Chapter 19
“Get your head out of your arse and open your eyes! You’ve got this so wrong! Own your mistakes and stop running.”
“She’s better off without me. I should have listened to Harvey. She should have too. I’m not good for her. Or anyone.”
“Can you hear yourself right now? You’re agreeing with Harvey?”
I can’t believe it either, but that’s exactly what I’m doing.
“Do you have any idea how much I would kill for my ex to forgive me? What I wouldn’t do for her to be here so I could stand a chance at making things up to her.”
“Nothing I do will ever be enough.”
“It was an accident. She knows it. I know it. Everyone else knows it. Take it from me – walking away will rot you from the inside. I’m not going to let you fuck up the same way I did, because you will spend the rest of your life paying for it.”
“Then that’s what I have to do.”
“Oh, stop with the self-pity! It doesn’t make you a martyr. It makes you an idiot.”
I don’t want to be a martyr; I just want her to be free of me and any more damage I can possibly do.
“She’s going to Tiegan’s tonight.”
“What?”
“But that’s fine, right? Because she’s not yours.”
“Why would she—? Who?—?”
“Me. I’m taking her. I’m going to be everything to her that you refuse to be.”
“Jack.”
“And if you can sit there and watch without stepping in, I’ll believe you can let her go.”
I wake up with a start, Jack’s voice sounding as real now as it did last night. Catching my breath, I loosen my grip on whatever I’m grabbing onto like a life ring. Gem. She’s…?
Memories of last night flash through my mind, and I’m struck by a wave of relief and happiness.
She’s mine again.
She stirs in my arms, and I kick myself for waking her. “You okay?” she asks, her voice soft and fragmented.
I relax back into my pillow, pulling her in closer against me. “Better now.”
Jack has to get up to open the kids’ club, but she and I luckily have a lazier start to our days. We wake up slowly and enjoy being close for a while, but I have a lot of apologising to do, and I’m determined to start today as I mean to go on.
“I shouldn’t have expected a secret like that not to blow up in my face,” she says before I can make the first of a million speeches.
“I should have been more careful. I’m so sorry for the hell I put you through, and I’m sorry I believed the internet over you.”
She doesn’t say it’s okay and I don’t expect her to, but she’s willing to forgive me all the same.
“I don’t know why I did. It didn’t make sense. The version of you I knew with…some of those things I saw you doing…” I tamp down the rising jealousy.
“I’m guessing Eliza filled you in.”
I nod shamefully. “It shouldn’t have taken that, but yeah. Once she pointed out how wrong I was, I started with the first thing I knew to be true and went from there.”
“I want to tell you what happened. I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us from now on, but you have to promise me you won’t share any of it publicly, because you’re going to want to. And if you think what you did already put me in danger, sharing any of this will make it so much worse.”
There’s a way to make it worse? I’m already worked up, worried I’m not ready to handle whatever I’m about to hear if it comes with a warning, but she’s strong enough to cope with it, so I need to be too.
“I promise.”
She talks me through it – everything, from the beginning – and suddenly I get why Harvey looked so exhausted when I got here. Why he was so worried I’d hurt her. Why she was so terrified of everyone.
“I knew there could be potential downsides to it. I wasn’t na?ve enough to think I would escape some kind of hate. But I knew in myself that I’m not capable of being toxic, unkind, or evil enough to warrant coming across that badly. But they decided I could be edited that way, and that’s the story they ran with.”
“So they covered you in blood and fed you to the sharks.”
“That’s showbiz.” She shrugs as if that’s the end of it – the end of her story. She’s completely defeated, with no hope of being able to redeem herself, and it breaks my heart.
I’m so angry. Angry at the creators of that show for inciting a mob; angry at the world for going after her with their pitchforks; angry at myself for believing a second of what I saw. And if I wasn’t feeling enough guilt for the part I played in this new wave of hate crashing down on her, I sure am now.
Something she said when we first started hanging out comes to the forefront of my mind, and it makes nausea roll in my stomach. “I’d honestly rather not exist, but I do, so I have to endure all this nonsense.” I blink back the emotions suddenly taking over.
