Chapter 32 Lucy
Lucy
The beep beep of a car locking sounded, and soon footsteps were outside her front door. Lucy’s chest tightened, and she tried to breathe through the tension. After her gut-wrenching last hour with her dad, she wasn’t sure how many more emotional conversations she could handle in one day.
‘It’s open!’ Lucy readjusted herself on the couch and stayed sitting. Getting up and down these last few weeks was no joke. She didn’t know how she would handle two more months of near-immobility.
Jade stepped into the entryway, swiping a chunk of bangs away from her face. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’ Lucy tried to read her expression, to brace herself for whatever Jade wanted to say for their talk. Lucy may be relationship-inexperienced, but when anyone – a boss, a co-worker, a friend – said ‘We need to talk’, it was never good.
Sadly, Jade’s face showed nothing except a tired half smile. She toed off her shoes on the mat and inched across the room. Without a word, she curled onto the couch next to Lucy and laid her head on her chest.
Lucy dangled her fingers in Jade’s hair, and she kissed the top of her head.
The ticking of the analogue clock and Chucky’s snoring were the only sounds.
For every inhale, Lucy’s insides softened.
They were going to be okay. This wasn’t the end, and whatever was happening, they’d figure it out together.
‘Elizabeth stopped by today.’ Jade spoke into Lucy’s belly, making no motion to look Lucy in the eye.
Um … come again? Her freaking ex, who lived in a whole other state, just randomly popped by Jade’s place of business? Was she needing some fresh highlights or something? Be cool, be cool. For the ex to stop by, it obviously was something huge.
Jade rarely opened up about her ex. The most she’d ever spoken about the woman was the night Lucy and Jade confirmed they were together, when they bared their souls and secrets. ‘Wow. Okay.’ Say something comforting and kind, not something weird and jealous. ‘What did she want?’
Fail.
Jade draped her arm across Lucy’s lap. ‘It’s a long story, but ultimately she wanted to show off her new baby and see if she and I still had a chance.’
The tightness in Lucy’s chest came fast and fierce, and her breath seized.
Oh my God … what? The ex wanted to get back together with Jade?
Obviously, because Jade was incredible, but actually get back together?
Heat filled Lucy’s chest. Okay, okay. Think.
Yes, she and Jade needed to talk and figure stuff out because they’d been so hugely, grossly misaligned lately, but Jade wouldn’t be sitting here, snuggling against her, feeling all warm and cosy if she was going to get back together with Elizabeth, right?
‘Huh.’ Lucy chewed on her lower lip. ‘So, um, what did you say?’
Jade sprung up from her lounging position and rested her gaze on Lucy. ‘What do you think I said?’ Jade looked almost hurt, which Lucy hated to admit was the most beautiful look she could’ve asked for at this moment. ‘I told her that I was with you, and she and I would never get back together.’
The air returned to Lucy’s lungs, and for the second time today, tears sprang to the surface. ‘You did?’
‘What else do you think I would have said?’
So many things. They were not on the same page lately, and it was obvious.
Maybe Jade regretted leaving her old life.
Lucy was a totally distracted, semi-hot mess of a girlfriend, and they had way less history than a decade-long marriage.
‘Honestly, I don’t know.’ She needed to spit out what was lingering in the air, but talking like this was so miserable that she wanted to run and hide in the coat closet.
But whatever was happening between the two of them, it needed to get out.
‘I, uh, I think there’s something going on with us, and I’m not sure what it is.
But I’m really sorry for whatever I’ve done. ’
Jade gripped Lucy’s hands in hers and sighed.
‘No, shit, Lucy. It was me. I just … this’ – Jade waved between their chests – ‘this funkiness was all me. I kept thinking it wasn’t me, though.
Honestly, I blamed it on you, the baby, the hormones, the fanfare around the surrogacy, literally anything that removed the responsibility from me.
I hate that it took talking to Elizabeth to see what I’ve been doing. ’
I’m so confused. ‘What do you mean, what you’ve been doing?’
A choppy exhale left Jade’s lips, and she pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘Do you remember me talking a while ago about how when I was married, I felt invisible? Like I was just along for the ride with Liz, but she was the star, and everyone was focused on her?’
