Ava Letter Seven
Jay,
So tonight didn’t go well. It felt like old times…and I hoped we were past that.
For a long time, I thought that I was what could make you happy. That made me feel special, but it also felt like so much pressure.
I have spent my entire life only wanting to save others, and in your absence, I realized that I also need to take myself into account sometimes.
I don’t think you realize how much of myself I used to erase to make you more comfortable.
Even now, I push away parts of myself to be the best doctor that I can be to help people feel better.
You talk about how difficult it is to hear that you are saving people’s lives without knowing how to save your own.
It’s the same for me. I have to know how to take care of myself before I can even attempt to save or take care of others.
Maybe it was a good thing we had some time apart.
I was able to finally find myself because I wasn’t able to put you first. We both needed to learn who we were without one another.
I needed to see the value in who I am and what my needs are if I was ever going to feel fulfilled as a woman or as your partner.
I’m sorry tonight ended the way it did. I never like yelling at you, but I’m not going to be the one to reach out first. Time and time again I have given into you and have set my feelings aside for you. If I’m going to set my boundaries, I have to keep them in place.
I know you care for me. I know you love me. And part of me feels bad for even being this way because I’m afraid you will feel even more undeserving of love and comfort than you already do.
All I’m asking is that, for once, you take what I want into account. And goddammit, Jay, I just want you.
I love you,
A