ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟝𝟟
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~
"I feel so stupid for that, Cameron!"
Dixie dropped her purse onto the floor the second we stepped inside.
She pulled off one heel, then the other. She turned toward me, her eyes already red from holding back tears.
"I should've known he wasn't going to give me my position back."
I opened my mouth, but stopped.
"I should've known." She shook her head. "I actually thought he was going to let me come back."
She laughed bitterly. "I have to assist Georgia."
I could hear how much that bothered her.
It wasn't just about the job. She'd spent so long trying to prove she belonged in that office, and now Ted was asking her to start over.
I stepped closer. "Come here."
"I don't want to..." She shook her head.
I opened my arms, standing there, waiting.
Dixie stared at me before she walked straight into my arms. The second I wrapped them around her, she started crying.
She sobbed hard against my chest.
I tightened my arms around her. "It's okay."
"No, it's not. Stop saying that. Gosh..I hate him. And I hate that stupid firm."
I rubbed her back slowly.
"I hate Ted." She repeated.
I couldn't help it. A tiny smile pulled at my mouth.
Dixie looked up, and she pulled back slightly. "Why are you smiling?"
I tried to straighten my expression. "I'm not. Well..."
I sighed. "Gee, Dixie. You finally hate them."
"What?" She stared at me.
"You've spent the last few weeks defending that firm like it personally raised you."
She sniffled. "You know I don't like Georgia though. I've never liked her."
"Oh, I know."
"And Ted is a big, hypocritical idiot." She wiped her cheeks.
"Now we're getting somewhere." I nodded solemnly.
She quietly laughed. It barely lasted a second, but I was glad I heard it. I missed hearing her laugh in this house.
I missed all of it.
Dixie looked down. "I feel stupid. I should've seen what he was doing. I'll never get my job back- no matter how much I try."
"I've been awful." She stepped away from me, wiping another tear from her cheek. "I left, and..I'm sorry about that. I already knew you were dealing with Molly."
"You were overwhelmed, Dix. Don't apologize for needing space"
"Okay...but, I should've been there for you."
"Don't have to punish yourself for it."
She nodded at that. "But I do feel guilty. I keep thinking about Molly."
Dixie's eyes filled again as she looked up at me. "She's okay?"
"Well, she misses you. I told her that you needed some time."
She squeezed my hand. "Can you tell her I'm sorry?"
"For what?" I frowned slightly.
"For leaving so suddenly. Please.." Her voice became smaller. "Tell her I'm sorry."
I nodded. "I will."
"And tell her I didn't leave because of her, and..and tell her I missed her."
I smiled faintly. "I'll tell her."
Dixie nodded.
"Oh gosh..I don't know if I can go back there tomorrow." She leaned against the wall.
"Why would you ever go back, Dix?"
"I think I should." She looked up at me.
I thought hearing Ted say that all that to her was enough. He's got her in a chokehold and I wasn't sure how to help.
"You've had a rough day." I sigh.
"I've had a rough couple of months."
"That too."
She sighed. None of us spoke for a minute. It became obvious to both of us Dixie and I needed help.
But how was I supposed to help a woman who refused every ounce of it?
Apologises and kisses in advance, Dixie, but I was going to make this work.
~
The door opened, and Ms. Hastings came in.
She looked surprised, but smiled politely at us. "Well, hello to you both."
I smiled up at her. "Hey, Ms. Hastings."
I looked towards Dixie. She hadn't said anything, but she did give a little wave.
Ms. Hastings sat down on her chair, pulling out her notebook and pen.
"My apologies for coming in late, I didn't realize you two would be here."
That was my fault. I had to convince Dixie for about a couple hours last night so we could go to therapy. She hated the idea, but we ended up here anyway.
I sat back in my chair. Dixie hadn't said a word since Ms. Hastings walked into the room.
She was staring down at her hands, pretending not to be nervous. At least, that's what she probably wanted it to look like.
I knew her far better than that.
Her thumb kept rubbing against the side of her index finger. She only did that when she was uncomfortable.
I glanced toward Ms. Hastings.
She was watching Dixie too. I supposed she had to- that was the entire reason we were here.
Ms. Hastings crossed one leg over the other and rested her notebook against her knee.
"So," she said gently, "I believe the last time we spoke, we were discussing how difficult it has been for both of you to communicate when you're upset."
"Yeah." Dixie gave a small nod.
I looked at her.
Ms. Hastings didn't seem bothered. "Would you say that's still true?"
"Yes." She didn't even hesitate.
I shifted in my seat. Well, at least she said something.
Ms. Hastings looked at me. "Cameron? Would you agree?"
I nodded. "Absolutely."
