ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟜𝟝
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I stood in front of the coffee machine waiting for it to finish brewing, watching the dark liquid slowly fill my mug.
It was kind of ironic- I used to hate coffee. Now I couldn't remember the last morning I hadn't made one.
I rubbed a hand over my face.
Today was the day. The thought had been sitting in the back of my mind since I'd opened my eyes.
I looked toward the clock.
8:14.
The appointment wasn't until ten. Okay, plenty of time.
Enough time to tell Dixie, enough time for her to get ready. Enough time for this to go..smooth. Hopefully better than I was imagining.
It wasn't like I wanted to keep it from her. If I'd asked, I wasn't sure she would've said yes, and I couldn't risk hearing another no.
Every day since I'd booked it, I'd told myself I'd tell Dixie.
But also every day, something got in the way. Or maybe I'd let something get in the way.
We both knew this whole thing wasn't working out.
And I was going to fix it.
~
I stood outside our bedroom door for a long moment. One hand rested on the doorknob while the other held my car keys.
I exhaled quietly before pushing the door open.
The curtains were still drawn, leaving the room washed in soft morning shadows. Dixie hadn't moved much since I'd gotten up earlier.
She was curled onto her side, one arm tucked beneath her pillow, the blanket pulled almost to her chin.
She looked peaceful, and well rested.
I couldn't remember the last time she'd looked like that while she was awake.
I walked over to her side of the bed. "Dix."
She didn't respond. I smiled faintly despite myself.
She was always impossible to wake up.
I reached over, brushing a few loose strands of hair away from her face.
"Dixie."
She let out the smallest groan. "Five more minutes."
"You said that an hour ago."
"I was serious an hour ago too."
I laugh quietly.
She buried her face deeper into the pillow. "I'm off today..why are you waking me up?"
"Because we're leaving."
"Where?" One eye slowly opened.
"You'll see when we get there."
The other eye opened, and she frowned.
"Cameron..ugh.." She pushed herself upright, rubbing at her eyes. "What time is it?"
"A little after nine."
"Nine?" She said, stretching her arms.
"Mhm."
"Why won't you let me sleep?"
"We have somewhere to be."
She stared at me for another few seconds. "You're being awfully vague. Am I in a dream right now?"
Dixie then pinched herself before muttering an Ow.
"You're not dreaming, Dix." I chuckle quietly to myself.
She stood, stretching her arms above her head before shivering slightly. The strap of the sports bra she slept in slipped off one shoulder.
"Can you at least tell me where we're going before I start putting clothes on?"
I nodded once. "We're going to marriage counseling."
She stopped moving completely, then she looked up at me.
"Pardon?"
"I booked us an appointment." I kept my voice calm.
"Today?"
"Ten o'clock."
She stared at me like I'd suddenly started speaking another language. "And you already booked it?"
"I did, Dix."
"You didn't ask me, Cameron."
"Yeah, I know. That's my fault."
"Why didn't you tell me about this first?"
I leaned against the dresser. "Because honestly...Dixie, I don't know how to fix this anymore."
She looked away first. "I thought we were..I thought we were getting better."
"I think we're trying." I say.
"I am. I've been trying."
"I know you have."
"Then why the stupid therapy?"
"First of all, it isn't stupid. Second, trying isn't fixing it." I said, sharp.
She folded her arms tightly. "Okay, I still don't care. You should've talked to me."
"I'm talking to you right now."
"No, talking would've been way before making the appointment."
I nodded slowly. "You're right."
"You don't get to decide things like this by yourself..and you can't just decide we're going to therapy."
I held her gaze. "And you also couldn't decide to disappear that night by yourself."
Her shoulders dropped almost immediately. She looked like someone had taken all the air out of her.
"How'd I know you were going to bring that up?" She sighed.
I rub my eyes.
"Dixie, this whole thing is confusing right now."
She closed her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"I know you are."
"I'm still sorry. I'll probably be apologizing for the rest of my life."
"I hope not."
She looked at me. "Why does it still feel like I'm paying for it, then? If that's also the case, why does everything feel different?"
Because it was.
I still reached for her in my sleep without realizing it, I still wanted to kiss her every morning. I still loved her more than I knew what to do with.
But every time I looked at her, I remembered standing on that stage, searching a crowd she promised she'd be in.
And not finding her.
"I don't know," I admitted quietly. "I just don't want us to stay like this."
She looked at me for a very long time.
Then finally asked in a whisper, "Do you really think talking to a stranger is going to fix us?"
