Chapter 39
Ilooked out the bus window at the Cape Cod Canal, catching a glimpse of the boats passing by under the massive bridge that connected the Cape and Islands to mainland Massachusetts. The day was bright and clear, eighty degrees. Perfect.
I wish I was at the beach with Luna instead of on this bus.
I scrutinized the taupe nail polish on my fingernails.
Luna and I had the best day yesterday. We got coffee for me and lemonade for her and walked in and out of the stores in town in the morning, spending the most time in the bookstore picking out some new books to read together at bedtime.
Then we got our mani-pedis at a salon not far away.
It felt a little like bribery, taking her to do something Luke would never want to do with her, but her unadulterated excitement made it worth it.
We did the same purple color on our toes, but I went with a more conservative color on my fingernails because of this interview. I kind of hated it.
My conversation with Luke from the other night felt unfinished. “Give you the space to make up your mind.” I still didn’t fully understand what he meant. He must mean career-wise. He knew how I felt about him and Luna.
The bus zoomed up the highway as my mind raced in circles. What if he didn’t want me to take this job and only see them on the weekends for the most part? He said we’d figure it out, but did he mean it?
I pulled up the notes I took on my phone after speaking with the recruiter to prepare for this interview, but I couldn’t focus on them.
My head leaned against the cool glass of the window, and I watched, miserably, as the trees that lined the road blurred by.
I felt like my heart was tethered to the island and the farther away I got, the stronger the rope tugged on my chest cavity, threatening to rip it right out.
I was jolted from my daze when my phone vibrated in my hand. The same bliss I felt every time Luke’s name appeared on that screen rushed my system.
Luke
Good luck today! I’m sure you’ll get the job.
They’d be crazy not to make an offer to such an intelligent, poised, experienced lawyer as you.
I want you to know I support you either way.
I want us to be together either way. We can make Boston to MV work.
Make the decision that’s right for you. I’m sorry we haven’t had much of a chance to talk about it. I’m here if you need me.
The lump that formed in my throat as I read his words was so big I thought I might choke. I couldn’t breathe. Tears formed silent streams down my cheeks.
I loved him so much it hurt.
I read it again, eyes straining through the bleariness. He was giving me permission to make my own choice, telling me I wouldn’t lose him either way.
Make the decision that’s right for you.
If only I knew what that was.
I didn’t know what to say to Luke’s text, but I needed to acknowledge it somehow, so I sent:
Thank you <3
As the bus pulled off the highway toward Boston’s South Station, I dug in my bag for a tissue or a napkin to wipe off the streaks of mascara I knew stained the skin under my eyes.
Instead of a napkin, I found several sheets of lined paper, folded like a letter, tucked securely into an interior pocket of the bag I’d taken with me everywhere this summer.
The bag that usually held my laptop, headphones, and a notebook—my movable writing setup.
I knew what it was before I opened the pages, and another golf ball lodged in my throat. Author Business Plan was scrolled across the top of the page in Luke’s handwriting. I read through the bullets for the tenth time since Luke and I made it together and felt a flicker of fire in my bones.
This! my heart shouted.
“South Station!” The bus driver called. I tucked the precious papers back into their pocket and disembarked.
I had over an hour to kill before the interview.
I meandered across the bridge connecting downtown Boston to the Seaport neighborhood and sat on a bench facing the water.
Lots of pedestrians, not so many boats. I’d rather be sitting on one of the benches in Edgartown Harbor, eating ice cream with Luna.
What am I doing here?
My edginess had steadily climbed since the moment Mimi dropped me off at the ferry terminal this morning, cortisol coursing through my bloodstream.
She didn’t say much while we were in the car.
Her demeanor had never been one to influence or convince, but I found myself wondering what she thought.
Did she think the summer had been restorative and I was ready to resume my career of negotiating contracts for demanding clients?
Or did she feel like Luke and question why I would go back to something that wasn’t good for me?
I scrolled my text messages. I didn’t want to call Luke. Based on his text, I knew he’d wish me luck, give me a pep talk. He wouldn’t want to throw me off before the interview. He’s probably at a site or something anyway.
I stopped on Natalie’s name.
Val
Hey, are you free?
If she wasn’t in a meeting or tied up working on something urgent, I’d hear from her within two minutes. When I didn’t, I kept scrolling.
My eyes landed on my last text from Drew.
I hadn’t told him I had an interview today.
Drew would tell me what he actually thought.
Maybe it would help me sort my own scattered, unsure thoughts.
If he said one thing, and I agreed with him, I’d feel relieved that the smartest person I knew agreed with me.
If he recommended something else, and I disagreed deep down, I’d bristle.
Like flipping a coin when you thought you were equally torn between two alternatives, you always knew in that millisecond before you looked at it what you were actually hoping the outcome would be.
Content with my plan, I tapped the little phone symbol next to his name.
It rang twice before my brother’s gruff voice answered, “Hey, Val. What’s up?”
“Hey.” My voice was throaty. I cleared it. “Hey, Drew.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You sound…not okay.”
I chuckled. “I’ve been better.”
“What’s going on?”
“I’m thinking about maybe going back to work.
I got an interview at a firm in Boston that’s looking to build up their private equity group and I figured, why not take it?
I spent all this time and money and energy developing this high-earning skill, how could I just…
not use it? So…” I sighed, not sure what else to add.
“I can see why you’d feel that way. It’s a lot of earning potential to give up. But are you passionate about the work anymore?”
