Chapter 21
NOAH
What a shitshow.
When I heard shouting and went below deck to investigate, I thought that maybe the toilet bowl had overflowed and they were screaming with disgust.
The last thing I expected was to see Kayleigh getting railed by Adonis.
And even when I saw what was going on, I still couldn’t reconcile their reactions.
Neither of them were apologetic. They were so casual about the whole thing that I was half expecting them to ask if they wanted me and Ali to join them.
Then again, Adonis basically did by asking Ali to finish him off.
Unbelievable.
But like I’d said to Ali, I wasn’t upset about it. I’d had a lucky escape.
And ultimately, Kayleigh had saved me the trouble of telling her it wasn’t working, which was what I would’ve done later this evening anyway.
It also meant that I was officially a free agent again.
Now I was able to fantasise about anyone I wanted without guilt.
If I was being honest though, there was only one person I was interested in thinking about. I’d basically said as much to Ali a moment ago, when I said that I’d only truly felt that spark with one woman, but I didn’t think she’d picked up on it.
I was sure that we were having a moment. I could feel the sexual tension in the air. And for a second I even thought that she was about to ask if I had feelings for her, but then Sammie had interrupted to tell us about the sunset.
Then once Sammie had confirmed that Kayleigh and Adonis had been moved to the other side of the boat and the toilet was free, Ali excused herself and went to the bathroom.
Maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that she did because it gave me a moment to gather my thoughts.
If Ali did ask how I felt about her, would I tell her the truth?
Right now, I wasn’t sure.
Although I was single and didn’t have any feelings for Kayleigh so I didn’t need time to get over her, I wasn’t sure if Ali and I should discuss this today.
We should at some point. Soon. But maybe once we got back to London would be better.
I knew from experience that timing was everything.
I’d lost count of the occasions over the years where I’d wanted to tell Ali how I felt, but she was in a relationship, so I’d held back.
Then when she was single, I was dating and pushing the feelings I had for Ali to the depths of my soul to convince myself that I was totally into the person I was going out with.
I was starting to realise that I’d been in denial. I genuinely believed that if I dated other people for long enough, I could forget her.
A sharp pain shot through my chest as I remembered that day when I overheard her telling her friend just how much she wasn’t into me.
‘So are you and Noah, like, a thing?’ her friend, who I think was called Samira had asked.
‘Noah?’ Ali had basically laughed. ‘Noooo! We’re just friends. He’s not my type. You know me. I like muscular, pretty boys and Noah, well, Noah’s just Noah.’
‘He’s a bit of a geek, right?’
‘Totally!’ Ali had said.
At that point I’d left. I didn’t need to stand around and listen to her list all of the other reasons she didn’t fancy me.
But her words cut through me like a knife.
I felt stupid for ever thinking we could be more than just friends. For waiting in the wings, so many times.
Yet, even though I knew I was being foolish, I still held out hope that one day she’d believe that I was enough. That I deserved her.
Of course, that day never came. And the more I was around Ali, the more I wanted her. And the more it hurt.
Which is why last year I’d decided that enough was enough. I couldn’t keep putting myself through the toxic cycle of hoping that maybe this year would be the year that I’d escape the friend zone and something would finally happen.
Looked like moving away hadn’t worked as well as I’d hoped though, because clearly I still had feelings for Ali.
I hadn’t realised until my reaction to her in a bikini earlier.
But the worrying thing was that Kayleigh, who’d known me for less than a week had somehow picked up on it. She’d said I was ‘obsessed’, which I didn’t agree with, but the point was if she’d noticed me looking at my best friend, did that mean that Ali had too?
That’d be so fucking embarrassing.
Maybe that was what Ali wanted to talk about earlier. She was about to politely tell me to back off. I could imagine her saying something like: ‘Noah, I’m worried that you have feelings for me. Just to make it clear, I’m not interested, so don’t get any stupid ideas about kissing me, you muppet!’
I dragged my hand down my face.
Thank fuck Sammie had interrupted us.
My brain replayed our conversation. Whilst I’d said I was relieved about things being over with Kayleigh because I wasn’t attracted to her, Ali had only said that she was ‘fine’. Which knowing her meant that she wasn’t okay.
Clearly it hadn’t sunk in yet and she was hurting about things going south with Adonis. Can’t have been easy to see him screwing Kayleigh so soon after she’d slept with him too. Although, given the size of his penis, I wondered how much Adonis really could’ve satisfied Ali.
And yeah, I know saying that made me sound like a dick, but I didn’t care. After what he did to Ali, I didn’t give two shits about insulting his manhood (or lack of it). Maybe he got her off in other ways though.
Anyway, I didn’t want to think about that. The point was, all the evidence showed that the attraction was one-way.
Earlier I’d considered asking Ali if she had romantic feelings for me, but now I saw that there was no point. If there was even the slightest hint of that, Adonis would’ve mentioned it, just like Kayleigh had.
The message of Taylor Swift’s ‘You Belong with Me (Taylor’s Version)’ felt so relevant right now. This was a classic case of unrequited love.
Shame I couldn’t list that as my song of the day.
Yep. Colin was right. I needed to forget about this crush and move on. Properly.
I might have just realised that I still wasn’t over Ali, but as far as she was concerned, I was still in the friend zone and I always would be.
Nothing had changed.
And the sooner I accepted that, the better.