Chapter 36
ALICIA
I sprinted over to Trish to check on her.
‘Trish? Are you okay?’ I asked.
This was the first time I’d got to speak to her all day and I wasn’t expecting to find her in tears.
She wiped her eyes then straightened her shoulders.
‘Truthfully?’ she said.
‘Of course,’ I replied.
‘Not really. I knew it was a bad idea to come, but I didn’t want to let Stella and Max down.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Take my advice. Never get involved with your best friend. It’ll save you a whole lot of heartache down the line.’
My stomach twisted.
‘What? Why?’ My brows pinched together. ‘I don’t understand. You and Brian are the perfect couple! You’re the friends-to-lovers role models! You always said that getting together was the best thing you ever did.’
‘Ha. Well, I was wrong!’ She sniffed. ‘I should’ve listened to my gut.
I never should’ve risked it. We were so much better as friends.
I could talk to him about anything. We never argued.
Everything was great. Now we’re breaking up and I’m left with nothing.
No boyfriend and most importantly, no best friend. ’
None of this was making sense.
Trish and Brian couldn’t break up. It was against the laws of love.
They were the gold standard.
They were always so in love.
Maybe this was just a blip though.
‘Sorry to hear you’re having problems. But that’s normal, right? No couple is perfect. There’s always going to be bumps in the road and disagreements. Whatever it is, you’ll get through it,’ I said, trying to sound positive.
‘No, Ali!’ she shouted. ‘We tried! It’s over. If I’m honest, it was over years ago. We got swept away in the excitement. After all that pining and crushing, getting together was fresh and fun. I thought the friendship would make our foundation stronger, but it ruined it.’
‘But how? Why?’
‘We spent too much time together. We relied too much on each other. In the end it was suffocating. And then it started to feel icky. Like sleeping with a brother. Gross. It’s just…
everything fell apart. And now we’ve lost each other forever.
We’ll never get that friendship back. I saw you getting cosy with Noah earlier.
I don’t know if anything has happened between you yet, but even if something has on this holiday, it’s still not too late.
Stop it whilst you still can. If you value your friendship, whatever you do, do not cross the line. It’ll go to shit. Trust me.’
Trish’s words landed like a punch in the gut.
It was as if she’d reached into my brain, seen the list of my concerns about getting into a relationship with Noah, then recited them back to me.
As her words repeatedly swirled around my head, I swallowed hard.
I never should’ve risked it.
We were so much better as friends.
Everything was great. Now we’re breaking up and I’m left with nothing.
No boyfriend and most importantly, no best friend.
We’ll never get that friendship back.
Even if something has happened on this holiday, it’s still not too late.
Stop it whilst you still can.
If you value your friendship, do not cross the line. It’ll go to shit.
Fuck.
Everything she’d said had happened to her and Brian was everything I’d always feared.
‘But maybe things will be different with me and Noah,’ I said weakly, still trying to cling to some kind of hope.
‘Maybe they will.’ She laughed. ‘But consider the odds. How many people who go from friends to lovers really go the distance? Name one. I’ll wait.’
I already knew the answer.
Yesterday, hearing about Cassie’s cousin’s successful relationship with her best friend combined with what I thought was Trish and Brian’s perfect partnership had given me hope. So much so that I’d allowed myself to get swept away with the fairy tale that Noah and I could make a go of things.
But now I knew differently.
Trish and Brian were over.
Their fallout was worse than the one I’d had with Dale. And that was saying something.
When Dale and I moved out of the friend zone everything failed spectacularly.
At the time I was nervous about crossing the line, but our friendship was solid, so I was convinced it would all work out. But it barely lasted two months.
Although we were good friends, we didn’t have as much history as Noah and I had, so eventually I’d got over him.
I couldn’t let what happened with Dale happen with Noah.
Losing all contact with Noah would be beyond catastrophic.
There was no way I’d ever get over that.
‘I’m sure there’s plenty of couples who were friends who made it,’ I lied, desperate to stay positive. ‘There’s Cassie’s cousin – Bella. She’s been in a relationship with her best friend Mike for years and Cassie said they’re still madly in love.’
‘I have no idea who they are, but do you know them well?’ Trish asked.
‘No, but—’
‘I rest my case. Look, I’m not trying to rain on your parade.
