Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Darcy
T he night was filled with laughter, animated jokes, and a shit-ton of fun. Being around everyone with the liquor fueling the humor was enough to erase all my concerns about Sebastian.
More than once, his humored eyes would darken when they locked with mine, sending my insides into a crackling spasm as I recalled how he’d made me nearly climb the walls in orgasmic pleasure this morning when he switched up his sex game.
His more dominant sexual side had shifted into a smooth and gentler manner where passion was igniting those dark brown irises of his, making it obvious he was hanging onto each whimper of satisfaction coming out of my mouth with every exhale. It was completely intense in the most passionate of ways. His eyes wouldn’t leave mine, and his lips were concentrated and tender, with their moist caresses all over the bare skin of my body. Those probing and intense brown eyes were the same ones that locked with mine throughout the night, and even though I should’ve been sexed out by now, here I was, wet and wanting more.
Everything about this was terrifying to me, and why I had to talk with Nat earlier because the idea that I could possibly become addicted to this man in one way or another, knowing that I could never have him, meant huge trouble for me. But as Nat said, so long as we kept it at physical passion, not taking things to a more emotional place, it shouldn’t be a problem to move on after all was said and done. I’d already torpedoed myself by screwing the guy, something I would kick myself in the ass for later, but knowing I wasn’t in danger of slipping into some horrible depression after a bad break-up made it easy to enjoy things.
He snatched my hand once the group had parted ways, and we walked along the beach back to our villa, “Gorgeous night, eh?”
“Lucky for us, the storm moved in a different direction,” I said. “But I’m sure if the clouds were gone and we could see the stars, it would be even prettier than it is now.”
“Did you spend a lot of evenings staring at the stars when you lived here?” he asked.
“Not really. We occasionally went night surfing, which was probably the only time I was out to admire the stars. I’m not necessarily a huge stargazer,” I chuckled.
“You went night surfing?” he said, gently gripping my hand tighter. “That’s impressive.”
“I’m an impressive person,” I teased. “But yeah, to see the stars out here on a pitch-black night makes you feel closer to God, you know?”
“I guess it would,” he answered. “I suppose a guy like me could use a dose of closeness to God.”
His words were a little too sincere for my liking. I couldn’t allow this conversation to go deep because that would lead to confiding in each other. We weren’t doing that.
“Ah, you’re fine,” I said, downplaying things. “If you ask my mother, she’d tell you that no matter where you are in life, you can find closeness to whatever spirituality you choose. The Universe is always watching out. So is karma, for that matter.”
“I believe that,” he said, and the tone of his voice made me look up at him, trying to gauge his whole new personality. “I’m a firm believer in karma being a bitch, too,” he chuckled, and I relaxed some with his lighthearted humor.
“Oh, look at you,” I said teasingly, “talking about things like karma . It’s almost as if you had a couple of spiritual yoga sessions with my mother.”
“Well, not that, but I had my morning coffee with her while you were pointedly avoiding me,” he said, stopping and guiding me to turn and face him. “Listen, I want to tell you I am truly sorry if I’ve ever offended you with any?—”
“It’s all good,” I interrupted him, nervous about how this man was talking and moving the conversation in another direction. “Seriously, I’m over it.”
“Well, I’m sorry anyway. Here, sit with me,” and I couldn’t resist to follow his lead.
I wanted to blame drinking with friends for my inability to keep this man moving toward the villa, but my buzz wore off after I pigged out on fish tacos all night, so that was no excuse. Honestly, I liked the way things were organically progressing. I was inclined to enjoy his company now that we were on a better level of friendship and seeing that he was more agreeable drew me into this moment like a moth to a flame.
I could manage this. I had plenty of male friends, and that’s how I intended to treat this man. But I wouldn’t be going all in without maintaining some control.
“What are we doing?” I asked.
“We’re enjoying the beautiful ocean at night,” he said, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me closer.
“As nice as this feels,” I teased, “you and I shouldn’t be acting like a couple, especially when no one is around.”
“Are you scared?” he said playfully.
“No, I’m just not stupid,” I answered, feeling great about keeping things where I wanted them.
“I get it,” he said, pulling back his arm from where he’d drawn me in with a half-hug, “but I have to say, we could definitely be a power couple, you know that?”
“Cute. I can see it all now,” I returned my attention to where the night sky illuminated the white foam waves as they glowed on the shoreline, “the vineyard girl takes the place of Sebastian’s late wife, who came from wealth and power, proving that anyone can snatch an influential man like Sebastian Aster and make him look good.”
“Funny you say that. I never would’ve imagined it months ago, but now,” he glanced at me, “I could see that.”
