Chapter 31 It’s NowNever…
It’s Now or Never…
Ben
It’s getting late and the evening is winding down.
Henry’s fast asleep on my dad’s lap, his little head resting against his shoulder and his glasses on the table.
My dad’s got this smile on his face that kind of breaks my heart and warms it at the same time.
He loves his grandson more than anything but their time together is limited, so I know how much a moment like this means to him.
Someday soon—maybe next year, maybe later—Henry will be too big to fall asleep on his shoulder, and there’s something about the look on my dad’s face that tells me he’s trying to drink it all in so he won’t forget.
I should’ve taken Henry home an hour ago, but I can’t seem to bring myself to lift him out of my dad’s arms. Part of me is also sticking around in case I can get a moment alone with Vivian before I leave and she goes to her mom’s suite for the night.
Because the next time I see her will be at her wedding.
The thought fills me with a deep, unyielding dread.
I watch her as she stands over Frank’s shoulder at a nearby table.
They’re looking at a video he’s editing on his laptop, presumably of tonight’s festivities.
She looks highly competent as she points at the screen and says something to him, and it’s very clear to me that she runs the show.
She also looks gorgeous in an off-white pair of wide-legged dress pants and a matching silky tank top.
It’s all I can do to stop myself from walking over and wrapping my arms around her waist. I want to brush her hair off her neck and plant slow kisses along her skin until she makes that little sound of hers.
Obviously, I won’t do it. It’s not the time or the place.
In fact, that time is over for us, and I’m pretty sure we both know it.
She’ll be leaving with Dominic as soon as their night on the Island of Eden is over (which I’m trying not to think about), and when they do come back to visit, we’d be insane to go back to playing with fire.
She glances at me, and I can tell that something has been bothering her since she and Dominic disappeared down to the beach a while ago.
Dom walked her back, then immediately got a call and wandered away from the beach bar.
I have no idea what’s going on with him, but he certainly looked unusually serious.
“So, listen, here’s the thing,” Dominic says, scaring the shit out of me by sneaking up behind me.
I flinch, then turn to him. “Jesus. Don’t do that.”
“Sorry, Mr. Macho.” He’s very clearly not sorry.
He’s smirking. “Here’s the thing. Vivian’s in love with you and you’re in love with her—don’t insult me by trying to deny it because it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
Turns out, I’m in love with Seth, and he’s in love with me, so you and Vivian should get married, and I’ll marry him and still get what I want, only better because I’ll be married to someone who doesn’t give me the ick. ”
I open my mouth to say something, then slam it shut because I have no clue what to say.
“Yeah, I know. This is a lot for your straight-man brain to process, but you’re going to have to think fast because the door to whatever you’ve got with that gorgeous woman is already closing.”
“You just said she gives you the ick.”
“That doesn’t mean she’s not gorgeous.”
I roll my eyes at my brother, even though inside, my heart is doing a little happy dance. It shouldn’t be, but it is.
“You’re going to have to man-up and tell her the truth because she’s operating under the very false assumption that you’re not interested in anything long-term, even though you very clearly would marry her right now if the option presented itself.”
Shaking my head, I say, “That’s not… We barely know each other.”
He tsks, sighs, then says, “You do so, you big dummy. How many points did you score in that stupid game last night?”
I give him a slightly smug smile and tilt my head back and forth as if to say ‘a lot’ without actually saying it. “Okay, that’s true.”
“I’m glad you agree because I’m in no mood to have to argue.
Henry loves her, she would make an amazing, loving step-mom, and you three would live happily ever after.
So hurry up and talk to your future wife before you lose your chance forever.
And know that it’s going to take a lot of convincing because she’s going to be hated on the web for the rest of her life after this.
As will I. Although in my case, it doesn’t matter because I’ve only really been online for a few weeks.
Also, because I’m a man. For her, it’s her entire world.
Now, go!” he says, placing his hand on my back and pushing me in her general direction.
My feet start moving even before I’ve had a chance to think this through, because my heart appears to be giving the orders to my appendages right now, not my brain.
As I cross the wooden-plank floor to her, thoughts of the life we could have together flash through my mind, and I realize that I know what I want, deep in my bones.
I know that she’s the one. And Dominic is right.
It’s long past time for me to stop pretending she isn’t.
When I get to her, I hear her saying, “Okay, that’s a go.
Post it and we’re both done for the night. ”
“Thank God,” Frank answers.
“Vivian, can I talk to you for a minute?” I ask, my body going numb with fear.
She turns to me, her expression unreadable. “Of course.”
I glance at Frank, who is staring up at us with great curiosity. “Can we … walk a bit?”
“You’re not the first James brother to ask me to go for a walk tonight,” she says, turning toward the wide paved path that leads back to the hotel buildings.
“Right, yeah,” I say with an awkward chuckle as I fall into step with her. “So, um, I let Henry stand up on his surfboard today.”
“You did?” she asks, stopping in her tracks and grinning. “I can’t believe it! I thought you were going to make him wait until he had lots of muscles.” She pulls a face, imitating him when he flexes and tries to look strong.
Yup. I love her. “I sort of got talked into it, but it went really well, and I just thought you should know that.” I give her a meaningful look and I can see she understands what I’m trying to say.
Her voice is filled with emotion as she says, “That’s wonderful.”
Nodding, I feel an odd combination of hope and nausea. “It is. It was. He was so excited, and it went better than I could’ve imagined.”
“That’s because your ability to imagine awful things far exceeds your ability to imagine good ones.”