“I don’t know.” I closed my eyes and pictured it—the kickoffs, the diligence, the negotiations, winning points, closing deals, the press releases. It used to give me a little jolt of excitement to get assigned to a cool deal or prestigious client but now…it didn’t. “Not really.”
“So it’s just a sunk cost. Who cares, ya know? You’ll find something else you love.” I pictured him sitting in his office, probably with his chair tipped back and his feet up on the corner of his big wooden desk.
“Luke mentioned sunk costs, too…”
“Smart man.” After a moment he added, “But honestly, it isn’t even really a sunk cost because you’ll apply your skills in other ways. The problem-solving, the work ethic, your understanding of law and business—it will all benefit you no matter what you do. It’s part of who you are.”
I nodded to myself and felt a glimmer of relief. Just because I don’t want to do it anymore, doesn’t mean it was all a waste. “That all makes sense. Thanks, Drew.”
“You don’t sound so sure.”
“I just… When people look at the background I have, won’t they think it’s silly for me to be a struggling, unemployed writer?”
“Is that what you want to do instead? Writing?”
Crap. I never told Drew about the writing. I said, “Yes,” and held my breath for his reaction.
“Fiction?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, wow. That’s cool as shit, Val. I wish I could write fiction. I’m not creative enough. Some of the chapters of these philosophy books I write bore even me.”
I laughed. “Thanks.”
“Have you started? What do you write about?”
I blew a breath through pursed lips. “Yeah, this summer I’ve been working on a novel. It’s about a woman—she’s a corporate M&A attorney.”
“Naturally.”
I smiled. “She has this big deal, and her boyfriend is a bit too interested in it. He sneaks into her home office and reads her documents and then makes a big trade in the company.”
“Idiot.”
“Ha! Yes, such an idiot. They’re prosecuted for insider trading, drama ensues, but she forms this unlikely bond with the SEC investigator because…
well, they don’t get each other at first but then they do.
And they meet again by happenstance later after thinking about each other nonstop.
” I was babbling. I need to work on my pitch, I thought with enthusiasm.
If I wrote it down, practiced it, it would be easier to explain what I was writing on the occasions when people asked.
“I guess you could say it started out being a story about betrayal, but it ended up being a story about love.”
“That sounds really interesting, Val. O would love to read something like that,” Drew said when I finally took a breath.
“Thanks. I’ll have to tell her about it.” Drew’s wife was my other source of romance novel recommendations, in addition to Natalie.
“Can I say something without you getting upset?” My brother asked after a moment.
“Oh, boy. Yes.” I pinched the bridge of my nose.
“You care too much what other people think.”
I let the words wash over me, through me.
He was right. Not because Drew was pretty much always right, and not because he was an intelligent professor—because in my heart and soul and mind, I agreed with him.
And I was finally willing to admit it. Hadn’t Luke and my therapist and my subconscious been trying to tell me the same thing all summer?
“Who cares if they don’t get it?”
“You shouldn’t worry more about disappointing others than you do about disappointing yourself.”
“The best decisions I ever made in my life were when I ignored everyone else and listened to myself instead.”
“What does success mean to you, personally?”
“They don’t matter. They don’t know you.”
“I think you’re right,” I said to my brother, not a hint of bitterness in my concession.
“It’s not just you—lots of people care too much what other people think. But like I’ve always said, fuck ’em, ya know?”
“Who?” I laughed. Of course he had to lob in some explicit tenet he held.
“I don’t know, everyone. Everyone that’s not you.”
I laughed again, appreciating my brother’s bluntness for once.
“Thanks, Drew. I needed that. You’ve always been better at that than me—self-confidence, not caring what other people think.”
“Eh, it’s because I’m a conceited bastard with poor people skills.”
I guffawed.
“You’ve always been better with people than me,” he went on.
“And Val, you know, I had to learn my own lesson that being academically gifted and professionally successful aren’t all that matters in life, either.
I nearly lost the most important thing because of my horrendous social skills.
And all the books I’d read and classes I’d aced didn’t matter. ”
“I want to hear that whole story sometime.”
“I’m sure O would love to tell you. You could write a book about it. What’s that type of romance book she’s always talking about…enemies to lovers?”
“I thought you guys were always friends?”
“Yeah,” he said, his voice filled with irony. “Me too.”
“Now I’m intrigued.”
“Come visit us. We have a guest room. Bring Luke and the kid. I assume you’re together now?”
I shook my head. For someone who claimed to be bad with people, he was sharply observant. “Yes,” I replied.
“Nice. He seemed like a good guy. Is he treating you well?”
“Yeah.” I tried to stop my mind from wandering to the strain between Luke and me the last few days. Ever since I mentioned this goddamn interview. “He’s the best.”
“When’s this interview? You gonna cancel it and do what you actually wanna do?”
I moved the phone away from my ear to check the time. “It’s in half an hour. And yeah, I think I am.”
I get it now, I wanted to tell Wendy. There wasn’t one objective definition of success. Success is whatever I think it is.
The only opinion of me that really matters is my own.
And I didn’t look down on myself for making a change and leaving behind something I didn’t love to pursue something that I do.
Alongside two people I love.
An overwhelming sense of peace and certainty settled in my gut as I typed out the email to the recruiter and the hiring contact for the firm apologizing, canceling my interview, and telling them I wasn’t in a position to reschedule. I shoved my phone in my bag as soon as I pressed Send.
Silently thanking myself for wearing flats today instead of heels, I shot up from the bench and ran back across the bridge to the bus station.
The next bus to the Martha’s Vineyard ferry terminal was departing in twenty minutes.