ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟛𝟝 #2
Cameron had no idea that the two people who needed me most needed me on the exact same day.
~
That night, my head hurt from all the different scary scenarios I had made up in my head.
Sleep refused to come. Every time I closed my eyes, Thursday looked different.
Every version somehow ended with someone disappointed in me.
Cameron was asleep beside me, arm wrapped around my waist. I shifted my weight so I could see his face.
He had no idea I'd been lying here for nearly two hours trying to figure out how to save both him and myself.
It was either choose Cameron, go to the community meeting and support him, missing the interview with Judge Johnson and potentially harming my whole career.
Cameron would stand beside Ralph alone, he'd look into that crowd and I wouldn't be there.
Or choose the interview with Judge Johnson, potentially hurting Cam forever, because I wasn't there with him.
Maybe I could do both. The interview was scheduled at 12:00 PM, and Ralph's meeting would probably be hosted in the evening, most likely around 6. Unless Justin refused to cooperate.
Unless Judge Johnson needed more.
Unless the prison delayed us.
Unless traffic...
Unless...
My shoulders slumped. There were too many unlesses. I still needed a way around it.
Dixie West always found a way. That was who I was.
Give me enough time and I'd build a bridge where everyone else saw a canyon.
What if there wasn't a solution this time?
The thought refused to leave.
I stared at the ceiling for another few minutes, hoping sleep would eventually win.
It didn't.
Beside me, Cameron shifted slightly in his sleep. His arm tightened around my waist for only a second before relaxing again.
A lump formed in my throat. I carefully lifted his arm just enough to slip out from underneath it.
"Sorry," I whispered, though he couldn't hear me.
He stayed asleep.
Great, he needed it.
Lord knew he needed it more than I did.
I padded quietly downstairs, the old wooden steps creaking beneath my weight despite how carefully I stepped over the ones I knew made the most noise.
The house felt different at night.
I reached the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the cabinet, filling it almost to the top.
The cold water tasted like water.
Nothing magical happened.
It didn't organize my thoughts, and it definitely didn't fix Thursday.
I drank the rest anyway. It gave me something to do besides think.
I leaned both hands against the marble countertop. Somewhere upstairs the air conditioner kicked on.
I looked toward the back door, and I unlocked it. Cool night air immediately brushed against my face.
It was comforting.
The patio lights were still on, casting a warm glow across the stone.
I stepped outside barefoot- the concrete was colder than I expected.
Our backyard was beautiful at night. It always has been.
The pool reflected the moon almost perfectly, the water barely moving except for the occasional ripple caused by the wind.
Everything looked perfectly normal, and it irritated me to my core.
How could the world still look so normal when mine felt like it had split clean in half?
I lowered myself onto one of the patio chairs, pulling my knees toward my chest.
Thursday.
I hated Thursdays.
No, wait.
I hated this Thursday.
Maybe I was overthinking it, and maybe Judge Johnson would understand.
No, he probably wouldn't.
Prison schedules didn't revolve around me, and Mr. Deyes didn't revolve around me.
Wrongful convictions didn't revolve around me.
I'd already gotten lucky once convincing him to let me back into that case.
How arrogant would I have to be to ask him to move everything because my personal life had exploded?
I exhaled slowly. What if he said no, then what?
Do I disappoint Cameron? Myself? Judge Johnson? Mr. Deyes?
Do I disappoint Ted?
My career?
Every answer disappointed someone.
I really hated that. I hated disappointing people.
It physically made me uncomfortable.
Maybe there was another solution. There had to be- there always was.
Could I leave the interview early?
No.
Not if Justin finally started talking.
Could Johnson move it by an hour?
Wait, maybe.
Actually no...unfortunate enough for me, prisons didn't work like doctor's offices.
Could I ask another attorney to sit in?
Absolutely not. Judge Johnson wanted me there.
Plus, I didn't know any other attorney who could do the job as well as me.
If I wanted to prove justice to Justin Deyes, and somehow get my position back from Ted, I needed to be there.
I rubbed my forehead harder.
Think!
Come on, Dixie. Think.
You're good at this, you solve impossible things every day. You find loopholes where nobody else even thinks to look.
Fucking think!
For the first time in a very long time, my mind gave me absolutely nothing.
I let out a shaky laugh. "You're slipping."
The words sounded ridiculous spoken out loud. I looked around instinctively, embarrassed that I'd talked to myself.
I reached into the pocket of my sweat shorts and pulled out my phone. Judge Johnson's number stared back at me.
One tap, and that's all it'd take.
One call.
"Judge Johnson... I'm so sorry. Something came up."
No, that wasn't true.
Something hadn't "come up."
Someone had.
Molly's disappearance.
I hovered my thumb over his name.
Just call. Ask.
The worst he can say is no.
No!
The worst he could say was yes, because then what excuse would I have left?
I locked my phone again, and the screen went black. Its reflection stared back at me.
I looked exhausted.
"When did you become this person?"
I used to be at the top, best of the best. Clients would pay thousands for a lawyer like me.
But I was really just a lawyer who couldn't solve her own life.
A wife who couldn't be in two places at once.
A woman who kept asking herself to be everything for everyone.
My vision blurred.
I blinked whatever it was quickly.
Don't you dare.
I swallowed hard.
The first tear slipped down anyway.
I wiped them away immediately, but they came back, again, and again.
Cameron was upstairs, probably dreaming about whatever it is he dreams about.
He probably still believes I'd figure this out. He always believed I'd figure it out.
So did I, until tonight.
I pulled my legs closer, resting my forehead against my knees.
I didn't want to be the lawyer, or the problem solver. I didn't want to be the woman who always had an answer.
I just wanted somebody else to tell me what to do.
There wasn't anybody.
Judge Johnson couldn't make the decision for me,Ted certainly wouldn't.
Dannah would tell me to follow my heart, and Cameron would probably tell me to choose my career.
That made it worse, because the one person whose permission would make this easier would never ask me to sacrifice it for him.
I cried a little harder at that thought. "I don't know what to do..."
The words disappeared into the quiet night.