32. Elephants Drop Huge Shits, Man
Elephants Drop Huge Shits, Man
Nic k
‘How are you two handling this?’ Doug asks as we follow Missy, Cara, and Bree into the bar for karaoke night.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, we all know you’re sleeping together. You both know we all know that, but we all also know y’all are morons, and you’re pretending it’s not a thing.’
I stop walking, and he turns to me. The doors to the bar open, then close as the women disappear inside, and I take a breath, hanging my head as I blow it out.
‘I want her, and she wants casual. I made a choice.’
‘But that’s not what you want?’ He looks concerned.
‘No, it’s not. I want it all with her, but if I tell her that, she’s going to run. I know it.’
‘You live next door. She can’t run far.’ He offers a half smile to lighten the mood, but he doesn’t know this has been eating me up. It was already bad. I knew the second I told her I didn’t want a relationship that I’d fucked up. Now, we’re way down the line. It was manageable, barely, until she stood up to my dad and told him how she sees me. Nothing ever felt like that, and I can’t get it out of my head.
Spending time at the cabin, cleaning it up, and planning a few ways to modernize it has been a small distraction and has given us both the space we need, but after the hike on Sunday, we ate pizza with Jonah, and I spent the whole time imagining a life with them. I could do it, I decided. I could be her friend and the man she sleeps with forever if she’d give me that. The alternative — losing them, that I couldn’t do.
‘Look, it’s an elephant in the room, okay, but we’ll both try not to make it weird.’
‘Elephants drop huge shits, man,’ he says, and I tilt my head at him, confused, and he laughs. ‘I’m just saying, the elephant in the room that is you and Missy engaging in casual sex when you want more, at some point, that massive pile of shit is going to drop and stink up the place. I just hope you’re prepared for that.’
Why the fuck does that analogy make sense? Doug’s words hit me square in the chest, and I nod as the door opens and Bree sticks her head out .
‘You two making out?’ she calls, and Doug throws up a middle finger, making her laugh. ‘Okay, baby brother, put your dicks away. Your beers are getting warm.’
Inside the bar, it’s loud. The girls are sitting at our table already, flicking through the book of karaoke choices on offer, and I can’t stop thinking about what Doug said outside. Maybe I should tell her, try my hand and let her know I want more. I know she cares about me. I catch the looks. I hear the way she talks to me, and the sex is something else. I feel the way she clings to me and touches me. I swallow her gasps and moans like I need them to survive, and she gives them freely, and there is nothing casual about the way we connect on any level. Maybe she’s thinking it too but doesn’t know how to take the step. Maybe I should take it for both of us.
‘You okay?’ Missy asks, and I swallow, bringing my gaze to hers and realizing I was completely zoned out.
‘Uh,’ I clear my throat. ‘Yeah, I’m good.’
‘Okay, ladies and gentlemen, next up, it’s the queen of the blowout,’ my beer comes out of my nose, and Doug slaps me hard on the back, ‘Missy.’
Bree and Cara fall into a fit of giggles as Missy eyeballs me, amusement in her eyes, then saunters toward the microphone .
I wipe my mouth and nose as the music starts, and all eyes in the bar turn on Missy. Everyone knows she can sing. Most of the people in this bar were at Buck and Lucy’s wedding to hear it firsthand, and those who weren’t were told about how amazing she was.
I don’t know the song, but it doesn’t matter. I’m transfixed as her beautiful, soulful voice wraps around the words and the melody.
Fuck, she’s amazing. I can’t let her go.
As Missy finishes the song and walks back toward us, I watch as the locals filling the bar stop her to talk and tell her how amazing she is, and this weird possessive pride fills me up.
Man, I need a drink.
Walking to the bar, I feel her eyes track me and turn to offer her a wink that makes her smile as I reach the sticky surface of the bar and immediately regret resting my arms there.
‘Hey, Nick,’ Bud, the bar manager, greets, and I nod. ‘Another round for the table?’
‘Please.’ While he gets to work on our round, I turn to watch Missy laughing with the guys as Don, the bank teller, morphs into a budget Billy Joel in front of our very eyes.
I pay for the beers and am carrying them back to the table when someone steps in front of me .
‘Nick, hey.’ Tessa smiles up at me, and I return the gesture to be polite.
‘Hey, Tessa.’ I hold up the beers that are starting to cramp my fingers from the awkward way I picked them up. ‘I need to put these down.’
‘Oh, of course.’
