Chapter 34
thirty-four
Josh
The SUV moves forward a few inches, then stops again.
Typical Midtown gridlock—honking horns, people shouting profanities, pedestrians darting across the streets like they’ve got nine lives.
I lean my head back against the window and let the city blur, because my mind’s not on the traffic. It hasn’t been all morning.
With the guys doing their own thing around me, it’s quiet enough for me to lose myself in the “what ifs”.
What if I asked Kate to come to L.A. with me?
Not just for a few days, but to stay. To see what it would be like—us, in the real world, without the walls of the tour to protect us.
I’d give her everything, but what if it’s too much?
What if she said yes?
What if she looked at me like I had three heads and told me it was too fast?
What if she said yes?
The thought won’t let go. The image of her in my house, in my space, in my life, not just visiting, but part of it. Falling asleep with her in my arms every night and waking up next to her every morning.
The SUV lurches forward again, bringing me back to the present. As I stare out the window, watching people pass by who all seem to know exactly where they’re going, I can’t help but wonder if she knows where we’re going. Wonder if she wants to find out.
We arrive at the SiriusXM studios a few minutes late, but no one seems to be too bothered by it. We’re checked in and led upstairs to Howard Stern’s studio, fitted with headsets, handed microphones, and plopped down on the oversized couch.
Visiting Stern is always one of my favorite parts about coming to New York City. You never know what you’re going to get into on this show because he might just be the only bastard on Earth who’s more chaotic than I am.
“You guys are twenty-eight shows deep, you’ve got two left, and somehow, Josh Calloway still has vocal cords?” he says after the first few minutes of small talk.
Eric chuckles beside me, his fingers tapping a lazy rhythm on the calf of the leg he has resting over his knee. I smirk, holding the mic in my hand to my mouth.
“They are hanging on by a thread.”
“Bullshit,” he says. “I’ve seen the videos on social media. You sound better now than you did on your second record, and that’s not me blowing smoke. That scream in ‘Blood Moon?’ That’s filthy, man. Filthy and sexy.”
Kevin groans. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Now we’ll have to hear about his ‘sexy scream’ all the way back to the hotel.”
“Damn right,” I grin.
“You’ve been doing this a long time now—stadiums, arenas, sold-out shows almost every night—but you’ve mentioned in a few interviews already that something about this run feels different. Why do you think that is?”
Eric chimes in, “It’s felt more emotional this time. The fans, the energy, they’re really bringing something extra this round.”
We all murmur our agreement.
“It all started in Nashville,” Max adds. “That was about two weeks in, and that first night changed the energy for the rest of the tour.”
“I don’t know if the fans saw us telling the Nashville crowd we were going to just stay there and took it as a challenge or what,” Kevin says.
“But the energy from then on out has been off the charts. I don’t want to speak for these guys, but I feel like these have been the best crowds, man. Maybe ever.”
We dive into a few more questions—favorite venues (Red Rocks, unanimously), weirdest fan gifts (Eric once got a taxidermy squirrel wearing sunglasses and playing a small set of drums), how the setlist came together for this tour (a spreadsheet from hell courtesy of Dani and Kate).
There’s laughter, quick jabs, and a few moments of real weight, especially when Stern circles back to how long we’ve been doing this, and how rare it is that four original members still play together after all this time.
“You’ve got to butt heads every now and then,” he prods with that familiar, shit-eating grin on his face.
The one that shows up when he’s trying to stir the pot or pull something controversial out of somebody.
“I mean, come on, you basically live together for six to ten months a year. You see each other more than you see your families.”
I watch Max flinch a bit, as if the harsh reality of that statement hits him harder than the rest of us.
“That’s what’s been so crazy, though,” Eric says. “We don’t, and I think that’s why we’re able to do what we do for as long as we’ve been doing it. There’s almost no one else I’d rather spend my time with than these three assholes.”
We all laugh and wrap the interview with a few rapid-fire questions—best prank pulled on tour, most likely to get lost in a hotel, who takes the longest to get ready, song that will never get pulled from the setlist—before we close it out with a five-song acoustic set, pile back into the SUV, and head back toward the hotel.
I slide my phone out of my pocket and send a text to Kate, who’s been busy exploring the city with Dani and Ty all morning.