"No. But I do think talking about it will help us."
"What if they tell us we're not supposed to be together?" She looked down.
The question caught me completely off guard.
She swallowed. "What if that's what happens? What then, Cam?"
"It won't."
"Right, and how would you know that?"
"Because I don't think I ever want to lose you." The words came out quiet.
She looked at me for another long moment before shaking her head.
"I still think you should've asked- and I'm still mad."
"I figured."
She sighed a long, frustrated sigh. "What time is it?"
"We should leave in twenty minutes." I glanced at my watch.
She nodded once. "I'm going to get dressed. I'm only going because if I don't, you'll lose the money."
She walked past me toward the closet.
Despite everything, I almost smiled.
~
Twenty minutes later, she stepped back into the bedroom. She wore a simple cream sweater with some black leggings and her hair was brushed up into a puff.
She had no makeup besides the little bit she always wore.
She looked beautiful, but also a bit nervous.
I grabbed my keys from the dresser, before walking over to her. I leaned down to kiss her forehead like I always did before we left the house.
At the last second, she turned her head. My lips brushed nothing but air.
She looked just as surprised as I felt.
"Uh, I'm..." She looked away, folding her arms. "I'm still upset."
"It wasn't because I don't..." She stopped herself.
"I know," I forced a small smile. "It's okay."
It wasn't, but I wasn't going to make her feel worse.
She quietly picked up her purse. "I'll meet you downstairs."
I watched her walk out of the bedroom. Only after she disappeared did I let out the breath I'd been holding.
~
The counseling office sat inside a renovated brick building tucked between a pediatric dentist and a financial planning office.
Not exactly where I'd imagined saving my marriage would begin.
I parked the SUV before shutting off the engine.
I cleared my throat, hoping to clear the awkwardness in the car.
"Are we ready?"
"No."
Okay, that was honest. At least it was something.
I nodded once.
Inside, the office was painfully peaceful. Soft instrumental music drifted through hidden speakers.
The place practically screamed, Nobody raise your voice here.
We approached the reception desk together. A woman in her late twenties smiled politely. "Good morning."
"Morning," I answered. "We're here to see Eleanor Hastings."
She looked down at her computer. "Names?"
"Cameron and Dixie West."
Her fingers moved quickly across the keyboard. Her smile widened as she clicked.
"Oh," She looked back up. "Mr. West."
"Yes?"
"I recognize you."
Here we go.
"You spoke at the community fundraiser last week."
I forced a polite smile. "I did."
"Yeah, I heard. You were wonderful."
"Thank you. I appreciate that." My smile faltered slightly.
She didn't know. Nobody here knew.
To her, it had probably looked fine.
She clicked a few more things. "Mrs. Hastings has been expecting you both. If you'll head down the hallway, second door on the left."
"Thank you."
Neither of us spoke as we walked.
I stopped outside the second door. Before I could knock, the door opened.
A woman with shoulder-length blonde hair smiled warmly. She looked to be in her late forties.
"Cameron?"
"That's me."
"And Dixie?"
Dixie nodded once.
"I'm Eleanor Hastings," She extended her hand first to me, then to Dixie.
"It's nice to meet both of you."
Her office looked nothing like a doctor's office.
There was a couch, two oversized chairs, and soft lighting. It almost looked like someone's living room.
"Sit wherever you're comfortable."
I took one side of the couch. Dixie deliberately left nearly two feet between us.
I noticed. I wasn't particularly sure Mrs. Hastings missed it.
Actually, judging by the tiny movement of her pen. She definitely didn't. She sat across from us, notebook resting neatly on her lap.
"I know first sessions can feel awkward." She laughed quietly.
No kidding.
"So before we get into anything difficult, I'd just like to thank you both for coming. Showing up is usually the hardest part."
I nodded slightly.
Silence didn't seem to bother her. It bothered me.
"So who'd like to tell me why you're here today?" She crossed one leg over the other.
I turned slightly toward Dixie. She'd hated this idea from the beginning.
Maybe if she started, she'd feel more involved. But she never looked up.
Her fingers stayed folded together in her lap.
"Dix?" I whisper.
She sighed quietly through her nose.
I waited another few seconds before looking back at Eleanor. "I guess I'll start."
"Go ahead." She nodded encouragingly.
I rubbed my palms together. "My sister disappeared about a week ago."
Mrs. Hastings's expression softened immediately.
"I'm so sorry."
I nodded. "Thank you. The investigation's still ongoing."
She wrote something down.