Chapter Twenty-Three #2
When I eventually climbed out of the shower, my skin red and pruney, I went through the motions of applying my skincare and treating my curls with leave-in conditioner before styling them with mousse and gel.
After applying a bit of makeup, I changed into leggings and my favorite cardigan.
As I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I recalled that Alex had once called it my “viejita” sweater before kissing me on the forehead.
And that was when my first tears fell.
I tried to be quiet. I knew Caitlin was sleeping down the hall, and I didn’t want to wake her, but now that my emotional dam had been toppled, I couldn’t hold back my sobs.
How had I misunderstood everything? All the months I tortured myself with my attraction to Alex; every time I thought of him in a way that stepped beyond simple friendship, I beat myself up for it.
And while I had embraced being with Alex in truth during the last week, guilt was a perpetual rain cloud over my head.
And it never needed to be. I just had to communicate with him.
For someone who despised the miscommunication trope in the romance novels I read, I fell headfirst into an absurd kind of irony.
The kind that cut and bruised—and worst of all, was self-inflicted.
My inability to open my goddamn mouth to ask Alex about Caitlin, or Caitlin about Alex, had robbed us of so much time together. Self-hatred choked me because I had no one to blame but myself.
I don’t know how long I sat on the floor, reliving moments I had gotten it all wrong.
Wondering why I believed Alex capable of cheating on his partner when he’d only ever shown respect to others.
In a world of toxic alphaholes, Alex had been a walking green flag.
But that hadn’t been enough for me to question what I thought I knew.
Because, once again, I couldn’t fathom a great guy choosing me over Caitlin.
At some point, my bedroom door cracked open, but I didn’t notice until a figure sank down on the rug next to me.
“You know, in all the years we’ve been friends, I’ve only ever seen you cry once.” Caitlin laid her head on my shoulder. “When we watched Steel Magnolias that weekend after graduation when we took that impromptu trip to San Diego.”
“Really?” I said, pawing at the tears on my cheeks.
Caitlin hummed. “I didn’t think you cried.”
“Of course I cry. I just do it in private.”
“Always so strong. Always so frank and forthright…unless it’s with yourself.” Caitlin laced her fingers with mine. “I’m fully convinced you could conquer the world, and yet I’ve watched you sell yourself short time and time again.”
“Wh—” I swallowed convulsively. “What do you mean?”
“What I mean, Sof, is that at some point you were convinced to settle for less than what you deserve. And I don’t understand why.
” Caitlin gripped my hand tighter. “You’re that girl.
Beautiful, smart as hell, so flipping funny.
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been jealous of how effortlessly you take disappointments or setbacks and turn them into gold. Like you did with TikTok.”
I pulled away from her with a gasp. “You know about my TikToks?”
Caitlin snorted. “Duh. One of your videos came across my FYP a few weeks ago. I thought I was seeing things when I saw your face, but everything about the video was so completely you. I’m guessing that’s why you haven’t been job hunting.”
“Yeah,” I admitted, dropping my head.
“As someone who makes her living on social media, allow me to say how fucking impressed I am by how quickly you’ve grown your account.” Caitlin leaned back, chuckling. “And you’ve done it with a well-defined brand and consistent, steady output. Are you receiving a lot of partnership offers?”
We spent several minutes discussing my analytics and then my filming schedule.
It was invigorating to discuss the nitty-gritty details of content creation with someone who knew the intricacies of the process, and for the first time, I wondered why it had taken me so long to tell Caitlin about the Matildas.
Of course my friend was the perfect person to share my experiences and insecurities about being an online personality with.
Overwhelmed with my own stupidity, it took several moments for me to brokenly say, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you with the Matildas. I’m sorry I didn’t just ask you if you and Alex were dating. I’ve made a mess of everything because I was afraid.”
God, I’d been afraid of so many things.
“Why were you afraid?”
A long sigh fluttered my lips. “I was afraid of failing in front of one of the most successful people I know. Afraid I wouldn’t measure up. I’ve always felt like your sidekick instead of the star of my own life.”