“Are you…? Before I… Well, especially since I…”
“Tom?” she grounds me.
“Are you doing okay? Have they offered you any kind of help?”
“I can speak to a psychiatrist who claims to be independent from the show, but they’re loyal to whoever pays the bill. None of what’s discussed is private – it all gets fed back to the production team, emailed around and discussed in meetings, and then they pretend to care for a day or so. But their offer of speaking up for you comes alongside their warnings of even more repercussions following that, so their best advice is to hunker down and wait for it all to blow over.”
“I mean, I’m no lawyer, but there’s a defamation lawsuit in there somewhere. They can’t?—”
She shakes her head. “The contract is…ironclad. I waived my rights to ‘an accurate representation of self’, and I agreed they could ‘use my image to reveal information about me that’s unfavourable’ and ‘could expose me to public ridicule’.” She exhales a deep breath like she’s silently berating herself. “Everything happened so quickly, and I was so excited to be a part of it I didn’t think any of those clauses would apply to me, because like I said, I know who I am. I’m not looking for solutions though. I got myself into this mess. This is the bed I made, and now I have to lie in it.”
She might want to accept it, but I want to make people pay.
“You can always talk to me. I know I maybe need to earn your trust again, but…I’m gonna be here for you, always.”
“Thank you.” She gives me a kiss, and I pull her into me, the T-shirt of mine she’s wearing feeling so damn good on her body. “How’s your account anyway? I’m sorry if?—”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. We don’t have to talk about it. I’m not… I don’t want it anymore.”
I didn’t pause the scheduled content like I now know I should have done. I was dumb enough to think no one would care about hating on Gem in the videos that came next, and that people would forget all about it soon enough. But I was wrong. So wrong. I couldn’t keep up with deleting comments, so I just took the new videos down. Everything Gem told me would happen did happen, and it’s probably still happening on my older videos now. I wouldn’t know – I had to stop checking, because not responding to the awful things people were saying became impossible even though I knew it wouldn’t solve anything. It goes without saying that I haven’t been in the mood to film anything more. Why the hell would I want to entertain these jerk-offs?
Worry crosses her brow. “But you worked so hard on it. You made so many people happy.”
“But it came at the cost of making the one person I care about unhappy.”
For a second, I think she’s disappointed in me, but then I realise it’s guilt. “I’ll figure something out so you can get it back. You don’t deserve to be dragged down with me.”
“I do.”
“No, you don’t. If I were any other person, it wouldn’t have mattered. If I’d told you why I couldn’t be in your videos, I know you would have triple-checked your content. Avoiding me when I needed you the most was…” She shakes her head.
“I’m sorry,” I interrupt before she can remember the pain I caused her and decide to un-forgive me.
“I know. And I’m sorry again for not coming clean when things started to get more serious between us. But I’d like to draw a line in the sand, or we’re never going to be able to move on, and I’d like at least one thing in my life to get back to normal at some point.”
“Done.”
I’ve created a monster. A beautiful, sex-crazed monster. And I’m the happiest guy alive.
Our first time together opened the floodgates to some kind of horny paradise. I tell her I’ve gotta be someplace in ten minutes, and she tells me to make it fast. There’s not a moment alone that hasn’t started with her tearing my clothes off or ended without protest from her, nor a night we’ve spent apart. And you can bet there’s a new colour in her schedule solely for me. That’s right. I’m Mr Bubblegum now.
It’s not only sex though. It’s a connection deeper than I’ve ever had with anyone. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so wanted and…loved. We’ve not said it yet, but I can feel it, and it’s getting stronger every day.
It’s finally my turn.
She’s currently trying to catch her breath on top of me, having instigated another quickie while Jack was in the shower.
“Is it safe to come out now?” he calls from the bathroom.
“Just a second!” I reply as we giggle.
All I want to do is lie in a sweaty heap on my bed, but instead, I hurry to tidy up as Gem throws on her clothes. She gives me a kiss and tries to rush off to the Zumba class she’s about to be late for, but I keep a hold of her.
