Chapter 45 Long Days Ahead
Long Days Ahead
Fuck this. Fuck simple tasks. Fuck the damn nurse who won’t leave me alone.
It felt like forever being weaned off the TPN, but I finally got to the point of being off completely.
It also meant a lackluster diet temporarily.
The IVs were out, along with the catheters and I could start using the bathroom on my own.
Been no issues with my bowels or whatever yet, except me wanting to throttle the nurses.
Tonight, was no exception as I my body recoils from the nurse, refusing to get out of the wheelchair and onto the toilet.
I was supposed to use the bathroom, and then try taking a shower.
But at the rate I’m going, that’s not happening.
Especially with Nurse Ratchet not giving me space to use said toilet in peace.
There’re safety rails now, meant to help me. I can admit I’m still pretty weak in the strength department, even to pull my own pants down. I knew I still needed help, but a stubbornness rose as panic surged when she suggested tugging my shorts off for me.
I remain in the wheelchair, unmoving as she crosses her arms.
“You’re a fall risk, I need to help you,” she argues, and then flicks her blonde hair over her shoulder. Something about that movement agitates me more. She’s a newer nurse after the third one quit. Apparently, I’m an intolerable patient. “You let Natalie help you.”
Anger, frustration, along with a semblance of shame build. I’ve been cleaned and taken care of for a few weeks, but I felt sick and didn’t want her to touch me. Repulsion hits me again as she reaches once more.
I flinch back. “Don’t…touch me.”
“You’re being unreasonable, Mrs. Luciano.”
“Leave Bridget, get my husband.”
“He isn’t qualified—”
“This isn’t a fucking hospital; this is my home.” I spit out, barely recognizing the venom in my voice. I start to tremble, stomach clenching with bladder hurting as the need to use the toilet rises. Panic starts to form, making my chest hurt. “So, yes he is.”
“You’d rather shit in front of him, than a nurse?”
Am I allowed to kill my nurse?
I close my eyes, jaw clenched as a roaring happens in my head. “Get my husband.”
“Seriously, you’re paying me—"
“Go, Bridget.”
“You’re being unreasonable. This is my job, not his. I know what I’m doing.”
“Go get empathy lessons,” I snap.
She scoffs and suddenly there’re hands on me. “You’re acting like a damn child—"
The moment she touches me, trying to yank me up, my body locks up. I wince as pain spreads through me, legs giving out as I fight her off and the chair rolls back. Fear strikes me, remembering someone else grabbing me. Yanking at me. Falling.
A terrified shriek tears from my throat, “Leo!”
Suddenly, she lets go, swearing under her breath as I crumble to the ground.
I land on the tile, pain spreading through me.
And then my bladder releases, unable to stop it as I piss myself on the floor.
My mind tears back to the interrogation room, and I dig my fingers into the smooth floor.
Tears threaten to come, building with shame and disgust.
There’s heavy footsteps and the door slams open, making me flinch.
“Get out,” Leo states, coming towards me.
“Mr. Luciano—”
“Alba, get her the fuck out before I make her.” Bridget shrinks at Leo’s menacing voice. I press my face into the ground as he approaches. Muttering and swearing occurs before the door closes.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper through tears.
“Sweetheart, are you hurt?” His hands stroke over my head as I shake it. “I’m going to move you.”
“I’m covered in my own piss, I don’t want—”
Leo pulls me up, carefully sitting on the floor to bring me into his lap. My hands shake, burying my face into his chest.
“I didn’t want her to touch me,” I rasp, skin crawling as I feel the wetness along my legs, soaking through my shorts and now his pants. “I couldn’t…I’m sorry…I’m a shitty patient.”
“No, you’re not. She should’ve listened to you,” he murmurs.
“Explain the other fired nurses,” I say with a hiccup as his hand strokes my back. “I’m awful to work with.”
“You’re not with me.”
“Because you’re Leo.” I cover my face with my hands, wincing at the aches in my hip. My stomach hurts, and I know I’m not done needing the bathroom. Except, I may not care if I soil myself further.
“Sweetheart, I’m going to help you clean up, alright?”
“I need…the toilet…I…fuck.” My voice shakes. “But I don’t…don’t…”
His voice becomes firm and gentle. “I’m going to help you up onto the toilet, while you go, I’ll take care of the floor. And then I’ll help you clean up.”