Not catching my meaning exactly, Tessa follows me to our table and when I sit, she sits next to me. I turn to her as the guys look between each other, wondering what is going on, and Tessa turns her body so her back is to the girls, to Missy, while she talks to me.
‘It’s good to see you out enjoying yourself.’ She puts her hand on my forearm and leans in toward me. In my peripheral view, I notice Missy track the movement before her eyes flick up to mine and then away. ‘I wish you would have taken me up on my suggestion to get together, but hey, we’re both here now.’
She smiles, and I know that smile: it’s flirtatious and opportunistic.
‘Oh, um I…’
‘You want to grab a table, get some privacy?’ she asks, and I glance at Missy to see her focusing on the bottle in her hands. I see it now, the way she’s leaning slightly toward us, tuning out the rest of the guys to listen to Tessa and me. She’s jealous .
Now, what I should do here is say, no thanks, Tessa, I’m not really on the market for anything right now. But, like the fuckin’ idiot I am, I say, ‘Sure.’
I keep my attention on Tessa, whose eyes widen with surprise as I feel Missy’s gaze snap up at the same time as the rest of my friends and I stand, then follow Tessa to a booth.
I could say that I just wanted to talk to Tessa. I could even say that I saw her as an opportunity for something more when Missy didn’t want that, but what I was thinking when I said sure was that I wanted Missy to be jealous. I liked it. I want her to see what we have as something we could lose, and my stupid ass figured Tessa was a chance to show her that. Now, as I sit with Tessa and see the hopeful expression in her eyes, then glance at my cell to see the, what the fuck are you doing? text from Doug, I realize I fucked up.
‘Tessa, I need to be real clear with you because I think that’s fair,’ I start and she giggles, moving close and putting her hand on my thigh just as Missy passes our booth to go to the ladies’ room and meets my gaze.
‘I’m not looking for marriage,’ Tessa says, but I’m still looking in the direction of the restrooms. ‘Nick,’ I swallow and turn back to Tessa, ‘I just thought we could have some fun together.’
‘No,’ I snap and slide away. ‘I was just being polite, Tessa. I’m sorry.’ I stand from the booth. ‘I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea.’ I notice her face fall, but it’s not her that I’m concerned about right now.
Heading toward the restrooms, I feel like a creeper as I hang around in the narrow corridor outside the ladies’ room until Missy comes out and freezes when she sees me there.
‘Miss,’
‘Hey.’ She smiles, but it doesn’t meet her eyes. ‘I thought you were otherwise engaged.’
‘No, I was just being polite. I’ve known Tessa a long time.’
‘She’s pretty.’
I shake my head. ‘She’s got nothin’ on you.’
It takes her a second, but I see the flicker at the corner of her mouth before she taps my arm.
‘Flatterer.’
‘I’m not interested in Tessa, Miss.’
She shrugs. ‘Not really my business, Nick. I’m not your girlfriend.’ I hold her gaze until she looks away, neither of us addressing it directly, both of us refusing to admit that what we have is more than casual. ‘Just do me a favor, okay? If you are hooking up with anybody else, please tell me. I don’t want to be a part of any mess.’
‘There’s nobody else, Missy.’
‘Okay. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have a song to sing.’
She walks away, leaving me standing in the corridor alone, and I lean back against the wall. Get some balls, Barber. This conversation needs to happen, and it needs to happen tonight.
‘Feel like dancing, Miss?’
She smiles at me, not a wide, excited grin but a sweet, genuine smile, and she nods.
‘Yeah, show me what you got.’
I take her hand and lead her to the dance floor, then turn her into my arms. It feels nice to be able to hold her this close in public. Dancing isn’t weird or suspicious. We’re just two friends moving to the music — so why is my heart racing in my chest?
A couple of hours ago, I was resigned to this casual bullshit, too afraid of scaring her off to make a move, but now, after the way she watched me with Tessa, and the look on her face, and after she sang my favorite song while looking me in my eyes; this is more, I know it is.
‘I like dancing with you, Nick Barber.’ She grins up at me, and my heart stutters.
‘I like dancing with you too, Missy Morgan. ’
I could kiss her. It wouldn’t take a lot. Her face is already tipped up, her lips just below mine. I could just drop my head and take them, show everyone here that she’s mine, but I suspect she would kick my ass if I did.
‘Miss.’ My heart races at the idea of risking what we have, but I have to do this. ‘Can we talk outside for a sec?’
She holds my gaze and swallows, and I reckon she knows what’s coming. She nods yes, and I gesture for her to lead the way.
Following Missy out to the front of the bar, I’m nervous but hopeful. She can’t deny our connection. Can she?
