ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟜𝟝 #2
"My wife..uh, missed a really important event that was organized to help find her."
I glanced beside me. Dixie shifted slightly, staring at the floor.
"We argued. We've argued before, but..this one felt different."
Mrs. Hastings nodded slowly. "In what way?"
I took a breath. "I think...I've trusted Dixie with everything for years."
"My whole life. And when she told me she'd be somewhere, I believed her."
"I always believe her," My throat tightened. "I stood on that stage expecting to see her."
I swallowed. "She never came."
"I know she had reasons, but I can't explain why that night keeps replaying in my head."
Eleanor wrote several more lines, then looked over at Dixie. "What was that night like for you?"
"...I was working." She finally spoke.
Eleanor waited for Dixie to continue, but when she didn't, she just smiled gently.
"Okay..and how did you feel knowing you weren't going to make it?"
"I felt bad."
Eleanor nodded once. "You felt bad. Were you scared?"
"What would I be scared of? I already apologized." Dixie shrugged.
Eleanor smiled softly. "I'm asking because I'm trying to understand you."
Dixie didn't answer. She crossed one leg over the other, her arms folded tighter.
I recognized that posture immediately. Why was she closing herself off?
I resisted the urge to sigh.
Come on, Dix.
Please.
I didn't drag us here just so you'd answer every question with one sentence.
Mrs. Hastings noticed it as well. "There aren't any winners in this room, and there aren't any villains either."
She looked between us. "My job is simply just helping both of you understand what happened between you."
Dixie finally looked up, only for a second.
"...I just don't like talking about myself."
Mrs. Hastings smiled kindly. "I believe you, but I also don't think that's the whole reason."
Dixie's jaw tightened almost imperceptibly. She wasn't going to make this easy.
Watching her retreat behind those familiar walls all over again, I couldn't stop the frustration building quietly in my chest.
We were finally here- the one place where we were supposed to stop pretending.
Mrs. Hasting's eyes settled on me. "You mentioned trust."
"Yeah." I nodded glancing back.
"What does trust look like between the two of you?"
"It used to be easy." I glanced beside me. "Dixie and I never questioned each other."
"We'd argue, because we're stubborn. Especially her." I tried smiling, but Dixie didn't even look at me.
"Now, I don't know where I stood with her."
"What does trust look like to you?" Mrs. Hastings looked toward Dixie.
"The same."
She wrote something. "And do you feel Cameron trusts you?"
"Not right now."
"Why do you think that is?"
Dixie let out the smallest sigh. "Because I didn't show up to something important."
Mrs. Hastings waited. "Anything else?"
"No."
Dixie knew that wasn't everything.
Like how she'd lied.
Mrs. Hastings nodded slowly. "I notice your answers are very short."
"They answer the question." Dixie closed her eyes.
"They do..but they don't tell me much about you."
"I really don't know what else you want." Dixie scratched the side of her head.
"Whatever feels true to you."
"This is true."
The room became quiet again. I rubbed my thumb against my wedding band.
She wasn't even trying at this point.
Mrs. Hastings leaned back slightly. "Cameron, uh..what made you decide counseling was the next step?"
"I didn't know what else to do."
"Have you tried talking?"
"I have." I laugh quietly. "We apologize."
Mrs. Hastings looked confused. "The both of you?"
"We're actually really good at apologizing." I nodded.
Dixie finally looked over. "Just to clarify, I do mean it when I apologize."
"I know."
"And if something that was out of my way happened, I didn't mean for it to."
"Right," I sigh.
Mrs. Hastings watched the exchange carefully.
"So," She looked between us. "You apologize, but the hurt stays."
She tapped her pen gently against the notebook. "What happens after an argument?"
"We usually hug it out." I answered.
Dixie quietly added, "Eventually."
"What happens after that?"
"We move on."
Mrs. Hastings tilted her head. "Or you just bury it?"
I hesitated.
She nodded once. "I think that's important."
"I don't bury things." Dixie shifted beside me.
Mrs. Hastings smiled kindly. "No?"
"No. I deal with them."
"How?"
"I work."
She wrote another line. "So work helps regulate your emotions."
"When did I say that?"
She smiled. "You didn't..but I'm wondering if it does."
"I don't see what my job has to do with my marriage." Dixie crossed her arms tighter.
I couldn't stop myself at this point. "It has a lot to do with it."
She looked at me sharply. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"You know exactly what it means."
"No I don't." Dixie sat up slightly.
I shook my head. "I'm not arguing."
"You keep making it sound like I abandoned you." Dixie turned her head away.
"You did, Dix." I sigh.
Mrs. Hastings gently interrupted. "Sorry to get in between, but I think both of you are talking about two different experiences."