This wasn’t why we came. I thought I’d be doing the right thing by putting on a brave face and showing our support for Stella and Max, but it was a mistake.
Brian and I can’t even stand to be in the same room together, so it’s been impossible to pretend that we’re okay in front of everyone. ’
‘Did something else happen?’ I asked.
‘Oh, what you mean the fact that he ended up screwing his “work wife”?’
‘Brian cheated?’ I gasped. ‘No!’
I couldn’t get my head around any of this.
Brian worshipped the ground Trish walked on. He was so into her. If anyone needed persuading to take the next relationship step, it wasn’t him. It was Trish.
‘Yep! He was horny and bored apparently. Remember the whole brother-sister thing I mentioned before?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well, that. After the initial fireworks of getting together, we stopped having sex. We became more like flatmates. Things were just too comfortable for us. We ran out of things to talk about. The funny thing is, I can’t even blame him for fucking out on me.
He did it long after things started to go south between us, so surprisingly, the infidelity wasn’t what broke us.
If I’d had the opportunity, I might’ve done the same to him. ’
I staggered backwards. This wasn’t happening.
This felt like the adult equivalent of discovering that the tooth fairy and Father Christmas weren’t real all on the same day.
‘Anyway,’ Trish started walking away. ‘I’m gonna call it a night. I’ve changed my flight to leave first thing in the morning. Staying in a romantic setting like this is too painful. Good to see you though, Ali, and remember what I said. Don’t risk it.’
She squeezed my shoulder as she left.
I stood there. Rooted to the spot.
My head was spinning.
This was too much to take in.
I leant against the wall, attempting to steady myself and calm my racing thoughts.
What if Trish was right?
If someone as besotted as Brian could cheat, if Trish and Brian could grow apart so spectacularly, that meant that no relationship was safe.
They hated each other.
What if that happened to me and Noah? I didn’t want to lose his friendship. I couldn’t. The sex was amazing, but was it worth putting everything on the line?
His friendship meant more to me than anything else.
‘Ali?’ Noah’s voice sounded. I didn’t even hear him coming. ‘Are you okay? I’ve been looking for you.’
Noah went to kiss me, but I quickly turned my head.
‘We shouldn’t do this,’ I blurted out.
‘Do what?’ He frowned.
‘This.’ I gestured between our bodies. ‘Us. I know I said before that we should see how things go and discuss having a relationship once we’re in London, but it’s too risky.
We should just go back to being friends.
We’re in too much of a bubble here. The amazing sex has clouded our judgement. We’re not thinking clearly.’
‘What?’ Noah barked. ‘I know you said you wanted to take things slow, but that was before. It’s different now. Last night was—’
‘Incredible. I know. But we should stop. Whilst we still can. Whilst we still like each other.’
‘Where’s this coming from? I sensed you were holding back before, but this feels different. I don’t get it?’
‘Yeah. I’ve been worried about the risks for a while.
But I just spoke to Trish. I was expecting her to tell me that I was worrying unnecessarily.
I hoped she’d give me advice on how you and I could make things work.
But instead, she warned me against crossing the line.
She told me how terrible things were between her and Brian.
They can’t even bear to be in the same room as each other, Noah!
They hate each other! He cheated and she said she was tempted to do the same.
I don’t want that for us. I want us to stay friends, forever.
We shouldn’t do this. There’s too much at stake. ’
A tear rolled down my cheek and my stomach tightened.
Saying that I wanted to end things with Noah before they’d even properly begun cut like a knife, but it had to be done. Short-term pain for long-term gain, right?
‘But we’re not Trish and Brian!’ Noah argued. ‘We’re us. We’ll be different.’
‘Maybe. But what if we’re not? Look what happened to me and Dale. When things imploded with him, we couldn’t stand being around each other either.’
‘Dale was a dick,’ Noah scoffed. ‘He only pretended to be your friend to get in your knickers. And you were only mates for what, two years before you got together? We’ve known each other for more than two decades.’
‘Exactly! There’s too much for us to lose. Neither of us can know for sure if it’ll work out. No one gets together with someone expecting they’ll break up. This is serious.’
‘Listen.’ Noah placed his hands on my shoulders.
‘I know it’s serious. Believe me. And I understand your concerns.
I really do. But I have to be honest with you, Ali.
