28. Chapter 28
Friday afternoon, I chew on what’s left of my fingernails while on my way to study group. After sneaking out of Sam’s apartment early Wednesday morning, I felt like such a sleazeball. He texted me to make sure I got home okay, but that was it. I don’t know if he was mad about it, or just indifferent, but I avoided him all the same. I even managed to get into O-Chem lecture early and be the first to leave yesterday.
I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened. Honestly, I’m still not.
Spending the night is not part of our agreement. We’re supposed to be having sex to make working together more tolerable, and it’s been successful. We don’t argue anymore. We don’t disagree nearly as much, and when we do, it’s a light-hearted discussion. We’re on much better terms than we used to be.
But that doesn’t negate the fact that we cuddled. All. Night. Long.
We usually cuddle for a few minutes post-sex, but that’s mainly to make easing back into reality less stressful. We don’t do it because we like each other.
I shake away the jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions as I walk through the O-Chem doorway. I find Sam already here, waiting for me. “Oh, hey,” I say as I shut the door behind me.
“Hey,” he replies without looking up from the computer.
The guilt punches me again. “Is everything ready?”
“Mhm.” He nods, but doesn’t look at me.
With an exasperated sigh, I slide my backpack off my shoulder, and plop into a chair. I swivel the seat back and forth with my hands folded on my stomach. My gaze keeps unintentionally flicking to Sam, but he’s laser-focused on the computer. I can’t blame him for being mad.
“All set.” He slaps the desk and turns to me. “Sorry, I wanted to make sure it was actually going to work before everyone got here.” His brow furrows. “You okay?”
I give a tight smile and nod.
Still eyeing me suspiciously, he leans back in his chair, mimicking my posture. “I think this will be fun tonight.”
“I’m sure it will be.”
“I can’t wait to see what happens on the next test. The mid-term grades improved so well, I wonder if they’ll improve more or stay the same.” There’s a sparkle in his eye, like he’s excited to discover new data. Like a true scientist.
“Maybe if everyone gets A”s, we won’t have to do these groups anymore.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I regret them. Even more so when I see the hurt on Sam’s face. “I didn’t mean that. What I meant was?”
Sam holds up his hand. “Nah, I get it. This eats up a lot of time.” The hand that’s in the air floats back to run through his hair.
I wince at the defeat in his tone, but I nod. “Maybe we shouldn’t have any more impromptu meetings, then.”
He opens his mouth, but a knock at the door stops him. Getting up, he stalks past me to unlock it, but stops and bends down. “For the record, I don’t mind you eating up my time.” With a wink, he steps away to open the door.
I stare after him, my mouth hanging open at the audacity of his confession. I decide it’s best not to think too hard about it, especially right now when we’re supposed to be teaching, so I turn my attention to the class.
Charades is a huge hit. Between my awful rendition of compound molecules and Sam’s hilarious, yet strangely accurate, display of synthesis, we have the entire class rolling on the floor. Several students even ask us to do charades for another study group session.
As bad as my acting is, I enjoy myself quite a bit. It helps that Sam’s laugh is infectious. From the first muffled guffaw, I find it incredibly difficult to keep my composure. Half the time, I end up breaking character to laugh along with him.
But that’s not all I learn about him tonight.
I also notice he’s different when he’s laughing. Like, actually laughing. The kind where you can’t catch your breath and tears well in your eyes. When he laughs like that, his smile is brighter. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but I know I haven’t seen him smile like that before, and it’s cute.
He’scute. The whole session he’s been playful, fun, and a giant goofball that maybe I knew was in there, but haven’t paid attention to. I know Sam is funny. He’s clever, anyway, but I’m not familiar with that side of him. Now, I want to be.
By the time the last of our classmates are out the door, Sam and I are all packed up. He hikes his backpack onto his shoulder, giving me a grin. “We were a hit tonight.”
“Yeah, we certainly were something.” I shake my head. “At least you were, I don’t know what I was doing.”
He chuckles. “You did pretty good.”
“I made people laugh, but I don’t think that’s the point of these sessions, is it?” I crinkle my nose, making an exaggerated confused face.
Sam laughs harder, and I revel in the sound. “No, but I’m sure it’ll help some of them retain the information. They’ll come to a question on the next test about the molecular makeup of adrenaline, and all they’ll have to do is picture you doing jumping jacks and running around in circles.”
“Ugh.” I drop my face into my palm. “I hope no one got that on video.”
“Hey, maybe you’ll go viral.”
I remove my hand, looking up at Sam. “Ha, just what I need.”
He smiles sympathetically and sighs. “Brynn, I want you to know I meant what I said earlier about you taking up my time.”
