Chapter 38
ALICIA
It’d been two days since I’d returned to London.
Two long, painful, sad days.
I doubted if I’d had more than a couple of hours’ sleep each night and, as a result, I had more dark circles under my eyes than a panda. The crying hadn’t helped.
Everything was such a mess.
Noah and I never argued. He was always so calm and understanding. He never raised his voice. So to see how angry he was that last night in Santorini was a huge shock.
That alone told me how upset he was.
I knew I’d fucked up. I knew I’d hurt him.
But what I still didn’t know was how to fix it.
Once he’d left, I’d just stood there, tears rolling down my cheeks, reeling over what had happened.
I’d contemplated returning to the wedding reception, but I couldn’t stomach it. Instead, I’d messaged Sammie to say I was tired and was going to my room.
Sammie being Sammie immediately took that as code for me and Noah slipping away to get up to no good, but little did she know that this time, she was way off base.
I’d spent the rest of the night crying on my bed, replaying our conversation and wishing that I’d handled it differently.
And now it was too late.
The irony wasn’t lost on me that suggesting to Noah that we cool things to save our friendship had resulted in me losing him. For good.
What an idiot.
Joel Adams’s ‘Please Don’t Go’ played in the background reminding me of how badly I’d messed up.
I pulled the duvet back over my head. I’d called in sick to work yesterday and done the same today.
My boss was shocked as she knew that was so unlike me. In general, I didn’t mind my job. I was the one who soldiered on and dragged my arse into the office even if I was feeling like crap.
I’d always believed that I’d rather do that and get sent home than not make the effort and have everyone thinking I’d got drunk the night before, was suffering from a hangover and couldn’t be bothered to come to work.
But I knew I couldn’t face going to the office today. I was genuinely unwell. Heartbreak was a legit illness, right? It sure as shit felt like it. I’d gladly accept suffering from the flu, a stomach bug and a stinking headache for a week if I could get rid of this constant ache in my chest.
The doorbell rang and my eyes instantly popped.
Who the hell was that?
My first instinct was to worry about whether my boss had sent someone to check on me to confirm that I was really ill. But I dismissed it.
Then my stupid, dumb brain hoped that it was Noah coming to say he couldn’t live without me and wanted us to be together.
In your dreams, my subconscious rolled its eyes.
As much as I wished it was him, I knew that wasn’t realistic. After all, the man had put his heart on the line. Made himself vulnerable and told me he loved me and what had I done?
Stuttered like an idiot and ruined everything, that’s what.
There was no way Noah would come. And I didn’t blame him.
He’d told me point-blank that I needed to make a decision and he wasn’t going to wait around for me, so there was nothing left for him to say.
After dragging myself out of bed I trudged towards my door. When I opened it, Sammie was standing there.
‘So you’re alive!’ she said.
Without saying a word I flung my arms around her neck, then started sobbing. I’d never been so happy to see my big sis.
‘Oh, hon.’ She rubbed my back. ‘I’m supposed to be heading straight to Paris with Romeo, but I told him I needed to make a detour to London first to check on you.’
My heart squeezed. I was so grateful for Sammie.
‘Sorry.’ I wiped my eyes. ‘I didn’t mean to mess up your plans.’
‘Don’t apologise! I’m not doing my job as your overprotective sister if I don’t make sure you’re okay. And it’s fine. We’ll get the Eurostar later and will be back tonight ready to start work tomorrow.’
‘Thanks,’ I sniffed.
‘I’m guessing that you and Noah haven’t made up yet then?’
On Sunday afternoon, when I’d reluctantly hauled myself to reception to say bye to Sammie, I’d briefly told her what happened. She didn’t have much time to speak because with most of the wedding party leaving the hotel that afternoon, she was busy seeing everyone off.
I’d said I’d call her yesterday, once I’d settled back home, but I just couldn’t face it. After I’d messaged my boss to say I wouldn’t be in for a few days, my phone ran out of battery and I didn’t have the strength or motivation to charge it.
That small action of sliding the charger into the port at the bottom of the phone just seemed like too much effort. Like the equivalent of lifting up a lorry with my little finger then throwing it a thousand metres, it just felt impossible.
‘No,’ I sobbed.
Sammie took my hand, closed the front door then led me into the living room.
We sat on the sofa and in between snotty tears, I told her the full story. All about my conversation with Trish, what I’d suggested to Noah and his reaction.
‘Okay,’ Sammie sighed. ‘Real talk. I’m with Noah on this one. You have to make a decision. Either you’re all in or not. If you stay on the fence, you’ll get splinters in your arse.’
‘Beautifully put as always.’ I attempted a weak smile. ‘I know.’
‘And I understand that it’s scary for you and you’re worried about all the what-ifs.
But anything worth having doesn’t come easy.
Especially not love. Some of the best things happen when you step outside of your comfort zone.
Crikey! Did you hear all those wise words I just said?
That shit was deep. I should get them printed on a T-shirt. I’d make a fortune!’
The corner of my mouth twitched. ‘I’m sure you’re right. I just wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what the outcome would be, so I don’t make the wrong decision.’
‘I wish I could have one so I could find out the lottery numbers and become a millionaire, but life isn’t like that.
You just have to take the leap and hope that the parachute opens or there’s a crash mat waiting to soften the landing.
When I fell for Romeo, I knew I was taking a risk by leaving London to be with him, but I just felt in my gut that it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t imagine a life without him.’
