Chapter 40
“Would it be alright with you if I kept living here, full-time?” I looked at Mimi as we drove down the beach road toward Edgartown. As soon as she picked me up from the boat, I’d told her about canceling the interview. “I’ll take good care of the house,” I promised.
She smiled. “I was wondering when you’d finally ask.”
Relief settled at least some of my nerves. I sank into the passenger seat and texted my family and Natalie to tell them my decision was made: I’d be staying on Martha’s Vineyard.
When we got back to Mimi’s house, I changed as quickly as I could, anxious to go to Luke’s and tell him my good news—that I was staying, that I’d somehow finally shaken off the insecurities that compelled me to take that interview in the first place.
The excitement humming underneath my skin to finally start living life on my own terms was building to a crescendo.
When I pulled into Luke’s driveway, the flickering, blueish light of the TV filtered through the living room window.
I cut the engine and bounded up the front walkway.
My hand stopped at the door handle. As far as Luke knew, I was spending the night at a hotel in Boston and returning tomorrow.
I’d typed out several messages to him on the bus ride, but none of them quite conveyed what I wanted to say, so I never sent any of them.
I couldn’t just throw open the door. Even though it felt strange to knock on the front door of the house that had begun to feel like home, I did it anyway.
Moments later, I heard the faint taps of bare feet on hardwood floors.
Luna opened the door, Luke a few steps behind her.
“Val!” She wrapped her arms around my waist.
I hugged her back.
“Hey, Luna.” I made eye contact with Luke over her head. Surprise was plain on his features.
“Clara loved my purple nails!” Luna wiggled her fingers at me.
“She has good taste.”
“Yep!” Luna retreated to the couch, one of the books we bought yesterday open on the table. The Red Sox game was on TV, and Luke had a kitchen towel draped over his shoulder.
I opened my mouth to explain my presence to Luke at the same time that he asked, “What are you—um, did something happen?”
“I canceled the interview.”
He inclined his head toward the kitchen, and I followed him.
“Why?” he asked, a line appearing between his eyebrows. I didn’t blame him. I’d been all over the place lately.
“It’s not what I want. I want to write. I want to implement that Author Business Plan we made. I want to stay here.”
The thin line of his lips turned up in the corner and light entered his eyes. He was standing on the other side of the kitchen island from me. Too far away.
“Good.”
That’s it?
I glanced over my shoulder at Luna on the couch.
“Can we—” I started.
“Yeah. Luna, we’re going out back for a minute.”
“Okay,” she said, unbothered. “Can I change the channel?”
“Sure.”
He closed the slider, creating a sound barrier between us and Luna. We moved to the far side of the deck, out of view from the windows. Luke wrapped his strong arms around me, and I finally felt like I could breathe.
When he pulled back and looked at my face, his was knotted with concern.
I smiled at him. “I’m happy. I didn’t really want to do it; I just thought I should. I let worrying about what other people think get the better of me. You were right, Luke. I’m happy here.”
My fingers played with the ends of his hair, arms still wrapped around his neck.
His hands flexed on my hips, compelling me to bring my lips to his.
His kissed me back sweetly, tongue teasing but not delving.
He was holding back. I felt it in my bones.
Was it because Luna could walk outside at any moment?
I looked up at him. “Can we tell Luna now? It would be nice to be able to kiss and hold hands a little more, start having sleepovers again?” I raised my eyebrows and pursed my lips flirtatiously.
His gaze hardened. “Val,” he said, dissent in his tone.
My stomach dropped like a brick through water. Something was wrong. My heart rate climbed, fast. Too fast. The tingling started.
Fuck. I need to sit down.
His eyes searched mine. He opened his mouth and closed it again. He took a step back from me, breaking my hold on his neck, and ran a hand down his face.
The cloudiness moved in at the base of my skull. Before it got any worse, I sat down on the wooden boards of the deck, bent my knees, and wrapped my arms around them. I sucked in a deep breath, not able to look at him for a second.
A moment later, he was kneeling in front of me, hands covering mine on my knees.
“I’m sor—” I started to say.
“What’s happen—”
“I’m fine, I promise.” My heaving chest proved I was lying. But I would be fine in a minute or two. The stoniness on his face moments ago was replaced entirely with concern.
