Chapter 3
Ava
“I can’t get sick, Ava. I can’t afford to miss work! You should keep her. I’ll take August, and you can keep Zoe.”
I’m glad we’re talking on the phone instead of in person because I don’t have to hold back my eyeroll.
My ex-husband isn’t a bad man, but he can be selfish.
Of course he’s not concerned about my health or if I would have to skip work if I got sick.
Only him. I’ve already reassured him Zoe is in the clear, and she’s no longer contagious.
She’s just tired and needs to rest for a few more days, but he’s not hearing it.
“Shea, she’s not contagious. I didn’t get sick, and we were in close quarters during the thick of it. She wants to see you, and it would be unfair of you to take Gus but not her.”
A loud sigh comes from the phone, and he grumbles something unintelligible underneath his breath. “Fine. I was going to introduce them to Alisa this weekend, but I guess I’ll wait. I don’t want her getting sick.”
Thank God.
Alisa is Shea’s new girlfriend. She’s not…
bad, but I feel like they’re moving fast. She’s twenty-three and works as a dental hygienist. It’s how they met.
Shea went in for a cleaning, and they hit it off.
They’ve been dating for a month, but I guess they’re already serious, especially if she wants to meet the kids.
I’m apprehensive to let Zoe and Gus meet her in case they break up, but Shea’s been pushing the topic.
It’s not that I don’t want Shea to get married again or want the kids to have another parental figure to show them love—it’s more like I feel as though I’m falling behind.
Why is it so easy for him to date again?
He’s dated a few people since our divorce was finalized. None of them were serious until now.
I’ve been on two dates in the entire two years, and both of them sucked. I was anxious the whole time. I guess single dads are more charming than single moms.
Or maybe my heart is hung up on a certain brown eyed best friend of mine, so dating anyone else is unappealing.
Who knows?
“Sorry to ruin your plans. If you want to trade weekends or take them out on a weekday, you know I’m happy to move the schedule around.”
“It’s fine. I’ll see you in an hour to pick them up.”
“See you then.”
I blow out a breath when the call ends, then walk out of my room to find Gus building a garage with magnetic tiles while Zoe lies on the couch, watching Moana.
I sit next to Zoe, and she scoots herself up so her head is in my lap. “We going to Daddy’s today?” she asks.
“Yeah, pretty girl. You, Daddy, and Gus are going to have a nice relaxing weekend. Maybe Grandma Jan will come over for a visit.”
Zoe nods, her attention already back on the TV.
I run my fingers through her soft blond strands. She got her hair color from her dad, while Gus got his from me. His thick chestnut hair is getting long enough to cover his eyes, and I make a mental note to give him a trim next weekend—if he’ll let me.
So much to do, so little time.
I timed the movie perfectly so when the end credits roll, the doorbell rings. Gus jumps up from his spot and follows me to greet his dad
When I open the door for my ex-husband, I do what I always do when I see him: I try to find the spark of attraction I used to feel. The butterflies that would erupt in my stomach when I would look at him. But I don’t find any of it.
All I see is the same bright blond hair and blue eyes he and Zoe share, and the nose almost identical to Gus’s. He’s older, more refined than the boy I fell for at eighteen, but the feelings I had are no longer there.
It’s as scary as it is relieving. It makes me wonder if I ever loved him the way I should have or if I was pressured into it because of how I was raised.
I’ll forever be grateful for my kids, but I feel like I missed out on some defining years.
Because I got married so young, I never got to experience life the way most people do in their early twenties.
I never went out dancing with friends or drinking on my twenty-first birthday.
I don’t think Shea and I had a honeymoon phase like other couples.
We coexisted and had sex when he was in the mood.
We never had the “can’t keep our hands off each other” excitement like most couples do.
“Hi, Daddy!”
Shea smiles as Gus jumps into his arms. “Hey, bud. You ready for a fun weekend?”
“Yep! Zoe was sick, but now she’s better. Just tired. We’re supposed to help her rest.”
“Got it. I thought we could build a fort and have a movie day tomorrow. How does that sound?”
