Chapter 12
Ava
My therapist’s office feels a lot like a grandma’s house. It’s not clinical or modern with clean lines like you’d expect.
For starters, the hardwood floors are covered by a retro rug like the carpet found in arcades. The neon geometric shapes are trippy but nostalgic, clashing with the rest of the décor.
My therapist, Rebecca, collects things. Not anything specific, but… everything. If she thinks it’s cool or pretty, she buys it and puts it on a shelf in the waiting area or in her office.
The chairs in the waiting area are thrifted and don’t match each other at all. My favorite is the burnt orange barrel chair that looks like it came straight from the 90s.
Rebecca calls me in and directs me to sit on the purple leather oversized armchair I usually occupy while she sits on the green velvet couch across from me.
Her office is much like the waiting room with mismatched decorations and random prints in a variety of frames. She has one stained glass lamp and another mushroom like one, and the rug is faux cheetah fur.
My therapist is just as eclectic as her office. She’s in her fifties, but it doesn’t stop her from wearing what she wants. Today she’s wearing hot pink palazzo pants with a zebra print long sleeved shirt. Her hair is cropped on the sides and spiky on top, dyed an icy blond.
I was really wary when I first started seeing her, but after a few sessions, I started to appreciate her “give no shit” attitude and outlook on life. She’s been a lifesaver as I discover who I am outside of the church and outside of my marriage.
“Ava, it’s so good to see you. How have you been? How are the kids? What’s new?” Rebecca asks with a bright smile.
I give her a rundown of how things are going, venting my frustrations about my ex-husband and how difficult it can be to co-parent. I tell her about Alisa and how worried I am about the kids getting attached and the potential the relationship won’t last.
I tell her I’m getting increasingly worried about Gus and Shea’s insistence on still taking them to church. Gus has been more reserved than normal but doesn’t want to talk to me about what’s bothering him.
“Well, his dad bringing a new woman into his life is probably a big deal. Maybe you could talk to his teacher and see if something has happened at school? If he still doesn’t want to talk, I can recommend some good child therapists around here.
I know he was four when you got divorced, so it’s possible the feelings he had buried are now resurfacing with the addition of your ex’s new girlfriend,” Rebecca suggests.
She’s probably right. Of course, I realized the divorce would impact the kids, but I was hoping they were young enough it wouldn’t traumatize them too much.
Not setting more boundaries with Shea about his relationship with Alisa makes me feel like a terrible mom. I should have put my foot down about them meeting too soon.
“I know you well enough to know you’re probably beating yourself up over this situation,” Rebecca says.
“But Ava, you can’t control Shea’s actions.
You can’t control the way your kids respond to changes either.
You’re a great mom, and this is just a bump in the road, but you’ll get through it, I promise. ”
I nod, worrying my bottom lip. “Skylar and I—” I start but shut my mouth. I feel like Rebecca’s going to get mad at me if I tell her about what we did.
Rebecca sits patiently, waiting to see if I’m going to continue.
“Skylar and I… we were… intimate a few weeks ago when the kids were at Shea’s.”
Rebecca’s thick eyebrows shoot into her hairline. “You finally confessed your feelings for her?”
“Um, no.”
“Interesting. Then how did things escalate?”
I give her a recap of our drunken sleepover and my inebriated idea. Leaving out the explicit parts, I give her a rundown of our time together.
“I can’t help but feel like I’ve ruined our friendship because of one drunken idea. But then yesterday she offered to do it again and—”
“Wait, Skylar offered to have a sexual relationship with you?”
“Kind of? She offered to show me the things I was curious about. She said when I felt confident in myself, we’d end our arrangement, and I’d move on and date someone else. We’d go back to being just friends.”
Rebecca tilts her head and studies me for a minute before she asks what I’ve been avoiding answering. I swear she can see into my soul when she does this.
“Do you want to go back to being just friends? And on the flipside, do you want to have a strictly physical relationship with her?”
I don’t even hesitate to answer. “No. I want… I want all of her. But what if it doesn’t work out and our friendship is ruined?”
Rebecca hums and jots something down on her notepad.
“But obviously Skylar doesn’t want the same. Otherwise, she would have said something, right?” I ask, voicing my insecurities.
“I can’t speak for Skylar since I don’t know her feelings, but do you think maybe she could be just as scared as you are to take the next step? Maybe she wants more with you but doesn’t want to risk your friendship?”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t think so.”
“Then why would she offer to help you do something so intimate? Why would she risk your friendship? You’ve told me enough about Skylar for me to deduce she doesn’t do anything without thinking it through. It sounds like the two of you need to have a candid conversation to be on the same page.”
My mouth opens and closes once, then twice before I can finally muster a shoulder shrug.
Rebecca’s right. Skylar doesn’t do anything without thinking it through. It took her a month to decide which purse she wanted to get because she wanted to weigh all her options, find the best price, and she had a list of criteria it needed to meet.
“Why wouldn’t she say anything, then?” I ask, not really expecting Rebecca to answer. She’s doesn’t like to give me the easy answers. She likes to make me work for it.
Sure enough, she shrugs. “Why haven’t you said anything about your feelings for her? We’re all human, Ava. We’re all scared of rejection. Some of us are better at pretending we’re not.”
She glances at the clock and slaps her thighs.
“Our session is done for today, but I’d like to give you some homework.
When you get home tonight and the kids are in bed, I want you to sit in a quiet space and envision your future.
I want you to think about what it is you truly want and what steps you need to take to get there.
You’ve made a lot of progress over the last two years, Ava, but I still think you’re holding yourself back from being happy.