“Well, it doesn’t take money and a powerful family to make a woman strong,” I said, knowing that to be true.
“You’re right about that. I believed my wife was strong, but now I see she had weak spots, too.”
“How so?”
“Well, after she was in the accident and was on her way to the hospital, she called my office wanting to speak to me. From what the paramedic said, she knew she wasn’t going to make it, so it was kind of her dying wish to have that conversation with me,” he said in a lower voice. “You know, never in a million years would I have imagined that she had a softer side, one that would make her request something like that. I would’ve assumed she’d be busy yelling at the first responders and doctors for not saving her life properly.”
“Holy shit,” I said, surprised by his admissions. “Well, I think a lot of people soften up a little when they’re frightened, especially when they’re dying. I’m going to have to give her a pass on this one occasion of literally being scared to death.”
“I try to make light of it, thinking it may help me shed this haunting guilt, but nothing works. I practically threw my assistant out of the room for daring to interrupt my meeting,” he ran a strong hand through his hair before continuing. “She was trying her hardest to shout over me, but I wouldn’t hear it. I’m surprised she didn’t break her nose on the door as I slammed it shut in her face.” His posture grew heavy like a ton of shame was hanging on his shoulders at the memory of what he’d done. “I can’t remember those details very clearly because it’s all a blur, but my recurring nightmare doesn’t skip a beat, as you may remember from the late-night shouting,” he said sheepishly, referring to the nightmare I woke him from. “Melissa wanted to speak to me but work and money were too important for me to give a shit about her needs, even her dying needs.”
I suddenly felt a thickness hanging in the air between us. I couldn’t put a finger on it, but I could sense he was facing off with some demons of grief. This was the shit he’d been internally battling, the thing that’d made him a complete son of a bitch when I first met him. It was the stuff I knew he’d never addressed, and it was apparent no one else had attempted to help. His parents’ idea of an intervention was shipping him off to the winery to get his mind off things, as if grief was ever so easy to process.
How fucking sad. Well, if there was someone who could help the man purge all this shit and get it out of his system to move forward and be happy again, it was me. He just had to stay open and let me in; however, from what I’d learned about Sebastian Aster, he would soon shut down, ending the conversation.
“I can’t imagine the toll that’s taken, but now I understand why you’ve come across as the biggest asshole on the planet since I met you,” I nudged him with my elbow, trying my hardest to approach this in the lightest way I knew how. “So, with that said, you’re forgiven for being a dick when I first met you.”
“I appreciate that,” he subtly laughed.
“About Melissa’s final moments, you must try your best to let go of the guilt. It’s not like you knew what was happening.”
“Still, if I were a better husband, a stronger man, I would’ve acted like the respectable individual and husband I believed myself to be and taken my wife’s call over trying to close a business deal.”
“That’s where you’re fucking with yourself. You cannot do that,” I said, looking at him. “You have to allow yourself to move forward. Forgive yourself, and let this shit go.”
He looked at me, crossed his legs, and clasped his hands together, laying them in his lap, “You make it sound so easy, given you aren’t the one suffering from this guilt.”
“I’m not trying to make it sound easy. I know it’s not, and don’t be mean to me,” I said, not okay with him being a defensive asshole.
“Sorry about that. Perhaps we can talk about something lighter,” he said dismissively, firing me up to stop him from bowing out so easily.
“Changing the subject merely pushes things to the back burner, where you’ll never unpack and deal with it,” I said. “Don’t you think you owe it to yourself and your daughter to forgive yourself for all that happened?”
“Again, easier said than done. I was not raised to be easy on myself when I fuck up.”
“Just because you were raised that way doesn’t mean you can’t change the learned behavior,” I said. “Regardless, you didn’t fuck it up purposefully. There’s a difference between punishing yourself for fucking it up on purpose versus not knowing.”
“I should’ve known, though. That’s the problem.”
“Well, you didn’t, so give yourself a break. Seriously. This shit will put you in an early grave if you don’t.”
Unexpectedly, he smiled at me, “You know, for the last year, I’ve been living in that grave with my wife. I stayed there because that’s where I felt the least amount of sadness and pain, and up until recently, I wanted to stay there and rot away.”
“That’s morbid as fuck, and I’m glad to hear you say up until recently ,” I replied. “I get it. Tragic deaths must be a form of punishment on Earth, and I will never understand why the Universe allows us to go through them. Nevertheless, even though we face things we aren’t prepared for, we are doing it for a reason. You just need to find out what that reason is, and you never will find that answer until you start facing things and moving forward.”