‘That’s how I feel! Noah’s been in my life forever and I couldn’t stand to never see him again.
To never hear his laugh, see his smile, have one of his amazing hugs, to spend hours talking about everything and nothing, then fall asleep in his arms. He’s the most amazing, sweetest, funniest man I know and I… ’
The sound of something dropping through the letterbox vibrated around the room, interrupting my thoughts.
‘Is that the post?’ Sammie asked.
‘Probably.’ I shrugged, not really caring.
‘I’ll go. And I’ll make you a cuppa so you can continue telling me all about the reasons you love Noah.’
I was about to protest and tell her that I wasn’t listing reasons that I loved Noah, just naming all of the things that I’d miss if I didn’t see him again, but Sammie had already left the room.
She returned a few minutes later clutching two giant mugs filled with tea, a plate of biscuits and a grin the size of a dozen oceans on her face.
After resting the mugs on the coffee table, she sat down.
‘I think you’re going to want to see this!’ she said, waving a piece of card in the air.
‘What’s…?’ I didn’t even get to finish my sentence. As soon as she handed it to me, I understood why Sammie was looking so pleased with herself.
It was a postcard.
From Santorini.
The one that Noah had sent me when we’d gone to Fira.
Even though Petros had said that post from Santorini sometimes arrived in London in as little as three to five days, I was still shocked that it’d been delivered so fast.
I quickly turned over the postcard to read the message Noah had written:
To my darling Ali,
You deserve the world. Never forget that.
Love always,
No-No xxx
I swallowed the lump in my throat and my eyes began to water. There were less than twenty words in that message, but there was so much love, so much meaning in them.
Seeing that he’d used my childhood nickname for him, No-No instantly made my heart squeeze.
Mum said I’d called him that when I was four because I’d said it was easier than saying ‘Nowah’, which was apparently how I used to pronounce his name.
And he’d remembered.
He’d written this before everything kicked off with Adonis, but even then he was subtly telling me not to settle. Reminding me that I deserved more than the guys I’d wasted so many years dating.
Noah was trying to tell me that I deserved him.
But did I?
If I really deserved a man like Noah, I would’ve fought for him.
I would’ve done everything I could to keep him.
If I was really worried about missing him, never hugging, speaking or kissing him again, I wouldn’t give up.
I’d show him just how much he meant to me.
And the truth was, he meant everything.
Noah was my world. My universe.
And I couldn’t imagine one without him in it.
I knew that Trish was upset, but she was wrong to project her negative experience with Brian onto me.
Noah and I were different.
We were strong.
We were perfect for each other.
We were in love.
Shit.
I loved him.
I really, really loved Noah. Like crazy.
Not platonic love.
This was never-want-to-live-without-him romantic love topped with a million Ali-and-Noah-forever doodles and a gazillion love hearts.
I jumped off the sofa.
‘So has the penny finally dropped?’ Sammie smiled. ‘Have you finally realised what I and everyone around you have seen for donkey’s years? That you love Noah, Noah loves you and you should be together?’
‘Yes!’ I squealed.
‘Thank fuck for that!’ Sammie chuckled. ‘You may have been a bit slow on the uptake. Actually, that’s the understatement of the century. You were slower than an incapacitated snail, denser than a lump of rock…’
‘Okay, okay!’ I laughed. ‘I get it. I was an idiot.’
‘Yep. Prize plonker.’
‘I know. And I also know that I need to do something about it. Noah said that I had to make a decision, which I’ve done.
I want to be with him. I believe in us. We’ll be great together.
But somehow just telling him that and saying that I love him doesn’t feel like enough.
I need to show him that I’m in it forever. ’
‘Preach!’ Sammie cheered.
‘The only thing is, I haven’t got a Scooby-Doo.’
I laughed as a memory of Noah using that phrase when we were kids flashed into my mind.
He’d heard his dad use the cockney rhyming slang and thought it was a hilarious way to say you didn’t have a clue. Noah then used it at every opportunity.
If you asked him what he wanted to eat or if he didn’t know the answer to a homework question, his response was always the same: ‘I haven’t got a Scooby-Doo!’
After about a month of his obsession, I was ready to lobby for that phrase to be banned for eternity. But now I’d do anything to hear him say it again.
What I’d said was true though. I really didn’t have a Scooby. I rested my finger on my chin, considering my options.
It had to be something that said ‘relationship’. Something that screamed ‘this is for keeps’.
Noah loved animals. Could I get a dog, name it Noah Junior and suggest that we parent it together? It wasn’t the same as marriage and having babies, but it was a serious responsibility, right?
No.
Somehow rocking up to his place and saying, ‘Hey Noah, I’ve realised I love you and to prove it I’ve got us a dog to look after,’ didn’t quite cut the mustard.
Plus, who’d take care of our pup whilst we were at work?
I had to do better.
‘I can’t help you there, I’m afraid,’ Sammie said. ‘But you’re right. It has to be something that proves your commitment and brings you together in a good way. Something that’s a natural progression for your relationship.’
I paused, racking my brain for an answer.
Then just like that, it hit me.
‘I’ve got it!’ I beamed.
‘Yeah?’
‘Yep!’
‘Just to add, that as much as you guys love each other, having a baby or getting married is still a big decision that should be considered carefully and—’
‘No, that’s not my idea! I’ve thought of something else. Something I’m sure that Noah would love.’
Now I just had to find a way to make my idea happen…