The cool air hits my skin, alerting my senses and bringing a sense of reality I hadn’t felt in the comfortable bubble of the bar. In there, with Missy smiling up at me, I’d been so sure. Now, I’m nervous. I don’t want to fuck this up — I’m afraid of getting it wrong. I’m terrified I’ll push her away.
‘Nick,’ The sound of my name has me turning to find her smiling at me. ‘It’s cold. Can you talk fast so we can go back inside?’
She folds her arms across her body, hugging herself against the winter evening air, and I hesitate. Maybe I should just forget this, say yeah, let’s go back in.
‘Nick?’ She smiles softly, tilting her head a little, and it seems to push me into action.
‘Miss,’ I swallow hard, then nod as I tell myself I have to do this. ‘You know I’ve loved spending time with you, right? Jonah, too.’
‘ Okay .’ Her eyes flicker with uncertainty, and I shake my head. Don’t fuck this up, Nick.
‘Just hear me out.’ I step closer, bringing my hands to her arms and feeling her relax a little with my touch. ‘I think it’s time we accept that this thing between us isn’t casual.’
Her gaze holds mine for just a second more until she lowers her attention to the space between us.
‘I want more, Miss.’ My voice is soft, and she nods.
‘Yeah, I get it. I guess I knew you would at some point.’ She won’t look up, and it guts me. ‘We’ll still be friends, right?’
She smiles up at me softly, and it takes me a minute to catch her meaning. She thinks I want more with somebody else.
‘Miss.’ I shake my head. ‘With you,’ my voice is soft, ‘I want more with you.’
I hear her sharp intake of breath and feel her tense under my hands.
‘Nick, I…’
‘You said casual. I know you set that boundary, and I respect that, but if I don’t tell you this now, I will be forever pissed at myself. Spending this time with you, hanging out, laughing, getting to know Jonah, all of what we share, Miss, it’s the best thing I ever had. I don’t ever want to lose that, and I want to be able to tell the world what I have. I want to be with you, really, officially with you.’
‘No.’
The word is like a slap in the face. I didn’t expect that bluntness.
‘Miss…’
‘No, Nick. I can’t. I don’t want a relationship. I told you that.’ She backs away, and in the dim light, I see her eyes widen. She resembles the scared animals I treat every day, and it guts me.
‘I know, Missy,’ I speak softly, treading carefully. ‘I know, but come on, you have to admit that this feels like more.’
‘No. I was very clear: casual, that’s all. You agreed. You didn’t want a relationship either.’
‘I know, I said that, but I—’ I take a breath, this is not going the way I thought it would. ‘I…I just said that because I didn’t want you to walk away.’
She steps back quickly, her eyes holding mine, but there’s no warmth there. She glares at me now, betrayal etched on her expression.
‘You lied to me.’
‘I know, I did, but it was only beca…’
‘No, Nick.’ Her voice trembles as she steps back further. ‘You lied to get what you wanted from me. You lied to fuck me.’ Shit, no no no . This is not happening.
‘Missy, that’s not it, that’s not—’ I huff out a breath.
‘I trusted you,’ she says the words so softly, but they hold so much weight. ‘I thought you were different, but you’re not. You wanted to fuck me, and you thought you were going to miss out on that, so you lied to me. You made me think we were on the same page when we never were. I let you into my home, my bed. I let you get close to my son, and all this time, you were using me, manipulating me.’
‘What? No, Missy. I wasn’t, I…’
‘I set boundaries, Nick. You just said you respected that, but that was a lie. You don’t respect my boundaries. You used a loophole to get around them.’
Fuck . Fuck, fuck, fuck. She’s right, I didn’t see it that way, but she’s right, and I know when I wordlessly hold her watery gaze that I fucked this up way worse than I ever thought I was going to.
‘I’m going inside to get my jacket and my purse, and then I’m leaving. Don’t follow me, Nick. You need to leave me alone.’
I grip the railing in front of the bar and stare out at the empty street as Missy heads inside, then storms back out and past me without a word. I watch her walk away and hang my head, ashamed and feeling a sense of loss I have no right to, but I can’t shake anyway. I lost her. I lost them.
The door to the bar opens, the music and laughter from inside feeling like sandpaper against my skin, raw, grating.
‘What just happened, man?’ Doug asks as he stands shoulder to shoulder with me and grips the railing in the same way.
Huffing out an exhale, I focus on the empty street in front of me and the direction the woman I never wanted to lose just took, to walk away from me.
‘The elephant took a shit.’