Oh, no. Lucy already saw where this was going.
And how in God’s name was she so obtuse that she hadn’t put two and two together?
The bigger Lucy got, the more attention she received, the more she talked to other people, the more she ignored Jade.
Lucy put her hand against her mouth. How did she do this?
How did she take the one thing that Jade mentioned was such a sensitive spot on her psyche and do the exact same damn thing to her?
But also, why didn’t Jade say something?
My God. She’d been holding on to this for so long.
Actually, nope. Lucy wasn’t doing this. Although communication was obviously good, Lucy should have been more in-tune with Jade and her needs and not make her draw Lucy a map. ‘Oh God … Jesus, Jade. I’m so sorry. I did what Elizabeth did to you, didn’t I?’
‘No, don’t say that. This is not on you, at all.
’ Jade shifted on the couch and rubbed Lucy’s shirt fabric between her fingers.
‘Even though seeing my ex was not exactly the highlight of my year, she brought me so much clarity. I’ve been unfair to you, expecting you to be a mind reader.
Honestly, I’ve been unfair to myself, too.
I never speak up the way I should. I never let you know what I need, what I want. ’
The house was four million degrees and Lucy needed water, a fan, and a shower. Her fingers trembled. ‘What is it you want?’
‘You, Lucy. I want you.’ Jade’s throat rolled with a heavy swallow. ‘I love you.’
‘You do?’ The words came out choked, terrified somehow, like Lucy was sure she misheard Jade’s declaration, like she might take them back and leave.
But seeing the sincerity in Jade’s eyes, the way she nodded and kissed Lucy’s hand, feeling those words tingle all the way to her toes, Lucy knew it was true.
Jade loves me. Oh, the words felt so good.
Lucy had always wanted to know what it would feel like to hear those words, if it was the way the movies showed, if the stars really burst in the sky, if the sappy music queued.
And now she knew. It was better. They felt like a warm, plush, rose-scented blanket wrapped tightly around her, holding her snug.
Lucy grabbed Jade’s cheeks, contorting her belly in the most uncomfortable but necessary way to kiss her mouth, to cement this moment.
For so many years, Lucy was unsure of a lot of things.
If she was a good enough daughter for her father.
If she’d make a good oven for Drew and Mason’s kid.
If she’d succeed at her job, and ever make a real connection outside of Drew, if she’d be happy, truly happy.
But what she was no longer unsure of? Jade.
Jade loves me. Lucy wanted to hear the words again.
And again, and again, and again. ‘I love you, too.’
Ah, the release. This was what love felt like.
This was what Drew talked about when he raced to Lucy’s house as a freshman after the first time he and Mason kissed.
This was how her dad felt about her mom, how Lucy finally, finally understood how hard it was to talk about her because of the pain he felt that she was gone.
The words, the feelings had been there for a while, but saying them out loud was so freeing, so rejuvenating, so freaking beautiful.
And right here and now, Lucy vowed to tell Jade this over and over again, because if she thought hearing the words felt good, it didn’t even compare to how it felt to say the words.
For the next two hours, Lucy and Jade talked.
They talked so much that Jade refilled their water glasses twice and Lucy was still parched.
Jade dived into what it felt like during her marriage, how she didn’t realise the lingering effects dampened her relationship, how she had been holding back, probably trying to protect herself, trying to avoid what she felt with Elizabeth.
But by not opening up, Jade was a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Over pizza, Lucy told Jade the stories about her mom.
Lucy admitted she wasn’t sure if her previous inability to connect to someone romantically was because of who she was, or if it might be extended trauma from losing her mom so young.
Lucy laughed about the pineapple, had a debate about Days of Our Lives versus General Hospital, and snuggled into Jade’s arms when she got weepy again.
As they slipped into bed, Jade nuzzled into Lucy’s backside and laid her hand on Lucy’s belly. Before Lucy fell asleep, Jade whispered it one more time.
‘I love you.’
And for the first time in her adult life, Lucy drifted off to sleep with a completely full heart.