“You’re not a…a…Daddy Dom,” I say almost too quietly, folding more into myself.
Leo tenderly takes my chin. “Look at me, dear Watson.” I do as he wipes tears way.
“Good girl.” A whimper comes out of me, heart clenching.
“No, I’m not, but I have been your caretaker many times.
A role I pride myself in with you. If that means helping you with this, then I gladly will.
” My chin quivers, staring up at him as more tears form.
“Just bodily functions. I’ve already put plugs in you, not much different and I won’t put you in a diaper. Promise.”
I snort, feeling a semblance of humor.
“There she is,” he whispers, kissing my temple. “Are you okay if I help remove your clothes?”
I nod, and he gives one last stroke over my back.
“Let’s get up then.” Leo moves, crouching behind me to help me stand, but my legs give out. He easily keeps me up, positioning me before the toilet. “Turn around. Arms around my neck.”
I do as he says, holding on as he removes my shorts and underwear. He then gently sits me down on the seat. My ruined clothes are tossed into the hamper, and then he grabs a towel to soak up…well, my puddle.
Embarrassment floods me suddenly, and I cover my face with my hands to hide another sob. Never mind, put me back into the bed with the catheter.
“Hey.” He pulls my hands down, crouching before me. “Nothing to be ashamed of. You fell and needed to go. Your body is still adjusting and healing, Autumn.”
My throat hurts as I nod.
“Take as long as you need. If you need me, say your safeword.” I nod again, the only response I seem to be able to give. He kisses my temple, before stepping away.
I close my eyes, concentrating on the need to go and not that Leo is in the room with me.
Some relief does come as he diligently washes the floor.
I still haven’t gone, gripping the rails in hopes of doing so before this century ends.
I hear him finish, and I grimace at the fact I still haven’t gone, but know I need to.
Quietly, Leo stands beside me, moving his hand over my shoulders and down my back. A shiver runs along my spine, limbs still shaking.
“You’re safe, Tesoro,” he says.
Finally, I go.
A flash of embarrassment comes back, feeling myself redden, but it’s quickly gone as Leo strokes my head.
It feels like forever I’m on the damn toilet, not wanting to see this next part as I shut my eyes harshly.
Leo’s patient, helping me clean myself and flushing the toilet.
He’s diligent in cleaning our hands next, before stripping my shirt off and getting me into the shower to sit me on the newly installed seat.
“I’m going to undress, and then we’ll take a shower together. Do you need a towel to sit on?” I shake my head, bringing my arms around me. He steps over to turn on one of the showerheads, warm steam filling the space. “Give me a minute.”
He steps out, pulling his shirt and pants off to toss into the hamper next.
As he gets undressed, I realize this is the first time I’ve seen him completely naked since London.
There are cuts everywhere, new scars and some of his tattoos have become disjointed.
He’s lost weight, not as muscular as before.
He removes the arm bandages, revealing where his skin practically was ripped off around his wrists. More scarring up his forearms.
Most of it seemed healed. Why was he—?
He didn’t want to be touched.
My eyes fill with new tears, realization of how badly he’d been tortured, not just from the physical. A gnawing hurt engulfs me. I hold myself tighter.
“Autumn.” I look up at his face as he walks over, coming into the shower to crouch before me. “I’m alright.”
“He hurt you,” I whisper.
“You stopped him. Made sure he never will again.”
My chin quivers, nodding slightly.
He cups my face, tenderly stroking his thumb over my skin.
Standing up, he closes the glass door, turning on the other shower head above.
He uses the detachable head to rinse me off and then him.
Leo’s careful and thoughtful on how he helps wash me and then himself.
I start to relax as the smell of piss leaves, replaced by soap and cleanliness.
I still want to break down.
Leo puts my arms around his neck, moving me up to wash and rinse my back.
“Breathe sweetheart, you’re safe,” he murmurs. “Today’s just a hard day. I’ve got you.”
His voice is soothing as I lean into his touch.
We finally finish, and he sets me down, and then turns off the water. He quickly wraps a towel around his waist, and then grabs another to wrap me in. I focus on the care he’s giving me, clinging to knowing that he covets this. To not spiral into feeling like a burden or more broken.
It’s barely been weeks. I’ve got months to go. Fuck, probably longer. I can’t give in now.
Except, that’s all I wanted to do.
Leo picks me up, carrying me out to the bedroom.
