Chapter 20
As much as I hate leaving Tom to wake up alone in my bed, I love teaching Boxfit. I always come away feeling energised, and with what’s been going on lately, that’s not a feeling I take for granted. I contemplate knocking on Oscar’s door and bringing him along to help alleviate the anguish I’m causing him on a daily basis, but I decide against it. He’d be better off belting a musical theatre ballad with Eliza than throwing punches with me and the guests.
I pass the crew noticeboard and try to ignore the newest letter warning all crew members not to engage with journalists or speak to any of the guests about other crew members, and to report anyone acting suspiciously to senior management. It’s presented as a blanket statement reminding everyone about the rules of GDPR or whatever, but everyone knows why the reminder needs to be shared and who these guests want dirt on.
The UK gossip rags are running a story about me. That’s all Mum and Oscar are letting me know, and I’m not stupid or brave enough to look it up for myself. It’d be a lie anyway. I haven’t accessed any news or social media apps since I left home, and I’m better off for it.
It’s always assumed that as an influencer I crave attention, but I craved the connection I got with people who were actually interested in my content – either because they were fitness freaks like me or they simply wanted to get healthier and needed a helping hand. It wasn’t until Oscar worked on his first ship that I realised how daunting a gym could be for a woman on her own, and not just because of gym creeps. After finding a girl crying in the changing room, ready to quit straight after joining because it was too overwhelming – and because the PT who gave her the orientation was too busy promoting his side hustle of home-based sports massages to teach her what to do – I took it upon myself to show her around. I’m pleased to say I saw her in the gym regularly after that. It inspired me to make new content on how to use every weird and wonderful piece of equipment I could find, with suggestions for sets for different difficulty levels. Like how Tom’s content makes people smile, mine helped people feel confident.
As I kick off the class, through the window I spot Jack outside, a few decks down, sitting on a bench looking out to sea. What’s he doing up so early?
Half an hour passes, and he’s still there when my class wraps up. Unease settles over me. I make quick work of packing up so I can go check on him. Even as I approach, he remains undisturbed, not looking back at where I know he hears my footsteps.
“Hey. Everything okay?”
He doesn’t turn to face me straight away, but when he does, I can’t miss the pain in his eyes. He isn’t crying, but he looks so small and lost, and I ache for him.
“Bad day,” he says, not bothering to lie or pretend, but he doesn’t share any more than that.
Bad day and it’s only 7 a.m.?There’s more going on here, but I don’t think he’d appreciate me prying.
“Come get breakfast with me.”
It was my idea to spend the past few nights in my room. Once shark week came to an end, I was very keen to resume mine and Tom’s mission to complete the Kama Sutra (turns out what I thought was froggy-style is something completely different, and I like it), and now I feel tremendous guilt for putting my sex life ahead of Tom’s promise to not let his friendship with Jack fall by the wayside. Jack’s been there for me through this whole shit show, and for no reason other than because he cares, he’s become one of the handful of people who are fiercely protective of me. So now it’s time for me to be protective of him.
Without a fight, he straightens up and follows me. He doesn’t join me in the serving area but goes to the coffee machine and makes two teas – green for me, Yorkshire for him – and a coffee when he spots Tom coming up behind me and kissing my cheek.
“Something’s not right,” I tell Tom as we head over to the table where Jack’s waiting for us. I’ve never seen him not interested in food.
Jack and Tom have some unagi thing going on, so I let Tom steer the conversation about highlights from yesterday and what’s on the schedule for today. I hate seeing anyone sad, but Jack? It breaks my heart. After breakfast, I go back to my room and let the boys have some privacy in the hope Jack will release whatever’s on his chest. With too much time to do nothing, and not enough time to do anything vaguely interesting, I tidy my cabin before I have to man the climbing wall.
As I straighten out the freshly changed bedding, knuckles rap on my door in a way only Tom’s do. I’ve barely opened it before he’s inside kissing me, but not in a take-off-your-clothes-we’ve-got-five-minutes kind of way; it’s one single, desperate kiss, as though twenty years have gone by, not twenty minutes. I pull back and scan his face. Whatever’s bothering Jack is now bothering Tom, and I wish there was something I could do to save them both from hurting.
“Can you tell me?” I ask, running my fingers through his hair.