I haven’t felt a disconnect like this with him…ever. Something was off and my chest ached with worry. Did he change his mind? He texted me earlier that he wants us to be together either way.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, forming an O with my lips as I released it. You’re okay, I told myself. This panic doesn’t control you. If Luke ends things right now, would you change any decision you’ve made?
No.
My heart would shatter, but I’d survive. I knew myself better now.
The clouds in the back of my head retreated and my breathing leveled out. My internal pep talk made me brave enough to say, “Something’s wrong. Can you please just tell me what it is?”
“Hey.” He pushed my hair behind my ears. “Nothing is wrong. I am so happy for you, Val. You know I didn’t want you to take that job, that I thought you’d be happier if you stayed here and kept doing what you were doing. But I didn’t want to pressure you either way, that’s why I texted you today.”
“That meant a lot to me.” I chewed my lip and studied him. His deep brown eyes were back to their normal, soft demeanor.
His mouth quirked up. “I’m glad.”
My eyes continued searching his face, his posture, needing more of an explanation.
“I’m just processing. I didn’t know you’d be back tonight.
I’d prepared myself for both alternatives—that they’d woo you and convince you to take the job, and we’d need to figure out how to adjust our lives around it, or that maybe you’d decide not to take the job because you like writing and having freedom more.
I spent all day trying not to get attached to either possibility, but I couldn’t shake my selfish desire that you’d turn it down. ”
“It’s not just writing, Luke. It’s you. I want to be here with you. I don’t want to move to Boston and only see you and Luna on the weekends. But if it makes you feel better, I would have chosen not to take the job whether I had you and Luna in my life or not.”
He nodded and his shoulders dropped with relief. My hand clung to his, holding it against my leg. He lifted my legs and moved closer to me, placing my feet down on either side of his hips. His lips dropped to mine.
“I’m so happy you’re staying,” he said into my lips, brushing mine with each word.
“Me too.” I smiled, finally. “It’s like I didn’t know what making the right decision would feel like until right now.”
The smile on his perfect lips reached his eyes and calm washed over me. “Can we tell Luna? Please? Do you think she’ll be happy or need a little time to adjust?” The stream of excited questions flowed from my lips in a burst.
The consternation I saw on his face earlier returned to his eyes. His mouth clamped shut.
Tears of confusion pooled behind my eyes, hot and frustrated. I’m still missing something. I didn’t give him a chance to respond. “If there’s a reason you want to wait a little longer, we can. I just…” I was at a loss for words; hurt penetrated all of my senses.
“I just want you to be sure,” he whispered.
“Luke! I am sure. I have no doubts. I literally ran back to the bus station.”
A smile broke through his serious expression. He pushed my hair back again. “We’ll tell her soon, okay? I promise.”
I nodded. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t have much fight left in me today.
He must have his reasons for wanting to wait.
It was natural he’d want to protect Luna, even though it hurt to think he’d feel the need to protect her from me.
Was it because he wanted to make sure this relationship was serious enough before telling her?
But we are serious. We love each other.
Why did it feel like we were having two different conversations?
I tried not to let my swirling emotions show on my face.
“Are you hungry?” he asked me. “I have leftovers from dinner.”
I looked down at my stomach. “Honestly, probably. I haven’t eaten today besides a granola bar on the bus.”
Luke stood up and pulled me up by my hands, no strain in his arms as he lifted me, like I was light as a pillow. “That’s no good. You need food, you.”
When his hand grasped the slider door, orange streaks reflecting in the glass, he turned. I paused one step behind him. “Hey, Val?” My gaze met his in the fading evening light. “I love you.”
My eyes filled with tears of relief. “I love you, too.”
He’s Luna’s dad. He has to do what he thinks is right. I kicked off the comforter, turned onto my back, and then flipped to my front again. The sheets on the bed in my room at Mimi’s felt scratchy. I needed to buy new ones. This was insufferable.
“I just want you to be sure.” Luke’s low voice blew into my ears, carried on a breeze of worry.
What does that mean?
I was sure. I’d never been more sure of anything in my life.
I meant what I said to him—I didn’t know what the right decision would feel like until I’d actually made it.
Not just the decision not to go back to BigLaw, but the decision to deliberately stop worrying what other people thought of me or my level of success.
