’m a rake. We don’t go after virgins. It’s kind of antithetical to the whole rake code.”
“I didn’t realize that a rake had a code,” she said.
“I do,” he said. “And it’s one I take quite seriously. Because… You know who my mother is?”
She scrunched up her face, and tried to remember what she had read about Adonis’s mother. “She’s an actress, isn’t she?”
“You really are charmingly unconcerned with popular culture.”
“You really are quite full of yourself that you define yourself as popular culture.”
He laughed. “Perhaps not me, but definitely my mother. She’s Lana Andrews.”
“Oh,” she said. “She was quite famous in the nineties.”
“She would throw herself at a window if she heard you say that. I would like to be there to watch.”
“Well, it’s true. I mean she was on posters and the like.”
“Yes. After she left my father. She was somewhat famous beforehand, but of course becoming a princess raised her cachet. She gave birth to me, and she decided that sitting around in Olympus was not what brought her joy. So she decided to return to Hollywood. And my father said she could not be the Queen and an actress.”
“Like you don’t want me to be a princess and a pilot.”
“No,” he said. “I can’t say I especially do.”
“But your mother wasn’t happy. Losing her identity, I mean.”
“Her identity?”
“She was an actress. And perhaps she thought she could give it up, but maybe she couldn’t.”
“You are giving an awful lot of credit to a woman who typically plays the part of villain in my backstory,” he said.
“I mean I can understand why. A mother who leaves her child is difficult for anyone to root for. But… I know what it’s like to love something. A job. To have it be part of you.” She looked at him. “You don’t know what that’s like, do you?”
He frowned. “I perhaps know what that’s like more than anyone. I am going to be king of Olympus one day. My job is born into my blood. There is no argument to be made or had about it. It simply is. I simply am.”
“Well, don’t you suppose that can be true for an actress, or a pilot?”
“Perhaps. But then, she made a choice. You made a choice to become my wife.”
“True.”
“You would never abandon our children.”
“Of course not,” she said. Then she looked down. “Though I hope that if I am extraordinarily miserable with the work that I’m doing here you will help me figure out a way to be less miserable rather than being rigid.”
“It just wasn’t befitting of a queen that she continue working in Hollywood.”
“Who decides those things? It seems to me that we often make our own snares.”
She was familiar with that. She had, after all, stepped into this one willingly.
But if his father wanted his mother quite so badly, then why hadn’t he been able to find a compromise?
Of course, if she had wanted to marry the King, and have his child, why hadn’t she figured out some compromise work-around?
It seemed to her like they had both willingly taken the most damaging option and gone at it.
She wasn’t an expert in that kind of thing, but she had a mother who hadn’t chosen to leave, and a father who would’ve done anything to keep her with him.
“My father would have given my mother the moon if it would’ve kept her with him,” she said, not entirely meaning to say it out loud.
“But my father is not just a man. He is a king.”
“What does he think about you? And the way that you live.”
“He despises it. But it is not so simple for him to remove me from my position. There is no spare.”
“So he can make compromises.”
“I quite like your honesty, Stevie,” he said. “Your forthrightness was one of the things I enjoyed about you when we were stuck in the mountains. But if you say things like that when you meet my father, you may find yourself at odds.”
“And will he tell you that you can’t marry me?”
“I cannot be told.”
“Ah. I see.”
He scowled. And she couldn’t help but be amused by how boyish he looked then.
She took a bite of the steak in front of her, and nearly melted beneath the table. It was so glorious.
“This is wonderful.”
This was so strange. It wasn’t like a plane crashed into a remote mountainside was her domain, but it was certainly more hers than his.
He had always been a man in possession of power, it was unquestionable. She had seen it from the first. But here, in this vast place where she felt small, not in the way the wilderness made her feel small, he seemed to expand.
There was nothing here he wasn’t in command of. Different, she thought, than when they had been at the mercy of the elements.
He was at the mercy of nothing.
She didn’t know why but it made her feel sad. Because it was as if he was an entirely different man from the one that she had first kissed. From the one that she had made love to. But this was the man that she had agreed to marry, in this place that was so wholly foreign to her, foreign in a way that had nothing to do with language or food or location.
She felt disoriented for a moment. It was impossible to figure out exactly how she had gotten here.
How she was on the verge of becoming a wife, which was big and difficult to try and wrap her head around all on its own. But it was more than that. It was being a wife. Being a princess. Princesses might as well have been unicorns to her growing up in Montana. The stuff of myth and legend, and entirely not real.
She swallowed hard. “When is that… When exactly are we…”
“Next month. We will announce the engagement shortly, and we will keep it brief. It’s for the best. I was prepared to marry Drusilla after all, only two weeks ago, and it is time for me to fulfill that obligation. My father will not live much longer.”
She felt like she had been punched. “Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t realize.”
“I didn’t tell you. Why should you realize?”
“I am very sorry. I didn’t realize he was not well.”
“He has been. For some time. It doesn’t matter how much money you have sometimes. If disease is going to ravage you, then it will.”
“I suppose,” she said. “Although, I only know it from the other side. Where medical bills make living hard for everyone else too. But I guess in the end… It’s all the same.”
“I suppose in the end we are all the same,” he said. “That’s a bleak thought.”
She shrugged. “Is it bleak? Or is it just one of those immutable truths? The kind that actually makes people feel a little bit closer, rather than like we are completely different species. I would rather know that we’re made of the same stuff. Flesh and blood and bone.”
“And I would rather be immortal. But… I had to face the fact that I was not, only recently.”
“Yeah. I felt that one too.”
For a moment, they smiled at each other, and it felt familiar. She wanted to call him Clem.
Yeah. She had spent a few days in the snow with a prince. And they had felt the same.
And now she was in his palace, and she really didn’t. She was sorry, though, about his father.
“So we’re both losing our dads, then.”
He nodded. “Another thing that serves as a reminder that we perhaps have more in common than we don’t.”
“Well, I wish we didn’t have that in common.”
“Tomorrow,” he said, his body language signaling an abrupt change of subject, “you will begin etiquette lessons.”
“Is my family arriving?”
He shrugged. “Yes. But you lived with them until only recently, it isn’t as though you have been long separated. And believe me, they will settle in just fine. In fact, your sisters will probably stay holed up in their rooms for weeks. What they have prepared for them is incredible.”
She frowned. “Don’t speak like you know my sisters.”
“They are about to become mine,” he said.
“Is that how you will see them? As your family?”
“Whether or not you believe it, I did choose you for a reason. And it wasn’t just PR.”
“But it is a lot PR. Because you like the way that we will look to your citizens.”
“Yes. I do. But I also think you’re going to add something of value to me. As you said, people, humans, we are all the same. But we have very different experiences that often make us feel as if we don’t. As if we aren’t. I am hoping that you will help me with my blind spots.”
That made her feel…better. She wondered if he knew that it would.
Because that made her feel as if she had earned the position. It was the work she had done before that made her valuable now. The life that she had lived was what made her valuable.
“Well. I hope I can do that.”
“You must be exhausted,” he said abruptly.
“I am.”
“Why don’t you go to sleep. I will have some cake and tea sent to your room, if you would like something sweet before you turn in.”
She wasn’t sure if he was being kind, or if he was dismissing her directly. She decided it didn’t matter.
“Thank you.”
And when she lay down in that bed, and actually went to sleep, she didn’t feel any more like she was dreaming than she had been when she was awake.