He furrows his brow and looks down, unsure. “We are all he has.” When he looks up again, it’s clear he’s holding back tears.
“What do you mean?”
“I thought fighting with your brother over you was bad, but Jack lost everything fighting for the girl he loves. Including her.”
It takes me a second to process what Tom’s saying. Understandably, Jack isn’t much of an open book, so when a page reveals itself, I’m never quite expecting it.
“He’s in love?”
Tom nods. “With a girl called Sadie. He’s mentioned her to me before, but never…” He shakes his head, distressed, seemingly lost in his previous conversation. “Today’s the anniversary of when he was forced to leave her and never go back.”
Injustice and sorrow hit me all at once. “Who would…? Why would…?” I stop myself, realising those questions aren’t important right now. “Is he going to be okay?”
“He said he would be. It’s not the first anniversary, so he’s…learnt how to get through it. One big day of feelings, then 364 days in denial.”
I sense the quiet fury rising in Tom. I love how fiercely he cares about the people around him.
“He’s called in sick, and I just wanna be with him, but I have the busiest day today, and the thought of him sitting alone in our room?—”
“I’ll pop by when I can. If that’s not…intrusive.”
“No, I think that’s a good idea. It’d make me feel better at the very least. Even if he tells you to go away, at least he knows we’re here.”
I’ve always considered Jack introverted, but today I’m realising it’s more like he’s isolated. Alone, and not by choice.
Well, not anymore.
Once climbing’s over, I shower, grab the book I’m currently borrowing from the onboard library, and hurry over to Tom and Jack’s room, ready to be rejected but hopeful that I won’t be.
He answers the door so suddenly I lose the words I came here ready to say.
“Hey! How…? Uh…” It’s pointless asking someone who’s obviously not okay if they’re okay. “I…” Think of an excuse, dummy! You’ve not said any words yet. Saywords. “You—” Giving up, I sigh and admit what I’m really here for. “I would like to be here with you.”
Jack smiles softly and welcomes me in. “Come on, Bella.”
Any other day, I’d continue to protest his new nickname for me, but I’ll let him get away with it this once. I follow him inside the dark room, illuminated only by the TV at the foot of his bed.
“And you call me a vampire,” I say as a joke, hoping it lands.
“Because you are.” I spot the smirk on the corner of his lips before he scales the ladder up to his bunk, looking comfy in his mismatched hoodie and jogging bottoms. “I hope you like ‘Shrek’.”
“Who doesn’t?”
I settle on Tom’s bottom bunk and get back to the book I’ve been using to escape reality, letting a Scottish ogre and Jack’s soft huffs of laughter fill the room.
It’s late when Tom finally finishes work. He’s been able to dip in and out, but with it being a sea day, his schedule’s far busier than on a port day. He managed to get Jack to eat something while I was running Clubbercise earlier, and that was a relief to us both.
With only the lamps on, Jack and I are sitting on Tom’s bunk playing cards, using the desk chair as a table, and Tom’s standing in the middle of the room with his wrist in the air, studying his watch. He counts down from three.
“Andddd it’s tomorrow. Deep breath, everyone.”
We put the cards down and humour him. Aside from the occasional sniff and a shaky breath, I’m relieved to say Jack survived his purge. But though emotions like that can come on like a tap, they can’t be turned off quite so easily.
“Jack-O’-Lantern, what do you need?” Tom asks.
Jack shrugs one shoulder. “I’m okay. I’ll sleep it off.”
“Are you tired?”
“Not really.”
“Cool. Come here then.” Tom grabs Jack’s arm and pulls him to his feet, then he drags him towards the bathroom. I stay seated, not prepared to get in the middle of whatever Tom’s up to.
“What are you doing, funny boy?” Jack resists a little, making Tom work to pull him further.
“Cold shower. I let you cope how you wanted to, and now you have to do things my way.”
“Tom!” I scold, but he ignores me, continuing to tug Jack into the bathroom.
“Clothes on or off, buddy – now’s your chance.”
“I’m okay, I swear!” Jack insists, amusement in his tone.
Tom turns the tap on. “Sure, but we’ve gotta reset you. Cold water cures depression.”
Jack giggles. “I’m not depressed!”
“Mm-hmm. Last chance to save Pig.”