She looked toward me. "Tell me about your family."
"Um..my parents aren't handling my sister's disappearance well. My little brother, well..he's only in the 3rd grade."
Mrs. Hastings' face softened. "And where do the two of you fit into all of that?"
"I think we're trying to hold everything together." I looked at Dixie.
My eyes drifted toward the floor. "We already lost one child."
Dixie's head snapped toward me immediately.
Mrs. Hastings paused. "Your child?"
"Our daughter," I nodded once. "Jordyn."
She wrote the name carefully. "I'm so sorry. How old was she?"
"5."
"Would either of you like to tell me about her?" Mrs. Hastings' voice became even gentler.
I smiled despite myself. "She-"
"I'm sorry..but no." Dixie's voice cut across mine.
Mrs. Hastings looked over. "Dixie, no?"
"No, I don't want to talk about her." Dixie shook her head immediately.
"That's perfectly okay."
"No," She leaned forward. "I mean...I don't want this."
Mrs. Hastings stayed remarkably calm. "Can you help me understand why?"
Dixie's voice became tense "Because everybody always wants to talk about Jordyn."
Her breathing had noticeably changed.
"They ask questions, then they say they're sorry, and they look at you differently."
"I don't want that."
Mrs. Hastings nodded. "I understand."
Dixie shook her head harder. "I don't think you do."
"I'm not trying to make you relive anything."
"Then don't ask."
The words came out much harsher than she'd probably intended.
I looked over.
She stood abruptly. "I don't need strangers asking about my daughter."
Mrs. Hastings didn't move. She simply let Dixie breathe.
I closed my eyes for a second. "Dix, please. Stay"
She kept staring at the door, her shoulders were rising and falling just a little too fast.
Mrs. Hastings' voice remained incredibly calm. "We don't have to continue talking about Jordyn. We can leave that topic entirely."
Dixie didn't move.
"I promise."
"Dixie."
She finally looked over.
"I'd really appreciate it if you'd sit back down."
"The session isn't over yet, baby." I say.
Dixie closed her eyes as a long breath left her. She walked back slowly before lowering herself onto the couch again.
This time, she managed to sit even farther away from me.
Mrs. Hastings made another note before closing her notebook for a moment.
"Thank you. I know that wasn't easy."
She looked between us. "I also think we've learned something important already."
"What?" Dixie asked flatly.
"When you feel vulnerable, you protect yourself. Is that right?"
Dixie looked away.
"And Cameron, when you feel disconnected, you pursue."
I frowned slightly.
"You keep trying to close the distance."
I hadn't thought about it like that.
"You ask questions, seek reassurance and Dixie withdraws."
Mrs. Hastings glanced between us again. "Can I point something out? You've been sitting nearly two feet apart since you walked in."
I looked down.
Mrs. Hastings smiled gently. "Is that normal lately? Dixie?"
"I suppose." She sighed.
"Cameron?"
"Yeah."
Mrs. Hastings folded her hands together. "I'm curious, what does affection look like between the two of you?"
Dixie immediately looked horrified before laughing sheepishly into her hand.
"How could you ask that question?"
"I'm not asking about your private life."
Dixie looked flustered. "It's very strange. And also rude."
"It probably sounds that way, but I promise there's a reason." Mrs. Hastings chuckled softly.
Dixie looked incredibly unconvinced.
"I'm asking about everyday affection. Hugging, holding hands. Touch."
The corner of my mouth twitched. I smiled ever so slightly.
Mrs. Hastings looked toward me. "What about you, Cameron?"
"I usually always start it," I glanced beside me. "Sometimes she pulls away."
Dixie immediately looked over. "I don't always."
"No," I nodded. "Not always, but lately..."
I didn't finish.
Mrs. Hastings looked thoughtfully at both of us. "Would you both be willing to try something very small?"
"Depends." Dixie immediately narrowed her eyes.
"I'm simply going to ask if you'd be willing to hold hands while we continue talking. That's it." Mrs. Hastings smiled.
Dixie took a breath. "How is that supposed to help us?"
"It may not..but physical connection often tells us things words don't."
Dixie crossed her arms tighter. "I still don't understand."
"That's okay, you don't have to. I'm simply asking whether you're willing."
Dixie stared at her for several seconds, then at me.
I didn't hesitate. I quietly rested my hand on the cushion between us. My palm upward waiting for her to move.
Mrs. Hastings waited too.
Another ten seconds passed, and finally, with what looked like enormous reluctance, Dixie slowly uncrossed one arm.
Instead of placing her whole hand in mine, she lightly hooked two fingers around one of thumb, barely touching me.
It wasn't much, but it was something.