21 - Brie
Emotional Collateral
~
Brie
I walked into the living area to find Tobias wiping down the kitchen island while Gideon made breakfast, and Gunner was all the way in the living room tidying up.
“Good morning,” I greeted brightly.
I was greeted by grunts and a small smile from Gideon. There was tension. It was like a thick cloud of smoke choking everyone who walked into it, including me.
I stood at the threshold, not knowing what to do with myself. I wrung my hands, watching as the men worked in silence until Gideon handed me a cup of coffee.
“Where’s Lexi?” I asked, trying to break the ice. It had worked many times before. Lexi brought everyone together with no complications or weird feelings, but for the first time, it didn’t work.
“She’s upstairs,” Gunner said. Short, simple, no jokes.
I walked upstairs, happy to be away from all the weird energy downstairs.
I knew I had caused it; it had to be from my conversation with Tobias the night before, but I couldn’t change it.
I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear.
It would have been a lie, and in the long run, it would have made things worse.
Still, I felt guilty. Hurting Tobias, even just a little, wasn’t part of the plan.
I knocked on Lexi’s door and heard her run to open it, waving me in quickly.
“Daddy’s in a really bad mood today,” Lexi announced, throwing herself back on her bed.
“Yeah, I noticed,” I said dryly.
“First, he was mad that no one had put on the coffee, then he was angry that the cabin was messy, and just now he was shouting at Gunner because Gunner said we should get a maid to balance out the ‘female population’ in the cabin,” Lexi explained with a deep sigh.
“Gunner says he just meant maybe it would be better if there were more girls in the cabin, and I think that would be fun. Don’t you? ”
The comment was typical Gunner. He said stuff like that all the time, and it never bothered Tobias seriously. This time was different. He wasn’t just mad at me; he was mad at Gideon and Gunner, too.
“I think another girl in the house would be fun too,” I said, hugging Lexi. “So, are you hiding out in your room?”
Lexi looked around the room. The shoes piled in the corner, clothes peeking out from the half-opened drawers, and a coloring book peeking from underneath the dressing table.
“I’m pretending to be tidying up my room so Daddy doesn’t have to tell me to do it,” a mischievous grin pulled at the corners of Lexi’s lips.
I raised an eyebrow, both surprised and admiring her crafty tactics. “Or you could just tidy up your room,” I suggested.
“Not before I eat. I’m starving, I might faint,” Lexi argued. “It’s only going to get messy again, anyway.”
She had spent too much time with Gunner; his sense of humor had rubbed off on her in ways that might send her father over the edge today.
“Well, if you want to eat, then you’ll have to go downstairs.”
I held my hand out to pull Lexi back off her bed and started helping her straighten up her room by folding the clothes in her drawers and repacking them while she lined up her shoes and picked up the stray toys that had found their way under her bedroom furniture.
Lexi told me about the characters in her latest book, a quirky detective and his silly assistant, while she was getting dressed. By the time we walked down the stairs, she was laughing and doing voices, clearing out most of the bad vibes downstairs like a bundle of human sage.
“Hey Lex, it’s stopped snowing, and you know what that means,” Gunner started growling and chasing Lexi around the living room.
“Bear tracking!” Lexi screamed, letting Gunner catch her and tickle her onto the couch.
“I don’t think so,” Tobias cut in. “There’s still a lot to do in here, and we need to wait until everything settles after the blizzard. Falling branches, unpredictable weather. Not today.”
Gunner raised his hands in surrender and went to sit at the kitchen island where Gideon was serving breakfast in steaming porridge bowls.
“But Daddy, we’ll be careful, and we can tidy up when it’s snowing again, and we don’t have a choice but to stay inside,” Lexi protested. ‘Please, Daddy! I bet Brie has never seen a real bear.”
We all stared at Tobias and waited for him to change his mind, but he said nothing. He just watched us all settle down around the table as we ate our porridge in disappointed silence.
Tobias finished his breakfast first and went to put his bowl in the sink, with Gideon following behind him.
Gideon spoke in a low tone, almost a whisper. I couldn’t hear their private conversation, but something Gideon said changed Tobias’s mind without changing his mood.
“Looks like democracy wins again. Don’t go too far, stay safe, and for heaven’s sake, Gunner, be a grown-up this time,” he said. “I’ll start marking the trees so we have an idea of where to start chopping when the weather changes.”
Tobias didn’t wait for the rest of us to finish breakfast so we could head out together.
He simply put on his jacket, kissed Lexi on the forehead, and headed out.
He left with all the discomfort I had been feeling.
Though I felt bad about it, it was a relief to watch him go that morning.
We weren’t walking on eggshells, and the conversation flowed around the table again.