Josh: So, what do you think of New York?
Kate: Josh, THE. FOOD. I’m going to leave here weighing at least twenty pounds more than I did when I arrived.
I smile at my phone, ignoring the ache in my chest. I’m glad she’s having a good time, but I wish it were with me. I want to take her to all my favorite spots. Show her all my favorite things. Watch her face light up when she sees something she likes.
Josh: Glad you’re having a good time.
Kate: Do you want to meet us for lunch?
“Kate and the girls want to know if we want to meet up with them somewhere for lunch,” I offer the group, not at all surprised when Eric is the first one to speak.
“Oh, hell yeah.”
“We should see if we can get a spot at Carmine’s,” Max says. “If we can, I’m in.”
Josh: Have Dani call Carmine’s in Time’s Square. She knows how to get reservations for us.
Kate texts back a few minutes later to confirm the reservation, and relief hits me like a wave, because it means I’ll get to see her before sound check.
I keep telling myself I want her to have space, to figure out who she is beyond us, and I do.
God, I do. But the truth is, the closer we get to the end of this tour, the harder it is to let go.
I want to give her all the space she needs to grow and do whatever she needs to do for herself, but I also want to steal every second I can because I’m already grieving the minutes I don’t get to have her.
When we enter the restaurant an hour later, Kate is already at the table wedged between Ty and Dani, and I’m irrationally angry that I won’t be sitting beside her. Especially when Eric wastes no time planting his ass in the chair next to Tyler looking happy as a clam. The bastard.
I decide the next best thing to sitting beside Kate is sitting across from her, so I pull the chair out and plop down before anyone else gets a chance.
She leans forward as if she’s looking at the menu in front of her, but I feel her fingers brush my knees from under the table. Desperate for more contact, I slouch in my chair, fighting a groan as her hands slide up to rest on my thighs.
I’ve never been more thankful for a tablecloth than I am right now, because she’s touching me. In public. And god damn, I will never get tired of having this woman’s hands on my body.
She pulls away and sits up straighter when the waitress comes to take our drink orders, but I’m not ready to go without physical contact just yet, so I slouch lower, tucking my knees between hers. I watch a smile tug at her mouth as she bumps one of her legs lightly against mine.
I place my drink order when it’s my turn and get a glare from Dani.
“What?” I ask.
“Sit up,” she scolds. “This is a nice place, and you look like you’re about to melt into a puddle.” I roll my eyes and pull myself up straighter, watching as Kate hides her laugh behind her glass of water.
When the food arrives, I pick up the plate in front of Kate and, since everything is served family-style, ask what she wants to eat. Her eyes go wide, and I can feel the weight of everyone’s focus shifting to me.
Shit.
“What?” I say, scoffing and trying to play it off. “Ladies first. You fuckers going to judge me for being the only gentleman at the table?”
Eric rolls his eyes, but I can tell he’s kicking himself for not offering to do the same for Tyler. Dani hands her plate over, and Tyler follows suit, and I end up serving all three women their lunches before digging into what remains and scooping it onto my own plate.
We spend the next two hours stuffing ourselves full of chicken parmesan, the best meatballs I’ve ever eaten, and various forms of pasta while we reminisce about the tour and by the end, I’m not sure if my stomach hurts from all the food or from laughing so much.
I raise my glass of water in front of me. “A toast,” I say. “This tour has been one I will never forget. I’ve never laughed harder, performed harder, or felt more like myself than I have over the last few months.”
Everyone slowly raises their glasses.
“And somewhere along the way,” I continue, not bothering to hide the grin that grows across my face.
“I figured out that it’s not the cities or the shows that make this whole circus worth it.
It’s the people you drag along for the ride.
The ones who see you at your worst and don’t run.
The ones who remember who you are when you forget. ”
My gaze flicks to Kate, just for a moment.
“So, here’s to the people who remind us where home really is.”
I raise my glass.
“To the road. To the band. To family. To making it through—and to whatever the hell comes next.”
Glasses clink all around me and cheers echo down the long table, and when Kate’s eyes meet mine, everyone and everything around me fades away. For a moment, it’s just her and me.
And the truth sitting quietly between us.