“Well, I believe you have crossed my path for a good reason, Darcy Burke,” he said. “Recently, I’ve felt like I am back in the land of the living, and I know why. You’ve saved me somehow.”
I chuckled at his overly serious declaration. “It must’ve been the dead grasshoppers I fed you,” I smiled and rubbed his arm in a friendly way—a far cry from how I was clenching onto this same bicep while gasping for air in total pleasure last night.
“It must’ve been the grasshoppers,” he agreed, holding his sincere gaze. “I swear, I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’re filled with life and a confidence I’ve never encountered in a woman.”
“Well, maybe I’ll understand why after we go to that auction and see the women in your circles paying to date the rich men.”
“Oh, you will probably have your jaw on the floor, and I’ll have the happiest smile in the fucking room.”
“Because you’re not going to have to date them,” I chuckled, happy the conversation moved to a lighter place.
“No, because I’m going to have your beautiful ass on my arm. I honestly think I’ll be the proudest fucker in that room,” he said, reaching his arm around me. “You are a rare gem, and I would’ve never seen that had we not gone down this silly road of fake dating.”
“Yeah, well, don’t get all worked up because you and I both know that this shit is over and done with after that auction,” I said, trying to remind him where this road was doomed to end.
“It doesn’t have to be, you know?”
“Yes, it does,” I said, a bit more nervous because I liked what he’d said and wanted to believe that he felt that way. I could quickly agree that it would be nice to be with this man, especially because I felt like I was finally meeting the genuine side of him.
Although I was very sad that he was stuck in his grief, I could tell that, underneath all that cold rigidness, he was a caring man. Amazingly, there was a heart and soul behind the soulless man I came to meet when he arrived at the vineyard.
“I don’t want to end things,” he said. “I want to see where this can go.”
“Before or after your parents murder you?”
“My parents have no say in who I date. I know it seems that way, but they don’t. I am very aware that my parents depend on me more than I depend on them.”
“And if you’re wrong?”
“I’m never wrong.” His serious expression faded into humor, “Well, perhaps I was wrong in my judgment of my wife’s final phone call, but other than that, I am always right. And even if I am wrong, you’ve brought me back to life, and that means more to me than all the money my family name could ever yield.”
“You’re being dead serious?” I questioned, recalling the conversation with Nat and her insistence that I be open if he broached this topic.
“I would never joke about this. As I told you, I will not hurt you,” he said with a smile.
“And so?” I didn’t even know where to take this anymore.
“And so, when this is all over, what do you think about seeing where things can go truthfully between us? No lies, no fake dating, just you and me.”
“And your daughter?” I had to bring her into this because I needed to see if his endorphins were on some insane high, and he wasn’t thinking. I would be a fool to mindlessly fall for this without talking about the most important factor.
“If you want to meet Charlotte, I will arrange for her to be flown to the estate. She is still young, only two years old. She’s not impressed with much at this age, so I assure you, she will only hurt your feelings if you expect her to be overly affectionate.”
“Well, I’d say she gets that from you, but I’ve come to find that’s not true.”
He chuckled, then reached for my hand, “She has her mother’s personality, so she’s not easily impressed. I love her with all my heart, but I’ve been so detached from my family since she was born. I’ve always put work first, and when her mother died, I became a shell of myself. As a result of my inaction, she isn’t very close to me, and I’d like that to change.”
“Well, that should change quickly,” I said. “Your little girl should have a dad who’s one hundred percent present in her life.”
“I understand that, but that comes with time,” he said. “I can have her flown out to?—”
“Why don’t we take baby steps? I still need to meet your parents, and I’m not sure that will go over well.”
“Are you afraid they won’t approve?” he laughed.
“No, I’m afraid that I won’t approve, and you won’t be worth the trouble,” I said with a laugh and standing up. “Let’s get back to the villa. Your handsome ass wore me out last night, and I’ve hardly slept, so we’re having conversations we shouldn’t be having because of sleep deprivation.”
He rose and enveloped me in his arms, pulling me tightly to his chest. He kissed the top of my forehead, and then I felt him resting his chin on my head.
“I don’t plan on sleeping when we get back to that villa,” he said with a bit of an edge to his voice that instantly made my sexual appetite buzz in response.
“No?”
“I plan on taking you further over the edge. Last night was me just getting back into the groove of things,” he said, pulling back and smiling down into my eyes.
“Well, let’s see what you’ve got then, cowboy.”
I’d officially taken a leap of faith with this man, and I didn’t know if that was good or bad. I was in a free fall off the side of a cliff, dropping down and feeling my stomach in my throat, hoping that when I landed, I wouldn’t shatter into a million pieces.