“You can come out now,” I tell Jack, and he emerges with a playful smirk.
Gem tries to tug her arm out of my grasp. “Tom, I’m going to be late!”
“Go pee.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Go pee,” both Jack and I say in unison.
She huffs but does as we say. “This is so silly.”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if your pee felt like hot, broken glass.” I remember Maddison once telling me what a UTI was, and I have never been able to unhear it.
“I’m surprised you’ve still got a dick at this point.” Jack pokes fun at me.
“Me too, man. Me too.”
He titters to himself. “You ever seen ‘Twilight’?”
“Of course. Team Edward or Team Jacob?”
“Team Edward but Team Taylor.”
I perk up. “Yes, okay, glad we’re on the same page. Continue.”
“She’s like a newborn, all that energy and no ability to contain it yet. Not like us old-timers.”
I laugh, seeing the parallels instantly.
“I heard that!” Gem shouts through the door.
Once she’s gone, I freshen up and head back to my bed to collapse. My post-orgasm high gradually fades and the thought I’ve tried to push away so many times, like a balloon on a windy day at Navy Pier, bounces back to bother me.
“Uh-oh… What’s that look for?” Jack asks.
Goddamn this boy and his hypersensitivity to mood shifts.
“Come on – get it all out so I can tell you you’re being stupid and you can put that loved-up, shit-eating grin back on your face.”
I lie back down with a sigh, staring at the bunk above me. “I have all this experience when it comes to sex. I’ve ticked off bucket-list items and I’ve had more than my fair share of what were meant to be once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, so I can say with confidence that committing myself to her – and only her – for the rest of my life is all I will ever want and need. But for Gem…the journey only started last week. What if I’m just the first stop? She could think this is it, but then she could wake up one day and realise she missed out on so much and feel like I’m holding her back. I can’t shake this fear that any minute now she’ll want more, and she won’t want it from me.”
“And what are the things she might want that you can’t give her? You didn’t seem to have a problem with letting her explore the other night.”
I’ve never got off on watching before, but I like to watch her. There’s something about seeing her with other people – people I care about – and having her choose me still that drives me wild.
“I… It could be… What about…?” Okay, maybe he’s onto something.
“The way I see it, she’s decided to be with you even after everything, so don’t doubt her unless she gives you a reason to.”
“And what if she gives me a reason to?”
He smiles. “You’re an open-minded guy. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”
“Morning.”
From the way all the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end – all right, from the accent – I realise it’s Harvey coming up next to me at the coffee machine as I fill a hot water bottle that looks like a dog. Gem sent me to fetch it after she woke up in my room with stomach cramps.
“Morning,” I reply, terrified of him noticing what’s in my hand and realising it’s his sister’s. Harvey might have tolerated our relationship before, but in his eyes, I had my chance and blew it, and he’s paid the price for it alongside Gem. I try to stand in such a way that I’ll block his view of the dog, but it’s not exactly easy to hide.
Damn, this thing takes so long to fill up.
He reaches for two mugs and two different types of teabag, and before he can even begin to wait for his turn, his eyes land on the dog. If the gates of hell were a person, I’m looking right at him.
“I know, I know. I swear, I tried to stay away, but?—”
“Try harder.” His jaw ticks as he glares at me.
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.”
“I won’t.”I stand my ground, and a weird wave of calm washes over me. For once in my life, I don’t want to argue with him; I want to win him over. I screw the cap on the hot water bottle and set it down. “I know I’m the last person you ever want your sister to be with, but I’m crazy about her. I know that my mistake cost both of you a lot, but I will never let something like that happen again. She’s told me everything, and I’ve promised her I won’t get involved no matter how badly I want to. I don’t have a hero complex. She’s not some damsel in distress that needs saving. But I want to look after her. She deserves to have something that makes her happy, and unfortunately for you, that thing is me. So you can either get in our way and force her to suffer for the rest of her life, or you can step aside and let her forge a new path.”
That was either my victory speech or my swan song, and I can’t tell which. Harvey gives nothing away. Seconds pass by, and I discern he’s not going to say anything, so I pick up the dog and step aside to let him make his teas.