Pig?There’s a moment of silence, and then Tom calls my name, holding his small toy pig out the doorway for me to rescue. How did it get in there? I take it from him and put it up on Jack’s bunk. As I do, the steady flow of water gets interrupted and I assume Jack’s caught under the stream.
“Fucker,” Jack mutters.
Tom complains, and I head back to watch the show. They’re both simultaneously trying to get out of the shower while also holding the other under it. They erupt with laughter, and so do I.
They’re a strange pair, but they understand one another.
A few more seconds pass before they give up, both stripping and then giggling to themselves as they twist the water out of their clothes. Any hopes of Jack’s clothing drying on its own are futile, and Tom doesn’t seem as bothered as he probably should be about his smart evening uniform suffering the same fate. Still in his wet underwear, Tom takes his towel, wraps it around his waist, and leaves Jack in the bathroom. I swoon as he comes over to me. I don’t want to flaunt our closeness in front of Jack though – not today – so I keep our kiss short and my hands to myself. Mostly. Tom steps away from me and changes into dry boxers. Jack joins us, and I turn away so he can redress too.
“You’re safe,” Jack says, sitting on the edge of the desk, now in a different pair of jogging bottoms that he usually wears to bed.
He certainly seems brighter, but there’s still a raw ache in his chest, and I can feel it. I know he hasn’t been starved of human contact all this time, but to know his heart belongs to someone else, someone he can’t have, and what that’s doing to him… It’s soul-destroying.
I lock eyes with Tom where he’s sitting on the chair, having pulled it away from the bed and over to the wall. I’m so grateful to have found him. I have to refrain from considering how much it would hurt to lose him for good, but I continue to sense his worry for his friend. He won’t feel better until Jack does, or until he’s done what he can to make him feel better, so now it’s my turn to try.
I approach Jack on the desk and place my hand on his cheek, his stubble just long enough not to be sharp against my palm. Though a little confused, he smiles.
“Close your eyes,” I instruct him.
He does, but his back remains straight. He takes a few slow breaths, and as sudden as a flash of lightning, he sinks into my touch, needing it. I brush my nails along the side of his head softly to comfort him, his wet hair scraped back in a bun.
“You’re so loved, Jack.”
He reaches for me, and I hold him tightly, hoping it helps to lessen his despair. A moment passes and we drift apart. I study him. His eyes glisten, but they don’t stay on me – they flick to Tom behind me briefly. He shifts his gaze back to me, and the next thing I know, his lips are on mine, gentle but definitely there. I tense on instinct, pulling away.
“It’s okay, Gem,” Tom reassures me, and I turn back to look at him. Helplessness is written on his face. He’s hurting for his friend, not for himself. He wants to comfort Jack, but he knows he isn’t able to give him what he needs.
But I am.
No one speaks, both of them making their consent clear and waiting for mine. I put my hand out for Tom, who gets up to take it, stepping closer and covering my back. Then I turn back to Jack and let our lips meet again. Tom sweeps my hair to one side before burying his head in the crook of my neck, planting kisses lightly there. Shivers tingle all over my skin, my nipples hardening under my silky nightshirt.
I want to ask what we’re doing, but tonight isn’t the night to think about it. I stroke Jack’s bare chest, sighing against his lips as Tom’s erection presses into me.
“Do you want this, Bella?” Jack asks softly.
“Do you want to be shared?” Tom echoes, and I get flashbacks to the night we met. The nights I’ve been bold.
“You’re allowed to. It doesn’t make you dirty if you do.”
“You’re safe in here. No one is judging you.”
“Yes,” I admit with confidence.
The boys sigh collectively, and Jack spins me around to face Tom, who kisses me urgently. Jack traces my waist with his large hands.
“Show me where you want to be touched.”
I place my hands on top of his and slowly guide him to my breasts. He squeezes me, and I grind back against him, his warm breath of relief landing on my neck. I slither my hand inside Tom’s boxers, gripping him where he’s hard, and remove any of the doubt in my mind that I shouldn’t be doing this. As Tom gasps, I lean back to kiss Jack again. Tom unbuttons my shirt until I’m exposed for them both, and Jack repositions his hands, pinching my nipples, which sends a rush of heat between my legs.
“We’re so lucky to have you,” Jack says. “Do you know that?”