I’m not a failure; I just changed my priorities. It took me all summer to believe it, but I did. The encompassing feeling of both elation and calm I felt the entire trip back to the island was unlike anything I’d felt in my adult life. Right.
I even bought a beer and mentally toasted myself on the boat ride back. It was such a difference from the insecure, unsure beer I bought on the boat ride in May. That felt like years ago, not months. I was a different person now, and I liked this version of myself so much better.
And I could not have gotten here without Luke.
And Luna. Not telling her stopped me from embracing her and the life and the family I wanted more than air in my lungs.
It hurt. But I was stronger now than I was before.
I could wait, if that was what Luke needed.
I’d keep telling him I was sure, that I was staying, that I loved them… I swallowed a new lump in my throat.
My phone buzzed. My heart hoped it was Luke, but we’d already exchanged “goodnight” texts, so I pushed down my expectations before lifting my phone. The name on the screen made me happy, nonetheless.
Natalie
Hi! I’m so sorry I missed your text earlier, today was so busy. How’s it going? I’m free if you’re still up!
I called her immediately. It’d been over a week since we’d caught up, so I skipped the pleasantries and told her all about the last week and a half. My first date with Luke, the week we spent together, sleeping at his house, saying I love you, agreeing to tell Luna.
She reacted with an appropriate amount of disgust and creative curse words when I told her what Edward Phelps said to me, adding “I won’t be reading his books anymore.
” I snorted, and then I relayed the story about the interview, my trip to Boston, the clarity I finally reached to cancel the interview and rush home to Martha’s Vineyard.
“I was expecting this fairy tale reunion, Nat. I would tell him I canceled the interview and that I was staying, and he’d pick me up and kiss me and we’d sit down and tell Luna we’re together and everything would snap into place like the final piece of the puzzle.
And he was happy for me, but he said he still wants to wait to tell her.
He said, ‘I just want you to be sure.’ But I am sure, and I don’t know if he’s hiding the real reason or what.
I’m sick over it, but I don’t want to push him. ..”
“Hmmm,” Natalie hummed, taking a moment to gather her thoughts.
I paced on the carpet, sweat making my PJs stick to my skin.
“Where’d you leave things?” she asked.
“After we talked alone on the deck, he said, ‘I love you.’ And when I left to drive home a little later, he asked if I was good to be there when Luna got home from her first day of school tomorrow.”
Natalie hummed again. My bright friend, I needed her to collect her thoughts faster.
“I’m stumped, babe. It seems like the feelings are serious and mutual.
You’re staying on the island, in part for them.
He knows how much you love Luna. I mean, you’re obsessed.
It’s so cute. You’re always sending me these pics of you guys together, texting me about her tennis matches.
She’s totally brought out this maternal side of you. ”
My body filled with warmth. I had no experience being a parent, but I agreed with Natalie. Spending time with Luna made me want to take care of someone, protect them, make their childhood fun and memorable. It also helped me appreciate the little joys of life more.
“He knows how much you love Luna.”
“Hmm.” My face scrunched.
“What?”
“Something you said. That he knows how much I love Luna. I mean, he must, right? I love reading with her and cried when she asked me to teach him how to do her braids because I didn’t want to be replaced. I went to her tennis match and, and…”
I wracked my brain so hard my head hurt, trying to call up a memory of me saying the words to Luke.
That I love Luna, not just him. That I don’t see him having a daughter as an extra burden, but an enhancement.
That I’m staying not just because I’m in love with Luke and want a new career, but because I literally cannot imagine missing any of Luna’s firsts.
“Have you ever actually said it?” Natalie asked, reading my mind.
“I don’t know.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t think so.” I frowned, mentally kicking myself. I’d told Mimi and Natalie and myself, but not Luke. Not in so many words.
His ex asked if he ever seriously considered taking his parents up on taking Luna.
“It’s a lot.”
“We’re a lot to sign up for.”
“Is it too much? Are we moving too fast?”
“Oh, Luke,” I murmured, more so to myself. I rubbed my sternum to ease the ache. “Do you think that’s it? I mean, I know it’s an insecurity of his, especially when it comes to dating.”
“It would make sense.”
It did make sense. And either way, I wanted him to know.