ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟜𝟟 #4
"That's not what I wanted, though."
He stared at me. "What exactly was I supposed to do?"
"I don't know," I looked away. "I just wanted you to be excited."
"I was."
"No you weren't."
He sighed.
"I was happy for you. I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate."
"Exactly."
"Exactly what?" He stared at me.
"That," I snapped. "You always have a reason why you can't be happy about something with me."
"That's not true. Everything has been complicated lately. Why are you acting like I did something wrong?"
I laughed softly. "I didn't say you did."
"Yes you did."
"I'm allowed to be disappointed."
He went quiet. I could see the irritation building behind his eyes.
"I never said you weren't allowed to be."
"Then what's the problem?"
"The problem is you're punishing me because I didn't react the way you wanted."
"I'm not punishing you."
"You've barely looked at me since I came upstairs."
"Well, I don't want to look at you right now."
He stared at me. "That was harsh."
I immediately regretted it- but I was still angry, so I didn't apologize. Cameron looked down for a second, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck.
"I'm sorry."
I looked at him.
He continued quietly. "I know you're excited about Justin. And you should be. You worked hard, but I can't pretend everything feels normal right now."
"I never asked you to pretend."
"You kind of did."
I frowned. "How?"
"You wanted me to celebrate like nothing else was happening."
"What? That isn't what I wanted."
"Then what did you want?"
"I wanted my husband...to be happy for me."
His expression softened lightly. "I am."
"Okay."
"Dix."
"What?"
"I mean it."
I didn't answer. He watched me for another few seconds before finally looking away, then he reached for a pair of sweatpants from the dresser.
"You know, I just..." He paused. "I've got a lot in my head right now."
"Yeah."
"Molly is still missing."
"I don't know where she is. I don't know if she's okay. I don't know if we're getting closer or farther away."
I stared down at the blanket.
"And then you call me telling me you might finally get Justin out, and I'm happy for you, but my brain is somewhere else."
I nodded slowly. "Yeah. I understand."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
He looked at me. I forced myself to meet his eyes.
"I do."
He seemed to study my face for a moment, then nodded.
"Okay. Cool."
The room became quiet again. He pulled the sweatpants on beneath the towel before dropping it onto the chair.
I watched him reach for a shirt, then he spoke again.
"We're going back to see Ms. Hastings soon."
I immediately shook my head. "No."
"What do you mean, no?" His eyebrows lifted.
"I already told you I'm not going."
He stared at me. "I thought you were just upset about the first session."
"I was, but I can't do it."
He slowly lowered the shirt he was holding. "Why can't you?"
"I just can't." I looked away.
"Dixie-"
"I don't want to talk about it, Cameron."
He was quiet, then his voice softened. "You don't have to tell me everything, okay?"
"I don't want to go back."
"I know you don't."
He set the shirt down, then he walked toward the bed. I immediately looked away.
Cameron stopped beside my side of the bed. "Listen, I know you didn't like it."
I didn't respond.
"I know you felt uncomfortable..and I know you probably felt like she was picking you apart."
I didn't want to admit that he was right.
He sat down on the edge of the mattress. "We don't have to fix everything in one session."
I stared at the wall.
"We don't even have to talk about everything, but I think we should keep going."
"Why?" I finally looked at him.
"Because I don't want us to stay like this."
His voice was gentle. It made me want to cry, which only irritated me more.
"I don't want to talk about our marriage with a complete stranger."
"Dixie, I'm only doing this because I don't want to lose you."
That shut me up.
Cameron continued. "I don't want us to keep hurting each other."
He reached toward me, but then stopped midway. For a second, I thought he was going to touch my hand.
He pulled his hand back. "I won't force you to talk tonight."
I didn't answer.
"And I'm not going to argue with you about it."
He picked up his shirt again. "I just want you to know that I'm not doing this because I think you're broken."
"I also don't think there's anything wrong with you, I'm just trying to figure out how we get back to being okay."
I looked away again. I didn't know how to answer to that. I wasn't sure I knew how to get back either.
Cameron finished changing and turned off the lamp on his side of the room.
The mattress shifted as he climbed into bed.
He stayed on his side, and I stayed on mine. There was enough space between us that it felt deliberate.
I stared into the darkness, then I heard his voice.
"Goodnight, Dix."
I didn't answer. I heard him breathe out softly.
I remained facing the opposite direction.
Eventually, the room became completely silent, and sometime later I fell asleep.
~