He places me on the bed, and I press my fingers into the covers, longingly looking at it.
My mind drifts as Leo brings the wheelchair out.
He then, walks over to grab a set of pajamas for me.
He has me raise my arms, putting the shirt on me and then helps me into the shorts.
Lastly, he slides a pair of fuzzy socks onto my feet.
“I need to finish cleaning the bathroom, and then get dressed,” he says, stroking my damp hair back. “You look exhausted, so I’m going to lay you down until I’m back.”
I nod my head.
Leo easily helps me lay upon the once familiar bed.
I breath deep, appreciating the softness.
My “hospital” bed was comfortable, but it wasn’t this.
It wasn’t Leo’s and my bed, even though he’s spent numerous nights next to me.
My fingers press into the blankets, wondering the last time he slept in here.
It smelled clean, but I wouldn’t put it past Alba to regularly wash everything, slept in or not.
A melancholy fills me, wishing to sleep in here, yet there was also a fear. We haven’t slept in here since before Rome. Would it feel the same? Nothing did. It was all different. My thoughts tumble as I stare up at the ceiling, emotions muddled.
Leo returns dressed for sleep, giving me a soft look. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired. Really don’t want to…go back to the room suddenly. I know I have to.”
Gently, Leo helps me sit up, crouching before me again. “No, you don’t.”
“Leo.”
“You’re off the IVs, monitors, and catheters. Basically, in the rehab part, so there’s no reason for you to stay in there if you don’t want to. Bathroom is closer here, too.”
I swallow hard, dread nagging at me as I whisper, “I’m not sure if I’m…ready to be in…here yet.”
His hands roam over my thighs, trying to comfort me as a tear falls down my face. He reaches up, catching it.
“Then I know where we can sleep tonight.” Leo stands, picking me up again. My chest pinches a little, but I ignore it as he walks us of the bedroom.
My breath hitches as he steps in front of the playroom door, opening it.
The lights flicker on, stars in the ceiling.
Leo carries me over to the bed, laying me down.
Everything smells of light lavender and touch of vanilla.
He goes to the drawers, pulling out the velvet blanket to drape over me, and then props me up on some pillows.
“Stay right here.” He kisses my forehead.
He walks out of the room, and I hear muffled voices. Not long after, he returns rolling the wheelchair in, and sets it next to my side of the bed. The door is shut, and he gets into the bed with me, pulling the covers back to slip us both under them.
“The bathroom is closer, and there’s safety rails on the toilet in here. But wake me up if you need to go,” he instructs gently, settling me against him.
“When were you in here last?” I ask.
“Three days ago. To clean and set up for you.” He kisses my forehead. “I didn’t have the heart to walk in here while you were…not here.”
I tilt my head to look at him fully. Calm hazel eyes meet mine, a peacefulness that hasn’t been there since I woke up. Those tears begin to return, refusing to be ignored. They fall as Leo hugs me gently against him.
It sinks in. What we endured and how long we’d been separated from home. From everyone. From even each other. The amount of change, and how much more will come. The suffering. The loss.
My breath shakes as I gaze up at the ceiling. It feels like forever since we’ve been in here.
The one place that hadn’t been touched by all the carnage. The destruction and betrayal. The hurt and torment. It remained untarnished, remaining as our true safe haven. Our real home.
Leo strokes my head as the tears finally dry. We settle further under the blankets. I concentrate on every long breath of his, soft and comforting. I turn my head to look at him, finding his gaze in the dimness. Leo caresses the side of my face, tender and loving.
“I don’t want another nurse,” I whisper. “But that means more work for you.”
Leo shakes his head, pressing his face against my hair as he speaks softly.
“I’d rather take care of you, knowing how to better than anyone else.
You have always been mine to care for, especially now.
” He inhales unsteadily. “I couldn’t…when you were asleep.
I couldn’t do anything…” he clears his throat, swallowing hard, “…you’re not a burden, never will be…
I want and need to take care of you. As long as you’re comfortable with me. ”
He kisses my temple, lips lingering there as my chest constricts.
“I only trust you…” my voice fainter, almost sounding scared, “…only you listen.”
“Then I will happily take care of you.” Leo leans back enough to cup my face, meeting my gaze once more. “My Tesoro. My wife. My dear Watson.”
I nod, burying my face against his chest. We hold each other close in the quiet, violet room. Just two people hoping to find peace again in the aftermath.