We finished our breakfast, tidied up because no one wanted to give Tobias any more reasons to fuss, and headed out bundled in puffy jackets, boots, and hats.
It was only when we were already walking through the woods that I considered I was actually terrified of bears.
I’d never had to think of it; the only bears I had ever seen were at the zoo and on TV.
“The bears are all hibernating, though, right?” I asked hopefully.
I had seen it in movies. I was sure it was what they told us at school, yet here we were tracking bears through the snow.
“Actually,” Lexi said, skipping ahead, “after a snowstorm is the best time to track bears. They come out to eat and drink, and their tracks are easier to spot. I haven’t seen one all year!”
It was one of those random things Lexi seemed to know a lot about: bears, mushrooms, and the different butterflies that flew through Idaho.
“Last year, we saw a black bear in the valley. She was probably there getting salmon. What I really want to see is a grizzly bear. They’re bigger and rarer,” Lexi chattered excitedly.
Gunner hooked his arm in mine. “Come on, City Girl, don’t tell me you’re afraid. With me right here with you? The bears know better than to come anywhere near you.”
Gideon walked close behind us and couldn’t resist the opportunity to remind Gunner what had happened the last time he was protecting Lexi and me.
“But of course, the tree roots are yet to learn their lesson,” Gideon teased. “But don’t worry, Brie, this time I’m only one step behind you.”
Gunner laughed awkwardly. “I just swept her off her feet, all better now, right?” he asked, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“Of course she’s okay,” Gideon chuckled, cutting in before I could reassure Gunner. “I… we made sure of that.”
Gunner’s eyes widened. He understood immediately what had happened. “You did?” he asked, looking to me for confirmation. “Well…”
I whacked Gideon on the arm. It was neither the time nor the place, though to be completely honest, I couldn’t think of a right time or place for that conversation.
Gideon watched Lexi inspect the berries on a shrub, small, grape-like bulbs. She poked at them and yanked one off the branch.
“You remember the deal. No eating,” Gunner reminded her. He hurried over to her to see what she was touching and if she should be touching it at all, leaving me and Gideon just a few feet behind them.
“Something tells me Tobias’s mood this morning has everything to do with the conversation Gunner and I walked in on last night,” Gideon prodded.
I took a deep breath and nodded. When I spoke to Tobias, I didn’t expect him to react the way he did. Of course, I could have expected disappointment. The situation we had gotten into was obviously complicated, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just something that happened.
Gunner walked back with Lexi, properly warned not to eat the berries she picked. He joined the grown-up conversation.
“Well, we kind of had a debrief about the… the other night,” I said, deciding how to explain it.
I didn’t want to gossip behind Tobias’s back or speak ill of him, but we were in this together, and if there’s any lesson to be learned from how he has been acting, it’s that we needed to have more conversations. It was all our business.
“You mean the night when you guys all decided to have fun with Gunner?” he laughed. “I still can’t believe that happened.”
“No one decided anything,” I said, patting Gunner on the back in mock pity. “It just happened, and Tobias would rather that didn’t happen again.”
Gideon was confused. “What would he rather not happen again?”
I couldn’t say the things Tobias had left unsaid. All I knew for sure were the things he did say, the things I said, and how we were all living with the consequences.
“Tobias asked if we could see what happens between just the two of us,” I summarized as best I could.
“And you said no?” Gunner asked.
I nodded. There was no shame in doing things that made me happy, but I couldn’t help but feel ashamed of hurting Tobias, even though I couldn’t have avoided it.
“It just isn’t what I want right now,” I repeated defensively.
Gunner blew out a long whistle, already calculating the emotional collateral of our casual arrangement. It worked, it was great, and everyone was happy until one person wasn’t. Then it changed the whole dynamic in the very same cabin we would be stuck in together for most of the winter.
“And what exactly do you want?” Gunner asked directly.
He stood up straight, his arms crossed and his eyes steady.
There was no trace of a smile on his lips.
The reality of our spontaneous thrusts was the obvious conflict of interest from every direction.
Saying yes to Tobias meant saying no to two men I also wanted, and saying no meant risking everything, including my job. At least I was honest.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I’m just figuring it out and going with the flow. Exploring out of the box without labels and pointless judgments works for me.”
I watched Gunner and Gideon’s faces for a reaction, a sign of where they stood. We had never spoken about this before. Things just happened spontaneously, and the fact that there were no hard and fast rules was part of the excitement.
Gunner pursed his lips, weighing his thoughts against my words and nodding.
I hadn’t heard about berries or bears and the lie that is hibernation in a long time, longer than I was comfortable. I looked around, and Lexi was nowhere to be seen.
“Where’s Lexi?” I asked, panic rising.