I run a hand through my hair. “That is true, but I’m trying to get out of that habit because I’m not sure it serves me that well.”
“Agreed.”
We stare at each other for a second, and it suddenly feels like a game of emotional chicken. Who will come closer to admitting the truth first? Fuck it. Might as well be me. “Dom told me about Seth.”
She nods. “Same. That’s some big news.”
“It is, yeah,” I answer. “And I’m happy for him. I mean, I want to meet this Seth guy and make sure he’s not some total dickhead, but if he’s not, I’ll be very happy for him … because love is important. And lots of people in the world seem quite happy being married.”
“Sure, like your parents,” she offers.
“Exactly. Really, there are so many couples that work out on the planet. Like, um … Bono … and Bono’s wife.”
“They’ve been together forever.”
“Longer, even.” God, I am dying here. Literally dying. “The thing is, if you … I am … I have never felt … you are wonderful with Henry, and he adores you.”
“I adore him too. He’s an incredible little human.”
I smile, knowing she means it. “So, as I was saying, I think we could…” Come on, dude, pull it together. I stare down at her, knowing I am about to ask her to give up everything. “It would be wildly unfair of me to ask you to give up your whole career and your life for me. That would be too much.”
A flash of disappointment crosses her face, but she recovers at lightning speed. “It’s a lot.”
“I’m not making any sense. I’m sorry,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck.
“I mean, let’s get one thing straight. I am fully aware that you are not the Little Mermaid.
And I’d never want to turn you into her, because I agree with what you said about her having such a great life under the sea.
I watched the movie last night when I couldn’t sleep.
Her dad’s pretty overbearing, but to be fair, she was taking some seriously unnecessary risks.
” I pause and shake my head. “Oh fuck, forget I said any of that. The thing is, every relationship needs a yes person and a no person. You and Dominic are both yes people, which is just inviting disaster. If you two go through with this, you’re going to end up with, like, eight puppies in your apartment, all with matching diamond dildo collars from Tiffany’s. ”
“That sounds like it could be a mistake.”
“It really would be,” I answer with a big nod. “Huge. Whereas if I met a no person, I’d have a miserable life and would never try anything cool again ever.”
She grins a little, but also looks like she might start to cry, so I keep going, hoping that the smile will win out. “But you’re a yes and I’m a no, so that’s … the best combination, according to my mum, anyway.”
“And she and your dad are pretty happy.”
“They are. And I think we would be too, so long as neither of us are too stuck in our ways. Which I might be, but I’m working on it.”
“You did let Henry go surfing,” she says.
“I did,” I answer, giving her a big smile.
“Anyway, I also don’t think you’re too stuck in your ways either and I can see a whole life for us, which is something that has never happened to me before.
And Henry loves you. He very clearly bonded to you before you even walked into the house, and the thing is, I knew before I saw you too.
Just hearing your voice, and the sound of your laugh, it did something to me. ”
She blinks quickly. “It did?”
Nodding, I feel emotion rising from my chest. “It did. And I think we could have a pretty great life together, if you wanted to. In my imagination, it involves woodworking together and maybe more kids and hanging out on the beach and watching movies together and eating steak tacos and sprinkling chocolate chips on our popcorn.”
She swallows hard. “That does sound like a pretty great life.”
Grinning at her, I say, “Will you look at that? I am capable of using my imagination for good.”
She smiles and my heart fills with joy.
“The point is, if there was some way that we could be together—like, really be together—without you losing it all and becoming an internet pariah, I would be very open to that. In a permanent sort of way.”
Her eyes glisten and it’s all I can do not to wrap her up in my arms and kiss her. But now isn’t the time for kissing. Not out here in public on the eve of her wedding. She opens her mouth, then closes it. Then looks up at me with desperation. “Shit,” she whispers. “Why didn’t I meet you first?”
My heart feels like it might break, but I try to look casual. “I don’t know, but if you had, I’m pretty sure we both would’ve been too stupid to realize what we could have.”
She nods. “That’s because we’re both idiots.”
“That we are. Kind of makes us perfect for each other.”
A piercing whistling sound interrupts us, and we both turn to see my mother with her thumb and forefinger in her mouth. “Ben, we have to go. Your dad’s falling asleep and I’m worried he’ll drop Henry.”
“Okay, I’ll be right there,” I answer with a little nod. Turning back to Vivian, I say, “Listen, I will be there tomorrow, however you need me. I’ll walk you down the aisle and give you away if you—”
She holds up one hand. “Nope. Not necessary.”
“Bad idea. Agreed. I don’t think I could do it anyway.
But if you and my brother go through with this, I will stand by his side with the best fake smile at any fake wedding ever.
And I will let you go get on with your big, brilliant life.
” I let out a sigh. “I will hate every minute of it. But I will do it. Because it’s not my decision to make. It’s not my career.”
“Ben, I…”
“Listen, you don’t have to decide this right now. You have lots of time to think it over.”
“The wedding is tomorrow.”
“Yup. But if anyone can figure it out in the next eighteen hours, it’s you. Because you, Vivian Katherine Whitlock, can make anything work.”
Her eyes fill up with tears and her face crumples into what I’ve heard women refer to as the ‘ugly cry,’ only on her, it’s not ugly at all.
“Ben!” my mum calls.
“You have to go.”
“I do,” I answer. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She nods. “Yes, you will.”
I turn on my heel, then hurry back toward the beach bar, mentally slapping myself for being such an incoherent buffoon. “Dammit,” I mutter. I’m pretty sure I just messed that up completely and that door Dominic was talking about is about to close forever.