29. Chapter 29
Lisa was only half right. Even though it’s not ladies’ night, I’ve had plenty of drinks, but I’m not having any luck finding someone to take my mind off Sam. To be honest, I’m not trying. How can I? Everything with Sam is so fresh, and while the six cranberry vodkas coursing through my veins are helping, they’re not magic potions.
Every time a guy smiles at me, I turn away. I’ve refused the few that have asked for a dance, and I even turned down a guy who wanted to buy me a drink. When I think about trying to flirt or dancing with someone, it feels too much like cheating on Sam, which I know is ridiculous since he’s the one who did it first.
I take a long draw, finishing off my seventh drink. I can’t think things like that. We aren’t a couple. Never were, and never will be, so why am I so hurt?
As I flag down the bartender to order another cocktail, my eyes fall to Lisa and Brent sitting on the bar stools to my side. They’re so involved in each other, they’ve barely spoken to me. I can’t really blame them. Lisa doesn’t usually stay with a guy for long, but she seems to really like Brent. I’m happy for her.
I am, but I can’t watch them for long. Their gooey facial expressions are sickening, but it’s more so the fact that I want what they have. I want someone to look at me the way Brent looks at Lisa, like I’m the only one in the world who matters. It’s the way Sam looks at me.
Fuck, I need some air.
Tossing back my newest drink, I tap Lisa’s shoulder and point to the patio. Her eyes flick from me to the bathroom, as if asking whether she should come, but I shake my head and hold up a finger. I’ll only be a minute. I need to clear my head, and what better way to do that than by stepping into the frigid December air. Luckily, my eighth cranberry vodka is keeping me warm, if not a bit unstable on my feet.
A blast of winter smacks me in the face as I open the patio door. Unlike air-conditioning, though, the air is fresh and crisp. It seems to open my airways instantly when I breathe.
Taking up residence under an outdoor heater, I stare at the twinkling stars peppering the night sky. I used to wish on the stars as a little girl. I wished for all kinds of crazy things, as all kids do, but the one wish I made over and over again was to fall in love.
I never wanted a fairy tale, didn’t need a handsome prince to come save me. I knew I was perfectly capable of saving myself. My life was going to be an adventure, and I wanted someone to share that with. I wished and wished for a partner, an ally, a soulmate.
Still do, but I haven’t found one yet.
With a heavy sigh, I spin to head back inside, but the patio swirls around me. I have to brace myself on a nearby stool. Hopefully, the world will stop spinning soon so I can get inside before the alcohol wears off and I’m able to feel the cold.
“Brynn?”
I freeze, and not from the chill in the air. That voice isn’t one I’ve heard in a while, and it’s one I never thought I’d ever hear again. One I never wanted to hear again.
Turning to the side, I find the absolute last person I’d like to see tonight. “Connor? What are you doing here?”
All the possibilities rush through my mind. Did he move back? Is he here to apologize for all the heartache he put me through? Is he here to ask for forgiveness? Even if he is, would I? If he walks over here and wraps his arms around me, will I let him?
I choke down a sudden rush of bile at that thought. Even as drunk as I am, I know where my convictions lie.
He shuffles toward me, hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched. “It’s Brian’s birthday, so I flew out to celebrate.”
“Oh.”
“Hey, man. We’re going back in,” Connor’s friends say as they head toward the door.
He acknowledges them with a nod. “Cool. I’ll be there in a minute.” Turning back to me, his dark blue eyes soften under the patio lights. “Didn’t think I’d see you here tonight. It’s not your usual Thursday ladies’ night.”
“Well, things change.”
Connor’s head bobs with a despondent nod. “It’s good to see you, Brynn.”
“Connor, don’t,” I bite out before I can think about it.
His head jerks back, his shoulders suddenly tense. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t give me the ‘it’s good to see you’ pleasantries like we’re old friends who are going to get coffee later to catch up on life.”
“Well, aren’t we old friends?”
The noise that escapes me is a mixture of offense and disbelief, followed by a laugh. “No, we are not. You’re the guy who had my heart for two years before you ripped it out of my chest and stomped it into the pavement. So, don’t stand there and say it’s nice to see me.”
“Fuck, Brynn.” Connor takes a hand from his pocket and runs it over his short, dark-brown hair. “You’re a piece of work, you know that?”
I lift my chin, hesitantly letting go of the stool to stand up straight, and fold my arms. “Obviously, I was too much work for you.”
“Don’t start with that shit,” he groans. “You knew I was leaving. Hell, you even started researching jobs and grad schools in New York the day after I told you about my acceptance letter.”
“I wanted to know what my options were.”
“Two years in advance?” He throws his arms out to the side before slapping his outer thighs. “Come on, even you know that’s a little insane.”
I take a steadying breath, keeping my tone calm as I say, “What’s insane is you dumping me without warning.”
“Oh, please.” He rolls his eyes. “It’s not like me moving to New York came as a big surprise.”
“No, but you breaking up with me after two years because ‘long-distance doesn’t work’ was.” I make air quotes with my fingers as I use a stupid-sounding voice to mock him.
Connor narrows his eyes. “See, it’s shit like that snotty attitude of yours that told me we’d never work.”
I fight the quiver in my jaw as my thin hold on my resolve bends. “So, if you didn’t think we were going to last, why date me at all?”
He shrugs. “When we first started dating, it was fun. You were hot, smart, funny.” Connor takes a deep breath. “Things were going well, until I noticed how much of a control freak you were.”