Let’s meet again next week, and we can walk through what you’ve discovered. ”
After scheduling a time for next week, I walk out of the office with more questions and anxiety than I came in with.
I stop and grab some Chinese food for dinner, too emotionally drained to even think about cooking. I know Gus and Zoe are always down for orange chicken, and any time I can skip the guessing game of what they’ll eat for dinner, I will.
I picked up Sky’s favorite dish, too, hoping she’ll agree to stay and eat with us. If she doesn’t want to, I’ll just send it with her as a thank you for watching the kids.
I hear Zoe’s giggles from the other side of the door when I insert my key, and I pause to listen and see if I can hear what they’re saying.
It’s too muffled, but I hear Sky’s exaggerated gasp and Zoe’s high-pitched squeal, so I assume Zoe’s telling her a dramatic tale.
When I open the door, I’m not expecting the sight before me, and I nearly drop to my knees, totally overwhelmed with emotion.
Skylar is sitting on the floor while Zoe sits in front of her with the little makeup kit she got for Christmas. It’s one of those cheap ones from the dollar store, so it’s not the best quality, which is why I’m so floored.
Zoe’s meticulously—but messily—patting the cheap blush onto Skylar’s face.
Skylar, who has a carefully curated skincare routine and refuses to deviate from it because it makes her break out.
Skylar, who is so particular about the brands she puts on her face she stocks up on products she likes in case they get discontinued.
Skylar, who has silver eyeshadow from the cheap palette smeared on her eyelids and a bright smile on her face.
Her lips are—sloppily—painted a deep maroon, and I know she let Zoe use her fancy lipstick for this makeover. A lipstick that probably cost around fifty dollars and is now smooshed and misshapen, lying open on the coffee table behind Zoe.
Gus is sitting next to them on the floor, and when he puts the final joint in the creation he’s working on, he holds it up to show Skylar and gives her a small smile.
“Holy cow, bud. That’s dope! You said it’s a mountain racer?”
“Yeah. It’s one of the hardest ones to build,” Gus says shyly, holding up the instruction booklet so she can see.
“Dang, you’re smart! I don’t think I could have figured it out so fast. You made it in ten minutes? I’m impressed.”
Gus shrugs, dipping his chin to his chest to try and hide his proud smile. “I can teach you if you want.”
Skylar smiles wide. “I’d love that. Maybe after dinner? It looks like your mom brought home Chinese food.”
Both kids’ heads whip to where I’m standing, and I hold up the bags.
“YES! Mommy, you’re the best!” Zoe screams, dropping the brush and rushing to wrap her arms around my legs.
Gus is slower to greet me but still gives me a tight squeeze around my waist. “Did you get orange chicken?”
I swipe his hair away from his forehead. “Sure did. I know it’s your favorite. I also got those cream cheese wontons you like. Why don’t you and Zoe wash your hands while Auntie Sky and I dish up the food?”
Gus and Zoe rush to the bathroom, and Skylar joins me in the kitchen.
I want to wrap her in a hug and give her a kiss. I like coming home and having her here already. I want to tell her all about therapy and ask her about her day over dinner, then put the kids down together before we lie in bed and snuggle or… do other things.
I shake off those thoughts, smirking at her instead. “New look?”
Skylar rolls her eyes but flips her hair over her shoulder. “I think this is the new trend. Who doesn’t want sparkly eyelids and messy lipstick?”
I chuckle and shake my head as I grab plates from the cabinet. “Thank you for indulging her, I know how particular you are about what goes on your face. And thank you so much again for picking them up. I’m sorry—”
Skylar cuts me off by holding her hand up. “Stop thanking me, Ava. I love you guys, I want to be here for you. I wasn’t indulging her, I had a good time, even if she did poke me in the eye twice.”
“We love you, too,” I whisper. More than you know.
We spend the rest of the evening eating and listening to the kids tell us about their days.
Zoe chatters on about her daycare adventures, and Gus tells us about these robots they’re programming in computer class.
It’s the most animated I’ve seen him in a while, and I make a mental note to ask him about it again one-on-one.
Skylar sticks around so Gus can show her how to build the mountain racer while I give Zoe a bath, then she reads Zoe a story while I help Gus shower.
Once the kids are tucked in bed, Skylar wordlessly helps me do the dishes and clean up their discarded toys.
More than once, I find myself blinking back tears at how effortless it is to have her here and be part of our routine.
“Thank you for sticking around and helping,” I say as she slips her shoes on at the door.
She gives me an unimpressed look. “How many times do I have to tell you I want to be here? I want to be part of your lives, you and the kids. Let me be here for you. Stop trying to shoulder everything on your own.”
Our eyes lock and for a few charged seconds, I wonder if she’s going to kiss me.
The tension between us is palpable, and I want nothing more than to throw myself at her and tell her I love her and ask her to stay. Stay and tell me if she feels the same way.
But she looks away, severing whatever connection was there.
“I’ll see you Monday, Aves. Have a good weekend.”
“You, too.”
Sky gives me another small smile before she walks out the door, taking a piece of my heart with her.
I go through my nightly routine, and when I settle in bed, I close my eyes and picture what I want the future to look like.
Skylar is there in every vision, but as more than a friend. More than a platonic person. She’s there, holding my hand as we walk through the grocery store. She’s there, kissing me when she gets home after a late night at the office.
She’s there, in a white ensemble with a bouquet of flowers, standing next to Gus and Zoe, vowing to love me forever in front of our families.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I want Skylar in it.
I just don’t know if she wants the same thing.