20. Chapter 20 #2
Turning, I glance at her, seeing the rawness of her cheek where I slapped her—the skin’s slightly bruised, evidence of the force I used.
Guilt hits me with unforgiving waves. Other women would have pumped a full magazine into me then smiled in their mugshot, or shied away from me, but Sadie does neither.
“Fuck, Sunshine.”
I did this to her.
She has every right to chop me into pieces and scatter me across the state, but she didn’t. Her riders allowed me to live despite hurting her. For what, I don’t know. They sure as hell beat Chelsea within an inch of her life for simply taunting Sadie.
Gently cupping her face, my calloused thumb brushes the apple of her cheek. Beautiful blue eyes glance up at me with fear swimming in them. Not pain or anger after I put my hands on her—fear.
I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done.
“I’m so damn sorry.”
Manicured brows pinch together with confusion, I continue.
“For hitting you.”
“You didn’t.”
“Yes, I did and I hate myself for it.”
For a moment, she searches my face for answers—reluctant to back away. Finally, she takes a few steps, then moves across the room to flick on the light in her ensuite.
Her sharp breath eats me alive.
I don’t dare walk to her or try to explain. Even if she does remember, I’m trained to disarm combatants without damage. I have all the means to subdue her even if fighting Kate is like wrestling a bear—I still hit her.
There is no excuse. It doesn’t matter if my dick was bunched in a fist with her about to twist the head off like a bottle cap—hitting Sadie is unforgivable. She will try to tell me she’s alright, that she can look past it, but I never will.
The lights turn out before she steps out of the bathroom. Leaning against the door frame, her spine presses to the cream-colored paint. She avoids any sort of eye contact, silently processing what she saw darkening in her skin.
What the fuck do I say? ‘Sorry’ doesn’t cut it. ‘I’ll never do it again’ seems like a false promise. I did it once, what makes her think there won’t be a second time? ‘We’ll get through this’ sounds like a lie since I’m seconds away from walking out the door.
She was trapped in her mind and I hit her.
The silence between us is so loud it puts helicopter rotors to shame—breaking it seems impossible.
Staying here isn’t an option.
“I’ll check on you in a few days. Make sure to set your med alarms.”
Halfway out of her room, her hand catches mine.
Instinctively, I rip away and take a few steps back.
The war ploughs into me. Flashes of desert sand and palm trees pack in behind her.
Pops of rapid fire snuff out the words I barely see forming on her lips, as my throat flattens on itself, choking my vocal cords where I can’t shout, plead, or breathe.
Babel!
Jerking to the left, a too familiar voice shouts my name and sends me into a tail spin. Before I manage a good look, excruciating pain pierces my shoulder as a round rips through the muscle and connective tissue that keeps my rifle lifted.
“’Lias?” Sadie’s broken tone digs through the oppressive noise.
Her voice doesn’t stop the avalanche of anxiety, but it’s there—my life raft.
Stretched thin, my remaining threads hang on by a hair with no end to the pressure in sight.
For the first time in a decade or more, I’m about to lose my grip.
“Please don’t go! I’ll…I’ll be better,” she pleads.
Goddammit!
“I’m sorry. ‘Lias. I’m sorry! Please don’t go.”
I feel her hands holding onto me for dear life, but all I see is the hell hole.
Like her, I’m a captive to my thoughts while standing frozen in place.
This is all she has ever known, desertion.
Betrayal. People who abandon her when she needs them the most, and like the piece of shit I am, that’s exactly what I’m about to do.
I’ve manipulated this girl into wanting me, into begging for things she deserves without question. I used her body against her, forced an emotional bond I now have to break because if I don’t, it’s going to destroy both of us.
“Don’t. Don’t do that, Sadie. Begging’s beneath you.” My words shake as they leave me. They’re the truth, but equally as deceptive.
“Then don’t leave…please stay.”
The salt in her tears hits my nose with a punch—I hate myself.
“I’ll be good. I promise. I promise!” Her pleas are more desperate than before.
“Sadie…”
She chokes on her words, and finally, her hands fall away. Cool air cuffs my arms with an invisible pay load, anchoring where I stand. Between her and the invasive flashbacks mixing with reality, I can’t take it anymore.
I can’t. Fucking. Breathe.
Visions I’ve kept suppressed for so long fade in and out in splotches.
Filling negative spaces within her apartment but refuse to vanish where I can see Sadie clearly.
Her white-blonde hair hovers near my chest for a few seconds before the air charges and she dips out of sight, evading my peripherals.
“Sadie…” Her name, two syllables, laced with warning.
Delicate fingers dig behind the waistband of my jeans. Heat fills my ears when she urgently unbuckles my belt.
“No…no. Sadie, stop,” I bark. Grabbing her wrists, I haul her up where we’re practically nose to nose.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
“Y…you said you’d punish me if I was bad. I was!”
Sadie’s hands drop to my jeans again, which she doesn’t get far when I jerk her with such force her feet leave the floor.
Walking her back to the room, I throw her onto the bed I’ve spent days watching her agitated body sleep in.
My cock is already so fucking hard the teeth of my zipper are digging into me through my boxers.
Both hands vibrate while raking through my salt-and-pepper hair—anger and arousal overshadowing all of my guilt.
“What makes you think I’d do that?” I shout.
“I hurt you!” she screams back, scrambling to the edge.
Capturing her face, my rough hands brutally engulf her chin, fingertips viciously clawing into her cheeks until the buccal tissue frames my digits. I hold her here, in her fucking place, and still her bewildered eyes silently pray for me to stay.
Violating the little bubble between us, I growl, “No.”
“D…do you not want me anymore?”
The Earth spins at 1,037 miles an hour and it just came to an instantaneous stop.
What?
“Yes, I fucking want you! I want to brand you. Carve my name into your skin. Punish you where you bruise for weeks. I want to own you, Sadie. I want your whole fucking life to revolve around us. I want to sink between your thighs every night and hear my name screamed from your goddamn throat. I want fucking forever with you, but that’s not the problem! ”
“Then, what is?” She reaches up to slap at my arms so she can escape.
I refuse to let go, not after she provoked me. Driving her back to the bed, the backs of her knees catch the edge and she drops. I don’t stop until I’m crawling over her and pinning her by the very face that invades my every thought.
“This, Sadie! All of it. Your psychosis. The constant struggle for dominance. Keeping the cops off your ass. Not letting you spiral so catastrophically you kill yourself, and from putting me in a grave where I can’t save you!”
“I don’t want to be saved,” she shrieks, thrashing her rebellious body under me.
“No…you want to be punished! That all, Sadie? Need me to put you in your place? Take away your choices? Make you face the evil living in your fucking head? Turn you into my hostage instead of theirs?”
“Yes!”
One word.
Three letters.
All the fucking regret.
“Fine.”
Adrenaline pours into my veins when the man shuts down and the soldier takes over. She’s my target, and I’m settling for nothing but complete submission and her fucking tears.
Lugging her off the bed and onto the floor, my hand fists in her silky hair. I don’t wait for her to settle on her knees before I crush my lips against hers and speak.
“Your safe word is ‘red.’”