Chapter 31 Jade
Jade
On the bench outside the salon, Jade blinked at Elizabeth.
There was no way Jade had heard Elizabeth right.
Did she really just utter those words? ‘I miss you and should have never let you go.’ She just lobbed those out into the universe without a care in the word, like those words didn’t have the power to shatter everything that Jade had worked for the last two years.
Elizabeth wants me back. Two years ago, Jade had begged to hear these words. When she slept on the couch, when she packed her belongings, after she moved, she ached to hear her wife say any variation of this. ‘What do you expect me to do with that information?’
Elizabeth pulled the corner of her lip between her teeth.
‘When I look back at my life, you were the constant. The rock. And I think it’s taken me until now, and having Amber, and seeing what really matters in this world, to know I should have never let you go.
I don’t want to do this without you. Listen to me, though.
I can do this without you. I’m perfectly capable.
But I don’t want to and that’s the difference. ’
Jade snapped her jean fabric against her leg.
She wished she could take in Elizabeth’s words and feel flattered, or happy, or healed.
Instead, she felt nothing. And Jade’s lack of emotional response told her everything she needed to know.
‘I guess I appreciate that?’ Those weren’t the right words.
She didn’t even know if she appreciated the declaration, or if this would mess with her mind later tonight when she’d recovered from the shock.
‘But my life is here now. I’m happy in my new world.
I have a successful business, and new friends, and an amazing girlfriend. ’
‘I heard.’
When I lifted a brow, Elizabeth added, ‘I ran into your sister a while ago. She told me.’ Elizabeth locked her gaze with mine. ‘Pregnant, huh?’
The words dropped like a block, and a flash of white heat shot through Jade’s veins.
She wanted to yell that the baby wasn’t hers, they weren’t raising it, and it was a totally different situation than what had happened in their marriage.
But Elizabeth had not earned the right to know anything about Jade and Lucy’s relationship.
‘You are not trying to make me feel guilty.’
‘No one can make you feel guilty.’ Elizabeth plunked the dropped pacifier back into the baby’s mouth. ‘Your feelings are your own and I’m not responsible for your emotional response to my words.’
In an instant, Jade was back in her marriage.
The two years she spent deprogramming from their relationship ickiness was undone.
A smattering of pedestrians walking around them, and the occasional car honk, did little to stop her from sinking into the swirling memories – eating dinner alone, ignored calls, failed resolutions because Elizabeth didn’t have time to discuss their problems. ‘You never needed me.’
Elizabeth stopped bouncing her knee and her mouth twisted. ‘What?’
Trying to offset the rising sickness, Jade filled her lungs. ‘Our whole marriage, I was nothing more than a prop, someone in the background to elevate you, someone you could tell your dreams to. You never needed me.’
A stillness filled the air. Several moments passed. Elizabeth’s slightly open mouth twitched, but no words came out. ‘Well,’ Elizabeth finally said. ‘I need you now.’
Like a bolt had just struck her in the chest, Jade hopped off the bench and paced.
Such simple words tossed at her so easily.
God, the tears she shed, begging to hear these words.
Begging to hear a fraction of these words.
The nights she sobbed into her pillow, the days she couldn’t get out of bed …
Jade should either say ‘thanks for sharing’ or ‘too late now’ or ‘fuck off’ but none seemed like the appropriate response.
Black spots invaded her peripheral vision, and Jade’s stomach turned queasy.
She eased herself back to sitting and inhaled several shaky breaths to fight off the nausea.
‘It may not sound like it,’ Elizabeth said, ‘but I really respect that you have a girlfriend and am not trying to be that other person. But, you know me. I know you. We were together for over a decade. We saw the worst in each other, but we also saw the best.’ Her fingers played with the baby’s feet.
‘If you gave me a second chance, so many things would change. Amber showed me what love and family is all about, and I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t grasp that when we were together.
I have spent so many months replaying things over and over in my head, and I know exactly what I did wrong.
I promise you that I can be the wife you need.
