Chapter 37
NOAH
So it wasn’t a dream.
As I opened my eyes and the memories of my argument with Ali last night came flooding back, I realised that it really did happen.
We were over.
Before we’d really had a proper chance to begin.
All because she was afraid.
Because she didn’t think we were worth the risk.
That I wasn’t worth the risk.
What hurt the most was that she didn’t even want to try.
Ali didn’t want to fight for us.
Colin was right. She didn’t feel the same. She couldn’t. Otherwise she’d never have been able to end things so easily.
What I’d said to her was true. I loved her. So much it hurt.
When she’d said that she cared for me and hadn’t put a label on her feelings yet, that told me everything I needed to know.
I didn’t even have to think about how I felt about her for a millisecond. It was as clear as the light of day. If Ali had to consider labels and meanings to describe her feelings it was because she didn’t have them. Well, not strong enough ones anyway.
After I’d stormed off last night, I’d headed straight to my room. I was too upset. Just when I thought things were finally going to work out, the rug was pulled out from under me.
Did I understand Ali’s concerns? Yes, of course I did. I knew that there was no malice in her actions. She wasn’t deliberately trying to hurt me. Ali was clearly just scared. I was too. I knew there was a risk. But some risks were worth taking.
It wasn’t enough for me to believe that though. Relationships were a two-way street. Ali needed to feel the same too.
And what I’d said was true. I couldn’t do the to-ing and fro-ing any more.
I needed to know one way or the other how she felt.
It wasn’t fair for me to keep putting my life on hold and waiting in the wings.
I still had some self-respect. I loved Ali but I couldn’t continue fucking with my mental health.
I’d done all that I could. I’d laid my feelings on the line. I’d told Ali how I felt and what I needed. Now the ball was firmly in her court.
I jumped out of bed, showered, then ate the fruit in the bowl in my room. I didn’t feel like eating a full breakfast right now.
As I started to pack, my chest tightened. I couldn’t believe that in just a few hours, I’d be heading to the airport, about to board a plane back to London.
Less than twenty-four hours ago I thought I’d be going home planning a future with my girlfriend. The woman I’d loved for more years than I could remember.
Instead, I was returning just as single as I’d arrived.
Worse still, as well as missing out on enjoying a relationship, there was a real possibility that I was going back without my greatest friendship too.
I wanted to believe that there was still hope, but the reality was, I might have to deal with the fact that last night could be the last time that I saw Ali.
This could really be the end for us.
And that sobering thought instantly cracked my heart into a million tiny pieces.