Dixie glanced at me. For half a second, our eyes met, then she looked away again.
"I want to go back to what happened between you two recently," Ms. Hastings said "Not to assign blame. I want to understand what happened emotionally."
Dixie sighed. "Well, listen. I don't really know where to start."
"You don't have to know." Ms. Hastings smiled gently. "That's why I'm here."
Dixie looked down again. I wanted to reach for her, but I couldn't.
I'd learned that sometimes loving Dixie meant knowing when to touch her, it also meant knowing when not to.
Ms. Hastings opened her notebook. "Dixie, when you left the house, what were you hoping would happen?"
I remembered that night.
The sound of the front door closing, and the silence afterward. I'd replayed it so many times in my head that I could practically hear her shaking voice again.
Dixie swallowed. "Er..I don't know."
Ms. Hastings waited.
Dixie sighed. "I think I just wanted everything to stop."
"The arguing." She looked at her lap. "And..the pressure. The feeling that I was disappointing everyone."
I frowned slightly.
"Who did you feel like you were disappointing?" Ms. Hastings softly asked.
"Everyone." Dixie whispered.
Everyone. I wondered if I'd been part of that. The answer was most likely yes.
Ms. Hastings nodded slowly. "Yourself included?"
"Yes." Dixie gave another small, sad nod.
And here I was, thinking she left because she was angry at me.
Then again, maybe she had been, but there was more to it than that. There always seemed to be more nowadays.
Ms. Hastings turned toward me. "And Cameron, when she left, what did you feel?"
"Panic.I was angry at first. Then I was scared that she wasn't coming back."
The room went quiet.
I glanced at Dixie. She didn't look up at me, but her eyes were slightly glossy. I looked away before I made it worse.
Ms. Hastings wrote something down. "Did you tell her that?"
"Not really."
"Why not?"
"Because I was angry."
Ms. Hastings nodded.
"I shut down."
Dixie gave me a tiny look, scoffing. "You don't shut down."
"Well then what do I do, Dixie?" I sighed, turning to her.
"You were following me around."
"Because you were packing a bag, for Christ sake." I pinch my nose bridge.
"You wouldn't let me leave."
"You were leaving."
Ms. Hastings lifted one hand. "Okay."
We both stopped.
"That's actually a good example." She smiled. "Both of you are trying to explain what happened from your own perspective..but neither of you is really listening to the other person's."
Dixie looked down, and I leaned back.
She wasn't entirely wrong.
"Cameron, you were afraid of losing Dixie, so you became more persistent, and Dixie, you felt overwhelmed, so you needed distance."
"The more distance you needed, the more Cameron pursued you and the more he pursued you, the more trapped you felt."
Dixie slowly looked up. "Yes."
I don't know why hearing her confirm that hurt. I thought I was trying. I'd thought I was fighting for our marriage, but she'd experienced it as pressure.
Ms. Hastings looked at me. "Does that make sense?"
"Yeah." I nodded slowly.
Dixie looked at me. "Cameron, I wasn't trying to hurt you."
"I know." I wanted to tell her I understood, but I didn't want to interrupt.
Ms. Hastings gave her a gentle smile. "That's important. You said you couldn't breathe?"
"That's how it felt." Dixie nodded.
"Let's remember that feeling." She closed her notebook for a moment. "You were trying to escape the feeling you were having."
Dixie hadn't considered it that way, and neither had I.
Ms. Hastings continued. "Cameron, you weren't necessarily trying to control Dixie."
I looked at Dixie, nodding. "I really wasn't."
"You were trying to reassure yourself that she wasn't leaving, but your fear made you push harder, and her fear made her pull away."
Dixie sighed. "That's basically what happened."
"Okay." Ms. Hastings smiled. "Now we're getting somewhere."
"Can we work on physical reassurance? It's something very simple. I'd like you two to hold hands again."
Dixie stared at her.
"You both have a tendency to withdraw when things become uncomfortable. You physically separate, and when that happens, your minds start filling in the blanks."
I nodded. That was painfully accurate.
Ms. Hastings continued.
"Touch doesn't solve communication. But sometimes a small physical reminder that you're still on the same side can help."
Dixie looked at her polished hands, then at me. I slowly turned my palm upward on the armrest.
Dixie exhaled, then she moved her hand across the space between us. Her fingers slipped into mine.
It was such a small thing, her hand in mine. But it felt enormous after everything we'd been through.
I closed my fingers gently around hers, caressing my thumb on hers.
Ms. Hastings smiled. "Good. You both need encouragement."
I laughed quietly. Dixie looked at me. "Why are you laughing?"
"Encouragement, Dixie."
She smiled at me before rolling her eyes.