“Do you know what a Mars bar is?” he asks out of the blue.
You can always rely on a Brit to come up with small talk even in the most uncomfortable of situations.
“Never had one. It’s chocolate, right?”
He nods. “They sell them in the crew shop.” Commissary. “She loves the first bite of them – not that she’ll admit it or let on that she wants any at all. But she always feels better after chocolate.”
Oh. That’s…kind of him to share.I’m sure it’s for his sister’s comfort more than as a favour to me, but it’s an olive branch I’ll accept all the same.
“Thanks.”
As quickly as I can, I swing by the commissary and head back to my room.
Jack’s perched on the bed beside Gem when I return. She’s lying on her front with her T-shirt lifted up, and he’s rubbing her back. I give myself a second to reallytake in the scene, because I want to start throwing hands. The strong smell of Tiger balm is in the air, and Gem sniffles. Jack leans back to look at me, revealing the agony on Gem’s face – red, with tears streaming down it, her lips pursed like she’s concentrating on pushing out her breath.
I drop every thought I shouldn’t have had and rush to her side. It wasn’t this bad when I left. Fuck, why did I waste time placating her brother or getting her chocolate when she needed me?
“Baby.” I kneel on the floor and hand her the soft dog, which she tucks under her stomach. I stroke her hair, hoping it soothes her, because I suddenly feel powerless. I can never be the one who gets her pregnant; if this is soul-destroying, seeing her in labour would be a thousand times worse. Though not being the one she starts a family with one day would be…unthinkable.
Toughen up, Thomas.
Jack finishes rubbing in the Tiger balm and steps away. I thank him with a half-smile, pushing aside my questions about why I felt jealous over that, but not about seeing his head between her legs.
I’ve heard cramps suck, but I’ve never seen them wipe out a person like this.
“I thought the painkillers woulda kicked in by now?”
“Sometimes they don’t.”
I cast a helpless look at Jack. He has to go for his shift, but I need him to stay. He’s done the boyfriend thing before – a long time ago, but still. He already seems to know all the tricks, and I know nothing.
“Is there anything else I can do?”
If she said having me roll around on a pile of razor blades would make her pain go away, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
She shakes her head and thanks me for the dog. I keep stroking her hair and wait for however long it takes for her pain to ease slightly, then I reach into my pocket and casually examine the candy bar in my hand before tearing it open.
“Tom, what are you doing? You’ve not even had breakfast yet.”
I roll my eyes like a kid being told he has to finish his homework before playing video games. “This is my breakfast.”
She looks at me perplexed.
“I’ve never had one of these before.” I attempt to bring her focus back to the bar.
“They’re really good.”
“I’m not sure. Looks kinda sus. Can you take the first bite, make sure it’s not poisonous?” I move it towards her, hoping she’ll take the bait.
She doesn’t.
“What are you up to?” She narrows her eyes at me.
Game over.“Your brother caught me filling up your hot dog. Said these made you feel better.”
She’s briefly lost in thought, either worrying about her brother having confirmation we’re back together or that he shared her secret craving. “Fuck it. A bit of chocolate isn’t going to be my biggest issue today.” And with that, she takes the bar from my hands. But she doesn’t bite off the end in a hurry like I thought she would, as if the quicker she does it, the quicker she can pretend she didn’t. Instead, she sucks it so slowly it’s sensual.
My jealousy was misplaced with Jack just now; it’s this chocolate bar I want to beat up for getting… Actually, I think my dick’s pleased for the break – not that I’m able to stop it from straining in my boxers.
She takes her time, sucking all the chocolate off a small piece of the end, and then she bites it off and enjoys it. Satisfied, she hands it over to me, and I’m desperate for a taste, because if it can make her that happy, it must be good.
I take a bite, expecting something completely new, but it’s familiar. “Oh, this tastes exactly like a Milky Way.”
“No, Milky Way’s a different thing. It’s all fluffy inside.”
“Like a 3 Musketeers bar?”
She looks at me strangely. “A what bar?”
I smile. “Never mind.”
I just had to fall in love with a British girl.