My breath catches. “Oh?”
“I don’t mind. In fact, I think I enjoy it. Because of the sex, that is.”
A laugh bursts from me, but I quickly reel it in with a sharp inhale. “I’m sorry for taking off without saying goodbye Wednesday morning.”
“No worries. You staying the night isn’t our normal protocol.”
“Yeah, but I should know how to act like a decent human being. I could have at least woken you up so you could have locked the door behind me.”
Sam licks his lips, his gaze flicking away before meeting mine again. “So, why did you leave then?”
“I don’t know.” I let out a heavy sigh. “Waking up still in bed with you freaked me out. I didn’t think things through the night before, and I wasn’t prepared for the outcome.”
“And what was the outcome?” Sam asks, his voice quaking with curiosity.
My pulse flutters as I stare at him. I want to tell him the outcome was me enjoying waking next to him. That I slept better than I have in a long time because of his arms wrapped around me, and I want to do it again. I want to explain these feelings bubbling within me.
But I can’t.
It violates our agreement, so I settle for, “That I panicked because I had to rush to get home in time to get ready for my classes.”
Sam’s shoulders sag as he slowly nods. “I can see how that would be stressful.” With a deep breath, he says, “No more meetups during the week, then. We’ll stick to Saturdays only.”
As much as I know I should feel relieved, I’m almost disappointed. But I know it’s for the best. “Thanks, Sam.”
“So...” he says, rocking back and forth on his heels. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“One o’clock.”
“Awesome.” He juts his chin to the door. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
It’s a beautiful day for a walk. Sure, it’s only thirty-five degrees, but the sun is shining and there’s no wind. Plus, there was a light snowfall last night, and the ground glitters in the sunlight. It’s fitting scenery for my uplifted mood.
After my talk with Sam yesterday, I feel so much better. Knowing that Wednesday wasn’t as bad as I thought takes a weight off my shoulders I didn’t realize I was carrying. His understanding about only meeting on Saturdays helped too. I’m lucky to have such a great frenemy.
I practically skip around the corner to Sam’s apartment. As I reach the stairs, his door opens, and I whip my head up with a smile on my face to greet him. Was he watching for me? He must be as excited as I am.
The smile drops from my face when a woman’s laughter stabs my eardrums. In a panic, I duck into alcove for the lower-level apartments, pressing my back to the wall. Footsteps sound on the stairs, so I peek.
I see Sam’s Converse sneakers walk down first, in step with a pair of fuzzy Uggs. His jeans and sweatshirt then come into view, contrasting the form-fitting leggings under a plush sweater next to him. When they reach the bottom step, I see his arm around her shoulders as her long blondish hair cascades down like a waterfall.
My chest constricts around my palpitating heart. It’s beating so loudly, I can’t hear what they’re saying, but I can hear her giggling at his every word.
Is this really happening? Is Sam with another girl? After everything he said about not sleeping around, he goes and bangs some bimbo.
He lied. Again.
Nudging her toward the parking lot, they turn their backs to me, so I make my escape. I tear away from the alcove. My jelly-like legs don’t let me get far, though, and I end up collapsing behind a nearby tree. I bang my head against it.
How could I be so stupid? I fell for all his charm again.
My lungs struggle to work. I can’t seem to suck in enough oxygen. I need to get out of here.
When I peek around the tree, I see them chatting next to a car. Sam’s back is to me, but the blondish girl is facing me, and she has the happiest expression on her face. She looks like she’s just had the best time of her life.
If she was with Sam, I understand why.
My stomach drops when she throws her arms around his neck and pulls him in for a strong hug, planting a gigantic kiss on his cheek. I lurch, but hold down the nervous vomit threatening to rise. Clamping my hand over my mouth, I lean against the tree once again.
With my eyes squeezed shut, I fight the urge to cry. I refuse to shed any tears over this. Over him.
A car door shuts and an engine roars to life. My eyes pop open. I lean over to watch Sam wave his hand in the air before shoving it into his pocket as the car drives away. The huge smile on his face when he turns around makes my jaw quiver. The fucking snake is happy about this.
What do I do now? I can’t go up there after witnessing that. There’s no way I’d be able to look him in the eye, let alone have sex with him. Ugh, I might actually puke.
That gives me an idea. I pull out my phone.
brYNN:Hey, I can’t come over today. I think I have food poisoning or something.
SAM: Oh, shit. That sucks. Do you need anything?
Dammit, why does he have to be sweet right now?
brYNN: No, thanks. Lisa is here to take care of me.
brYNN: But I’ll send over my notes for the study group in a little while.
SAM: Yeah, sure, whenever. No rush. Get some rest, and if you need anything, let me know.
brYNN: Okay, thanks.