I hum, feeling adored, as Tom slides his hand down my shorts and inside my knickers. He drops his head and sighs in the way he does when he’s turned on. The way I love. Then he slips a finger inside of me, instantly finding my weak spot and flickering there. I’m on the edge in seconds, and Jack has to adjust his hold to keep me steady.
“So easily pleased, aren’t you?”
I shake my head. “He’s just that good,” I pant.
There’s a rumble in Jack’s chest behind me. “I can hear how wet you are.” His voice now has an edge to it that sounds almost sinister, and my cheeks heat with a tinge of embarrassment.
“Don’t hide. Let us fucking hear it.”
My knees buckle from the way Tom’s touching me.
“Is that for us, Princess?”
“Mm-hmm.” I nod feebly.
Jack chuckles. “I got it wrong. Maybe you’re the lucky one to have us.”
In the blink of an eye, I remember Jack’s lips on me and his fingers where Tom’s are now.
“You going to let us have some fun with you?”
“Yes.”Tom’s touch could satisfy me,but he’s toying with me, and it’s agony. “Please don’t tease me,” I beg, looking desperately between them both. “I can’t handle it. I can’t wait.”
“You heard her, Thomas.”
Tom leaves me in Jack’s arms unsatisfied, and Jack snatches my lips with his. His tongue glides against mine and it feels like being charged with electricity.
“I need to come,” I say earnestly.
“You will, I promise.”
Tom returns, passing Jack a condom and our bottle of lube and throwing another condom on the bed, presumably for himself later.He pulls me into a kiss, my want for him stronger than ever, but too soon he breaks away and directs my attention behind me. I sense his eyes on me as I look at our friend, now naked. I’ve been in the same room – the same bed – as him while having sex before, but I’ve never taken the time to really look at him. Jack’s beautiful. Tall and slim, with intricate tattoos scattered over his body. My gaze is drawn to one part of him in particular. One very large part of him. When I try to meet his eye again, I notice the desire in his as he appreciates my body.
Tom guides my shirt off my shoulders and down my arms, his gentle touch leaving goose bumps on my skin. He kisses my neck, hooking his thumbs in my shorts and knickers, before slowly pulling them down, once again exposing me to Jack. He returns behind me, pride radiating off him as if I’m a prized possession he wants to show off.
Jack’s eyes darken, our mutual attraction new and foreign but innocuous.
Tom places his hand on my waist. “Go to him. It’s okay,” he says again.
I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear it.
I close the distance between me and Jack, and he kisses me hungrily.
“You still want to come?”
“Yes.” The word sounds broken as it comes out of my mouth.
He spins me around so fast I gasp, but Tom is there to catch me. “Like this?”
Where Tom can hold me. Watch me.
“Yes.”
Jack moves his hand between my legs and strokes me gently as I throb. I reach back and try to line myself up with him, grumbling when I can’t get the angle right because he’s too tall.
Tom laughs playfully. “I think she wants you to fuck her.”
On the balls of my feet, I move my hips, rubbing myself over Jack’s tip.
“Is she always this needy?” They’re gossiping as if I’m not here.
“Always.”
“Little vampire.”
“Please.”I moan like it’s my last breath. I don’t have patience when I’m horny. I spent too much time not having sex, and now waiting even a minute for it feels like a lifetime.
“Breathe out, baby.”
“Why? I’ll be— Holyyy…” My grip on Tom tightens as Jack presses himself inside me. Jack leans forward slightly so his lips are by my ear.
“I’m not even all the way in yet,” he purrs.
Warmth rises in my cheeks. Oh God.
“Bet you miss my boyfriend dick now.” Tom smirks.
I nod, biting into my bottom lip so hard I’m sure it’s turned white.
“Want him to stop?”
I shake my head sternly. I’m determined to take it. I made such a thing about needing him that I’m not going to back out now. Plus, as much as he’s a lot to take, he feels unbelievable.
Jack doesn’t move while I acclimatise to his size, slowly building up until he’s rocking back and forth. But it still feels like asking someone to scratch an itch and they keep missing, so I take him deeper, thriving on the way they both tell me what a good job I’m doing. The three of us lose ourselves to the moment,and before long, I don’t know whose hands are whose or which of their tongues is tracing the sensitive spots on my neck, our mouths and fingers seeking, feeling, wanting, needing.
“Fuck, it’s so hot watching you two together,” Tom mumbles, a tortured lilt to his tone.