And there it was. So much of how I felt about my friendship with Caitlin could be summed up in that one sentence. It wasn’t kind, to either of us, but it felt like the most true statement I’d ever uttered.
“I don’t know what to say to that.” Caitlin studied our linked hands.
“I’ve never, not once, viewed you as my sidekick.
In fact, I’ve been envious of you. Of how authentically you move through the world.
Of how comfortable you’ve always seemed in your own skin.
How you’ve never been afraid to try something new.
I may have traveled all over the world, but you’ve always had wonderful things to come home to. ”
Fighting back tears, I covered my face with my palm. “I never knew you felt that way.”
Caitlin leaned into my side. “I think we should make an effort to speak more frequently. We’re both changing as we grow older and making our way through life, and we should grow together.”
I kissed the top of her head. “You’re so wise.”
She snickered. “I know.” Caitlin then expelled a long breath. “So, Alex.”
“Alex.” I said his name like a benediction. “I have another confession.”
“And I am all ears.”
Toying with the ring on her finger, I sucked in a breath and said, “Alex and I actually knew each other before our dinner that night.”
Caitlin sat up straight. “You did?”
I nodded and told her about our online friendship, our easy chemistry, and how I never planned to meet him in person.
“Wow, what are the odds that he would be the guy I brought to meet you?” Caitlin barked a laugh. “You must have been panicking when you saw him that night.”
“Especially when I thought he was your boyfriend.”
My friend’s answering snort was dry. “Alex has only ever had eyes for you. Walking back to his car that night after dinner, he couldn’t stop asking questions about you.”
“Oh God,” I groaned. “I really have ruined everything.”
“You didn’t ruin things, but you did hurt him.” Caitlin rubbed her thumb over my knuckles. “He’s in love with you, Sofia.”
“Do you really think so?” I whispered, afraid to hope.
Caitlin scoffed. “I know so. We’ve exchanged texts for months with the sole purpose of me helping him win you over.
But the thing is, Alex would have resigned himself to just being your friend.
He admires and respects you enough that he would have been happy being in your life however you were willing to allow him to be. ”
My vision went blurry with tears. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I learned long ago not to ask about your love life.” At my perplexed look, Caitlin shrugged. “You used to get so short, so defensive, whenever I did. So I stopped because I didn’t want to upset you.”
I did do that. I clamped my eyes closed. “I think after Kyle, I found it hard to talk to you about the guys I was dating.”
“Kyle was an asshole, and I’m still pissed at him for pulling that stupid shit with you.”
“He was an asshole,” I agreed, wondering at how the years had gone by while Caitlin and I allowed our friendship to become superficial. I regretted how I let my own hang-ups get in the way.
“I need to talk to Alex.” The words came uninvited, but they were true. “I don’t know where he went, and I’m afraid he won’t answer my calls or texts.”
“I know where he went.”
Every muscle in my body went still. “You do?”
Caitlin nodded. “He sent me a text saying he was going back to his apartment.”
“Did he say anything else?”
“No, I’m sorry.” Caitlin shook her head. “Can you ask Camila?”
“Good idea.” I immediately grabbed my phone, typing a short text to Alex’s sister.
Thankfully, she replied in seconds.
Camila: Yeah, he was here. Is everything okay? He looked really upset.
Exhaling, I wrote: I fucked up. Do you know where he went? I really need to speak with him.
Flashing bubbles appeared and disappeared several times, and I held my breath as I waited to see if Camila would tell me Alex’s location. I could understand if she said no, but oh, how I hoped she would.
Camila: Echo Canyon Trail. He said he needed to get outside and burn away some stress.
Sofia: Thank you. I appreciate you sharing, even though I’m sure you’re worried about your brother.
Camila: I am…but I suspect you are, too. So go make things right.
Slowly rising to my feet, I held out a hand to Caitlin and helped her stand. “Well, it looks like I’m going on a hike.”
“A hike? On New Year’s Day?” Caitlin wrinkled her nose. “Ugh. Better you than me.”
“Exactly.” I reached out to squeeze her arm.
Caitlin rolled her eyes before she shoved me toward my closet. “Alex was never my man, but I think he would love to be yours. Now, go get him.”