I let my head fall back against the tree as my arm falls to my side. I’m in the clear for now, at least. I need to get home and figure out what the fuck I’m going to do about this. With a deep, bolstering breath, I climb to my feet and begin the long trek back home.
After I burst through our front door, I slam it behind me and flee to my room. I flop onto my bed and scream into my pillow, but I don’t cry. I can’t. My blood boils so furiously that my tears evaporate before they even reach my eyes.
Beating my fists into my mattress, I scream some more. The anger swirling inside me has taken control of my body and mind, and I can’t stop myself. I can’t even think straight. I’m sure I look like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, but no one is here to see.
How could he? How could he betray me like that? After all the things he’s said to me, not to mention all the things we’ve shared and done. He used me.
Again.
He told me all the things I wanted to hear and, like an idiot, I ate them up. I let my guard down. I trusted him when I knew I shouldn’t. He showed me who he was when he showed up in O-Chem, exposed all his lies, then became my enemy. I knew better, and yet, here I am. All because I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Like Connor.
I roll over, flopping my arm over my face, and the tears finally come. Am I destined to be that girl? The one who’s only good temporarily? The one who’s great for warming a bed, but not for loving?
Fuck, I hope not.
But when will I get my chance? I’ve already proven I’m no good at character judgment. The one guy I thought was my forever left me for bigger and better things, and the guy I thought was my insta-love story turned out to be a lying prick. Twice.
The sobs lurch out of me so violently, I curl into the fetal position.
I don’t know how long I lie in bed crying, but it’s long enough for the sun to go down. When my stomach rumbles, I realize I haven’t eaten anything since lunch, so I head downstairs. I search the fridge, coming up empty. My stomach may be hungry, but I have no appetite.
I settle for a bowl of cereal, which I eat on the couch while watching trashy reality TV. I need something mindless. Curling up under a blanket, I nurse my cereal and let the drama on the TV negate my own.
It isn’t long after I finish my cereal that the front door opens and Lisa strolls in with Brent hot on her heels. I try my best to wipe my face and plaster on a happy expression. “Hey, guys.”
Lisa does a double take. “Oh, Brynn. I thought you’d be at Sam’s.” She frowns as she watches my jaw quiver. “Oh, shit. What’s wrong?”
I raise my gaze to the ceiling, blinking away the stinging tears, but I can’t speak.
Lisa runs to my side. “Brynn, what happened?”
“He did it again.” I drop my chin, locking my watery eyes on hers. “He lied.”
She grimaces and turns to Brent. “Can you give us a minute?”
“Oh, uh, yeah. I’ll wait in your room,” he says, then heads upstairs.
When we hear the door to her room shut, Lisa turns back to me. “Okay, spill it.”
Through more tears, I let all the details come pouring out. Lisa knows about my agreement with Sam, but she doesn’t know how well things have been going. So I tell her. I tell her everything from the mind-blowing sex, to how much I’ve come to like Sam, to our intimate Wednesday night. Each sentence is painful to say, but I feel better after every confession.
Until I get to the end. “Which brings us to today.” I take a deep breath and swallow. “When I got to his place, I saw him walk a girl out.”
Lisa gasps. “No.”
I nod. “She even kissed him goodbye, and when he turned around, he seemed so happy about it.”
“That sack of shit.”
I don’t defend him. He doesn’t deserve it. “So, I texted him I was sick, and came home to cry all afternoon.”
“What? Why didn’t you confront the prick?”
“I don’t know.” I drop my gaze to my lap, wringing my hands. “I think that if I confront him, then all this becomes real. I’ll hear the lies come out of his mouth and it’ll solidify the fact that I’m alone.”
Lisa takes my hands in hers. “Then let’s not be alone.”
“What?” I sniffle and lift my head.
“Let’s go out.”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah. I mean, I know it’s not our usual Thursday ladies’ night, but we can still get you hammered enough to let another guy take your mind off Sam.”
I chuckle, wiping away a tear. “But you have plans with Brent. I can hang out with Jackie and Hannah.”
“They went to Denver for that concert, remember?” She shrugs a shoulder. “And Brent can come with us. That way, he can scare off creepers.”
“Are you sure? I doubt that’s what he wants to do with his Saturday night.”
“You obviously need to do something or someone”?she pauses to wink at me?“to get over Sam. You’re my best friend. You will always come first.”
I gawk at her. “You’re pretty confident.”
“I get it from you,” she says with a smile, and pats my leg. “Now, go take a shower and get ready. Brent and I can have our night together before we go out.” She bobs her eyebrows.
I crinkle my nose. “I didn’t need to know that.”