His phrasing makes me clench my fists. “I am not?” I take a step forward, but the world spins again, and I stumble. Unfortunately, right into Connor.
“Whoa, careful.” He catches me by the forearm and guides me to sit on a stool. “Too many cranberry vodkas, huh?”
The fact that he even remembers what I like to drink infuriates me. He’s the one who abandoned me, he doesn’t get to be familiar with me anymore. I rip my arm from his grip. “I’m fine, thank you.”
Connor lets out a one-note chuckle as he licks his lips. “This is what I’m talking about. You always have to be the strong one. You can’t ever let go. It’s like you don’t need anyone. You certainly didn’t need me.” The last part comes out harsh and cold.
“Then why make it two years? Why not break things off sooner?” I ask through gritted teeth.
“Because I really liked you.”
He liked me? “So, you were lying every time you said ‘I love you’ to me?”
Hanging his head a moment, Connor meets my gaze again with a shrug. “Isn’t that what you say when someone says it to you?”
I didn’t think it was possible, but my heart breaks even more. Pieces of it chip off and the shards prick my veins. He didn’t mean any of it. Our entire relationship was a ruse. I wasted two years of my life on a guy who never intended to be my forever. My mouth opens and closes, but I can’t speak.
“Look, Brynn. I never meant to hurt you like that,” he says before letting out an exasperated sigh and lifting his gaze to the sky. “When I realized you weren’t ever going to change, though, I had to do something.”
“That’s not fair.” My voice shakes, showing my cracking confidence.
“No, what isn’t fair is how much I walked in your shadow. You always had to take the lead, and I always came in second.” He runs his tongue along his teeth like he’s debating what he’s going to say. “And it all sort of came together when we did that stupid Mud Down race.”
His words stab me right through the heart. “That was the tipping point?”
“You had me all hyped up about it, and I thought ‘hey, maybe this will be my chance to shine.’ I could finally show you that you didn’t always need to be number one. Then, when the day came, you proved how self-sufficient you were by scaling all the obstacles without me. You let me eat your dust.”
“We did all of them together,” I huff.
“Did we? Or did we do them adjacently?” Connor takes a step toward me. “Face it, Brynn. You are too independent to be with anyone seriously. I mean, what kind of guy would put up with that for the rest of his life?”
“Hey, there you are.”
I whip my head over to see Sam stepping through the patio door with a smile on his lips and two beers in his hands. The smile falls as he studies my face, and his gaze flicks to Connor. “I, uh, got you that beer you wanted. Sorry it took so long.” He walks to me, handing me a beer before turning to extend his hand to Connor. “Hey, man. I’m Sam.”
Connor clears his throat as he shakes Sam’s hand. “Hey. I’m Connor.”
“Nice to meet you.” Sam turns his gaze on me, concern lacing his features. “Everything okay?”
I nod. “Connor was…just leaving.”
With a quick sneer, Connor says, “Good luck, Brynn.”
I hear the music from inside suddenly swell before it fades to muffled thumps once again. When Connor is gone, my entire body goes slack, and I have to use Sam as a crutch.
“Shit, Brynn. Are you all right?” Sam holds me up, helping me to the railing.
My chest heaves as I focus on the ground in front of me, though I can’t see much through my watery eyes.
“Who was that guy?” Sam asks.
I shake my head. I can’t speak, let alone explain the cataclysmic blow I just took. “I… I need to get out of here.”
“Yeah, sure.” Sam takes the beer from my hand and sets it with his on a high-top table. He wraps an arm around my waist and directs me toward the door. “Let’s go.”
“But your beers.”
“Leave them.” Sam holds on to me as we navigate our way through the crowded bar. Once we get our coats and get outside, he leads me to his car, and I hear the locks click. He opens the passenger side door, but I hesitate, giving him a questioning look. He sighs. “I haven’t had anything to drink yet. Those beers I brought out to the patio were the first ones I ordered tonight. And they’re still full.”
I narrow my eyes, but give a playful smirk as I climb in the sedan. As the door shuts, I take a quick second to observe my surroundings. It’s clean. Cleaner than I’d expect for a college guy, anyway.
The way it smells, though, is the worst.
It smells like Sam. Lavender and sage saturate every inch of the interior. I couldn’t avoid thinking about him even if I tried. I breathe deep and close my eyes, allowing his scent to envelop me, but they pop back open as the driver’s side door shuts.
“Where to?” Sam asks, leaning onto the steering wheel. “Home?”
Staring straight through the windshield, I debate my answer. I need something to distract me from Connor. From the tantalizing aroma of Sam’s cologne wafting into my nostrils with every inhale, but if I go home, I’ll lay in bed and sulk.
I shake my head, both in answer to his question and to clear it.
“I can take you to my place.”
I whip my head up to look at him, half expecting to see his eyebrows bobbing. All I see, though, is a sympathetic crinkle in his forehead and concern lacing his eyes. It takes every ounce of self-restraint not to throw myself at him. I know he would do a damn good job of distracting me from Connor, and as drunk as I am, I’d let him. But I’m still pissed about this afternoon. The only reason I’m with him now is because when I needed a way to escape the bar, he was it.
My rumbling stomach gives me an idea. “I’m hungry. Can we go to the Double Clutch Grille, please?”
“Where’s that?”
“I’ll navigate. You drive.”