“Fun! Do we have to go to church on Sunday? I don’t want to. I think we should stay home since Zoe is sick.”
Shea gives me an exasperated look, but I just shrug. He knows my stance on the church, and if he wants to fight with them every other Sunday to sit still for two hours, then it’s his choice.
Shea sighs. “We’ll see how Zoe is feeling. Why don’t you get your bag?”
“Okay!” Gus runs to his room, and Shea comes in so I can close the door.
“You can’t keep doing this, Ava. You can’t keep bad-mouthing the church to him. He’s six,” Shea scolds quietly.
“You’re right, he’s six. He has questions, and I answer them in as neutral of a way as possible. He doesn’t need to blindly follow everything he’s taught. That’s not the kind of person I want to raise.”
This isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation, and I’m sure it won’t be the last, especially since Gus is less than two years away from being at the “age of accountability,” and Shea will want him to be baptized.
I’m not looking forward to that particular conversation or the battle which will inevitably ensue.
I’m saved from further conversation by Zoe padding over to Shea and holding her arms up for him.
“Hey, baby girl. You feeling better?”
Zoe nods.
“I’ll go grab her bag so you can get home before traffic gets too bad.”
I run into the kids’ shared room, once again wishing I could afford a bigger apartment so everyone could have their own space.
Shea still lives in our three-bedroom townhome in Draper, and I envy him for it.
I couldn’t afford the mortgage on my salary, so I let him keep it to make sure the kids have somewhere familiar.
Once I grab Zoe’s bag and help Gus finish packing his, I carry both of them out to their dad before giving them big hugs and kisses. I know it’s only forty-eight hours, but it feels like I lose a little piece of me every time they leave me.
The apartment is too quiet once they’re gone. No giggles, no music from cartoons, no click of their toys on the coffee table. No one calling my name fifty times while I try to pee or cook dinner.
I’m grateful for my time alone, but for the first hour after they leave, I don’t know what to do with myself, so I’ve taken to making a list to keep my mind busy.
Tonight’s to-do list is to clean up their toys, vacuum the living room, make something quick for dinner, finish running the last loads of laundry, and hand washing the dishes, which have piled up in the past week.
The glamorous life of a single mom in her late twenties.
By the time all of those tasks are done, it’s only 7:00 p.m.
I slump down on the couch, feeling like an old lady because I’m tempted to go to bed. All I have left to do tomorrow before Skylar comes is fold and put away the laundry.
Skylar.
I was relieved when she said she didn’t want to go out, even though I know she would rather do that than stay in and watch crappy TV shows.
But I’m grateful for her willingness to change plans. She has checked in on me a lot more this week, like she usually does when she knows one of the kids is sick. She even sent over pizza for dinner last night, despite my arguing she didn’t need to.
She’s too good to me. I don’t know what I did to deserve her kindness, but I’m forever grateful for it.
I really need to nip this crush in the bud. I can’t keep pining over my best friend because eventually she’ll get into a relationship with another woman, and I’ll have my heart smashed.
I haven’t dated seriously since I was in high school, so I have no idea what I’m doing.
The idea of meeting strangers is daunting.
The two dates I went on were setups by my mom, so I didn’t have to put myself out there.
I’ve never been on any dating apps, they’re so intimidating, but I guess it can’t hurt to try.
Pulling out my phone, I download the top two dating apps with the best ratings. I fill out the initial questions, selecting the “interested in anyone” option, and then go to upload pictures. I pause because I realize I’ve barely taken any of myself in the last few years.
I have a few cute, recent ones with the kids, so I edit them and make sure their faces are covered before uploading them.
At least now it’s clear I’m a mom, and I don’t have to dance around the topic.
When my profile is loaded, I start swiping through potential matches, reading their profiles and analyzing the answers to their questions.
Every man seems to be an automatic no for me.
There are a few pretty women and nonbinary people who catch my eye, but all I can think is none of them are Skylar.
No one captures my attention the way she does, but maybe it’s because this is virtual. Maybe they would if we were to meet in person.
When the clock finally reads eight-thirty, I decide it’s an acceptable time for me to get ready for bed.
My dating dilemma can wait until morning.