When I focus on him, it’s as if fireworks have been set off in my belly. Not so long ago, I thought I was merely a girl with a crush on my brother’s friend, and now he’s mine.
Jack’s been gentle with me, but all this time I’ve felt something simmering beneath the surface – something wild, waiting to be unleashed.
“The chair. Here. Sit,” I instruct Tom breathlessly.
He steps away and pulls the chair closer to me and Jack. Tom takes a seat and fists himself as he watches us. Jack slows his rhythm as I bend forward and lower my mouth over Tom. His sigh of relief causes a surge of lust to race through me. I push back into Jack a few times, giving him permission to let loose, and the spot he hits, the speed with which he hits it, makes me feral.
Each of his thrusts sink Tom deeper into my mouth, and I love how overwhelmed I am with the two of them and the frenzy we’re all working ourselves up into.
“Not a virgin anymore, are you, Bella?” Jack notes.
Smugness fills my chest. No. No, I’m not.
TOM
This isn’t a competition, but I’m still winning.
Gem is it for me. The one. My person. My world. Even with Jack inside of her, she’s mine and she’s perfect. So fucking perfect.
Watching Jack come apart with her sets the fire in my heart ablaze. I understand now what my parents meant when they said that if we were going to experiment with drinking or other teenage antics, they’d rather we did it in the house where we were safe. Jack is my safe place. Even while he kneels behind her and talks dirty in her ear as she rides me. Even while he squeezes her breasts with one hand and strums her clit with the other. Jack gets off on the pleasure of his partners – I mean, who doesn’t? – but he really fucking gets off on it. So while Gem gets all our attention, this is for him. Our pleasure is his tonight.
“Look what you do to him. Look how desperate he is for you.”
Gem glances down at me with a devilish grin, rolling her hips slowly as she conspires with my best friend.
“I reckon if you go any faster, he’ll break. What do you think?”
She smiles and leans on me, picking up her pace, rising and dropping herself onto me. Fuck. I wish I could prove them wrong. I wish I were unbreakable so this moment could last forever. But I’m a china shop, and they’re the bulls charging around it.
“That’s it. You’re doing such a good job.” He nibbles her earlobe. “You love him, don’t you?”
My heart squeezes tight, and the fear she could say no threatens to take over.
“Yes,” she admits with a sigh, not missing a beat. “So much.”
The sensations rushing through me are insane. I could combust at any second. Relief. Elation. So much damn euphoria. She loves me.
I grab her hips and take control, my thrusts meeting her again and again,as fast as I can manage. “Fuck, I love you, baby.”
Gem cries out, another orgasm cresting as her pussy tightens around me, and not a moment later mine comes crashing down, hard and unrelenting. Jack pours praise into her ear as we let the ecstasy wash over us.
Once we’ve caught our breaths, I pull her down to me, needing a taste of the girl who just said she loves me.
My Princess.
While Gem brushes her teeth, Jack makes sure there’s no tension or worry or regret lingering, and I assure him there isn’t now and there never will be. He wraps me in a tight hug, and I can tell the burden of his day has been eased.
I get into bed, and when Gem emerges, she goes to Jack, who’s waiting to check in with her. She smiles up at him, reassuring him with her answers that she’s okay – that we’re all okay – alleviating his concerns that he might have come between us. He leans down to plant a kiss on her forehead, and she closes her eyes.
Their gazes meet again.
“Look after him.”
“I will,” she promises.
“Come on, girlfriend,” I call. “Bedtime.”
A grin spreads across her lips. “Girlfriend?” she challenges, coming over to me as Jack climbs up to his bunk.
“You heard me. You said you loved me. Pretty sure that means we’re a done deal now.”
She nestles up next to me and kisses me.
“I’ll look up how to get ordained tomorrow,” Jack muses above us, turning off his light.
My breath hitches with an idea. “We could get the captain to?—”
“Easy now, Thomas. You’ll scare her off. Plus, you have to buy her a ring first.”
“Minor details.” Tom dismisses him.
“And get her brother’s permission.”
I can hear his playful smile. He knows exactly how to unleash the feminist rage in us both, but most importantly, how to knock me off my perch.
“Gem, you know how we like to keep secrets from him…”
“Good night, boys,” she sings and turns off my light.
One day.