I can’t go back to being just friends. Not now.
Not after these past few days. Not after the time we’ve spent together.
The things we’ve done. The things we’ve said. I’m too far gone.’
His words landed like a gut punch.
My stomach tensed then plummeted a million metres below the earth.
Instead of focusing on the fact that Noah had fallen for me, which should’ve been a wonderful feeling, all I could think about was him saying that if we didn’t stay together romantically, we couldn’t be friends any more.
My greatest fear was about to come to life.
‘You can’t mean that!’ I said, desperation filling my voice.
‘We have to find a way back. It’s not too late.
You only feel like you’ve fallen hard for me because we’re at this hotel.
Everything feels extra special and more intense because we’re on holiday.
Because we’re surrounded by all of this opulence.
But what about when we’re in the real world and you’ve left the toilet seat up for the hundredth time despite me asking you not to? ’
‘You know I don’t do that.’ He flashed a half smile, but we both knew that now wasn’t a time to attempt humour.
‘It’s just an example! You’ll get annoyed about my hairs clogging up the shower plughole or me taking too long in the bathroom and we’ll end up hating each other. You know I care for you, Noah, but—’
‘Care for me?’ He laughed. ‘That’s how you feel? Ali, I fucking love you. Not because of this trip or this fancy hotel. I’ve always loved you. I moved to the other side of London because of it.’
‘Wait. What?’ My jaw flopped open. ‘You love me. Wow. I…’
My brain scrambled.
Obviously, I knew Noah loved me platonically. I’d always loved him like that too. But I knew from his expression that he was talking about a different kind of love.
The romantic, everlasting kind.
This was huge.
This was beyond amazing.
But it was also overwhelming.
I tried and failed to process the enormity of his declaration. Then I remembered the other part of what he’d just said.
‘I… you…’ I stuttered. ‘You moved away because you loved me? That makes no sense.’
‘I didn’t have a choice. You clearly weren’t interested in starting anything romantic with me and I couldn’t stand to see you dating other men when I knew how much I wanted to be with you.
I hoped that moving away would help me suppress my feelings and forget about you.
That’s why I avoided meeting up and video calls, but it didn’t help. ’
Whoa.
I blinked several times.
Now so many things made sense.
I’d noticed the shift and the fact that he was being distant, but never in a million years did I think that his love for me was the reason.
‘I had no idea you felt that way,’ I said. ‘I wish you’d said something.’
‘I thought about it. So many times. But you’d never shown any interest in me romantically and all the evidence suggested you’d reject me, so I thought moving away was the best way to preserve our friendship.’
That also made sense.
I thought back to those times that I’d had a crush on Noah and how impossible it’d felt back then to even consider expressing my feelings.
The stakes seemed too high. Just like they had when I realised on the boat that I was still attracted to him.
Just like they did now, even though we both knew how we felt.
‘Don’t you see,’ I said. ‘That’s exactly what I’m trying to do now. That’s why we should stop. So that we don’t ruin everything. Maybe one day, things will be different, but—’
‘No, Ali!’ Noah’s nostrils flared. ‘I’m done waiting.
I’ve spent my whole life being patient and hoping that one day you’d want me the way that I wanted you.
I already know what I want. I’ve always known.
And that’s you. It’s an easy decision for me.
A no-brainer. Clearly you don’t feel the same, otherwise it’d be a no-brainer for you too. ’
‘But I do! I really do care for you, Noah.’
‘But you don’t love me!’ he retorted.
‘I do love you!’
‘As a friend.’
‘I…’ I paused. ‘I haven’t put a label on my feelings yet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. There’s no one else I’d want to be with, but—’
‘But you don’t want to ruin the friendship.
I heard you the first and the hundredth time.
Look, we’re going around in circles.’ He blew out a frustrated breath.
‘You need to work out what you want. Once and for all. Either you want to be with me or you don’t.
When you get off the fence and make a decision, call me.
But you’ll need to do it soon, because I can’t keep waiting around forever, hoping that you’ll change your mind. It’s not healthy for me. Night.’
Noah stormed off leaving me standing there, my mind racing at a million miles an hour.
He’d made his position very clear.
Either we make a go of things or we break contact forever.
Right now, it felt like an impossible decision.
Both options carried risks and serious consequences.
And I had no idea what to do.