I know the love between us isn’t lost forever.
It’s simply … buried right now. But with a little bit of time, and me proving myself to you, I know we can uncover it. Together.’
Nope. No, no, no. Jade needed to put a fat, hot stop to this conversation immediately.
Everything about this felt disloyal to Lucy.
Sure, it might be cathartic for Elizabeth to get this off her chest, lighten her internal load, the verbal equivalent of chopping off waist-long hair to a pixie.
But Elizabeth had a kid and was being more vulnerable than she’d ever been during their entire marriage, and Jade wanted nothing to do with it.
‘I took a step down from my position at the company, threw out my five-, ten-, and twenty-year plans.’ Elizabeth shifted and held the carrier with both hands.
‘I work fewer hours. I’m no longer tied to climbing the corporate ladder.
My values have changed completely. I never prioritised you, I see that now, but now you’d have top priority, alongside Amber. ’
The pleading look in Elizabeth’s eyes tore into Jade, and she snapped her gaze away.
She kicked a small rock into the street and tried to take a few moments to gather her thoughts.
Now was not the time to reiterate that Jade had zero interest in being a parent, that even if she were single, the baby was an absolute, hard no.
Jade flicked her tongue against the sticky roof of her mouth and cursed herself for not bringing a water bottle.
‘You never saw me.’ Jade’s voice was a hoarse whisper.
Elizabeth’s head titled like she didn’t hear her. ‘I don’t understand.’
Jade hated the way her insides felt like they were splitting. This is all too much, too vulnerable, too late, and yet Jade needed to purge this from her system. ‘You never saw me. I was a mirror. A reflection. I was there to amplify you and your accomplishments. You never saw me for me.’
Elizabeth’s facial expression didn’t move.
And then, suddenly, it cracked. The baby fussed and she rose, shifting her weight between her hips.
‘That’s not true.’ Her tone was dense but not sharp.
‘You never let yourself be seen. I asked you countless times about work, life, dreams, and you’d just shrug and say “fine”.
You were always so worried about not being needy that you …
I don’t know … over-corrected. You refused to let me in. You refused to let anyone in.’
Oh, no, no, no.
This couldn’t be true. Could it? Jade shook her head, her thoughts swirling and colliding. No, Elizabeth was the one who didn’t give her time and attention. Elizabeth was the one who pushed her dreams onto Jade. Elizabeth was the one who was the star, and Jade the bystander. Right?
Fuzzy memories emerged. Elizabeth asking her about cosmetology school, filling out financial aid papers together, baking a truly terrible chocolate cake when Jade graduated.
For every missed anniversary, there was a surprise birthday party.
For every quiet dinner conversation, there were thoughtful random gifts, like that vinyl Nirvana record Elizabeth found during a work conference in Portland.
Shit. This was too much. Jade was outside, but somehow she needed more air.
She hopped off the bench. Her watch beeped, indicating she needed to return to the salon.
But her head was heavy and clouded and she needed to sit somewhere that didn’t smell like baby powder and Elizabeth’s signature Chanel N°5.
And then, the smallest string threaded its way up Jade’s chest and stitched her heart. It took several moments, but everything Jade had been holding in for so long felt like it was set free. Elizabeth’s words had unlocked something buried and indescribable.
‘I have to go back to the salon,’ Jade said.
Elizabeth nodded and remained silent but slung the diaper bag over her shoulder.
A few steps in, Jade stopped, turned around, and put her hand on Elizabeth’s arm.
‘I’m sorry this might not have turned out the way you wanted.
But for whatever it’s worth, I think this was something I needed.
’ She dropped her hand. ‘I’m really happy you have your baby.
I meant what I said in my support letter last year, and I can see it here – you’re a fantastic mom. The kid’s lucky to have you.’
Tears filled Elizabeth’s eyes, and she swiped a lone trickle with her thumb. ‘Take care of yourself, Jade. You deserve all the happiness in the world.’
Elizabeth pivoted and marched away, and Jade stood on the sidewalk biting back tears.