ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟜𝟠 #3
He ran a hand through his hair. "I just wanted you to understand that this isn't about you.This isn't about your job."
"It's about Molly. Stop making it about you!"
My mouth fell open. For a moment, I couldn't even speak.
Luckily, Cameron seemed to realize what he'd said. "Dixie I didn't mean-"
I backed away. "Oh, you meant it, alright."
"I was angry."
"So was I, but the difference is I don't say things I don't mean." I cross my arms.
"You want to know what the problem is?"
He stayed silent.
"I have spent weeks trying to figure out how to reach you.I've tried talking to you, I've tried giving you space."
I wiped my cheek. "I've even tried going to therapy with you. I've tried being there when you didn't want to talk."
I shook my head. "And after all that, somehow I'm still the person who doesn't care enough."
I always thought Cameron would get it. Seems like I was wrong.
"That's not what I said."
"You don't have to say it. I can feel it. Every time I try to reach for you, you move farther away. I don't know what else you want from me."
"I want you to understand."
"I do understand!" I raised my voice again.
"She's your sister...I..I know she's important to you!" Tears were streaming down my face now.
"Then why don't you act like it?"
"Okay." I wiped my cheeks again. Something bitter escaped me before I could stop it.
"You know what? you're right. Maybe I shouldn't be trying anymore."
"All I've ever asked was for you to be there for me like how I was there for you." He said, staring right back at me.
I shook my head. "I'm tired."
"So am I, Dixie." He rubs his eyes, sighing briefly.
"No! You don't know how exhausting it is to constantly feel like I'm failing you."
"And..and I'm tired of feeling like I'm competing with a missing eleven-year-old."
His face went white. The silence afterward was horrifying. I immediately knew that was the sentence I couldn't take back.
I looked up from the floor, covering my mouth.
"I didn't mean-I didn't mean it like that."
"Yeah." He nodded slowly. 'I heard you."
I felt my chest collapse. "Cam..I'm-"
His voice cracked. "I can't do this right now."
"I think maybe we need space.Maybe we should get a divorce."
I watched as his entire expression changed.
"No." He shook his head.
"What do you mean no?"
"No..." He repeated. "Dixie, no. You don't get to decide that by yourself."
"Neither do you."
"I wasn't deciding anything!" I flung my arms
"You just said divorce." He said, a little exasperated.
"Because I don't know what else to do!"
"Well, don't say that." His voice was still controlled, but there was something he was hiding.
Fear. I could see right through it like glass.
"Why not?" I wipe my eyes.
"Because, Dixie, I don't want a divorce."
I swallowed. "Well, maybe I do."
He stared at me.
I was shocked at my language too, but I was too angry to take them back.
"You don't mean that." He laughed in disbelief.
"I think I might." I whisper.
"No," He shook his head again. "You're angry."
"So are you."
"Yes, I am."
"Then maybe we're finally saying what we actually feel."
"I don't want a divorce, Dixie."
"You keep saying that like it fixes everything."
"You're right, it doesn't. But a divorce isn't the right answer."
"Then what is?"
He didn't answer.
Exactly.
I laughed bitterly. "That's what I thought."
I turned away from him.
"Dixie."
"I need space from you."
"Okay."
"I mean actual space."
"I heard you."
"And I don't want you following me around like a lost puppy."
"Okay," His jaw tightened. "I'm not going to follow you."
I nodded. "Good."
I turned toward the closet.
I didn't care as he watched me open the door.
"Dixie, what are you doing?"
I didn't answer. Instead, I reached for one of my large tote bags from the shelf. The same one I used when I traveled.
I dropped it onto the bed.
Cameron stared at it. "Dix."
I opened the closet.
"What are you packing?"
I didn't want to reply. I grabbed my work uniform, a few shirts, a pair of jeans, then another blouse. I folded them quickly and shoved them into the bag.
"Dixie, where are you going?"
I grabbed a sweater.
"Are you listening to me?" He grabbed my shoulder lightly.
"Don't touch me, Cameron."
I turned away from him, shoving everything into the bag.
"Dixie."
"Quit talking to me."
He went quiet after that, though I could feel his eyes following every movement. I grabbed toiletries from the bathroom.
None of it felt real.
I wasn't thinking about where I would sleep- I wasn't even thinking about whether I was being reasonable.
I just knew I needed to get away from the room.
Away from him. Away from the feeling that I couldn't breathe.
That would surely be better for me.
Cameron stood near the doorway. "Are you seriously leaving?"
I didn't answer.
"Dixie."
I zipped the tote bag. The sound seemed unnaturally loud in the room.
I picked it up. It was heavier than I expected.
Cameron stepped aside as I walked through the doorway.
It was a shame he didn't stop me, but then again, why did I care?
He obviously showed me he was done with me, so I wasn't going to hold onto him anymore.
I walked past him. Neither of us said anything.
I made it halfway down the stairs before I heard his footsteps behind me.
"Dixie."
I kept walking.
"Wait."
I reached the bottom floor. He followed me into the foyer.
"Do you really want to do this?"
I turned around. "Yes."
He looked at me. "You're leaving our house?"
"I need somewhere else to be."
"Where?"
"I don't know."
"Dixie, where are you going, exactly?"
"I said I don't know!" I yell.
"You're upset, so am I.." He rubbed his hand over his face. "Don't make a decision like this right now."
I stared at him. "You already made plenty of decisions for us."
"What does that mean?" His eyebrows pulled together.
"It means I don't know where I fit in your life anymore."
"You're my wife."
"Why don't I feel like it?"
He went silent.
"I can't keep waking up wondering whether you're going to talk to me, and I can't keep asking if you're okay and getting nothing."
"I've been trying."
"So have I."
He looked at the tote bag hanging from my shoulder. "You're really leaving?"
"Yes, and nothing you say or do will change that." I nodded.
He exhaled. "Okay."
"That's it?"
"What do you want me to do?"
"I don't know!" I threw my hands up. "Fight for me!"
"I am fighting for you."
"No, you're fighting for Molly."
I immediately wished I hadn't said it, but Cameron needed to feel how I felt right now.
I wiped away at my tears before I could say more.
"I can't believe we're doing this." He looked down.
I reached for the front door.
His voice stopped me. "Hey Dixie? I love you, you know that, right? I love you so much,"
My eyes closed. I loved him too.
I just didn't know how to keep loving someone while feeling this lonely.
"Of course you do." I opened the door.
"Just don't leave."
My hand tightened around the handle. "I need to."
"Dixie."
"I need space, Cameron." I turned.
He didn't answer, so I stepped outside.
The door closed behind me. I stomped toward my car, the tote bag landed heavily in the passenger seat.
I got inside, and closed the door. My hands rested on the steering wheel.
I couldn't move.
Through the windshield, I could see the house.
The place I'd spent so much of my life.
I didn't want to leave. That was the ridiculous part of all this, actually.
I wanted him to come outside, knock on the window.
I wanted him to tell me I was being stubborn and stupid and that we were going to fix everything.
But the driveway stayed empty.
Why was I crying? I got exactly what I wanted.
Space.
It felt awful.
~
I knocked at Dannah's door twice before she answered. I was still in my blazer and skirt, though my hair had looked a mess now. That gel didn't work, I guess.
When she finally opened the door, I started to sob.
Why did I leave Cameron? Just what made me think that was the right decision?
"Dixie?"
I couldn't even speak. I let my face do all the work.
"Dixie, are you okay?"